money woes

[d24]

when you have no money people are happy with what they're offered.

when you have money people seem to try and get as much out of you as they can.

 

over the past year my girlfriend has been working a part-time dead-end job and earning a little over £6,000 ($12,000). I was earning around £20,500 ($41,000) and thought that I should pay more than her - after all it's only fair. Not that I'm counting, but I've just made a rough estimate now - I think I've paid about £8,000 to her £2,000 in contributions which although fair to the amount we earn felt very unfair considering i was supporting us - in a way i resent her for it, which is a very unhealthy attitude to have.

 

Today we both got new job offers/promotions and we're bickering about money which i hate.

 

she's now earning £19,000 ($38,000) and I'm now on £22,000 ($44,000). We're currently saving up £7,000 ($14,000) for a deposit on a house, and want to get this done ASAP.

 

Here was my suggestion:

 

I have £1700 ($3,400) personal savings which I have put aside for a rainy day - I offered to put this money into a joint savings account if from today onwards we start paying everything 50:50 till we buy a house. Everything, we split down the middle. The reasoning behind this is I think we're at a point where we should share our assets and burdens, and split everything down the middle. In my warped mind it's a way of showing my commitment.

 

the way she perceived this was that I am earning £3,000 ($6000) more than her, so I should be paying more, she's more comfortable with a 54:46 split - but now that i suggested i pay my savings into the joint account she wants us to pay 54:46 AND for me to put my savings in the joint account.

 

Because our outgoings are relatively small the most she could expect this to save her £75/$150 (per month) which is about how much more I'd be earning - so we both have exactly the same amount of disposable income. I know how this sounds fair to her - but it is not fair to ask me to give up my savings AND pay more - right?

 

I am absolutely not willing to do this and am for some reason very angry at her suggesting it. i can't seem to come to a decision on whether i'm being unreasonable or not... I feel as though she should be happy that now she's earning a very good wage that she should be willing to share 50-50?

 

Thoughts?

[Lana0120]

She should pay 50/50 now imo.

[russ978]

54/46?

 

You both make similar wages, you should both but in a set amount each month.

 

She's just being petty.

 

I'm not a big fan of unmarried individuals having a joint savings account, if you break up, its just too easy for one person to take money out. If you do get a joint account, make sure than either of you can contribute money but money can only be taken out if both parties sign any withdrawal slips.

[RayKay]

I would say that you should also factor in other expenses and be flexible over time as to what works.

 

I mean when my boyfriend first moved in together (he moved into the apartment I had at the time) we split rent/bills 50/50 and groceries 60/40 (he eats more and he felt that was more fair). I was at time making $30,000, and he was making $48,000 - however he was still paying off student loans and had truck payments where I was debt free.

 

We bought a house in 2006, and I also went back to school full time (working part time) so we redistributed the financial arrangements where I pay $400 towards mortgage a month, plus the grocery sharing of 60/40 and 50/50 for household stuff because his income is now $60,000 and mine is well...abysmal and in the red since I also am paying tuition and taking out student loans!

 

When I am done school; we will need to readjust as my salary will be closer to his; though I will then be in position of having to pay of $50,000 in loans too.

 

If he lost his income, or went back, then we would again have to change the situation (with me contributing more than him).

 

In your situation, I would definitely be happy to do 50/50 given the savings situation and the fact that for a long time you had also covered the deficit in her income as well. In addition to of course the savings. I am not sure either what your other expenses are (health insurance/car payments, etcetera but those affect disposable income too). 54/46 seems a tad....petty....to me.

 

Definitely however you must work on that resentment/unhealthy perspective. If you are truly partners, you also realize that you need to be flexible in this regard and adjust as circumstances change. It should not cause resentment, unless there is a clear situation of one taking advantage of the other.

 

Talk to her about how you feel, but respectfully. There is nothing worse than being reminded how little you were able to contribute, at least for me now, it is hard for me to feel I am not able to put as much in anymore.

[itsallgrand]

Just opinions, right? lol.

 

I think she is learning that you will support her in this way, and she doesn't have to support you.

Not spoon feeding, nothing that drastic, just that there is different expectations for what she puts in and for what you put in.

 

If you lost your job tomorrow, or made a tiny wage, would she do the same for you as you did for her? Does that matter to you?

 

You have set yourself up for her to expect you to always put in more.

 

Set it straight now.

 

If you can't reach a decision you are both comfortable with, don't do it.

 

If she feels the amount you would like both of you to contribute is too much, be flexible and lower it. That might mean waiting longer to buy a house - but at least it will be together and both of your priorities/needs will be met.

 

You putting in more is just silly and setting yourself up for problems.

 

Be careful not to use money to rush the relationship. Wait for her to be on board, or change direction. I have seen people using money as a way to advance a relationship before the other is ready - - causing resentment when the other doesn't 'catch up' fast enough (and they take some of that overflow from the others money thinking it is NOT a sign of commitment/no expectations for the future/not an investment but rather something given freely like a gift).....

 

I think you two might need to discuss each of your priorities, and your priorities as a couple.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

I agree with the above poster about not having joint saving account for unmarried individual. If couple are married at least the asset is protect by law.

 

It is especially important when 2 person take up loan to purchase a house. Who will pay the loan if something unfortunately happen?

[d24]

okay, this is encouraging that people think it's not unreasonable to pay 50-50 now considering we're on somewhat similar wages. regardless of whether i offered my savings or not (which in retrospect was a stupid idea).

 

i'll talk with her tonight and try to figure out why she's being so petty (because thats the way it looks to me)....

 

as for other outgoings I have student loans of £9,000/$18,000 where she only owes £3,000/$6,000 to her parents for the money she borrowed to buy her car.... they don't need monthly installments and are really easy going - unlike the student loans company who take money out about £200/$400 of my pay check directly. Thinking about it i also have meidcal and pensions which take away another 5%+ of my wages. I also have to take public transport to commute to work which is an additional expense that she doesn't have (although i suppose the tax, gas, etc on her car is about the same).

 

it all adds up to my always being in a significantly worse situation than her and yet i supported her for the past year and a bit - and she has the audacity to ask me to share my savings and to pay more than half of the bills? She'll end up having a lot more disposable income than me.

 

re: joint savings account - maybe we should both try to raise half of the money ourselves in our own accounts, and when we're ready we can go forward together? though im not sure how she'd react to this - i'll find out tonight i guess

[RayKay]

Yes, this is exactly what I mean about how you cannot go by income alone. You need to factor in those "extras" like debts, insurance, loans, commuting needs.

 

I think you two need to both sit down and go through the budget clearly and accurately and find out what you really both can afford and what should be shared.

[greenmonster]

why not consolidate everything and just pay things out from one pool?

 

I mean...I understand that you are just boyfriend/girlfriend, but come on...you are going to be buying a home together and your argueing over % points on bills?

 

look...if you are going to seriously start thinking about a life together and get married or what not...then you have to get the concept of "my money" vs. "her money" out of your head...I mean you're planning on buying a house!! you need to really start to look at you and her as a team rather than individuals.

 

set up a joint checking account...both of you deposit your checks into it...and pay the bills from it...easy as that.

 

I know this may sound extreme considering that you aren't married...but if that is the direction that things are going then why not end the arguments now and just make life easy?

 

just my opinion...good luck tho

[Lana0120]

I'd suggest telling her what you said about the fact that she does owe less money means you are pretty much in the same position so should go 50/50. And then volunteer as an above poster said to pay for more of the bills or something, and say something about how what you have is too special for money to get between you!

[ghost69]

why don't you just save as much as you want separately, then put the equal amount of money together that you can match each other's? that seems more fair.

[d24]

right ... i talked to her last night and it all went very VERY wrong....

 

ifrst she had a go at me for telling her where she has to put her money - I didn't suggest - I merely showed her how she could afford to save and pay for everything without worrying.... she took it as me trying to run her finances - and started with the whole 'it's my money i can do what i want with it'...

 

i calmed her down and talked rationally for a little bit about what she realistically wants to do with her money and how much she can 'afford' to save.... she was insistent on paying her parents back ASAP and as much as possible, and I was trying desperately to show her that her parents dont NEED the money back any time soon. She kept throwing in my face that I paid my Dad back the money I owed him as soon as possible and that she should be able to do the same if she wanted.

 

The reason why we're moving house next month is so that we have less to pay on rent (which is a waste of money) and can save up money for a deposit on a house. She's now saying that we should stay in rented accommodation for maybe more than a year so she can pay back her parents and then save up for the mortgage.

 

here's the thing that really made me very very angry...

she then said - by the time i've paid my parents back (£3000/$6000) you'll have saved up about the same, and with your savings you can pay that money as deposit for the house.

 

HER money is HERS

and

MY money is OURS????

 

* * *???

 

I said flatly NO, that we need to sit down and go through the numbers together and work out what we can do - and try to save HALF the deposit each. She threw a tantrum, shouted at me for controlling her life and finances and then went to the spare room and slept for an hour.

 

Guys I honestly don't know what to do? I'm thinking of making a spreadhseet or something and emailing it to her work address so she can loook thro the options, but I know she'll see it as another attmept of my trying to control her finances.

 

Help?

[RayKay]

What a peculiar reaction - she is aware you also have persons to pay back right? Like the student loans people?

 

I don't really understand her rationale in this I admit. I don't see why she throws a fit because you are not comfortable with her suggestion that you put all the money in for the deposit and wish to discuss another plan.

 

Sounds rather immature to me. If she really is in this with you for life; she would see that this is about working together for your financial future & financial health; not about controlling her finances, or her getting to control yours (because the irony is she rebukes your attempts to work on her finances, while telling you what to do with YOUR money). Right, she did earn the money; but if you are sharing a life together, that is money earned for both of your financial futures and lives together.

 

Finances are a major issue of conflict for many couples - it's not "lack of money" that causes these but rather differences in spending habits/budgeting and treatment of money/finances. I think this is definitely something you two need to be able to sort out NOW; because it won't get better in the future unless you learn how to work together over finances now. I am not sure if there are other issues or not in the relationship; but even if not, over time arguing over finances and feeling resentment over them can destroy all those other essentials - trust, honesty, respect - that one needs in a healthy relationship.

 

And I sure would be resistant to open a joint account with her at this time, until you have come to some sort of agreement about finances and are both comfortable with full disclosure, etcetera.