Relationship with strong-minded woman: What is she thinking?

[sycamore]

Hi All,

 

I'm writing this in hope of getting some objective advice or opinions about my issue. I'm generally a rather anonymous person with regard to relationships, but I'm somewhat going out on a limb with this, because I'm so lost, so hopefully you'll bear with me

 

I've known this girl for six years now (same age as me, i.e early-mid 20's). We were friends for the first year, then dated for two years, and have been 'very close' friends for the rest of the six years. I highlight 'very close' because effectively we have still been together without officially being together. That is, for most of the last four years where we weren't officially dating, we would either talk on the phone, text message, meet up and/or talk online with each other every day, with a relatively large number of sexual encounters (our sex life is better now than it was when we were officially together). Even when she was overseas for a few months we managed to maintain a very healthy relationship together. Also, in those four years (as far as I know) we both haven't been involved with anybody else.

 

For a non-official relationship, the amount of communication between us is remarkable, in that we're open to communicate to each other about absolutely anything - whether it be about each other, careers, family, friends, sex, current affairs, or even when she's having her period. In fact, by her own admittance, she thinks we communicate more than her still married parents. If we have a problem (so far), we've always been able to talk it through together eventually. Plus I think we trust each other unconditionally, whether it be with secrets, or knowing each others debit card pin numbers, knowing each other ailments, knowing each others salary etc. In many ways because we communicate so well, we've changed and developed ourselves alot in the presense of each other, and as a result we've adapted ourselves to each other. This, combined with our similar interests, means we tend to be compatible intellectually, mentally and sexually. And because of this, and as much as this sounds like a cliche, I'm absolutely crazy about her, even through all the ups and downs. Now it all sounds well and good, but we've reached a point were we've needed to consider where we are together, because as I've said, we're not 'officially' together, and we can't really keep on going on like this.

[Lana0120]

The fact that she doesn't want to tell her family and friends about you is could be because she is embarrassed about the 'on and off' status of your relationship, but I don't understand why that would make her treat you like dirt when you're with them. That doesn't make sense to me and I see it as a bad sign. The fact that your relationship is on and off, in spite of the fact that you always get it together in the end, means that there are problems. If she's never dated anyone else, but at the same time is wondering what that would be like, it's understandable. However, I think it's unfair that she is leaving you hanging on with this. I think it's a case of either, accept her decision and date other people yourself as well and see if she comes back to you, or point out to her that if she had wanted to play the field, she could have done so before and should be asking herself why now? All in all, while she undoubtedly cares about you it sounds like she has some issues herself that she needs to deal with and regardless of what she says, there may be some uncertainty about your relationship.

[Bunney]

You took the words right from my mouth! Very well said

[shes2smart]

PPS: I just noticed the topic section "Getting Back Together". In retrospect I should have put this post in there. Would be grateful is someone would move it. Thanks!

 

Moved thread per your request.

[rokston]

you are in a very very difficult position because you are sure that you want to be with her and yet you may have to be the one to decide that you call it quits at some point. the fact that she in honest with you may be confusing and it doesn't make it easier for you but it's to her credit the most she can do considering her feelings and state of mind.

 

despite your feelings, you need to clarify in your mind how far you are willing to let this go. for example you could always be there standing by while she makes decisions based solely on her needs - dating others, moving countries, career, etc. in the meantime you want to be with her and thereforeeee you are not necessarily doing the same things because your love is influencing your actions. i would say that would not be a healthy basis for a future relationship even if it does lead to one but you may disagree.. on the other hand if you can lead a similarly independent life and enjoy the benefits then i see no problem with retaining the link - after all it is not damaging you.

 

at this point you can only control what you do. you need to decide how much this relationship (of sorts) benefits or damages you. if you are generally happy and enjoy the situation then let it be, if you are finding yourself miserable and consumed by the lack of clarity then i would explain the situation to her and pull away.

 

as far as i can see there are several possibilities: if you pull away and do something like nc, she misses you and comes back then great, if she does not then perhaps she really did not love you that much. if you stick around and wait, she may come round to the idea but it could take a long time and involve some pretty unpleasant feelings or she may let you go anyway. based on that, if it was me and i was head over heals in love with her, i would probably go for the torture now and break off to either save myself the time and pain and to see where she goes..

 

not an expert opinion by any means, just what i would do in a tough and situation.

 

best of luck!

[fivespot]

sycamore, you and I have the exact same problem!!!

 

I was willing to wait years for her...literally. It was painful to hear she wasn't ready for a commitment, but I was willing to wait.

 

But what I wasn't willing to do was wait while she found someone else. This is a very real possibility and you can't put your life on hold until she figures hers out.

 

Can you still be close to her knowing she's got someone more signifigant in her life than you? I think not. Let her know you can't deal with her being in love with someone else.

 

Then go NC for good and try to let go. If she comes back to you, then you'll know she's serious about you. If not, then at least you won't be hanging in limbo anymore.

[sycamore]

Thank you all for your advice. In many ways I already knew the answer all along... you just never want to accept it, because you know the result is going to be loneliness, sadness and alot of fear thrown in.

 

I wish, somehow, that it would all turn out the way I imagine, like in fairy tales. But, sadly, it doesn't always work like that.

 

Thanks again.

[fivespot]

I wish, somehow, that it would all turn out the way I imagine, like in fairy tales. But, sadly, it doesn't always work like that.

 

That's the worst part...you can imagine it, but you can't change anything. It's such a helpless feeling but there's nothing you can do about it.