imagining ex with new person

[icarus27]

Hi all,

 

Although it's been a year, I seem to have suffered something like a relapse - thinking about the ex and her next man. How do you deal with this difficult emotion? I'm not new to ENA, so the irony is I have read just such questions from other guys a thousand times over, and many of you reply with good advice on just how to do it. Emotions being what they are, this one seems to have a strong hold of me now and I can't 'rationalise' it away.

 

For the fourth night in a row, I keep waking up from bad nightmares where the dominant theme is that I feel humiliated by her in some way, often publicly. I start each morning in a daze, reeling from the now woken-up sense

of shame (that the relationship ended) that is, no doubt, spilling over into dreams. On a primal level, as a male, it feels worse that she just went out and got another model to replace me.

 

That trapped feeling is rising, where I can't talk to friends about it (they'd only say to me that it's been a year and I have to shake myself out of it).

 

Like a bad mantra, the phrase "I've been replaced" keeps going through my mind. Am I just having some trouble reaching the acceptance stage? Seems like it. It doesn't help that I keep remembering how much attention she always said she got from guys in nightclubs, that feels like a thorn in my side. My rational side says, So what, she'll get a lot of attention then get screwed over by playas. But then I think, in a perverse way she would 'get off' on the drama of all that. Despite saying to me so many times that she was done with 'bad boys' and wanted a good man in her life, her behaviour towards the end of the relationship signalled that she was more addicted to being chased by playas in clubs, and being a drama queen when it all went wrong -- than she was with finding a man who was honest and stable.

 

I dunno ... I have to vent .... it doesn't sit well with me, the idea that in the eyes of most young people, hers is the 'charmed' life, being able to use and dispose of men as she wants, "having fun" as some would say - while I stand here in my life, more grown-up, more responsible, making tougher decisions, but in the end, alone.

[Loris]

I guess the feeling will always be there, depending on how attached you were with each other. Its always difficult to imagine the person that has told you they love you with another person.

 

I am experiencing the same thing after a two month split. It's truly a horrible experience finding out but it will help you forget them and move on quicker. If they don't care about your feelings why should you care about theirs? Sounds like she'll always be playing other guys, if that's what she brags about. She needs some kind of attention security, that she always needs reassurance that she will appear pretty to other guys. Best let her get on with it and focus on yourself.

[Alex Kidd]

Sorry buddy, what ages are you and your ex? And how long were you together?

[icarus27]

We were together for a year.

 

At the time of the break-up, I was 28, she was 22.

[mmisty2001]

It is hard to imagine the person with someone else when they told you they loved you.

My ex had an affair for 8 months and I even find myself wondering what she looks like, where they go etc etc, the list is endless.

[Jason1080]

I think about my ex being with someone else all the time... on purpose. for me, it "conditions" and toughens my emotional side up so that when it really happens, I would be less impacted by it. It worked for me, I kept thinking like that till i found out my ex really DID have someone new, I wasnt that impacted by it. I dunno if it will work for you, but it worked for me.

 

Just my 2 cents

[Beginningandend]

For me honestly, I get those thoughts and brush them off pretty quickly. I am not a part of her life anymore, and it is going to happen eventually. The bright side is that eventually I'll find someone else too.

[Alex Kidd]

Hey Icarus thanks for that info.

 

From what you have written she sounds emotionally immature. You should know that telling your SO that guys are hitting on them/attention gained while out is going to have an impact on their feelings. To be honest its a bit of insecurity on their part as well. Needing to tell you about this so you know that she has value 'in the market'. I used to get this with my ex. Slightly younger than yours at the time we split. There is no need for it.

 

What I would do if I were you is change the way you think about her. At the moment you are putting her up on a pedestal. So what if she is with a new guy? What about YOU getting on with someone else. The brutal honest truth is SHE JUST A GIRL, YOU ARE JUST A GUY. You can both be replaced. And YES that means YOU can replace HER. Stop focussing on who she is with. I know this is hard, but to some extent your pals are right to be thinking you should be getting over it now. You need to almost metaphorically punch these thoughts out of your head. Train your mind to think about something else as soon as it pops up. Not too long ago I was like yourself. This time last year was a living hell. I was a shadow of myself. I would wake up every morning imaging her being boned by some guy. Sad, but f**king true. Eventually I was made to wake up and smell the coffee. Why waste the prime years of my life worrying about this?

 

Another thing it made me realise which is applicable, is that most (not all before ppl jump on me) young girls do not know what they want. If I were you I'd steer clear, of girls under 25/26. Getting seriously involved with a girl in her late teens/early twenties is typically a recipe for disaster. Although they won't admit it the desire for "other experiences" (they will not tell you this) will typically mean at some point a split is inevitable and then you get the "I need to grow", "It's not you, it's me" chat, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" to only see or hear about her with a new guy within a few weeks. I’m just trying to save another man here. Have fun with these younger girls, but do not take seriously, please!

 

 

A year is long enough to start dating again as well. Are you doing this? Do not settle either. That is even more depressing. Only go on dates with girls you GENUINELY like. My mistake in the beginning (after splitting in April 2006) was to date anything. Eventually, I stopped dating girls unless I saw more potential than one night. I met my current gf in March this year, and couldn't be happier. The funny thing is though before I met my new gf, the thoughts had gone, long gone. I realised if my ex wanted things to work they would have done. The same applies to you. My ex didn't so why am so sad about someone not wanting the same as I? Eventually you find someone that does want the same as you. I don't side with the view that these things just happen. Put yourself out in social settings, ask chicks out etc...

 

Bit of a blog, but I was exactly like you not too long ago, just wanted to share my thoughts.

 

Peace.

[bmwm3]

Another thing it made me realise which is applicable, is that most (not all before ppl jump on me) young girls do not know what they want. If I were you I'd steer clear, of girls under 25/26. Getting seriously involved with a girl in her late teens/early twenties is typically a recipe for disaster. Although they won't admit it the desire for "other experiences" (they will not tell you this) will typically mean at some point a split is inevitable and then you get the "I need to grow", "It's not you, it's me" chat, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" to only see or hear about her with a new guy within a few weeks. I’m just trying to save another man here. Have fun with these younger girls, but do not take seriously, please!

 

ALEX KIDD- This is so true when i got with my ex she was 21 i was 26.. when we started falling for each other i even had a talk with her about are you sure i am the right guy for you.. she said yes i wanna date you get married by 25...andlook were i am 1yr later.. she broke up with me when things started getting tough. now she enjoy guys chasing her.. she says it builds her confiendce... def girls under 25 are for fun.. but i fell in love with my ex.

[antto]

i have this problem to. my ex was 9 years younger. we split 6 months ago and is now seeing someone. it ruins my weekends with my daughter. at times anyway. now i'm 37 and she's 28

[ekloot]

Icarus27,

I know that's a tough thing to have nightmares about and to have to think about. Its been a couple months since my girlfriend broke things off with me...I was 28 and she was 22 at the time as well. My ex's behavior at the end sounds literally exactly the same as yours. I know now that I'm better off without her and all her drama. Alex Kidd hit the nail on the head with everything he said about girls under 25. And yes Alex Kidd was right...I got the whole speech about her needing to be free and grow...and it wasn't me, it was her and how she just couldn't be in a relationship right now...yeah, her myspace already has her listed in a relationship with a new guy and it has barely been two months...and actually from some myspace postings and from some other things that I saw I think she was talking to this guy during our breakup and dating him days or a week or two afterwards. My relationship with her lasted for over 3 years. But yeah, so I actually had to face the fact that she's with someone new. Many girls at that age just aren't worth the trouble. Honestly, though, even though I miss the good old days with her...I don't know if I care that much that she's dating someone new. The way I look at it is that he's going to have to deal with all her drama and problems now...at least whenever she ends up showing her true colors with him...and it will happen eventually. That's how I know that I'm better off now.

[bmwm3]

i wonder how many people had this happen to.. guys in mid to late 20s dating girls in early 20s... i just wanna send her an e-mail about this post lol..

[TXStar7128]

So, y'all are making me feel better about being a 26 year old girl...just when I was starting to feel like no one would want me cause I'm too old Sorry you are going through this, but thanks for the inadvertent confidence boost!!!

 

I have to say I think if you are looking for a real relationship, steet clear of those under the 25/26 age range for both genders. My experience is that they just don't have any of the skills required to make an adult relationship work. Hell, even my 28 year old ex didn't have them...I'm steering for the 29-32 age range for men from now on...

[missscotland85]

I know the feeling! I'm going through the exact same thing but i've just spilt up from my bf a few weeks back and he is still seeing her after telling me he wasn't and today I just found out they are moving in together. I dont think words can help you feel better to be honest. I think the exact same

[freudj2000]

Similar story. Got dumped by a younger and inexperienced female after two years, because she felt like she needed to walk a different path (which meant another guy). I would like to date someone who has maturity, but I have no clue how to meet her. I live in a college town (some might consider this a blessing but I don't) so everyone around here seems like they just turned 21.

[miew]

I had the same nightmare few days ago too...

I dreamed that me and my ex were going out together and suddenly his ex showed up (my ex left our 3 yrs relationship and began seeing his ex in college...I actually never saw her in person) and he told me all of a sudden like he loved her and she's the one...I felt so bad in my dream but he just turned his back on me...

It's been 4.5 months since we broke up, in the beginning I dreamed of him wanting to reconcile but now he appeared to be cruel and cold in those dreams. I think somehow it means I am giving up my hopes (which might be a good thing), as NC goes, I feel more and more detached from him...the past love all seemed so unreal now...

[Alex Kidd]

TXStar7128 agreed, its not gender specific. As a guy my focus is on women. But for me, once burnt, never forgotten. Whenever any of my mates tells me about a girl they've met that's fresh out of uni, I advise caution. Not being a sage, but it's useful to learn from the mistakes of others. They change too much at this age!

[Alex Kidd]

So, y'all are making me feel better about being a 26 year old girl...just when I was starting to feel like no one would want me cause I'm too old Sorry you are going through this, but thanks for the inadvertent confidence boost!!!

 

I have to say I think if you are looking for a real relationship, steet clear of those under the 25/26 age range for both genders. My experience is that they just don't have any of the skills required to make an adult relationship work. Hell, even my 28 year old ex didn't have them...I'm steering for the 29-32 age range for men from now on...

 

What skills do you speak of? And, what was up with your 28 year old?

[Nixee]

So, y'all are making me feel better about being a 26 year old girl...just when I was starting to feel like no one would want me cause I'm too old Sorry you are going through this, but thanks for the inadvertent confidence boost!!!

 

I have to say I think if you are looking for a real relationship, steet clear of those under the 25/26 age range for both genders. My experience is that they just don't have any of the skills required to make an adult relationship work. Hell, even my 28 year old ex didn't have them...I'm steering for the 29-32 age range for men from now on...

 

 

I agree, I'm suddenly feeling better about being 27! haha

Though truthfully, my 30 year old ex is the one who failed me and let me down horribly. Right now I'm with another 27 year old (he's a few months younger than me *gasp* robbing the cradle!), and he's showing so much more emotional maturity... so I'm not sure how far age can go in telling these things...

 

But as for the problem of imagining the ex with someone new... ouch. Thats the worst. When my ex and I broke up, I was hurt, but I was "fine" for about two months... until I found out the truth: that he had really broken up with me for someone else, and they had been together since the very moment we split. When I found that out, all those horrible thoughts and images came into my mind and I couldn't eat for 2 weeks. I was consumed, all the grief caught up with me. Its been several months now, but I still get that horrible feeling from time to time.

 

I don't think there is much to do about it except take a deep breath, feel it, and let it pass. Just remember that your mind is always going to make it worse than it is, and try to focus on yourself. Sounds like you are better off without someone who gets/needs that much attention anyways. Particularly if you are the jealous type.

 

But its hard, I know. Just hang in there.

[TXStar7128]

As far as skills are concerned...I don't think many younger people have a true understanding of the issues, feelings, problems, etc. that you have to deal with as you move into your adult life. When you are like 23-24, there is so much you have not experienced. I have to say, I've grown up so much in just the last two years its amazing. As far as specific relationship skills, I just don't think a lot of younger people have had enough experience in adult relationships to be able to really know what to expect and how to deal with adult problems that arise in adult relationships. To me, its just plain lack of experience.

 

That being said, you guys are right, some of these people, regardless of age, will never have these skills...aka my 28 year old ex. His communication skills were virtually non-existent. He didn't really seem to have a concept of what was ok and was no OK in relationships, and I got the impression he really knows nothing about women and what will and will not be OK with them. He still believes that relationships "either work or they don't" and if you are having a relationship problem, it means its not working. Never have I heard a more ridculous statement about relationships. Also, he was just immature. He had a tremdous career, and made a lot of money, but basically was still living the life of a 21 year old fraternity boy...the most important thing in his life was to be seen at the super trendy clubs and trying to act like King of the social scene here. He got on my case a lot because he didn't think I was that fun to go out with because I dont drink more than a couple drinks a night So that was the problem with my 28 year old...although something about me thinks age will not change him a bit. He will always be exceedingly image conscious, some people don't grow out of that!

[Alex Kidd]

The 'throw away theory' manifest itself in their minds - "If its broken, why work on it, when I can get a new 'better' one?". At some point reality kicks in - relationships require WORK. At the same time the desire to experience other men is a biggy here, this great men should not be underestimated. Age and sexual experiences (as my bro says they need to 'play a bit') are usually VERY important variables for selecting a mate, otherwise sooner or later curiosity will lead to a break up or even worse cheating on your SOs part.

[icarus27]

Some really perceptive replies from you all – thank you. Don’t usually do this, but I’ll reply to a few of you individually because you’ve brought up some good views here. Especially glad to hear from the UK guys ...

[icarus27]

I am experiencing the same thing after a two month split. It's truly a horrible experience finding out but it will help you forget them and move on quicker. If they don't care about your feelings why should you care about theirs? Sounds like she'll always be playing other guys, if that's what she brags about. She needs some kind of attention security, that she always needs reassurance that she will appear pretty to other guys. Best let her get on with it and focus on yourself.

 

Loris, your use of the words “attention security” and “reassurance” were uncanny. Even while I was with her, I realised she was someone who needed a lot of reassurance. But the thing I didn’t fully cotton on to was how deep her need for attention was, and this coming from an attentive guy! Even her friends would coo about how much I looked after her, and even then, she wanted more – and possibly from other men. Ask yourself, which bf in the world is going to be over the moon at other men leching at their gf?

[icarus27]

From what you have written she sounds emotionally immature. You should know that telling your SO that guys are hitting on them/attention gained while out is going to have an impact on their feelings. To be honest its a bit of insecurity on their part as well. Needing to tell you about this so you know that she has value 'in the market'. I used to get this with my ex. Slightly younger than yours at the time we split. There is no need for it.

 

Alex, Thank you for that. It is some solace to know that I was not just a madman thinking crazy thoughts out in the woods. I used to feel distinctly uncomfortable when she would bring up how much other men would try to dance with her .... at the same time, she had a visceral dislike of me even so much as mentioning other women I’d been with in the past. Go figure, eh?

 

A year is long enough to start dating again as well. Are you doing this? Do not settle either. That is even more depressing. Only go on dates with girls you GENUINELY like. My mistake in the beginning (after splitting in April 2006) was to date anything. Eventually, I stopped dating girls unless I saw more potential than one night. I met my current gf in March this year, and couldn't be happier. The funny thing is though before I met my new gf, the thoughts had gone, long gone. I realised if my ex wanted things to work they would have done. The same applies to you. My ex didn't so why am so sad about someone not wanting the same as I? Eventually you find someone that does want the same as you. I don't side with the view that these things just happen. Put yourself out in social settings, ask chicks out etc...

 

In answer to this, yes I have been dating. The social environment in my city though, made me realise that just hoping to bump into nice women is not going to work ... and I’ve never been good at the bar scene. Using online dating became an adventure of sorts, but one that has left me mentally exhausted, and at a point where I’m losing faith in myself and womankind.

 

I didn’t just go with every potential girl, in fact there were some who I politely declined. Hate admitting this, but with those I have dated, time and time again, women use the standard-issue line, “Wonderful guy .... no spark” I have been restricting my searches to the 26 – 34 age group, and (question to you girls) am beginning to wonder what on earth is going wrong ..... with one girl recently when she used that line, I got quite assertive and made the point that sparks hardly EVER fly at a first meeting, and that things can grow ... but she didn’t want to hear ... it’s like I’m surrounded by women who’ve got fairytale expectations and nothing anyone says will budge them.

 

I wish I could believe strongly that my ex and I were just people, and at the end of it all, I can replace her. But my experiences, some of which I’ve written about on ENA in the last few months, are leaving me increasingly fearful that ..... this is IT for me, I don’t have much of a hope of finding a relationship with someone who’s mature.

 

Icarus27,

Many girls at that age just aren't worth the trouble. Honestly, though, even though I miss the good old days with her...I don't know if I care that much that she's dating someone new. The way I look at it is that he's going to have to deal with all her drama and problems now...at least whenever she ends up showing her true colors with him...and it will happen eventually. That's how I know that I'm better off now.

 

ekloot

Because of NC, I have no information on her life at all after we broke up. That is how it should be .... but in my angrier moments, I imagine that whoever she is with will have to deal with the same obsessive attention seeking neediness that I saw in her ... after all a leopard doesn’t change its spots easily.

 

But much like you, the emotional side of me misses the good times – and in the dead of night, my heart asks, All those promises she made ... all those words of care she said .... it is hard to accept the same promises are now being made to some other guy.

 

As far as skills are concerned...I don't think many younger people have a true understanding of the issues, feelings, problems, etc. that you have to deal with as you move into your adult life. When you are like 23-24, there is so much you have not experienced. I have to say, I've grown up so much in just the last two years its amazing. As far as specific relationship skills, I just don't think a lot of younger people have had enough experience in adult relationships to be able to really know what to expect and how to deal with adult problems that arise in adult relationships. To me, its just plain lack of experience.

 

TXStar,

When I met my ex, I knew she was young (21), but the fact that she was academically brilliant and doing a demanding course at university made me think she had potential for an intelligent, perceptive relationship. How wrong I was.

The skills you mention: there are two big ones for me – communication and compromise. She was bad at both. She herself confessed that she found it hard to talk about any upset or complicated feelings – she had grown up in a sheltered family where it was important to be seen to be happy all the time.

 

After a year of being so happy with me, that her girlfriends practically asked her to stop saying how good I was to her, she suddenly became depressed after some exams and not having a clue as to what was the reason, made me responsible for everything. At the same time being unable to talk about any of her feelings, so I couldn’t even begin to understand what she was going through. Ergo, when I wasn’t able to “make it better”, I was disposed of.

[TXStar7128]

Trust me, there are a lot of mature women out there. It just may take a while to find them. There are a lot of us, the age you are looking for, who have been through the same thing as you are going through right now, and want someone who has the communication/compromise skills to make it work. I know it feels pretty hopeless sometimes, I feel the same way, but we gotta keep the faith that we'll find someone better for us, that can give us what we need. It may take a while, but I just keep telling myself that it will be all the much sweeter when it finally happens.

 

And it has been my experience that intellectual people are not always the most emotionally mature. I just graduated from a top 50 law school here in the states, and the people I graduated with had to be some of the most assinine, immature idiots I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. That kind of emotional maturity only comes from experience, from having dated enough to know whats important, and to have gotten to a point in your life where you want more than just a good time at the bars on Friday night (which, in my opinion, is a priority to many 20-24 year olds.)

 

My ex also was extremely bad with expressing emotions with me. He had admitted problems with emotional vulnerability, which was really difficult for me. He told me that he loved me, and I know that he did, but he could never, at the same time, tell me exactly what I meant to him. It was tough, and in the long run, wouldn't make me happy. Even though he was 28, he had a LOT of growing up to do.

 

You just need to look for someone who has been there, done that, with dating, and gets how adult, mature relationships work. And understands that they are work (which my ex didn't get at all.) Emotionally immature people (which a lot of younger people are) I think just have a tendency to only want to do what makes them feel good, and as soon is something is hard, and doesn't make them feel good for a minute, they want to bail and move on to something else that will make them feel better. Hang in there...you will find someone when the time is right!!!!