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why he backed away... too obsessive/overreacting


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As per usual, I imposed what I thought would be the best objective solution to a problem... without considering the personalities of the people involved. If anyone was following my post re. vomiting at guy's house...you know what i'm talking about. If not, then read that post So I considered sending flowers/card to be nice, but he guessed my plan when I mentioned I just wanted it to be a 'surprise' and said I'm way overreacting and being obsessive about this. I suppose that was the turnoff...and why he was being distant today.


So... that's fine. I sort of screwed up with this one. Instead of acting cool and casual, I went a bit overboard in trying to apologize with a bit of class and just... be nice about it. Either way, I'm going to back off myself and not contact him at all for 2 days... Then on Thursday I'll have things to discuss about what I did when we weren't together.


I think this is probably best... I'll tell him that I thought of sending something but after I 'cooled down' I decided it was a bit of an overreaction, and my embarrassment talking, and decided to just chill....as he is a pretty chill guy lol...


At least I found out what the issue was... so much for trying to be nice.

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I've read some of your other threads... you are way to busy with thinking. Stop thinking so much and analyzing. You can kill love with this kind of behavior. Am I right that you are just together for like a month. That's so early to talk about a relationship. You should take time to just enjoy the dating, explore eachtother in a relaxed way, taking it light and then eventually consider if you want to be in a commited relationship with eachother.

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I am confused. You did or didn't send the flowers? It seems like you didn't, so how is that the reason he backed away? Did you TELL him you were planning on sending flowers and card as an apology? if so, did he tell you that is why he backed off?


Well I originally sent him a msg. apologizizng (on Saturday) and saying I wanted to buy him and his mom something nice to make up for it... like a house plant or something (geez -- kill me for trying to be nice!!) and then he sent a msg. back saying "really, don't worry about it, my mom and I aren't mad." and I replied saying that I still wanted to get them some sort of surprise but I won't go over for it (as I asked if they're free anytime today for me to go over). Then I talked with him on MSN yesterday (Monday) and he was being totally distant, and he also flaked out on our date yesterday... so I thought maybe it was due to what happened... also just to start conversation I was like "well I know what happened was probably really unattractive, are you still interested in going out?" I just wanted to put it point-blank I guess... maybe I am too honest... lol. And he was like "yeah..........really Lily, stop obsessing over what happened, that's more unattractive than anything."


So that said, I decided I'm jsut going to keep it casual and cool from now on and not send over flowers/card. I told him fine, I won't give them a 'surprise' either (which was just the flowers/card delivered so I wouldn't go) but now that my meeting plans are over with my old job, I'm feeling a lot more relieved... I also decided I'm not going to contact him at all about Thurs. and let him.

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"yeah..........really Lily, stop obsessing over what happened, that's more unattractive than anything."


That sure is a huge wake up call Lily. I mean it is one thign for a bunch of us strangers on this forum to say you really need to get a grip and FORCE yourself to stop these obsessive thoughts, but you have had a good friend tell you she can't be your friend anyomre over this and now a potential b/f telling you it is very unattractive how you are obsessing. LIke i said on your last thread when you said you are way hotter than his ex g/f, dear heart looks WON'T matter because it is the attitude and personality that will keep a guy around longterm.


You obsess so much about your appearance but you don't seem to work as hard on the INTERNAL Lily and that is the part that is losing your friends.

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yeah... well honestly I am trying to work on it. I started taking anti-anxiety meds to help with my obsessive-compulsive disorder... to some extent, it's not even under my control...


also i started to (internally) panick and asked if he wanted to meet sometime before Thurs. if he's downtown and he said he was completely busy... and that has never happened before... so that's why I was scared he was backing away. Alternatively, one of my good friends who is attracted to me (we're going out for dinner today actually) told me that I should find a guy who can honestly appreciate me for who I am -- the obsessive and contemplative Lily and the not. Because that's who I am, and I can't help it... he said he actually finds it cute and a bit intellectually stimulating to read my thoughts. Whereas I was telling him when we meet on Thurs. I'll have to be really outgoing and calm, and easy-going... and he was like "yeah, but you have a very serious and contemplative side to you too, you're really trying not to show..." And I admit, now that I know he doesn't like it, I am definitely going to be more conscious about not showing that side to me... he likes girls who are cool and fun, and spontaneous and don't think/obsess too much... like most men I would imagine..

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p.s. this friend i'm going out with is too old for me and I am not attracted to him in that way at all... I only see him as a friend. He is aware of that as well, but I know he's still attracted to me... he knows I'm really into this guy though, so it's OK.

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and he was like "yeah, but you have a very serious and contemplative side to you too, you're really trying not to show..." And I admit, now that I know he doesn't like it, I am definitely going to be more conscious about not showing that side to me...


Well you posted about him not being serious enough and not as driven as you are, so it is not a mystery that he also picked up that you are not as laidback and happy go lucky as he is. Sounds like you two are just mismatched. You can't force yourself to be somebody you are not.


But as the obsessiveness not being altogether in your control, i think that you still can have an impact on it if you push the negative thoughts out as quickly as they come in. Meds alone probably won't solve this for you. You are also going to have to make a concerted effort here and want to stop.

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I think a good way to push the negative thoughts out is to re-focus on other things... I tend to "zone into" things when I'm really upset by them, almost hyperfocus like people with ADD do (although my psych. did conclude after doing a test that I didn't have ADD, I do have some traits of that disorder...) and just lose perspective of other things. But I was stressing about him earlier today... sort of upset that he didn't call to wish me goodmorning or text, as he usually does... but then I just had a work meeting now (from 2:30-3:30) and did a very good presentation to the manager of the company... it forced me to take my mind off of him, and sort of uplifted my mood because I recognized my strengths.


I also talked with friends who are supportive... I think I just need to learn to redirect my obsessions when they come... I agree that it may be best not to rely on medication to do that for me. Also you may be right in that we're not compatible for each other... I knew right when I met him that we were polar opposites in many ways, but I am a perceptive person. Maybe he's just starting to figure that out now, and is wondering if it will work.

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[i think I just need to learn to redirect my obsessions when they come..[/i]


I absolutely agree LIly.


And evidently still trying... Do you know I posted a thread about 2-3 years ago on this forum entitled "How to stop being obsessive and thinking so much??" or something along those lines...? It's sort of hard to let go... easier said than done.

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