I would rather be hurt than wonder "What if?"

[Desiderata]

My AIM screenname (3:47:24 AM): i feel like someday i will give my all like that and it will just be the most wonderful thing. someone will appreciate all that i have to give and believe that i am giving everything with all of my heart and not fail me or abandon me

My AIM screenname (3:48:02 AM): and i would rather get hurt 100 times over but be happy with myself than just not put myself out there and wonder what if

 

Yes, it is ridiculous early/late here but I couldn't help but stay up with one of my best friend's. There was a lot of crying and emotional revelations and I don't know if I mentioned this to anyone ever, or told anyone but I feel so strongly about that. Like I gave my all to my ex - I loved him for who he was and accepted that things would get better instead of demanding that I see those changes. But I put everything I had into that relationship and I have no regrets about it. I loved unconditionally and I'm left feeling hurt but satisfied.

 

When I am in another relationship I will still give my 100% as long as I feel the other person is doing the same - I will not allow myself to be hurt like that. But if things end up not working out I will know that I did everything I could to make things work and if the person I'm with could not be happy then it is their loss.

 

I'm to the point where putting everything together that everyone has said to me has come to a standstill and I was just waiting for this type of revelation. I was happy, I really was because I was doing everything I could to make sure I was. But that should have been his job too - to just reciprocate. If he couldn't do that then fine, but this is me just feeling empowered and inspired by so many things. I'm this type of person and someday - though I don't know when - things will just work out.

 

How do you guys feel about that? I don't think I'm the only one to feel this way and as it's early in the morning I'm doing this while very tired. But it's a big step for me and I wanted to share it.

[blender]

Well, you've clearly gotten the gift of wisdom that sometimes only heartbreak can bring.. and that's a good thing. You now have clarity on what it is YOU have to offer someone, and thank god now you know what you will value in someone else.

 

List all your wonderful qualities on a piece of paper, and then make sure those same qualities are your standard for what you truly want to find in a new love and to share with a new love... you are on to better quality relationships and love in your life.. because you have chosen to learn from this heartbreak and to turn it into a positive learning experience..

 

You should feel so proud of yourself... and know that the best is ahead of you, not behind you...

[Benjyh]

Couldnt agree more, nicely written, its just a shame that our ex's couldnt see what we were doing for them/us at the time, and the fact it does have to come down to finding someone that will treat us with the same love respect and admiration we give them.

[Optigan]

Well if you ask me, it depends on what "giving 100%" means for you. The way I see it, it means being yourself, ie not acting "out of character" to get the things you want, or hide the things you possibly don't want the other person to see.

 

Personally, I see no other way to have a decent relationship.

 

Or am I missing the point?

[Anon333]

optigan..Couldnt agree more...Trying to figure out what giving your 100% means....My last relationship, I feel like I did everything in my power to try to make it work..But afterwards, I was left feeling like I did nothing and was a failure...I tried to be myself and make it work..But I guess we werent compatible....My ex did the traditional things, getting me floweres, chocolate, saying ultra sweet things to me...but what it ultimately came down to, is he wanted me to be someone I was not...He wanted to pull me out of my shell, before he even gave me the chance to be comfortable...From the outside, it would have looked like he gave everything and I gave nothing...But as time goes on, I know I put a lot of myself out there, more than I was comfortable with. And I think I got hurt because of it....Anyway...Not sure if this post goes along with this thread...It just spoke to me..In terms of regret, and feeling like you gave all you could...I think optigan is right on, in that being yourself, being open and honest, is probably the most important thing you can give someone...I think you give as much as you feel, and as much as you are capable of in the relationship....

[Cimmie]

I think it depends on your age. OP, you are 20 and have many years of exploration ahead of you in relationships. Rejection is hellish, but it toughens you up. It makes you realize what you will and will not put up with from another person, what your limits and boundaries are.

 

I agree with risking being hurt, theoretically. If I could go back to being 20 I would risk more. If you risk, you win. If you never risk, you never win.

 

However, personally, I can't agree. Having come close to the edge this year after having been rejected by someone I'd spent a decade of my life with, I can honestly say it isn't worth it. I would never allow myself to be so vulnerable again, to live life on someone else's terms. I just couldn't do it because I know that there would be no coming back again if the same thing happened. I'd rather be single the rest of my days, tolerating the loneliness, and I probably will be...

 

'Love is not all, it is not meat or drink' as the poet Edna St Vincent Millay wrote. And she had a point.

[Anon333]

Cimmie...i agree also....Reciprocity is a a good thing in a relationship....But I think it is important to know the other person is doing something out of caring and kindness and not to get something in return...It is more about trust, and knowing the person is being honest and true to you, than actually feeling like they are "giving" enough to you.....Risking being hurt is good if it is with someone you trust, and know they feel the same risk with you..>Any relationship is a risk..But pushing yourself to be or act different to try and make the relationship work is not worth it in my opinion...It is more important to have yourself, and be happy with yourself, than to risk losing yourself in someone, and ultimately all your self esteem..If it is someone who is healthy and cares about you enough..They wont expect anything from you but what you have and want to offer him/her.....If it is not good enough for him/her, than they have to make that decision to walk away.....But if it is a healthy relationship, they will want you to have your independance, be happy with yourself, support you, and understand your space and boundaries....And you you should feel the same...

 

So, from experience, giving your 100% means more giving this person the independance and space they need and want, while being supportive....Knowing when to walk away if you are not getting what you need from the relationship, instead of making yourself or the other person suffer.....And wishing them the best, and being thankful for the time you shared together to help eachother grow and learn about themselves...I am still working on getting to that healthy place.....

[nightw0lf]

Well done sweets, you know what i think so im not going to say much besides the fact that i agree 100 percent.

[Cimmie]

Yes I agree Anon333. I was in a co-dependent situation so the risk and the loss were huge.

 

It's a tricky line to walk: keeping enough of your 'self' and your status as an independent person, and yet giving generously and lovingly to another person; making yourself vulnerable to that person in all sorts of ways, and trusting them enough to be able to do this without holding back.

 

Trust is the key, and trust can only be built between two people over time. You have to prove to each other that each is trustworthy. A relationship flowers where there is real trust. That means: treating someone with respect and empathy, NEVER lying to them about anything, taking their corner in life but not being blinded to their faults and letting them know when they are in the wrong (gently) and not flying off the handle when they do the same to you. You need a strong character for this, you need not be so desperate to have someone in your life that you compromise on all or some of these things...I've done that and know what it's like- it's selling your soul, basically.

 

Never going there again...

[Desiderata]

Well it seems like there is a nice little discussion going on here...

 

blender - It's been hard to try and convince myself of that but it just came down to me knowing that if he could hurt me like that in the end then there must be someone better. You don't let go of someone worth keeping so clearly he thought I wasn't. That just hurts me but gives me strength to move on. Making a list of my good qualities sounds like a good idea, but it will probably be hard. I tried to think of a few things to post in the "What makes you a good catch?" thread and I even had a hard time with that. But I am proud of myself for taking this big of a step.

 

Benjyh - Thank you my darling, what you say was so nice. It is a shame that our ex's couldn't realize what they had and now we just have to find new people that will appreciate us as much as we deserve to be.

 

Optigan - I figured the "100%" might be one of those grey areas, but what I mean is just giving everything that you have and putting it into the relationship - like if I am caring as much as I do I should be feeling the same love from my SO. I know it is the only way to have a decent relationship but I feel like since I was carrying so much on my shoulders with the relationship I could not see that he wasn't in it as much as I was. I think it took this breakup to make me realize that he was never going to care as much as I did and still do in some ways.

 

Anon - (as per your first post) Being yourself is definitely the most important thing. I mean I did things that my ex liked to do, we went out to places that he wanted, but I never wanted to compromise the person I was and change my personality or what I loved for him. It's like if you put everything you have into a relationship and they still aren't happy it means they aren't in it as much as you are or they just do not care and then something like a breakup inevitably happens.

 

Cimmie - (as per your first post) I'm happy in some ways that this happened to me now - that it happened to be at such a young age where I can go out into the world with a clear and open mind, realizing exactly what I want to seek in friends and potential boyfriends. Feeling vulnerable is the last thing that I want - I just realize that I would rather give my all and feel good about a relationship than hold back and feel pain - like I could have been there more. Now I don't have any regrets like "I should have done this" or "I should have done that" because I was all of those things.

 

Anon - I'm working on getting to that healthy place too. I feel like I did everything that I wanted to in my relationship - I was everything I thought that I should be. My ex was just not willing to put forth as much as I did and I kept relying on his words, telling me "He was trying" and "Things would get better". I should have had that mutual respect and level of caring because he wanted to provide that for me - to make me feel wanted and safe. But he chose to end things and thereforeeee left me feeling hurt - but like I was all me, just me and if he didn't want to accept that then he isn't worth it.

 

nightw0lf - I know, I know that you agree and that anything you would have to tell me has already been said. But I'm happy you posted in my thread.

 

Anon - Definitely, like I fully agree with what you said about trust. We should never have to compromise who we are to gain the love of someone and if there is a strong and pure trust there then things will be able to work out. If you compromise yourself it's not really you in the relationship, it is the person that your SO wants you to be and that is ridiculous. I think finding that balance of being yourself and still accepting and supporting someone else is so hard. It's not very easy to do when the other person is so shaky in their actions and their emotions so that you have no idea what they are doing in any given situation. What I mean by that is that my ex would change his attitude so often that I had no idea which person he would be from time to time. I had to wonder - would he let me help him out, would he vent to me, would he push me away? That guessing game killed me inside.

 

I'm just finding things really hard right now even with the revelation. I'm missing him more and more, I have to go to his house on Saturday to pick up some things for school and I just don't know how that's going to be. I don't understand how someone that supposedly cares about you can just hurt you that badly without a second thought.

[blender]

You stated in your post: QUOTE: "You don't let go of someone worth keeping so clearly he thought I wasn't." END QUOTE That is not a good thing for you to think, because it's NOT accurate... the fact is that a guy has to appreciate goodness in himself in order to appreciate it in you.

 

So do not take his inability to stay in a relationship with you personally. It's about HIM, he's just not ready, he's not willing, and that is because HE is not able to give to you, or to any girl the same qualities you yourself are able to offer. He didn't leave you, he left "himself" because intamcy, and emotional responsibility is not something he's yet comfortable with.. so it is your acceptance of this, you can let go and understand that he's just not ready...it didn't matter what you did or didn't do.. it's just not the right timing for him.. that's all... he's not ready.

[Desiderata]

*sigh* I respect that fact that he knows that he cannot be in a relationship right now. I just wish that he didn't have to end things on such a bitter note then. He could have just said it was too much for him and he needed a break. He could have told me anything but instead he decided to put me down and make me feel horrible - like I was doing so many things wrong and he couldn't handle it. There are ways he could have ended it that might have made me feel better and just showed me that he was emotionally unstable instead of falling out of love with me and not liking the person that I am.

 

I respect him and care about him, but he just didn't have to say the things that he did.

[Moto]

I respect him and care about him, but he just didn't have to say the things that he did.

 

He probably just doesn't know any other way to let someone down, and really didn't mean to be hurtful I imagine. At least I would hope, for his sake.

 

Just put your head down, and keep trucking forward Desi, I am trying to do the same, but just when it becomes an easy road , a rock slide happens.

[Desiderata]

I would hope so. I just can't help but wonder now - like he can't handle a relationship right now. I can't think about "what ifs" because I know that even in the future I don't know if I could be with him. I would hope that he didn't mean to be hurtful but I just cry thinking about that.

 

Exactly, my darling, exactly. I thought things were okay, I thought I was fine and now this. I know what I want in a relationship but I cannot help but miss him terribly. I miss all of our good times and I hate that he ended things. It's hard to tell myself there will be someone better and it's hard to thinking about being lonely. That empty feeling inside me wants to be filled, wants to be filled by him, but he ended this with me and I need to find ways to make myself okay.

[just M.E.]

Desiderata,

ouch .... I've live my life believing as you and I've got a few years more than you, would I change the way I love? NO, would I make better choices in who I love? YES!!

 

Having the perfection of hind sight it seems so clear, but given the same situations again, I don't know if I would have seen the red flags, they were so cleverly hidden. But who I am gives 110% either in love or at work or any endevor.

 

'Tis better to loved and lost than never have loved at all.

 

but man, does it suck!!!

[Desiderata]

just M.E. - That is such a great way to look at it. The way that I love and the way I approach people is my own and that's how I like it. Being hurt has shown me that I know what I want in potential partners and even in friends, but that it is not wrong to just want to hold out for something wonderful.

 

The red flags in my relationship were so hidden too - he was a gentleman, so cute, courteous, put me first, etc. but then I started to see his anger issues, his depression, his not willing to open up or want me to open up to him, etc. I think that I will always give 100% of myself just because that's who I am but that I will know better now than to stay with someone that isn't showing me that they can be better and is just telling me things with no intention of acting on them.

 

It definitely does suck, but it's these kinds of things that I think we need in life sometimes. I need this push to figure out myself and know what I can look forward to in the future.

[just M.E.]

Led Zepplin, Stairway to Heaven:

"Don't you know words have no meaning?"

[Desiderata]

Mmm, that is very true. Words can have some meaning on their own, but unless their is action to incorporate them or follow them they can really mean nothing. If you mean something you are better off showing someone what you are trying to say rather than saying it. People can say anything they want, but if their is effort to prove that then it is all worth it.

 

Very wise, just M.E., very wise.

 

P.S. Guys - Hung out with friends tonight, treated myself to some white hot chocolate - they were out of regular, so I settled and it was delicious - then came back to my friend's house and played some Tetris, old school haha. It was just a fun evening. It's very cold here now though and that makes me upset.

[Coyote9]

Blender, this is an amazing piece you've contributed here and the truth, as if we wanted to continue in the relationship and our ex's simply gave up, it's about them and their issues with commitment, fidelity, maturity or whatever. The reasons don't matter, they quit and it's not about as you have said what we did or didn't do. I think when we finally accept that point, we are well on our way to letting go!

[Desiderata]

I'm trying to accept that point wholeheartedly. I realize that my ex is trying to figure out his life - he's not in school anymore, he's just working and he can't really take care of himself. I mean to the point where if no one is home he cannot make any food and I had to remind him to shower sometimes... yes, I know there is no need to tell me "ew" or that I can find someone way better, I get that. But he was all about "we're getting too serious" and those kinds of things.

 

So while he might have loved me or been in love with me (I sincerely believe there is a difference) he's just not ready to be so committed and felt like he couldn't be in a relationship because he needs to just focus on his life. I accept that part, I just hate that I cared so much and all of this hurt has to come with it. But each day I keep getting better and just realizing how much I can really do for myself. I think it's working or at least I feel like it is.

 

And Coyote you did not go to sleep like you said, you need your rest for work tomorrow!

[Benjyh]

1 Thing that im finding a little odd at the moment, is my ex told me the truth about cheating on me, only once, but still cheating on me. but for some reason that seems to be the only reason why i am not over her, if she hadnt told me i would be non the wiser and able to move on, but the fact that she did that horrible thing, makes me think of her more

[Desiderata]

That's horrible that she told you, Benjyh, I'm so sorry. It's like throwing it in your face almost and that isn't right. It's like now when you think about her there is so much more to think about than just her leaving you. I mean what makes anyone think that their SO is so bad that they have to cheat on them or leave them for someone that they think is better?

 

I know that my ex can't be with anyone right now because of what he said and I hope that is true. I understand some reasons why he did what he did, but it hurts no matter what. I think it's why he wanted to be friends so much - he wants me in his life, but knows that having a relationship would be too much pressure on him. That hurts but I guess I can understand that. I'm just trying to deal with the absense of him and the empty feeling inside.

 

Benjyh, I just hope that things will slowly get better for you. It's going to be so hard because you know what she is doing, but just know that this only makes you stronger. You are still the person that you are and no one should change that. She might have left you but it is her loss - all you can do is be optimistic for yourself and know that she has to deal with hurting you but you do not have to feel responsible for her actions or for hurting anyone.

[Benjyh]

yeah, i just feel betrayed which is such a hard thing to get over, one of her other reasons for breaking up with me was she wanted some time alone, and be single again (sleep with whoever she wants) but 2-3 weeks after we broke up she was with another guy who she is still with i think, i havent spoken to her in over 3 weeks. but our relationship was LDR and this new guy lives close to her (2 mins) and so its alot easier for her, as the country gap england -> norway was hard for both of us, but in the end only i believed it could work, and she lost hope.

 

i just need to come to terms with the fact its not my fault she cheated on me, its her.

 

thanks for the kind words

 

Benj

[Desiderata]

She is so selfish then, she really is. Time alone that equates to sleeping with whomever she wants - that is just worthy of a slap in the face from me and I would do it too.. that is if I knew her or felt like doing that, but I would for you. Hmm... an LDR, I can see how that would be hard but you would think that if someone cared it wouldn't matter - they would be with you and it would be just fine.

 

In the end of my relationship I believed we could work things out but I was the only one too. It's sad but that should make you realize what a great heart you have - caring so much up until the very end and wanting to make things work out between the two of you.

 

It's definitely her - it was before and it is even more so now. If she wants to be all promiscuous and cheat on you then that's her and it's her choice. But you wanted to be with her and thought she would want to be with you and there is nothing wrong with putting faith or trust in someone. She went wrong by betraying you and she doesn't deserve all that you had to give her.

 

You're very welcome, and I will keep that slap in the face ready should there ever come a time when I will need to deliver it. A very slim chance, I'm sure, but I'm okay with that.

 

And, this is the first post I'm doing with my new signature... not that it won't come up on everything else, but I think it's exciting. I get really excited over little things, it's just a habit.

[Benjyh]

haha thanks as much as i want to hate her i dont which is odd, as when things were good, they were so good, and she is the only person that knew/knows every single little detail about me however personal/embarrasing it is, and something like that you can never really lose, i just hope i can find a "better version" if you understand what i mean

 

i miss the old her i dislike the newer her

 

but gotta stop thinking of her! must smile!