Please help...

[secretsstash]

This has been eating at me for 6 months now and it's at the point where I can't sleep. I'm 19 years old and I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend(a few months shy of 18 ). He lives almost 2000 miles away and we only see each other about 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time. I am very close t him and don't doubt for a second that I'm in love with him. We've been together for about 2 years, long distance the whole time. Before him there were numerous guys that I found myself attracted to or that I ended up liking. It would last a few weeks or a couple months at most until I got bored of them. I never dated any of them or told them how I felt. I simply liked spending time with them. Back in February I met this guy that I ended up liking a lot. At first I thought it was just because we got along so well and he was like a guy version of myself. I thought I just really liked him as a friend. We would hang out about once a week and I realized I liked him as more than a friend. We were looking through a book together and he held my hand. I let him do this while contemplating in my mind whether or not this constituted as cheating on my boyfriend. I couldn't decide so figured I shouldn't let him hold my hand. I told him I didn't feel comfortable doing that and he was fine with it. He knew I had a boyfriend. I wanted him to kiss me quite a few times, which never happened, and after a couple more weeks of hanging out I told him I can't hang out with him anymore. I apologized and explained that I didn't trust myself because I liked him and I wanted to stay faithful to my boyfriend. He understood and, though seeming disappointed, complied with my request. He never asked to hang out again and now we only talk occasionally online. I don't have any feelings for him anymore, like all the other guys before my boyfriend. I felt, and still do, incredibly guilty for having spent time with him after realizing why I liked his attention so much. I feel guilty for letting him hold my hand. I feel guilty for wanting him to kiss me.

 

There's the story now my question: Did I cheat on my boyfriend? God knows it feels like I did...

 

...and my problem: My boyfriend is very insecure. He is jealous at time but more so just very easily hurt. I'm about 78% sure he'll be upset if I tell him this but it's killing me to not tell him. I feel even more guilty knowing I'm keeping this from him. I don't want him to be upset because i hate hurting him. I can picture the look on his face after I do tell him. His last girlfriend cheated on him and that's why they broke up. I'm also afraid he might end things with me. A long distance relationship is strained enough without having to worry if the other is being faithful or not.

 

...another question: Is it better to tell him what happened or not? I hate keeping things from him and want to be honest with him. At the same time I don't want to hurt him.

[mintblossom]

To be honest, I don't think you need to tell him anything. Just because you had some thoughts in your head doesn't mean anything. You never acted upon it and you backed off from it.

 

I think you're holding onto too much guilt over something minor.

[sweetheart607]

that's nothing to feel guilty about. you behaved how you should. i would't tell him, it'll only hurt the relationship over nothing xx

[secretsstash]

Thanks for the advice. It was much appreciated.