High standards

[Thelovingone]

I have very high standards. It's me.

I've been with this girl for over a year, and she meets about 95% of my standards, but lately she has not been fullfilling those anymore.

 

One of my highest standards is religion, I don't want to be with someone that is a differen't religion, the only way I can is if they are willing to change or think differently. And I stick to this greatly.

 

But tonight, I thought my girlfriend was ok in this part, but apparently there is one little problem, it's about evolution. She believes partly that we did evolve and that god did create us. It baffles me cause I don't understand how you can believe two things that don't go together.

 

And to me it's hurting that part. And she gets so mad, cause she says, "Thats what I think it shouldn't matter to you, you believe one thing and I think alittle diffferent." And it hurts that she wont even think about it and consider the way I think.

 

Anyways, I know I should consider hers but it just doesn't seem to be right to me and I can't be ok with that. Thanks.

[siennalou]

God created matter. Matter evolved.

 

That's how you can believe in both. It's not that hard. Billions of years are as a second to God.

 

Your high standards though are scary.

[ElektraHere]

Hun its ok to keep expectations and standards but you have to know which you will forsake to be happy. Having too high of standards or expectation is a lonely life. The reason being is no one will ever be that perfect to fill each and everyone of those criterias.

 

The joy about being a human being is that we all think differently. Im not so sure I would want a carbon copy of myself as a partner. When someone has a different thought process we can learn so much about life and emotions in general.

 

How old are you btw?

[Night Pumpkin]

Loving someone means accepting them as they are, not as how you want them to be. Maybe you have very different views than your girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you have the right to stop loving her, respecting her, and watching over her.

 

I know a guy who is a pastor of a church. His brother, and best friend, is gay. His brother lives with a man who is his "husband." Nevertheless, my friend says he spends most of his free time with his brother and loves him more than anyone else except his wife. They do have conversations about the Bible and about his lifestyle, and there are areas of disagreement. But doesn't mean that he stops loving his brother. In the same way you have an obligation to keep loving your girlfriend, regardless of whether she believe she is descended of apes.

[mystik]

 

And to me it's hurting that part. And she gets so mad, cause she says, "Thats what I think it shouldn't matter to you, you believe one thing and I think alittle diffferent." And it hurts that she wont even think about it and consider the way I think.

 

Anyways, I know I should consider hers but it just doesn't seem to be right to me and I can't be ok with that. Thanks.

 

Sorry, but it seems to me like you're being hypocritical here. You're not expecting a compromise nor even a discussion. It upsets you that she wont consider the way you think, yet you refuse to consider her opinion/belief either. What advice are you seeking here? You'll either have to accept that she has a different opinion than you and just move on, or, allow this to become a deal-breaker in the relationship. The question I have is this, are you even considering just having her have her own opinion? Or are you looking for a way to convince her your way is right, simply because it's your own opinion and you can't handle that she doesn't feel the same way?

[Thelovingone]

I do believe somethings did change over time, just not really us, except in technology and the way we think.

 

God created us in his image and have always been the same. Never a monkey.

 

And this isn't something I would break up with her over, just want to get past this stupid conflict.

 

And it just makes it worse when she yells and gets all mad about it. I just want to talk about it with but she doesn't.

 

I'm 17 years old.

[melrich]

Well it sounds like you guys are not going to be compatable. You can't force someone to change their views to align with your own and it is not reasonable to make that a condition of your relationship.

 

I think you are best to let this relationship go and find someone who is more aligned with your own views if it is a prerequisite to having a relationship with you.

[Thelovingone]

Sorry, but it seems to me like you're being hypocritical here. You're not expecting a compromise nor even a discussion. It upsets you that she wont consider the way you think, yet you refuse to consider her opinion/belief either. What advice are you seeking here? You'll either have to accept that she has a different opinion than you and just move on, or, allow this to become a deal-breaker in the relationship. The question I have is this, are you even considering just having her have her own opinion? Or are you looking for a way to convince her your way is right, simply because it's your own opinion and you can't handle that she doesn't feel the same way?

 

I will except her having her own opinion. But I also have thought about that second part you said, and thats the way I look at it at first, but if that doesn't work I just deal with it. I'm just asking how I can stop being so redicules about things, cause it's hard.

[ElektraHere]

You are 17 and looking at the world through the eyes of a 17 year old. Have a little life experiences, go out and meet different people, and I guarantee your views will change if not a little perhaps even alot.

 

Also thinking of settling down or marriage at 17 is a bit futile in my opinion. Why?? Just refer back to my first paragraph.

[Dako]

If the conflict is stupid, stop fighting over it.

 

Relationships are about compromise, and if this is truly only 5% of what matters between you, it's minor.

 

Anyone who's been in a longterm relationship has had to learn that people change and evolve over time. Not like monkeys, but as human beings.

[mystik]

I'm just asking how I can stop being so redicules about things, cause it's hard.

 

Oh, okay, sorry I seemed so harsh. I didn't quite understand what type of advice you were looking for. Hm....perhaps just try to realize that there will be always little things that you don't always agree on. Then, realize that what she believes, makes her who she is, and that is someone you love, and chose to be with. She really shouldn't yell at you though, unless you are pushing the topic too hard? If you aren't, maybe tell her that you don't appreciate the yelling and just want to come to a compromise of having different opinions.

[Thelovingone]

I don't act like a 17 year old. I act older for my age, I'm quiet, I hate drinking, partying (Some exceptions, New years, ect.). I don't look at other girls lustfully, I don't like alot of things other kids my age are. Like my cousin, he is the exact opposite of me, so are alot of my friends, just I'm alot different. And I stick to what I believe, even if it does make me be alone, but who knows, I might change differently.

 

My friends also say I'm weird. But I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird?

[Thelovingone]

Oh, okay, sorry I seemed so harsh. I didn't quite understand what type of advice you were looking for. Hm....perhaps just try to realize that there will be always little things that you don't always agree on. Then, realize that what she believes, makes her who she is, and that is someone you love, and chose to be with. She really shouldn't yell at you though, unless you are pushing the topic too hard? If you aren't, maybe tell her that you don't appreciate the yelling and just want to come to a compromise of having different opinions.

 

It's hard to that now. Our past hasn't been the best, and it's hard to those things. I'm very unsecure, and she has a very short temper, and she yells little things that I get upset over, which makes me feel even worse. Gah, I don't know where this is going.

[Night Pumpkin]

The fact that you don't drink, party, or lust doesn't make you mature for your age. You sound very self righteous and unwilling to accept people who are different that you.

 

The issue isn't whether or not evolution is true as much as it about willing to love your girlfriend even if she doesn't share all your views. As a Christian myself, I can give you endless Biblical examples about men who loved thier wives even though they didn't share all of thier views.

 

What about the story in the Bible about the prophet who married a prostitute who later cheated on him, and that he still loved her ? There are countless other stories in the Bible of men who loved their wives even when they were unfaithful to them. Maybe you should read some of them.

 

You have a right to your opinion, but remember to "speak the truth in love." This means that when you talk to someone with different views, you always remember that first and foremost you love that person, in the same way that Christ loved his enemies who crucified him.

[ElektraHere]

I still think you need to get out and have life experiences in order to really know what you want out of life. Even though you may not drink, party, lust, or whatever does not mean in the future you wont do any of these things. It also does not mark you as mature. Mature is being able to take in all opinions and not discount someone because they have a differing of opinions.

[Thelovingone]

Yes, I know those stories, I'm never going to stop loving her, and I know she will never stop loving me. It's just little things get to me so easly. It does blind me and make me think for a second that I don't love her. I don't want to be like that anymore. And her and I do have bad communication when we have arguments. Hmm.

 

I know all of you are right by the way. Esspecially NightPumpkin, thanks.

[Thelovingone]

I still think you need to get out and have life experiences in order to really know what you want out of life. Even though you may not drink, party, lust, or whatever does not mean in the future you wont do any of these things. It also does not mark you as mature. Mature is being able to take in all opinions and not discount someone because they have a differing of opinions.

 

I don't want to do that, but if that is what needs to happen, it will happen one way or another. Ah, so confusing. Thanks everyone for the help.

[Night Pumpkin]

You have some communication difficulties ?

 

Maybe you could tell us more specifically about them, and we could help you...

 

I don't know if this is relevant or not to your situation, but I remember being told that when you talk to someone you love, never make over generalizations and try to stick to "XYZ" statements. For example, instead of telling your partner that she "never cleans the bathroom" let her know that last night you expected the bathroom to be cleaned and that it wasn't and that you feel frustrated. That is just an example. But I have found XYZ statements. THey are composed of three parts: An act, a specific act when the act was commited, and how you felt about it. Just some suggestions...

[Day_Walker]

I dont care what the issue is but if you cannot accept the fact that another person may have a different opinion than yours then it is not their problem it is your problem. Remember that you are the one with this rule, it is your artificial construction and that is what is making you upset. If it upsets you that much then find a new one. What you really should do is learn that something thinking differently than you is a good thing, and what you believe is what you believe, that doesnt mean other people have to believe it.

[Thelovingone]

You have some communication difficulties ?

 

Maybe you could tell us more specifically about them, and we could help you...

 

I don't know if this is relevant or not to your situation, but I remember being told that when you talk to someone you love, never make over generalizations and try to stick to "XYZ" statements. For example, instead of telling your partner that she "never cleans the bathroom" let her know that last night you expected the bathroom to be cleaned and that it wasn't and that you feel frustrated. That is just an example. But I have found XYZ statements. THey are composed of three parts: An act, a specific act when the act was commited, and how you felt about it. Just some suggestions...

 

Thats the way I think about it also, but she gets so mad, and irritated, and it's hard to get into details about why I feel bad. Her and I have talked about this before, she tells me to tell her in the most detail I can so she can help me, and she says she wont get mad but she still does, it's annoying, so our conflicts seem worse than they really are.

[Thelovingone]

I dont care what the issue is but if you cannot accept the fact that another person may have a different opinion than yours then it is not their problem it is your problem. Remember that you are the one with this rule, it is your artificial construction and that is what is making you upset. If it upsets you that much then find a new one. What you really should do is learn that something thinking differently than you is a good thing, and what you believe is what you believe, that doesnt mean other people have to believe it.

 

Oh what I would give to change that easly, It's hard. I don't care what alot of people think, it's their opinion, and I respect that.

 

But when it comes to the one I love then thats where I feel different about that.

[Day_Walker]

Oh what I would give to change that easly, It's hard. I don't care what alot of people think, it's their opinion, and I respect that.

 

But when it comes to the one I love then thats where I feel different about that.

 

My reference is not to others it is to your partner. That is your choice to operate as you do but see how your standard is causing the predicament that you are currently in.

[Thelovingone]

My reference is not to others it is to your partner. That is your choice to operate as you do but see how your standard is causing the predicament that you are currently in.

 

It's not really a choice, the littliest things bother me, and I can say it doesn't bother me, but it does, and it eats away, and I become depressed if I don't let her know. Thats how my last relationship ended.

 

I can't not let it bother me.

[ElektraHere]

If you keep this thinking and/or high standards this is the course your life shall take. Constant depression, loneliness, and disappointment.

[Thelovingone]

*Sigh* WIsh I wasn't like this. Stupid little problems wouldn't be here. I know my standards and the way I think is the problem. I want to change, just I don't know how. Wish someone could say something and it change me.