can't figure out what's going on......need some advice

[goin_nuts]

I guess I should start by saying my girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now. The relationship has been long distance in nature ever since it started, with me going to school in Boston and her living in NY. However, I took a job in Chicago in the beginning of August, and things have been difficult ever since she got back to school. Everything was fine when she was still at home, but since she's been back at school she's been extremely busy, with work school and playing a sport all taking up her time. I have tried to be understanding, but at the same time I have had alot of difficulty with the fact that we rarely speak anymore. I tried on numerous occasions to explain to her what I was going through, but she just got irritated with me and told me she didn't have time for emotional conversations anymore, she just wants everything to be less emotional in her life. I can understand this as she has had to deal with alot of hardship in her life, and I don't want to be another burden to her, but I just feel like she is unwilling to change in the least, and while I am willing to do anything for her it seems like she is unwilling to be even the least bit sympathetic or make any kind of effort. She says i try to play too many mental mind games with her, and then she gets frustrated because she seems to think I am rehashing the same topics over and over again. I thought if she understood how unhappy she was making me, everything would just go back to normal, but obviously I was wrong. Am I going about this thing in all the wrong way? I am just really confused and I really love this girl so I don't want to mess this thing up. I am going up there next week for the long weekend, and she has said that she just needs some "breathing space" right now until we can talk about things in person. Problem is, I know once i get up there things will be ok but not great, and we will end up not talking about anything because she is so afraid of it becoming an emotional drag out fight. Any advice you guys could give would be great, as I am driving myself crazy.

[Turboz]

Hi,

 

If it was me I would go and see her and ask her to spare me 1/2 hour so I can say something to her.

 

I would then ask her to listen to everything I had to say without her interrupting me or arguing about it. I would insist that she just listen to everything until Ive said all I can say. That way you get the chance to spell out exactly how you feel to her and she has to listen to it and see how you feel before she reacts. If she try's to interrupt just ask her to "Please just listen as I'll only say this once". When you've told her all you want to say and told her all your feelings etc then allow her to respond. Do not say anything in an aggressive tone of voice. Just be honest, open, sincere and ask her to help save the relationship. It might also be useful to ask her if she really wants to continue it because you really do like her but you feel hurt by the way she doesn't always seem to reciprocate the feelings. Tell her that if she doesn't have feelings for you that you would rather know now than be lied to.

 

Remember though there is a chance she will want to end it if you do this. At least you will find out though and be able to move on with your life rather than be kept dangling on a bit of string.

[Superfly81]

Sorry for my directness, but I think she is going to break up with you.

 

She needs breathing space? With that big of a distance? No more emotional conversations?

 

If I were you, or I would dump her now and find another girl myself. Or I would go and be different than she anticipates. Try to change yourself into a challenge, play harder to get.

 

There are articles about keeping a woman that is about to dump you at link removed!

[Mar]

I have to agree that the situation is pretty sad if she has THAT much distance, barely speaks to you, and is unwilling to even have one conversation about the problems you're having with the relationship. My first thought is that (call me suspicious, can't help it) she might have someone on the side, and it's her guilty conscience speaking up. *ducks*

 

Okay, having gotten that out of the way, she's being just slightly unreasonable, don't you think? She wants the entire relationship dictated to HER liking, not taking your feelings into consideration whatsoever. Not too fair, is it? I think not. If I were in that position, quite honestly I'd give that person all the space they wanted, because it's not an equal partnership if one side is consistently being shut out or made to follow the other's dictates. That's not healthy, my friend.

 

Go up there this weekend and try to have your talk again. If you're rational and lay out what it is that's bothering you and she gets angry or tries turning it back to something YOU did, you know it's a loss. Any reasonable person will be willing to listen, REALLY listen, and accept their fault for the problems in a relationship. If it turns into a fight where she can't accept her faults and places all the blame on you, you have a problem there.

 

Good luck, I sincerely hope she's not as bad as I've made her out to be, and there was no disrespect intended.......but this relationship IS as much about you and your happiness as it is hers!

[Superfly81]

Mar, good advice.

 

Still, I think this thing is done already. She will finish it. I think he can be the strong one by not needing to talk (he should already know), by keeping a distance while there, so she might come back to him. And if she doesn't, he saved his soul a little...

[college_chick]

Hello there...I read your posting and I knew exactly what you were feeling. I am going through a similar situation, only with my boyfriend. Since he has gone to college (5 hours away from me) I have been getting less and less emotional responses from him. Someone that used to write me endless little 'love' notes and emails, now hardly has time for me as he is making a social life for himself there. Not to mention he is busy with school work. Anyway, I feel like I am doing all the suffering on MY end...but he doesnt seem to think there is a real relationship problem here. Everything seems OK to him, while I am at school pulling my hair out because I miss him and we dont communicate like we used to. We too have been in a 2-year relationship and are (were) very close. However, he rarely speaks of our future, and how he feels about me...he thinks it is all 'implied' and doesnt have to be re-instated when we talk on the phone or computer. However, I feel I need that more than ever!! Anyway...

My solution to you? Just try your best to give her space. Don't constantly bring up the fact you feel lousy, but visit her, and see how things go from there. I know it may be killing you, but try to give it time. Also, it's really hard to mis-communicate during a long-distance relationship. That's my biggest problem...I read too much into things, and trick myself into thinking everything is wrong. Just try and be patient with her and realize that she is in a very different world than you right now...you may not always be first and foremost on her mind anymore--but that doesnt mean she is not caring for you. Sometimes making herself busy and unavailable is just a cover-up to her really missing you. (Which I am guilty of last year). Look at her behavior when you are together in person...how she touches you, how you greet...those clues will let you know if she is into the relationship (and you!) anymore or not. See if she asks about your life, or just talks about herself more. She should be equally interested in yours. Reminisce a little too, to get her thinking about how things used to be--when you were together and probably blissfully happy. But dont dwell in the past. You are not likely to ever achieve that sort of magic again, as in the beginning, but hopefully will have a deeper love eventually. But reminiscing should get her thinking about how valuable you are to her life...you know? ok, well good luck. L