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I've never felt sharper in my life!

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Hey boss, it's great to hear you're still around!


The job, money thing, maybe I can help. I'm not saying I'll give you all my money. It's very rare the real cause of people's problems are money, sometimes it is! Despite the way I probably come over, I'm no dumby! Maybe I can help, if you're interested, let's take it off line.


I reaaly appreciate your getting back and support!


Sure I'm depressed, but my mental processes have never felt more acute. I don't believe medication is any answer. I tried an antidepressant over a year ago. What a nightmare, the side effects were awful, it was like living in a padded cell.


Are you still with me?

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...what I read in your prior post were not the words of someone whose mental faculties were particularly acute. If you are depressed, your faculties will move like you are in a tar pit. If you are coming out of a depression, it may seem like your mental faculties are sharper than ever, and depending on how long that depression lasted it may simply be situational.


Once the decision FOR SUICIDE has been made, the depression can sometimes lift...this is still not a good thing. The lifting of the depression is, but not the reason why it has lifted.


My computer -- CPU, Motherboard -- fried last week after about week into the grief over the loss of my wife's grandchild. It was pretty shocking to walk into an ER room and see that yellow-skinned infant wrapped in swaddling, the parents and my wife with blood-red eyes.


It's just been one thing after another, y'know? I feel like I'm at my wit's end here...able to function, but one of more serious disappointment and I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm at some sort of jumping off point to be sure; I've sent out hundreds of resumes and applications and, well, I'm not 25 years old anymore, and I'm not from India...so my prospects are pretty grim. About the only thing brightening my day is watching the entire Bush Administration getting bitch-slapped around the Beltway...they have been a significant part of MY problems for a good long while now -- economically, psychologically, spiritually and emotionally.


I am aware of what my PART in my problems are, and have been, at least more than the average bear. I simply detest those who abuse their power and yet am attracted to them like a magnet. I can be, and have been, a good subordinate to SOME bosses throughout my career, but when it comes to what I think is right and wrong, if they simply rely on their organizational position for all of their authority, I just can not stop myself from obsessing about their demise in one form or other.


I was about 5 years old when my father started saying some really hurtful and bigotted things to be older half-sister -- she was effectively my surrogate mother and about 9 years my senior. I remember telling him very matter of factly that he had no right to make her cry and feel bad and he unloaded on me. I remember flying backwards through the air and ending up with a fat lip. I developed a stealthier method of defying him from that day, forward, and it really hurt me more than him.


But knowing doesn't help. I realize that I've said and done some things in defiance of authority both where I used to work (I was a manager and I thought that meant something -- it didn't), and to the Bush administration (I immediately began writing letters, letters, letters to every journalist I had any kind of relationship with, and several letters to the editor of online publications), and this crusade probably got me into trouble, too. Sad, but true, that speaking your mind and calling them like you see them can have an impact on how you are viewed accross the board. But in the end I know I was correct...Bush and the CIA set 9/11 up and killed our own citizens in order to put forth a Fourth Reich that, they hoped, would be superior to the Third one which the Bush Family was complicit in supporting in the first place. Alot of innocent people have been murdered because of the games these bastards have played and alot of US foreign policy decisions were made in our name that we had nothing to do with as a people and as a government.


Specifically in my case, Bushes', "No Child Left Behind," was simply a cover that allowed his cronies to devastate the Educational Testing Industry's infrastructure. If I had kept my mouth shut and been a good pawn, I might have been spared getting laid-off; but I just could not. And I could no longer justify wasting my time pursuing an organizational agenda that was designed to exclude people whom I felt were worth salvaging. So now they're hurting and they will do their level best to keep Reed from knowing what is REALLY going on. I've seen it happen before. These are tough people, even if they are technically inclined.


I took the projects on that were costing them the most in late penalties and saved them 5 out of the six million they had gone into the hole over. They still laid me off and the more astute, but organizationally incompetent, took the credit. That would be fine but I'm beginning to suspect that my good name is being impugned by these slimy bastards because, well, when word gets around and questions are asked, someone has to come up with an answer within the old organization. And they've shown no compunction against lying to save their own behinds. I've heard through the grapevine that Reed has installed their own CIO over the mess that I was a part of...I offered my services but no one has gotten back to me. Before it's over they will wish they had because if the new CIO is truly Reed's guy, they will have him out of there inside of 16 months. Guaranteed. Or they will sell the company, if they're smart.


But, enough about me, whaddya think about me?


I have to try and get my newly refurbished PC up and running and get off of this old hackneyed machine. No hard disk speed or space, and too much memory to be useful, but not enough to make a Ramdisk out of.


Something's going on with you and I'm not quite sure what it is. You're defending yourself well, intellectually, but your problems are almost entirely emotional. It is possible to be highly intelligent, yet emotionally retarded. That retardation is generally induced by childhood trauma.


Therapy won't help until a firmer psychological foundation has been poured and allowed to set up. No drinking, Fletche. No smoking grass, either. You can't rebuild your perspective using only half of your nervous system. And it sounds like you need to keep your chin up right now, so the few moments of "not feeling," that drugs and alcohol afford won't come anywhere near the price you will pay in increased depression and feelings of worthlessness.


You should email me at paul475 at witty dot com and let me know how you are doing. I don't know if you can help me, but I know I can be of some help to you, even if you don't think so right now.

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I used to be an IT manager over about 7 people in the educational testing industry. The educational testing industry was my bread and butter for a long time. I think I've outgrown that now. I'm tired of stubbing my toes on people who just don't get, "it."


I did spend two years doing all sorts of coding and designing -- mainframe, database, web -- for the financial services industry. If there's one thing I've had reasonable luck with it's investing. I bought into a gold fund in the Summer of 2002 and it's done very well. Not a long term investment, I don't believe, but at least I've made back my money, and then some, from the crash.


How would you know if you were emotionally retarded? If you were self centered and narcissistic, you wouldn't -- other people's feelings would not clue you in whatsoever. But that's where most of my information comes from...watching other people's responses to my behavior. There's also just a general inventory of the number and types of people you find yourself relating with, or feeling "safe" with.


Booze is not good for emotional or psychological growth of any kind. Especially as we get older and our serotonin systems start slowing down. You can get support to help you do that even in Britain. Plenty of good people in AA over there. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking...not a "strong" desire or an "honest" desire, just a simple desire. If you go to what's called an "open" AA meeting, you should fit in rather well. It's one network of people that is nearly global and always good for the kind of support you are seeking.


A strong indicator for adult chronic depression is childhood trauma. Not being able to recall major parts of your childhood makes the diagnosis of childhood trauma very likely. Narcissism and self centeredness are also indicators that point in that general direction.


Like I believe I've mentioned, paul four seven five at witty dot com is my email address...we can forego the middle-man here and just talk directly and privately about ourselves. I think we might be able to help each other. I know there's a real estate auction this coming Tuesday that would be nice to flip some properties and get my head above water for a while.


What I've been doing, somewhat unsuccessfully, is spreading myself very thin. I keep up with my job search agents online, try to keep up technically, investigate moneymaking opportunities when they appear, help other people with their computer problems, help other people with their recovery and/or emotional problems, and then go out and scout out the places I'd really like to work at and fill out an application. Or two.


What I think I need to do is simply commit to doing one thing full speed and that one thing would have to be efficient and effective at generating income. If that one thing is sales, fine. I haven't sold since I was in my 20's, but I did well for the two years I was involved in it. If I believe in the product/service, I can get people excited enough to close them.


A sociopath? Hmmm. Well, if you WERE a true sociopathic personality, you wouldn't have much of a conscience and you wouldn't feel much in the way of loneliness. Sociopathic tendencies are a possibility, but I'm not very fond of labelling people and watching them sink to my lowered expectations for their behavior. Much better to simply notice the behavior and observe where the blockages are.


So email me and let me hear about how you skin the cat, so to speak....


Mr. Greg

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Not sure where all that smoking info came from, but as you guessed, I am not presently a smoker, although I did do so at an earlier age.


I would have been the one with my own set of kin lurking in the cave up the hill hoping to get some more of the zebra, I love the red beef!!


Maybe a small chicken here or there, but oh yeah!! I used to be called Tiger when I was younger!! Maybe that is the reason I need the beef!!


Take Care Fletch and don't smoke too much, Mr Smoke too Much!!


I didn't know that the Brits were fat too, i thought it was just our dumb styule of living in the burbs that gets us addicted to the car instead of walking everywhere that makes us too Fat!!

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The smoking stuff came out of my head, maybe I smoke too much (joke – I'm really anti drugs)


Fat B'tards, yeah Brits rank number 2 in the world and if you follow my thread it's got little to do with Henry T.


Maybe I'll meet you in the corner of the cave some day!


I'm the idiot with the big P800!!!!


You take care too princess[/img]

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