How do you trust again?

[Mel27]

Hi there!

 

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since early February. However, a couple of weeks ago he admitted to me that at the end of March (about 7 weeks into our relationship) he had a one night stand when he went away to a wedding one weekend. I had suspected this may have been the case when unfortunately one day I went snooping and discovered some emails from this girl and a photo of her. Although these emails didn't actually say they had slept together it eluded to that fact. Anyway, after months of asking him about it and him denying it he finally told me the truth a couple of weeks ago. He said it didn't mean anything and that he was very drunk and had taken ecstasy too. He also said that at that stage he was unsure of whether or not we would have a long term relationship. However, since then, he has developed a committed relationship with me and this is why he had lied to me about it - because he didn't want to lose me over what he says was a stupid mistake. I find it hard to believe he didn't know where our relationship was heading because in the first few weeks we were VERY full on and he had already met my family! The only way I can justify it is that maybe, in my mind, I was more "into it" than he was and he and I had both just come out of other relationships so he may have still felt in "single" mode whereas I didn't. This might be way deep down he was struggling settling into a monogamous relationship in the beginning.

 

Needless to say, I am very hurt and my self esteem has taken a dive. However, I love him and would very much like to believe it would never happen again (given that it happened early on in our relationship). Is it possible to forgive an act like this? I am 27 and he is nearly 38 so I thought he would know better being that little bit older. He keeps saying that he wouldn't do it again because he is committed to me now but can I really trust this? How do I know that if he goes away again without me and if alcohol and drugs are involved that he won't cheat on me again?

 

As I said, I really want to stay with him as I really do love him but I struggle with the awful visuals I get of him being with someone else and also struggle with whether or not he will do this again in the future.

 

You probably think this is pretty ridiculous because it happened at the beginning of our relationship a few months ago and we're not even married but it still hurts all the same.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm really confused about what I should do. And it would be great to get a guy's point of view.

 

Thanks heaps!

 

Mel

[enadevoli]

well, its good that he can admit that to you. its going to take awhile for you to be able to completley trust him again. even though its good that he admitted it, it doesn't make it right. he was wrong for cheating on you & i can understand that you are hurt by this. if you want to give him a chance, then follow your heart. however, you will never forget about what he did & he is going to have to earn your trust back & it will take time. if you feel like you will never be able to trust him again, then you should consider breaking up, trust is important.

[SunnyScott]

I would dump him!

 

Your time is too precious to be wasted! You are probably still young, and deserve better.

 

After all, you are NOT even married to this guy. During the 'courting phase', your boyfriend should be on his best behavior and earn your trust (and so should you). Dating is only a phase in which you test out partners to see if they truly love you, and if they are truly committed to just you.

 

If he can't do that, then what do you think is going to happen when the two of you were to marry later on? Is his excuse going to be, "oh honey, I got smashed at my bachler's party, and the stripper just gave me head...and nothing happened really..."

 

Are you going to buy into that? Or in the worst case scenario, since he is doing drugs (exctacy), do you think that he'll make an adequate father? Will he always be there to support you and your children?

 

Is he reliable? It doesn't sound like it. He's already betrayed your trust. The very root of a relationship is grounded on trust, and if he's already broken it, it is only bound to crumble someday.

 

I'm not saying that there's no hope, but I know that when you are in love, it's hard for you to see things b/c you are 'blinded' by your love for him.

 

You need to look at it from an outsider's point of view, and truly ask, "Do I want to be with this guy, Does he respect me, Does he love me unconditionally?"

 

You deserve respect, and should realize that your life is too precious to be wasted.