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Some good reasons for going NC


CrapAtNC
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CrapAtNC,

 

 

I think this was good post. The points were valid and very clear headed.

 

 

Now here is something I hope you all can understand. I am a realist. I came to this forum many years ago seeking answers about my breakup just like so many here. I searched and searched and found something called No Contact.

 

I learned from so many on this forum that they have had success with No Contact. I thought to myself, "I will do anything to get my ex back..so why not try it." So what did I do? I tried it. Here is where it gets a bit hard to swallow.

 

To those out there that believe that No Contact will bring your ex back...you are sadly mistaken. No contact when used properly ( BIG DIFFERENCE ) it will allow you to take a few steps back and re-evaluate your relationship, your love for one another and how equal was the realationship and the mistakes or qualities you need to work on in order to grow.

 

What I did not realize is that IT IS JUST NOT NC that brings an EX back!

Just because you miss an ex doesn't mean that they will come back and love you forever.

 

For instance:

 

You breakup, you go your separate ways and months go by. You get a phone call from your ex asking you out for coffee. Then we get a post say "It was just like old times." The laughter, the looks, the feelinging in your heart and head begin to swim with the idea of they are coming back.

 

You tell yourself, "Man this NC is perfect!" But in reality, what have you worked on? Time? Space? Did you learne anything?

 

If you do NOT use yoru time away to reflect and learn what went worng, it is destined to happen again.

 

The old expresson says: "We all learn from our mistakes." I could NOT agree more. If we have to give up being ourselves in order to be loved by someone else, who are we? We are not who we were designed to be.

 

Getting back together by using No Contact without learning from your past is doomed to repeat itself. Sure the feelings will come back in the beginninng, sure the hugs and kissed are incredible... but the secret is not getting them back...Its keeping them.

 

If your had a car that had a flat tire and you walked away from it for 6 months without changing the wheel...and you come back to the car; sur eyoru happy to see the car. Sure you have missed it but YA DIDN'T FIX IT!

 

The tire represents the issues you guys once had. So many people get back together and live the honeymoon stage again ....yet when it wears off...the real issues will come back to haunt you if you did not resolve them on the front end.

 

 

Even if you put in 100% it still does not guarantee they will come back or stay. Why? Because we have NO control over anyone but ourselves. You can have all the love you want and can give it away for free but if THEY DON'T have it to offer you....what have you gained?

 

No Contact allows the user to reflect and learn from the past. I want to be clear on something. I have used the word "mistakes" over and over. I am NOT exclaiming you did something wrong. I was merely using it for the "mistakes" your relationship had.

 

For example:

 

1. Communication

2. Never wanted to go anywhere

3. Would rather hang out with friends

4. jealousy

5. Anger issues

6. Quick to jump to conclusions

7. Never calls anymore

 

 

etc etc...the list could be endless.

 

 

For those out there hoping NC alone will bring them back...I wish you the best. It may bring them back...but if you have not done your reflecting and learning from your mistakes..,you will be almost destined to fail over again.

 

 

Something for you to think about?

 

 

What would would be worse? Not getting your ex back? or

 

Getting them back to only let them and yourself down over again because you didn't learn from the mistakes you made the first time?

 

 

I wish you all happiness

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

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SuperDave,

 

Excellent point. I got my ex back...When we got back, what we did not agree was that not ONLY I worked on, she worked on it too...

 

She did NOT. Hence, we are broken up now..

 

It takes two , it takes two TO WORK OUT issues. Not one sided...

 

Cheers

 

Eric

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Thanks for your reply.

 

The thing is I DON'T know. We had an argument and he went off, and now is ignoring me. I asked if we're over and he hasn't replied. I figured if he wants me he will contact me telling me, and until then I shouldn't bother right? I deserve to know either way...that's what's getting to me the most. This has happened before and we did get back together, but I can't keep taking it..I don't tolerate being ignored by someone that's meant to love me!! The only thing he did say to me is that he will see me later (whatever that really means) and told me "he's fine" and that he could have at least told me that, forgot how much I worry. That was it. No askign how I am, and ignoring my question about us..what is he playing at??

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I think the problem is with NC, is that most dumpees are in such a state of grief that it does have to be done, but the truth is, that they are also doing in vain hope to win an ex back. I've had many concerns since my break-up, and now, I find myself perplexed that she has never tried to contact me since NC........yet, I have broken it twice.

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So you all think NC will bring back an ex? Folks, if a person says you're not the right one, it's time to move on. I hate to break the news, but most breakups are irreversible and it's out of the 'dumpee's' hands. Staying away from an ex almost never brings him or her back, and there is no evidence that I've ever seen to suggest even in those rare cases of reconciliation that NC works better than simply going with the flow.

 

 

I second SB...You cannot get back EX with NC..Ever...

 

If the goal is to get EX back, you have to and must do NC to realize your mistakes, relationship issues, and whether you want her/him back!

 

Then DO LC, and if necessary ULTIMATUM..

 

Otherwise, good luck getting yourself back ONLY w/ NC

 

Cheers

 

Eric

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  • 2 months later...

Wow...I think there's some great stuff in this post. I'll add one thing. My ex has told me many times "You have to be my friend before you can be anything else." Not that we aren't friends now, I think she's telling me that I have to stop pushing her for affection now, and concentrate on the friendship that got us started in the first place. I think she's on the right track with that. I keep telling her that I need to fall out of love with her. I think I need to to that before I can be a good friend. And I also believe that out of friendship, love can be rekindled. I would love to fall in love with her all over again.

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Wow...I think there's some great stuff in this post. I'll add one thing. My ex has told me many times "You have to be my friend before you can be anything else." Not that we aren't friends now, I think she's telling me that I have to stop pushing her for affection now, and concentrate on the friendship that got us started in the first place. I think she's on the right track with that. I keep telling her that I need to fall out of love with her. I think I need to to that before I can be a good friend. And I also believe that out of friendship, love can be rekindled. I would love to fall in love with her all over again.

 

Be careful of the 'friend zone'; it's not somewhere you really want to be. When my exes have asked for that, it's ALWAYS been because they wanted to try someone else. ALWAYS.

 

Whatever the reason, I really believe you're better standing up for yourself and going NC. That's the consequence she needs to realise for breaking up with you. You're too good to accept anything else.

 

Best of luck, whatever you do, mate.

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For those who are negative about NC-

 

I don't want my ex back...NC has been the best thing for me and I have stuck to it! No one is saying that you should go NC to get your ex back. They are saying that if you go NC with the intention of working on yourself, moving on, and getting yourself back to a good place you will have a better chance of finding the love that you want and deserve whether it is with your ex or someone else. There is a more of a chance that your ex will come back around than if you are begging and pleading. Whether or not we want to take them back is another thing. It greatly depends on the situation! If your ex was a boozer that beat you, cheated, and lied...I would say not taking him or her back is the best thing! But sometimes people break up because it is bad timing or something...so why not give it another try should it come to that point? xx

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I agree crapatnc....the friendzone thing is not a great place to be. My ex wanted it....I said noway. especailly when she said she would let me lead the interaction and I get to decide how much we hang out.....ooohhh that sounds like fun. Let me hold on to something and do all the work..thanks but no thanks. I have gone back to NC and happy for my choice. She knows that if she comes into my life it is for something other than a friendship. YOU can't have it both ways..you need to let them miss you, they made the choice to get you out of their life but ending the relationship. I think that is a clear message ...so give it to them!

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Be careful of the 'friend zone'; it's not somewhere you really want to be. When my exes have asked for that, it's ALWAYS been because they wanted to try someone else. ALWAYS.

 

Whatever the reason, I really believe you're better standing up for yourself and going NC. That's the consequence she needs to realise for breaking up with you. You're too good to accept anything else.

 

Best of luck, whatever you do, mate.

 

Oh, I'm going NC. I meant it in terms of "When (if?) we start communicating again, we have to start out as friends, not assuming we're going to be lovers just because we have a past together." She's already trying out someone else. I believe he'll tire of her (unless she decides to make some changes) or vice versa in a fairly short time. Even if she said then "Let's get back together", I think I'd say "Sure...but you have work to do, and we're getting back together as friends first, and we'll see if we rediscover our love."

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thanks so much,

i just wonder if its too late.

i fought so hard for so long for him, and he just * * * * on it.

and i blew my 1.5 months of NC when i texted him happy easter...did i blow it?

also does this mean removing any photos of us or any refernce to him on myspace?

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Having come through the experience you're going through, I can say with all certainty that

 

(1) You haven't blown anything - just keep moving on (read my OP a few times; I hope it helps you see why you should)

 

(2) It's never too late to do anything - I can guarantee that with my first ever serious gf, I was the WUSS OF THE CENTURY and did just about everything that could be done wrong, very emotionally, and very publicly, and yet, still, when I'd finally moved on and actually stopped thinking about her, she wanted to come visit me (in a foreign country). It's never too late to improve your game plan ... and yourself.

 

(3) Definitely remove the pictures. Without a doubt. You'll be amazed how good it feels to get rid of all that clutter. Do it!

 

I'm rooting for yer!

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Wow, I just read your original post. There is some REALLY great stuff in there. Thanks for the time you obviously spent posting all those WONDERFUL and very helpful points.

 

I am unable to do full NC as I work with my ex. But in the last 7 months I initiated ONE phone call and it was just to do him a favor and save him a ride into the city, based on some information I had obtained. The only reason I did it was because my girlfriend egged me on. My ex did call and thanked me for it, a couple days later. He is a nice person, he truly is but I even regret making this one call. I know that's dumb, it was back in January and I'm sure he's even forgotten about it. Eh, it's water under the bridge.

 

The last contact was he sent me an email while I was on vacation earlier this month saying "Lucky you! We'll miss ya at rehearsal. Have a safe trip back..." I did not reply.

 

I have responded to his advances in the past and we did the post break up hang thing, which led to nothing. Unfortunately the fact that he gets to see me about once a week does not let him miss me and wonder about me, what I am doing, how I look, what he missed. But that's life so I'll do NC in the very best way I can, which is:

 

I do not initiate contact.

I respond to his contact with a brief, friendly, light response.

I talk to him in a professional, yet friendly manner about business matters (because this is a musical situation, not a corporate office which makes it a much more casual environment).

I do not flirt nor try to get him to notice me.

When he flirts with me I do not respond.

When he compliments me on how I look (which he does every time we have a performance) I thank him but I do not return the compliment.

I do my best to not give him any special attention nor look at him a lot (difficult!).

I treat him as I would any other work colleague but I do not go out of my way to speak with him nor share anything about my life with him.

 

Does this sound right?

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I know, I love your name by the way.

 

Yes, I've tried dating others. No luck so far. Even went on a dinner date with my ex-ex last night. Just as an aside, my ex has witnessed two different guys who are 15 years younger being interested in and flirting with me....

 

Yes, I am FUN. Even when I don't feel like having fun, I force myself to act as if I'm having fun (this is a challenge when he's around but the more I do it, the easier it becomes.)

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