Time and space for him..I'm stuck

[nycpetit]

HI, I am new to this board. My ex (who was my fiance) got a job offer two hours away and we both decided it was best for him to go..so he did . I stayed in our apartment...it didn't make sense for me to go...this was two months ago that the decision was made..he left a month ago. So in the month from the decision until he left...we had a huge fight because he had been back and forth on me going with him..but also back and forth on our relationship for some time. I had begun to feel it was hypocritical to be wearing the engagement ring (which was a fake one..he had major money problems throughout our relationship, and there was a ring on hold in a diamond district since January that he was not putting money on save for twice) because he was so back and forth.

 

We had some fights..more of it seemed like bickering..we lived together, have been faced with major things during our almost two years together..him three different jobs and a lot of debt, me an illness and graduation from school and what to do next...both with plans to move (actually to a place much like where he is living now..quiet and out of Manhattan)..but financially and/or jobwise it just never seemed like we were planning together.

 

Back to the month before he left, we had a big fight...and yet..he stayed here for the month before he left...actually I don't think he really wanted to though...I think he felt wrong doing so even though we had sex, went out to eat..went to the beach together, he talked of future plans and coming back a lot..would get mad at me if I would point out that likely we were not going to see one another much with the distance separating us...a two hour drive for him..or train ride for me. He ssid that it was crazy for me to think that he wouldn't be back all the time. But I sensed in that month that our fight had pushed his doubts to a point that when he was gone..maybe he would never really come back...however..he didn't act that way towards me in any real way..he called me all the time during the day just to say "i love you" and we cooked together at night ..talked things through.

 

Well, he left Sept. 5th and took mostly just clothes. In the next two weeks, he was to have come "home" (as he put it) on three occasions..and at the last minute never did. I know he wanted to talk and email everyday...but I soon started to realize that may have been more out of guilt on his part..because sometimes he didn't...usually he did though...but more oddly...he was mad at me on the phone..saying his life had been hard with money and work...we had fought too much...that he needed space..I am not allowed to come out there to see him because he isn't ready to introduce me to his life out there. That was the first I had heard of it.and it was only three days into his arrival out there.

 

By the second weekend I told him I needed the same respect as him to come and get his things...he didn't have my stuff all around him..and so it was unfair for me to be living here with these constant reminders. He got really angry but came back that following Saturday...sobbed his eyes out..said it was hard because sometimes he wanted to just drive back to see me. I couldn't understand the drama...when he left..we were still together...just obviously not going to be able to see one another as much. He was only here for a couple of hours...and then left...as soon as he was gone..he was back to the self-preservation mode of no terms of endearment and no words of love. In person of course that had slipped away...he was talking about how he knew he would definitely want to spend time with me later...just needed time to get over the bitterness and get himself together.

 

However..it has now been a month. I got tired of calling him and only lightly asking if he might be back on a given weekend (because he would have already put that possibility out there) to have him get mad at me and shout about the relationship..that I am pushing him..that he feels time will bring him back to me. He called a few times to "check up on me and see how I am doing." Those I don't usually respond to. I mean..it's like I have to break the ties completely because it doesn't seem that he will. When I told him last week that I needed him to send back some pictures he took (he wanted tons of pics of us and took a lot) and some books he took..he got mad at me and said I wasn't giving him time or space. But here he was the one who wanted to talk and email all the time..well, that might have been fine ..but after a month here before going..after he left he became so mad about everything.

 

Now sometimes he will send me a one line email...like that it is getting cold and had to turn on the heat in his house. I sent him a card for his 30th bday for this coming Sunday.I debated for a long time..but decided it seemed unfair to let it go unnoticed. His voice just has this coldness to it...then when he came back here to get stuff two weeks ago..he was a blithering idiot in tears and saying that if he spent time with me too much now that he would question his decision to be out where he is, lose his focus and not be able then to get his bills and life in order.

 

So, what am I supposed to do? He has some pictures and books that i would like back. I got stuck with our full rent (his expenses out there are far less..I did that to help him..not realizing he was really kind of leaving) and he still has stuff here..regardless he will have to come here one day..even if it just at the end of our lease in Feb to get his tv, vcr, dvd, air co, microwave, stereo, rest of his clothes. If I ask to move on...say I am..he whines likes a hurt dog...says he will mail my stuff back and then doesn't....he doesn't call or email with any regularity but does do both sometimes....Keeps maintaining he needs time and space...and just wants to be alone..to focus and drown in work...so then why did he propose and semi-follow through with phone convos everyday since leaving???

 

I miss him terribly..still being in our home..it is so hard to let go..and I didn't know that maybe I was supposed to. What is this type of "time and space" he is talking about..to still talk...that he will definitely want to see me he just doesn't know when..and thinks that time will bring him back to me. When he came back two weeks ago he was talking about taking a vacation together later..I was almost tempted to get us tickets to go somewhere for Thanksgiving since if we were to reconnect or talk somewhere..it would have to be somewhere away from this apartment.

 

It just seems too convenient that he was able to "run" and separate himself from here..while I am stuck in our home..and he doesn't let me know when he is coming back...

 

do I do something to get closure? I joined an online dating thing to try and get out..just to date..it happens to be the one on which we met..so I wonder if he will see it..and use that as a decision to end things completely..on one had he says that I am my own free agent to do as I please..on the other hand he says that he doesn't want to talk or think about us dating other people.

 

What do I do? I feel like if I have moved on to date other people..he should know..since we never officially broke up.....arg..confused

 

Natalie

[DoorMouse]

This is kind of a tough one. You two now share separate spaces, he's lacking in the emotional department, and only seems to put on a show for you when he's at the home that the two of you shared. I'm assuming he's puting on that act to avoid confrentation while he's getting his stuff. He's probably thinking easy in, easy out, no fights and I can go home. What it looks like to me is he's already started to see someone else where he's at now. I wouldn't advise you to get any preplanned tickets or things like that to share with him, he'll probably find some "Last minute" thing to come up where that would leave you standing alone with no date. Prove to him as well as yourself that you're a strong enough woman to move on, and you deserve better than a cubic zerconia in your ring. If he sees you have a personal ad up, No biggie, that just shows him you're tired of being his yo-yo and you're ready to experience nice things. Hun, cherish the good times, try and forget the bad times, and find someone that can be open and honest with you no matter what.

[nycpetit]

find that so hard to believe...really, that he is seeing someone else. It has never been his style in the past or with me. But man, it would make it easier if I knew..then I wouldn't feel any need to find closure. What i can't understand is why he won't send my stuff back. Since I can't go there to get it..it just doesn't make sense.

 

The reason I don't think he is seeing someone else is because he works six days a week until eight pm...started the first day out there...starts the day at five am. And then he goes to the gym. I just don't think that would be the case. I wish I could ask him flat out...

 

I do want my stuff back though..I just don't know how to go about getting it.when i ask him to send it he gets mad and says I am not giving him time..that is what doesn't make sense. He won't let go and he won't hang on.

 

Natalie