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Does leaving for the other woman EVER work out?


atomicglow

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OK -- first post, so please go easy on me...I'm in bad shape and need advice. Sorry its so long...

 

I am definitely struggling with the most difficult decision of my life and the most overwhelming feelings I have ever experienced in my 37 years of existence. So far this site has been really helpful.

 

By way of background: I have been with my wife for 7 years total -- married for a bit less than 2. She is in her early 30's, I am 37. We are both very successful professionals in our own careers and have no children (more on that later).

 

When we first met in grad school, many of my friends simply did not see the connection. We were basically polar opposites. Me being extremely outgoing and gregarious, while she was very introverted and studious. But for some reason it worked really well. We balanced each other out very nicely. The first 1-2 years was like any new relationship -- exciting, passionate, full of hope, etc.

 

After grad school we moved in together and embarked on building a life together. The next 2 years were wonderful, except for one major glitch -- her parents hated me. Never really understood why -- she is an only child and they were very immeshed as a family having lived all over the world. Guess they just assumed no one would be good enough. I was always worried that this extremely close -- almost overly dependant -- relationship with her parents could cause extreme problems later on.

 

I asked her to marry me and we were blissfully engaged for 6 months -- then her father fell extremely ill and died unexpectedly 3 weeks later. The shocking part is that he died of AIDS -- a secret he had kept from his wife and daughter for 6 years. This obviously devastated my wife and her mother. The reaction was so dramatic that the she changed as a person to her very core and has never quite recovered. This was 3.5 years ago. At that point I explored the possibility of seperating from her so that she could pick up the pieces with her Mom and not have to worry about me. Simply stated, leaving her was not an option -- that would have only added to the devastation.

 

Our relationship did continue to grow on the wreckage of her fathers death. They say that some couples can grow closer in times of crisis -- and i guess that's what happened with us. We had all the struggles and strife that comes with the death of a parent and we got through it together. The bad part? Our sex life stopped. it had been dwindling a bit before his death -- but completely stopped afterwards. We did not have sex for the 12 months after his death. She put on a tremendous amount of weight (over 50 pounds) and became a very jaded, guarded individual. But I stuck with her.

 

18 months later we were married. I was happy, we were a team. We were both very successful, fairly well off, and our sex life had picked up to once every couple of months...

 

6 months into my marriage (15 moths ago) I got hit with a lightning bolt. I met the most amazing, beautiful, caring (and a bit crazy) woman. we worked together, she noticed me -- developed a bit of a crush on me and finally approached me. We hit it off as friends immediately. We talked of nothing deep. Just goofy stuff, music, etc. But it quickly became obvious there was an attraction. She was married but in the process of ending it. She knew I was married. Within a couple of weeks it was a full blown affair. We were literally inseperable. We spent almost every day after work together. At first I tried to avoid weekends in an effort to avoid raising suspicion, but eventually I started spending weekend days with her and making up business trips to spend the night.

 

It was wonderful for a while. She left her marriage and got her own apartment. We professed our love for each other. She wanted me to leave my marriage, but I told her I wanted to wait 2 years (my wife is a foreigner and needs the 2 years to keep her green card.) She was OK with it for a while, but eventually started to really pressure me...

 

We struggled on and off over the course of the last 15 months. The only problem in the relationship being that I was married. As bad as it was to be having an affair, I was hesitant to leave the marraige.

 

A few months ago. I decided to end the affair. I never told my wife. I found an amazing new job in another city and we embarked on the journey to start a family. I've been in my new job to 2 months, my wife will move out here next week.

 

2 things have occurred -- my wife and I have just found out that we have less than a 5% chance of having children together (egg donor is the only solution)...this has devastated me.

 

Secondly, I have realized since moving out here, just how deeply i feel for the OW. Let me be clear -- she is amazing. We had a really bad split -- she has moved on, is dating someone else and has forgiven me. My problem is that I want to spend my life with her....I'm not sure if she would take me back, but i think there is a possibility -- only if I leave my marriage first....obviously a huge risk.

 

 

So there you have it -- now what? Does leaving for the OW ever work out? my wife would be absolutely devastated, but is young enough to recover....And i feel like I deserve a shot at happiness and a healthier s*x life...

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The world works in a funny way and some where along the lines when you have done something that is wrong I guess would be the term it catches up with you. Everything is a chance and only you can make the right choice for you. You may leave your wife for the OW and have her break-up with you in a week or two, or never at all. What's more improtant to you. Trying with this other woman facing the fact you might be alone until you meet someone else or staying with someone you clearly love but are not In love with.

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Hi there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I have to say that I do not believe in cheating, in any form, for any reason. I can understand your situation to an extent but I really do not sympathize nor can I see it justified.

 

Most statistics show there is less than a 5% chance of a relationship born out of an affair will survive. For a couple of reasons. One reason is, the entire relationship is built on lies, deceit and pretense. How are any of these components healthy and helpful for a good and strong relationship? Second reason they do not work, the entire relationship is based on fantasy, lust, and infactuation. There is no reality in your arrangement, just enchantment and a facade of whom you think the other person is. Your marriage at the moment has a lot of reality in it, the death of your wife's father, intimacy issues, bills, mortgage, career. With no reality or hardship in a relationship (such as with your lover) OF COURSE it is going to look all fine and dandy. You really do not KNOW this other woman, no matter how much you think you know her.

 

You do know she is capable of lying and cheating on her husband as well as you with your wife. You do not know her on a more day-to-day, mundane level, you know her on a lust and infacutation level. The act of cheating to me is cowardly and the worst type of betrayal a person can do another human being. Instead of getting counseling, doing everything you can to preserve your marriage, or even divorcing, you sneaked around.

 

I am sorry, I do not see this working out. Reality will hit eventually and this whole thing will come and bite you in the rear-end. Like I always say, if the person can do it (cheat) with you, he/she can do it to you.

 

Good luck.

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Sometimes affairs do turn into solid marriages, but from what you've described, that window of opportunity has closed, possibly increasing this sense of longing.

 

If your marriage is unbearable, humanely divorce your wife, live alone and look for someone suitable. The OW isn't the Only Woman.

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I think Dako is onto something....it is probably the increased sense of longing v. true love -- but I'm so caught up in "the fog" that it is difficult to serparate the 2.....definitely going through "relationship withdrawal" as well....I probably need to cut her off to heal and assess the marriage on its own, but its so darn hard to do....

 

The OW has definitely given me a clean break opportunity. She still cares deeply for me, but has moved on. Could we reconcile, yes....would it end in happiness -- I don't know -- I think so -- but to kellbell's point, we've never been truly tested....

 

Not to bring up another subject -- but if I have a good core relationship built with my wife -- how do i get over the fact that I'm not the least bit attracted to her anymore?

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Not to bring up another subject -- but if I have a good core relationship built with my wife -- how do i get over the fact that I'm not the least bit attracted to her anymore?

 

If you have been attracted to her before, then there is a good chance to bring that spark back. It takes WORK. Not taking the easy way out and going off and cheating. Does your wife have any idea about how you feel, the trouble in your relationship? If not, it is time to COMMUNICATE! If she is willing to go to marriage therapy, a sex therapist. Great. If not, you have your answer. It takes two people to make it work.

 

Use that great core relationship you have with your wife, talk to her, tell how you feel and get some counseling.

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Would you be able to attend couple therapy with her? Thing is you need to fall back in with your wife...meaning see her how you did. For the sexy woman you fell in love with. Outside help can help you do that I think. I think you should let this OW go and concentrate on having the best marriage you can by whatever means you need to.

 

oops kellbell your to quick....lol

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When really testing times occur, that is when a marriage is revealed as a true marriage or a mesalliance.

 

When your wife went through a traumatic time you chose to go elsewhere. It was your choice to go outside your marriage instead of keeping faith with the woman to whom you had sworn your vows.

 

You have chosen to end this marriage. You have taken that decision unilaterally. You either divorce your wife humanely, as Dako suggested, or you decide to live with this secret and stay with your wife. But lies kill relationships in the end, especially this kind of lie.

 

IMHO, you have answered your own question. Your marriage is over. Do the decent thing and inform your marriage partner of that fact.

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...is uncannily a mirror of mine. Even down to the description of the personality types of the two women involved. The OW being crazy, extrovert and exciting and the wife being introverted, steady, loving and kind.

 

I made the same decision 2 and a half weeks ago to end the affair (about the 4th attempt), and we havnt spoken or communicated during that time. Shes now on holiday so it will end up being longer. I'm facing the same demons as you are. Have I left the wrong person? What could have been with 'her'?

 

I have been married for 10 yrs, together 15. Its more complicated in that I have children. My affair was with a work mate and lasted nearly 2 years on and off. She filled a void that I felt had been missing and it had.

 

When I ended the affair I felt an immense relief. I actually thought for a few days that I had got off scott free without any emotional fallout. Then the feelings started to haunt me. I have to see her at work which doesnt help. Its like a knife goes through my stomach every time I hear her name or see her around the office. It leaves me disturbed for about an hour or so. Then I seem to shake it off. Fortunately I've not had to hear about her 'moving on' yet so that's to come and I dont know how I will deal with that either come the time.

 

No matter how much I miss her though the decision feels right. I wont go back into an affair. I have learnt my lesson there. There is so much wasted time, so much suffering for everyone involved. I cant say what will happen in the future but if I eventually find I cant live without the OW I will find another way of dealing with it maybe.

 

What I did do over the last week or so, is focus on working on my marriage. We have had some amazing times together. I might add that my wife discover the affair several months ago and is finally coming out of her depression. I have felt things for her that I didnt think possible again. This has started to reinforce my decision and I'm sure I have done the right thing.

 

This OW of yours may well have been an ideal partner, except for one blaring fault. You know whats shes capable of doing. Maybe she wouldnt do that to you. Maybe she would. You cant possible know one way or the other and because of that it will always be on your mind. When she goes out, when shes around other men.

 

I think you have made the right decision as have I. You need to stay strong with it and dont look back. Live in the now and dont dwell on past memories. You might not believe this but you can mould your relationship with you wife into anything you want. It can be far, far better than anything you had with the OW. It will take some effort. I know people dont like that word concerning relationships. Should it take effort? Maybe not in the 2 - 3yr honey moon period but after that yes.

 

I dont regret my affair. That might sound bad to some but I dont. I have learnt a great deal from it. I will actually see the warning signs in future and be able to stear clear. I also realise now that love is a conscious choice in some respects. Try doing this excercise:

 

Imagine some new guy has met and been around your wife for some time and has fallen for her. What does he see in her. What compliments would he pay her to win her over. Try and see uyour wife through his eyes. Really imagine this. Now.. while you still have the chance, make sure 'you' tell her these things before 'he' does.

 

Stay strong with your decision. You know its the right one.

 

Sorry this got long..

 

Good luck!

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When really testing times occur, that is when a marriage is revealed as a true marriage or a mesalliance.

 

When your wife went through a traumatic time you chose to go elsewhere. It was your choice to go outside your marriage instead of keeping faith with the woman to whom you had sworn your vows.

 

You have chosen to end this marriage. You have taken that decision unilaterally. You either divorce your wife humanely, as Dako suggested, or you decide to live with this secret and stay with your wife. But lies kill relationships in the end, especially this kind of lie.

 

IMHO, you have answered your own question. Your marriage is over. Do the decent thing and inform your marriage partner of that fact.

 

I agree with Cimmie and Dako. If you don't feel attracted to your wife anymore, it's unfair to keep her hanging round when she could be with another man who loves her, is passionate about her, in the same way that you are to your other woman. You can't keep her as your comfort banket, it would just be too painful for you, the guilt would really destroy your rels in the long run. You're feeling bad enough.

 

Maybe it's time to have a clean break and start over, with someone new.

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Cimmie and Dako are right on. I will also add that this... your description of this woman being "a bit crazy" and phaedrus' description of his affair partner being "crazy, extrovert and exciting" is very telling. It is the same kind of euphemism as being called "free-spirited"...the truth of the matter is it all means IRRESPONSIBLE. I wonder how wild and crazy and fun loving these women would be if they found out that their father died of AIDS...and all the implications of that regarding a secret life....I wonder who wild and crazy these women are when they have the stomach flu, or menstrual cramps, or had a fight with their boss, or have a parent who is ill etc. If I had the choice of being with someone wild and crazy...or being with someone who has both feet on the ground....I would choose the latter. But, the fact that you embarked on this affair shows that you are not responsible either. Your wife deserves someone who will care for her, love her and be there for her during the tough times...not just out of a sense of duty, but out of really wanting to be there.

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kharma's a * * * * *, eh?

 

As bad as your marriage was, it didn't improve things to cheat with a woman willing to blow through your marriage as she was hers.

 

She easily moved on. That should indicate to you that what you did was mainly a reaction to not getting any affection. You are confusing that boost as a love worthy of pursuing even though the object of your affection has clearly moved on.

 

You should do so likewise.

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Thanks for everyones responses...Phaedrus -- I feel your pain....

 

Here is an update:

 

It got so bad last week that I found a therapist and started emergency sessions. I also spilled my guts to my twin sister finally. the hardest part has been telling no one for the last 15 months -- it is literally eating me alive...

 

I have had 2 therapy sessions and a 3rd is scheduled for tomm. My sister brought me relief as well....twins sense this kinda stuff and she has been very empathetic.

 

I had a wonderful Friday night with my wife -- getting back into her, etc. Then the OW texts me at midnight (she's up at her parents lake house on vacation) -- she hasnt texted me on a weekend in 2 months because shes with her new boyfriend constantly...

 

I go nuts -- we text for 2.5 hours -- I tell her i'm going nuts over her -- she's telling me i havent lost her, there's hope, etc....I go to bed ecstatic (stupid I know...)

 

Saturday -- i dont hear from her all day. So in the evening i send her a text to see whats up. basically, she was drunk on friday and prob bored. on top of that she's cutting her vacation with her parents short so she can get home to him...

 

this sends me over the deep end....i honestly thought i was going to have a breakdown....I dig up some anti anxiety meds my wife had from her fathers death and get some old ADD medications I had from years ago and just start popping pills......definitely helped a bit....added in some St Johns Wart yesterday....

 

So now, I'm all numbed up on meds and she's emailing me like we're buddies etc....I email her this AM and offically cut it off....she goes nuts -- sends me emails all day not to ignore her,etc.....I wish i had the stregnth not to reply, but i did -- and just told her to leave me alone to heal....we'll see what tomorrow brings....at least I have the therapist appt....

 

I honestly know what a drug addict feels like now.....there is such a loss of control....

 

i'll keep ya posted.....

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Hi Atomic.. I can really appreciate what your going through and how this weekend will have messed you up.

 

Its really good that your starting to talk to people though. Going through it alone will only make it harder. Come here and vent, continue with your therapist and talk with your sister. It will all help.

 

I'm no therapist myself but I can tell you something that's helping me. I actually sat down and worked out what options I actually had. Turns out there are four.

 

1) Leave my wife for the OW.

2) Leave OW and stay with my wife

3) Leave both to be on my own.

4) Continue to cheat on them both.

 

I made a silent promise to myself that I wouldnt do 4 anymore. Thats the least favourable option. Option 4 hurts everyone and could go on for some time and in the end you'd still have to choose between options 1 - 3.

 

I stayed in that limbo for a long time waiting. Waiting for some magic thing to happen that would make me be able to choose one way or the other. It never came, it never comes. You see the good in both and you see the bad. Always sat on the fence waiting for one of them to do something to win you over.

 

So then, option 4 wasnt an option anymore. I had a year to choose and still never did. So that being the case, it came down to what I simply could or couldnt do. Could I leave my wife? No. That just leaves me with option 2). I do this check everytime I think about the OW. If the answer is no, like it has been, then I just leave the issue till the next time it comes around. Its not easy I admit but it gets you from one moment to the next.

 

If on the other hand you can leave your wife and you know its right then I cant see a problem with that. Move on by yourself or with this OW. If you did that then you'd need to leave your wife because of her merits though, not this other womans merits. Concider that in a year, it might have not worked out, you'll could be on your own, your wife could have moved on and have her own guy. Can you stomach that?

 

I think you have already made the choice. If you were 100% sure of this OW and not about your wife then you would have left to be with her already. Be strong now. If you feel week, - talk. Come here. Go to your therapist or talk with your sister.

 

PS

 

My OW is away this week on holiday so I dont see her at work lucky enough. But, on Monday morning when I came to work she had left me a book on my chair called 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'. Thats the only contact in about 2 weeks. She beliefs that I should leave my wife and I'm just too scared to do it. Its either a dig or she genuinly believes it might help her cause.

 

To be honest I think its more of a case of not knowing the path to choose rather than fearing taking one or the other. You see. I was scared to leave the OW but I DID actually do it. She doesnt see it that way. She see's it as me choosing the easy option (staying with the wife and kids) and sacrificing my own happiness. Her thoughts not mine.

 

I see it as me being brave for leaving her, honouring my wife and children and putting in the effort to make it work rather than flitting to the next new relationship fix.

 

I could be wrong.. she might be right. But I will learn from it.

 

Keep posting mate...

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If you have decided that you want to make things work with your wife, I would cut off all contact with the OW. She should not have the power to contact you back or tell you that you should not ignore you. You owe her nothing. She has already "moved on", to be honest, she sounds extremely selfish, she should let go of you. And if you want to stay with your wife, you have to let go too. I mean it.

 

Delete all emails, numbers, block her - the works.

 

I say this because - you never really know a person until crisis time - and right now, it seems that the OW is acting very possessive over you, even though she has a bf. It's all about power, and she has a lot of you.

 

When you love someone, you give up your power freely, you don't grab it. Your wife has lost all her power for you. The OW has all the power. Is that love?

 

Also it is so unfair to stay with your wife when you have someone else in your thoughts. It's not always about you, you know. You have to consider her, how she is living in this lie between the both of you.

 

Sometimes it's better to make a decision based on the other person's needs, not on your needs. You'll always inherently be selfish in nature (not you! us humans in general), but the more you go on, the more you're hurting the people around you.

 

Good luck.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A friend of mine just brought up this topic to me earlier, so I got curious and thought I'd come here for a visit.

 

I've known of two cases where two married people fell in love (at work) and left their spouses for each other. In the first instance I was much younger so I felt rather judgemental about them. When the second instance happened I was much older and had already gone through a divorce (though not with any infidelity issues).

 

In both cases, the couples have been together for a very long time. The first couple I lost track of (friends of my ex) but the second one has been together for 8 years now and have been very happy together. In both cases, each person was in a 'dead' marriage but they didn't want to get divorced first.

 

In my case, I knew I was in a dead marriage but I wasn't comfortable getting into an affair so I ended the marriage. I can't say this is morally superior to getting into an affair because I do believe that sometimes people will meet the love of their lives when they are already married to someone else. I do think that once a person knows their marriage is dead, they need to address it. I've heard that when people have an affair they are trying to end their marriage, and that certainly makes sense. The question is how the current spouse becomes collateral damage.

 

After those two years are up it seems like you need to let your wife go so she can have a shot at healing and getting her own life back. Even if you don't get back with the OW, you'll have a better chance of meeting a great gal. I for one wouldn't find "married" an attractive feature in a prospective dating relationship, since it appears to be a dead end type of relationship.

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Here is my latest update:

 

I entered pshychotherapy over 3 weeks ago. I've had almost 10 sessions so far -- and it helps, but it is not a total solution. The therapist is focusing on root causes and ingrained fears -- not the relationships, which is appropriate. My sister continues to be my other outlet as she is willing to put up with my going on and on about the situation - and she is willing to give more insight as to her opinion of the situation.

 

The OW continues to be a constant torment. We have not cut off contact. Our constant emails have turned into lengthy phone calls. As soon as I got my head back on straight and tried to cut it off -- she turned on a dime and suddenly was interested in a possible reconciliation. She feels scared that she is making the wrong decision not to be with me -- but is not sure what to do. Being obsessed with the whole matter -- that's been enough to keep me completely immeshed in it.

 

I've been continuing to take the St Johns Wart which helps -- and excersise as much as possible -- which helps as well. Having recently relocated to a city where I know no one is the hardest part. My wife is only here on weekends, which gives me too much time to obsess. My plan is to continue with the psychotherapy and pursue the addition of a mild antidepressant to calm the impulses, sadness, etc...

 

I have come to some sort of clarity over the last 5 days while the 35 y.o. OW has been on vacation with her new 23 year old boyfriend and his family:

 

- we are not the solutions to each others problems right now -- we were the causes -- but certainly not the solution

 

-I am a 37 y.o. man who for 15 months of his 21 month marriage had an affair with a 35 y.o. co-worker (who now lives 1100 miles away, is going through her own divorce, and is facing DUI charges...) and who is now in a serious committed relationship with a 23 year old who lives accross the street from her -- the situation is completely ridiculous

 

-Neither one of us is in any position to be a good partner to the other right now -- or ever

 

-There are two things that I must absolutely face head on at this point: I completely devastated my marriage, and I am extremely afraid to be alone -- especially now that I'm in a new city.

 

-But the right thing to do is face the fears and hopefully grow as a result. I will ask my wife for a seperation this Friday, and not pursue a reconciliation with the OW. I will accept the fact that I screwed up and deal with the aloneness head on. Throw myself into work, join some local clubs, go home to see my family and friends more and just try and get my head on straight again. Oh and continue the psychotherapy, so when I do meet someone special I dont pull this cr*p again.

 

I'll keep ya posted....

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do you want to work it out with your wife? you might try marriage counseling too, just to be sure that there is nothing there to salvage.

 

this OW sounds like a mess, and that there is nothing there worth trying to save/build. sometimes these kind of obsessions are formed not based on fitting together in the right places, but instead in the WRONG places. that can be a powerful attraction, but not a healthy one, so you are definitely doing the right thing with counseling to find out what is going on, and might consider a few sessions of marriage counseling too to end the marriage with dignity, or realize you might want to save it.

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I agree with Cimmie and Dako. If you don't feel attracted to your wife anymore, it's unfair to keep her hanging round when she could be with another man who loves her, is passionate about her, in the same way that you are to your other woman. You can't keep her as your comfort banket, it would just be too painful for you, the guilt would really destroy your rels in the long run. You're feeling bad enough.

 

Maybe it's time to have a clean break and start over, with someone new.

 

 

Some people said that it is wrong to fell in love with somebody who is married or with a partner. I think at some point we all fear that our partner will meet somebody better, that's why when some people give advice people talk out of fear and resentment.

 

The fact is we can't choose who to fall in love or how much we love them, that's something that is up to the heart.

 

There is not a lonelier place that to be by the side of somebody that you love and doesn't love you anymore.

 

However instead of quiting I will suggest you to check what can be done to improve the relationship and maybe look for some professional advice. If nothing can be done anymore the best thing you can do for her is to leave her with respect and dignity without fake hopes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Am I glad I found this website!

I was in a similar position to the OP. Girl at work, a little bit crazy, free spirited showed me a lot of interest last Aug. I was in a relationship with my partner, we are both 34.

 

I really did fall for this girl at work, in a big way but I knew that there was something not right, she was a bit of a player, something I had never come accross in a woman before. She also had the gift of the gab, had affairs with two of her previous managers and as I believed was having an affair with her current manager (Spider sense tingling-I'm not usually wrong when that happens!)

 

I told her that I was not going to give up my partner for her as she was too flirtatious and ended it. A few weeks later the texts started again and things started t heat up again....we met after work a few times, but no physical contact....this was down to her more than me because she was trying to prove to me that she had changed, for me.

 

A few weeks later my partner found out through a friend about this woman and was devasted. I felt terrible and did all I can to sort out my current relationship....this other women did not come into my mind once.

 

We did manage to sort it out but now, once again I am getting really strong feelings for the OW. I know she has dated a couple fo more guys and I have heard a couple of rumours since about her that confirm my original suspicions about her cheating.

 

Myself and OW had terrible arguments in the meantime and things went pretty sour. I emailed her to say that I no longer wanted a relationship with her and although I never got a reply, she did all she could to make my life at work sheer hell.

 

I am now at this stage still and am finiding work difficult and my relationship with OW is virtually non existant. I do feel that I love her but I am so worried that she is a commitment phobe.

 

Help! What are other peoples opinions?

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I think it could possibly work out or it might not. I do however feel that if you are that interested in someone else your marriage isn't right. I had an interest in someone else while I was with my live-in boyfriend. I never cheated but the fact that I was so interested in another person told me that i wasn't with the right person to begin with. I think sometimes it's just the catalyst that gets you off your butt to get out of a relationship that you shouldn't be in. I never did get together with the guy I was interested in but I haven't regretted for a second that I broke up with my ex. Now I look back and wonder what took me so long to leave him.

 

I just say follow your heart and be true to yourself. I don't think anyone should stay in a marriage just to "make it work."

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OK -- here is the latest. I asked my wife for a trial seperation two weekends ago. She was obviously devastated and had a small panic attack. I did it in person on a Friday night so we had the rest of the weekend to discuss it and get to a better place emotionally before the new work week.

 

The key was that I did not do it for the OW -- who is not really a part of it anymore. She has moved on -- she has a boyfriend. Although we are in contact, I would need her current relationship to take its course or the whole viscious cycle will start again just with her playing the role I once did, etc...

 

My wife and I had very long deep talks and I think we've gotten to a really good place. Me being in one state for my job and her in another during the week may be helping....

 

That weekend we both put a lot of stuff on the table...a lot that had been bottled up for a long time. She's back this week and we start counselling this weekend.

 

In the meantime I am continuing with my psychotherapy 2x per week and a Dr. has put me on anti-depressants which seem to be helping a bit....

 

Although I don't want to be in a marriage that I need therapy and anti-depressants to stay in -- I think that this whole process will get me to a better place where I can make a clearer headed decision.....

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  • 10 years later...

26 years of marriage and 31 years together with 2 grown children. 2 weddings in past year and putting kids thru college let me to work 2 jobs which consumed much of my time, sitting at both jobs caused weight gain due to lack of exercise and my self-esteem was very low. Needless to say, i did not meet my husbands needs with sex and passion. He finally blew up at me 2.5 months ago which made me take a step back to re-evaluate my actions. I immediately adjusted my 2nd job duties and came bursting out of my shell sexually and as he said “became the perfect wife, but why now and not before ?” I cannot answer that but his frustrations that came to a head made me take a step back and realize that i needed to make changes. While he was home and enjoying this new wife i have become, he wanted time with friends too. I agreed as i didn’t want to be that wife that kept her husband under her thumb. Something wasn’t sitting well with me and i ended up catching him cheating. I went thru an array of all emotions that day. Now it all made sense, the past 2 months he kept telling me “i know in my heart, once of these days, i’ll be begging you to take me back and your going to tell me to f* off”. I didn’t understand as i wasn’t going anywhere. I liked the new person I had become, i had my life back. But he said it almost every week until he was caught. He told me he had feelings for her. Loved me and was trying desperately to fall back in love, but he had feelings already for her. He told my children that he didn’t plan on this happening with the OW, it was a booty call to start but feelings developed as she made him feel like man and young again. He works with her and she was recently divorced and their friendship blossomed. He said he ended it while i was “trying” but she kept coming at him and he finally said, i don’t want to lose the OW and he basically wanted his 1-2 nights with her and rest of week with me. She agreed not to call or text during the 5 days when he was home. Once i kicked him out, (I needed to keep some dignity in my mind), he had a few places to stay. Past weekend he stays at our vacation property and calls the kids telling them how much he misses me and asking them if i am wondering where he is and how torn he is down the middle. Misses and loves what he is about to lose, but has feelings for OW and how she makes him feel and Is afraid if he came back, i’d never trust him again and make his life hell. (i can’t believe she is on even playing ground with me – 31 years vs 3 months). My oldest tells him that I can understand how this happened and may be willing to work on this, but under one condition, this must end and quickly. He agreed but said, he was completely torn down middle. My oldest tells him that how can he see the new me when he was “clouded” by the OW who was still in picture. He was numb to my changes and never really gave me a chance. Now he claims he had no where to go, (had 5 options), but has chosen to spend nights and days with OW, plus seeing her at work. I’m status quo as of now as i don’t want to make haste decisions, but seeing an attorney this week. We live paycheck to paycheck so she’s definitely not in it for the money, he won’t have any. I can’t afford house on my own, so may lose the house and so much is now spiraling downward. I’m trying to get myself in a mental state where i can address all these issues forthcoming with a clear head. Family and friends who have seen this happen say that him staying with her is my “ace in the hole” as now it went from 1-2 nights to every night and day and this may expedite what happens. Either he realizes quickly or he stays and is happy with her. But now i’m no longer in limbo and also no longer being made a fool out of. I have appt this week to get checked for STD’s as i found out this weekend, she was married 2x and anyone who aggressively chases after a married man after he broke it off is not actually a righteous woman. Not blaming her fully as it takes 2, but i need to take care of myself. My question, how long should i wait ? I have a real issue being 2nd choice at this point, but he would of been home “trying to get his head clear” until i caught him. I did force him into her arms full-time, but I also have self-respect and didn’t want to continue being my new found inner-self and loving wife/woman and yet he was with her on his boys night out. I’m told let this affair ride out. This is his 1st time cheating and he’s a very emotional and loving man who loved his family dearly. Its not like he cheated before. He claimed he was unhappy for 20 years but my oldest called him out on that BS – told him 5 months ago he was doing this and doing that and thats BS, you flirted, you felt good and you took it to the next step and you picked up feelings you didn’t plan on. He started to sob and said “your right, i’m a piece of crap and screwed up horribly”. He’s not coming to me asking to come back. I won’t ask him to end this as if it has to come from me, i’ll never know if he did it on his own. Normally if i was younger, i’d be moving on without thinking twice, but 31 years is a long time commitment and i just don’t know what to do. Do i give this time ? if so, how long ? I’m not getting any younger and will start taking care of what needs to be done before my credit score tanks to below my weight due to the inability to pay the bills. I’m not angry, i’m not bitter, when we do talk, its civil. BUT i won’t beg for him to come back. I won’t wait long, but just don’t know how long to ride this one out. Some say its Mid-life crisis (he’s 50 next month). I say it was a lull in marriage and he found excitement and i goofed up his head by making the changes that made me the perfect wife and he was then torn as he saw what i was willing to do. He even told the kids that… “i expected Mom to say she hated me but instead she became the person i wanted to have he become for a long time and that is what is making this so hard”. He teared up the past 2 months saying the thought of any man having me as the new woman i’ve becoming is upsetting and bothers him. Again, i didn’t think much of it as i had no intentions of going anywhere. Now i know why. He knew sooner or later he would be caught and my reaction would be “get out” He was right. He works with this OW and has stated to me recently it would be tough to end as he has feelings and even if he did want to end it, he sees her every day (can't avoid due to job duties). She has a hold on him and he is allowing it. Not easy as if she worked elsewhere..no matter what they will see each other 24/7 now. Any advice or suggestions would be truly appreciated from those who know best as my head is currently clouded. I don’t know what to do. How long do I wait, do i wait ? Will he come to senses ? Or, do i get this life picked up, wipe the dirt off my face and get out there once i’m in a good place and meet someone who will enjoy the new me that now made time to my act together, lose 30 lbs and now understands to never let life get boring. HELP…..and thank you for any advice. Sorry for the long rant.

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