18 years diff.

[Sassygurl595]

I am confused about dating older men. I feel that I would have so much in common with them and I am so isolated from the community.

[SwingFox]

Sassy,

 

Good posting! You are very clear on what you ask. I live by the rule that the only obligation YOU have in life is for YOU being happy. If YOU are not being happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy. That is human nature!

 

However, I am not too sure about getting involved with a man, being 18 years senior than you. This man must have seen a lot of the world and has a lot of life experience, where you just came about. College is not exactly a copy of what is going on the real world and I am telling you that from experience. I do know that women mature so much faster than man, but I fear you will end up being hurt, because of the different needs you have.

 

My advice is to take this VERY slow. Be his friend and keep talking to him. You need to find out as soon as possible what you really expect out of a relation with him and what YOUR needs will be. I do not have a clear vision in which a young woman ( 20 ) can be on an equal basis as an older man ( 38 ) and THAT is what a relation is all about: respect each other and teaming up with each other. I do not say that it would not work, because it might work in the end. But, please be careful and think before you act. Remember that if you'd like to have children in a year or two, your child will be around 10 years old, with a 50-yr old father.

 

Good luck!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[chakka]

I would never presume to know what's good for you or anyone else but me, so please don't change your mind because of me.

 

However, at least think about the possilbe problems:

 

1. As swingfox mentioned, a future of marriage and kids with this guy might be a problem.

Keep in mind that women reach their sexual peak at 30 and men reach it at 18. How will you feel when you are in your 30's, at your sexual peak, and he is a senior citizen?

 

2. I am always suspicious of men who want very young girls.

I am sure you are great and deserving of love and admiration so please don't take this peronsonally.

But if this guy does become interested in you, I would wonder, why does he prefer someone so young?

Is it a midlife crisis thing? Will he get sick of you when you turn 30 and look for a new 20 yr old?

Is he so insecure that he can't be with a woman who is his equal in life experience?

 

 

Of course, if you are only looking for a short term thing, none of this matters.

And even if you want long term, only you can decide if this realtionship has that potential in spite of prolbems.

 

Good Luck

[jessr06]

Do you you want to do, and only what you want to do, dont think about anything else, of course hes gonna like a younger woman, your probably very attractive and as aaliyah said, age aint nothin but a number... you shoudl download that song... and really listen to the lyrics...

 

"Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number"

 

Age ain't nothing but a number, throwing down ain't nothing but a thang,

This something I have for you it'll never change

 

Here I am, and there you are, your eyes are calling me to your heart. All you gotta do is knock, I'll let you in,

And we will feel the passion that flows within.

I don't mean to be bold, but I gotta let you know,

I gotta thang for you and I can't let go

 

[chorus twice]

 

[2nd Verse]

Take my hand, and come with me,

let me show you to ectasy,

Boy be brave don't be afraid,

cause tonite we're gonna go all the way.

Don't mean to be bold, gotta let you know,

I gotta thang for you, and I can't let go my...

 

[Talking part

"So what's up, Here I am, reach...

Baby Come here...

Age ain't nothin' ohhh..ooh

I don't mean to be bold, but I gotta let you know,

Liyah's got a thang for and I can't let go...ooh my...

 

 

have fun, dont go through life saying "i should. or i could, i would have or if"

[Enigmatic]

I have a question...I am a 20 year old girl and I have recently graduated

from college. I want to get involved with a man who is 18 years my

senior...making him 38. I wanted to know if you think this sort of

relationship would be wrong, but I know what I feel and I really feel that I

am falling in love with him. Would a 38 year old ever feel the same towards

a 20 year old girl? I've always been a little timid and shy so I wanted

another person's opinion before I would openly ask him. Please give me some

advice. Thanks.

 

One thing I have learned through life is that age while being a "general"

indicator, more often than not doesn't relate to people. Anyone can say "young"

people are immature and inexperienced and "older" people are mature and have it

all together, but in truth you will find many examples of the reverse.

 

I know people who are far younger than me and yet they show a maturity beyond

their years... and I also know people who are older than myself who are

inexperienced, compeltely naive and sometimes act very childish.

 

What you should look at instead of the age difference is your life histories.

You have mentioned absolutely nothing about who you both are... all you

did was state ages (This could mean you yourself see the age gap as a problem).

Are you a mature 20 year old? have you had many relationships before? Is this

your first major one? Is he a mature 38 year old? Does he act as if life is over

and he is "winding down" or does he act like most 20 year olds and wants to get

out there and enjoy life? Is it his first major relationship?

 

All of these questions will give you a far BETTER insight into whether the

relationship will work or not... and it will certainly give you far more insight

than simply going 38 - 20 = 18 thereforeeeeeee = problems.

 

To answer one of your questions "Would it feel the same for him as it does me?",

his history (and yours) will answer that.

 

If this is your first relationship, or you have not had many then you will be

full of enthusiasm and have that wonderful feeling of ellation. For you it is a

fairly new experience and you may approach it with wild abandon. If however you

have had a few relationships before, perhaps even been burnt then you would

approach it totally differently. You may be more cautious or worried than

enthusiastic.

 

The same goes for him. If he has had relationships before then his enthusiasm

may not be as high as someone who hasn't... and if he has had some bad

relatiosnhips then he may be more cautious than over the moon. Of course chances

are because of your ages (here is where the "generalization" comes in), you are

still new at relationships and he may have had a few.

 

If both of you are following this "standard" pattern (ie you are both typical

for your age) then while he may not be as enthusiastic or as "walking on clouds"

as you may be, it doesn't mean he is incapable of caring or loving you the same

as you are him... he will just experess it differently. Reality tends to reach

us as we get older and while our first experiences are all romantic and new, the

more relationships we have the more we realise the truth of it. That you have to

work at them, that you have to MAKE them work and that love does NOT conquer

all.

 

I think the main point is to not avoid any topics of discussion, be as open and

as honest as you can be, get to know HIM as a person, find out his past

relationships, if he was hurt, where he sees himself heading now and then

compare that to yourself. If you both share the same interests and purposes, if

you both are looking in the same direction then your relationship will be a lot

easier.

 

The main problem with age gap relationships is that people who are "typical" for

their age are at different stages of life, they want different things. The young

want to go out and party, the old want to settle down. It is this difference

(and not the age gap itself) that is what can cause problems.

 

Let me know how you go

[amtheredoingthat]

If I wasn't in this situation, I couldn't write this... but as my name says, "am there, doing that!"

 

I am currently in the relationship of my life, with a man 26 years older than me. And here is what this relationship has taught me, and what I'd like to pass down to you (and all other age-gappers out there, and those who criticize such relationships as well):

 

1) Men who are over 60 STILL have sex!

 

I know that sounds stupid to some, but honestly, I'm sure there are 20-somethings out there that think Grandpa stopped having sex years ago. The truth is he (and Grandma) are still at it, and happily so. And hope to God the same is true for us all when we get to be that age. Because, you know what? We'll be old someday too!

 

2) And it's GOOD sex!

 

My aunt, who is sometimes not so "delicate" in her speech, asked me once if my current, older boyfriend was better in bed than my ex-husband, who is only 3 years older than me. I, of course, was embarrassed that she asked, but she came back and said, "Well, I figure he must be better, because your ex was 'green' in comparison, and this boyfriend is experienced!" You know what? She's right! My boyfriend hit all the right buttons with me our very first night together, without me having to say one word. Now while I haven't slept around in my life, I've had more than one lover, and I have to say that my current boyfriend is the BEST lover I've ever had.

 

So sex with a "senior" is not so bad. Actually, for me, it's great! Now, are there some special difficulties at times? Sure there are. Luckily, my boyfriend is in very good shape, and that makes a big of difference. But sometimes "it" doesn't want to participate, and actual ejaculation on his part happens maybe once in a 48-hour period. Sometimes a weekend will go by without that happening at all. But he's always "there" for ME -- tell me the same thing about a 20-year-old boy, and I'll say you're lying! lol

 

3) Age is in the head, not the body.

 

Age is SO relative. My ex's nickname, since HIGH SCHOOL, was the "OLD MAN" -- he never wants to go out, he listened to "easy-listening" music even as a teenager, he stays home in front of the TV or reads a book, and that's about it.

 

My boyfriend LOVES to go out, and he's an excellent dancer, likes to sing at karaoke nights, takes me to all kinds of places.

 

Plus, by maturity level and intellegence, we are very much equals. I can't say the same about my ex and me.

 

4) Being older sometimes means you have your "act" together

 

I wrote "sometimes" because I think you can be 20 and have your act together... but age and time help that cause, I believe.

 

5) Older men are from the "old school" -- and I think that's a good thing for women!

 

Old school for me means -- respectful and thoughtful. Remembers to hold the door for you, or carries your luggage through an airport. Helps you get in the car. Makes you dinner when you come over. Insists on paying. Gets up and gets you a drink from the bar at a wedding. Helps you with your coat. Sends you roses on Valentine's Day. Calls you just to say "Hi." Most men born and raised in the last 20-30 years don't have a clue just how NICE these little things are.

 

6) Seniors can be "with it"!

 

My boyfriend listens to pop, top 40 radio stations, and knows all the words to the song "Torn" and loves Sheryl Crow. He goes to all the latest movies. He's extremely computer and internet literate. He dresses in a very classic style -- he doesn't look like he's dressing YOUNG, but he doesn't look like a Grandpa (or even Dad) either. He has young daughters from a previous marriage, and they keep him young as well, I believe. It's all ATTITUDE.

 

With all this in mind, I say: date your 38 year old. Take it slow. Get to know HIM -- but don't be TOO blinded by the age. As far as age is concerned, I know MY only regret with my boyfriend is that he'll be out of my life, even if we are together until he dies, long before I'm ready to see him go. But I'm prepared mentally for all that comes with older partners, including the fact that I would have to care for him. But hey -- I'd rather do that when I'm young and healthy and physically able to do so, than to see us BOTH struggling to take care of each other at the end.

 

And by the way -- regarding children: when I was 10, MY dad was 52. I'm now 38 -- my father is 80, moving a little slower and acting a little more crabby (lol), but still wonderful and I love him SO much, and I'm glad I still do have him in my life (much longer than I figured or hoped). Good luck.