i can't stop being jealous

[seky25]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 1/2 years and I have the worst jealousy problem. When we first started dating, I wasn't like this at all, he actually was. I know he would never cheat on me, but I can't help the way I feel. His ex cheated on him many times, so I kind of understood at first that he is just normal to get jealous. He would always ask if I talked to any guys that day, or get mad if he saw me talking to anyone, so I got suspicious and started asking back all of the time. It started to bother him though. He would always tell me that he doesn't even talk to anyone, but later I found out about a bunch of girls he talked to at work. I don't care if he talks to them, but I know the way he acts with girls; he flirts and doesn't realize it. One of them was an acquaintance of mine who when I found out she knew him, her response was "Aww! You're going out with him? He is so sweet!" If he doesn't talk to anyone, then how does she know how sweet he is? Also, a girl from work called his cell phone one time, and there's so much more. I even get jealous when he hangs out with one of his friends and their girlfriend. Part of it, I feel left out not being there too, but mainly I'm afraid because I can't keep an eye on him. At one point in our relationship, if there was a guy he was jealous of, he would tell me that he didn't want me talking to him anymore, so I would stop. It came to the point that if I saw a guy I knew somewhere, I would look at the ground just so he wouldn't start with me about "who is he? You're other boyfriend?" Well, I would always ask him the daily questions still, and I finally started telling him that he couldn't talk to those certain girls either, and he replied, "I"m gonna talk to them, they're my friends and I've been friends with them for a long time." Ever since I found out about all of these girls and told him that if I can't talk to people then he can't either, he said that he doesn't care who I talk to, he's grown out of that stage, and I need to learn to trust him. We've been together for a while and I love him so much. It bothers me so bad that I'm still like this, and it seems like I cause all of the arguments because he's "not" that way anymore. I want to grow out of this stupid stage, but its not even just him, it's everyone in general. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I've been backstabbed and blackmaled too many times, and I feel like I can't trust anyone, not even my friends or family. Now I feel like me always being jealous is making him care less about me, which is why he never gets jealous anymore. There's so much more to everything, and I need someone to talk to, so if anyone knows what I'm going through or can give me some advice, please let me know.

[enadevoli]

i know how you feel. i get so jealous of hearing my bf tell me stories about talking to girls, even if he mentions a girl's name i get jealous. i think its a normal feeling though. he used to be that way with me too (he probably still is, but doesn't act on it). right now he goes to college an hour away & he shares an apartment with 2 guys & 2 girls. i know for a fact that he would never cheat on me, but when he tells me a story about his apartment & mentions one of his girl roomates, i get jealous. however, i know in my heart that he loves me & would never want to hurt me. your bf loves you. its hard to see your bf talking to other girls & you can't help your feelings. i would say that he told you that he doesn't talk to any girls at work because he doesn't want you to worry about it & get jealous. you never know, she might just have heard stories about him & thinks he's sweet from what she's heard. thats beside the point though. has your bf ever given you a reason to think he's cheating? if he hasn't, then you need to trust him. trust is a big part of a relationship because if you don't trust him, then it will cause problems. he might be getting tired of you getting so jealous. i would say to try & not show your jealousy. i can't tell you to stop your feelings cause that is hard, but don't question him about every thing. of all girls, he picked you. be happy with that & stop worrying about other girls because if he has been with you this long, then he must really like you.

[sayer7]

I understand what you're going through...

 

It's an issue of control and trust. His ridiculous demand that you not talk to other guys obviously hurt you and made you realize subconsciously that he doesn't trust you, that there's distrust in the relationship. So you do as he told you and not talk to other guys hoping to gain back the trust he thought you broke by talking to other guys...when in fact, he's just feeling insecure with himself.

 

The same goes for you in making the ridiculous demand that he not talk to girls anymore. Aren't you just feeling insecure with yourself? Feeling angry that he can talk to the opposite sex and you can't? Isn't that a double standard? Doesn't not being "allowed" to talk to other guys (as if you're some child that can't take care of yourself) make you feel less sure of yourself? Less confident of yourself? Trust yourself less?

 

Both your demands on each other is doom to failure and very disrespectful to each other. The more ridiculous demands you make on each other like that the more you're showing each other You Don't Trust Them. The more you try to control each other the more you're subconsciously knocking down their self-confidence, esteem, and trust within the relationship.

 

It's a vicious cycle.

 

If you want trust in the relationship-- let go of trying to control them. Let the person do and be their own person-- and if they overstep the boundaries of innocent conversation and behavior-- then deal with it as adults... not by making ridiculous demands of each other that are impossible to succeed or fulfill. That only makes you feel more of a failure, reduces more your self confidence and esteem when you can't accomplish the other person's demand.

 

So just let go and see what comes out of it. Talk to all the guys you want to, let him talk to all the girls he wants to. There's no 'control panel' to this relationship. Each person is a human being that has the ability to do and think their own thing. Everyone deserves humane, respectful, and loving treatment.

 

If you truly love him, let go of trying to control him and worry more about being who you truly are-- If he doesn't like who you are then tell him to go find another woman because you deserve better treatment.

 

Hope this helps....

[mistyeyes1]

I think you both need to trust each other, PERIOD. If you can't tust each other, then move on. A little jealousy is nice, but too much is no good.

[sayer7]

Very well said mistyeyes! I agree with you totally.

[luvtif]

SEKY25-

It is amazing how similar our situations are. I am really struggling with jealousy and trust right now too and I don't know how to get over it. i snoop through his stuff because I just feel like I will find something else. It sux. i know he's sick of it. He made some mistakes, much like your bf, but he deserves to be trusted. I hope your situation gets better. Let me know if you figure out any remedies!!! I need help.

[Luciana]

I think one of the reason we are all here is that we know for sure that even when your BF/husband/GF/wife loves you, when faced with enough temptations and the right occasion, they will cheat. It's human nature. We are trying to defeat biology.

We all love attention and that's what you get from cheating.

How many a middle aged family man will say no to a beautiful 25 year old who is next to him on an airplane flying to same destination, far away from his nice but slightly overweight wife?

Please...

[ReadyorNot]

I have so much in common with people on this website... does this mean I should find someone else???

 

I am insanely jealous.... Just as the person who started this topic. Ive been with my bf for 4 years now.... He was the jealous type at first and he was so sweet.... Now Im the jealous person... Basically everything that was posted in the first post relates to me too....

[Luciana]

If we are jealous, it's because we are insecure. Even if you try not to be jealous and not show jealousy, you still feel it and it burns inside you.

It's not easy trying to make these feelings disappear magically. Sometimes time makes them soften. But often it is how your partner makes you feel. If you feel loved and respected, you will feel less jealous. If you your partner is checking out other women in public, you will always feel he is looking for something different than you and will not trust him when alone.

 

I am also very jealous of my current relationship, and I wasn't of my past one. This guy now doens't tell me he loves me, and checks out other women (the young skinny type). He also has a much more interesting life than mine, while I work all day in an office. I am envious of all his opportunities. He likes to be on his own often, and doens't invite me to participate in many things I could do with him. So I am left alone a lot. On my side I invite him to do everything with me. I am the kind who likes to do things together, not by myself. I grew up seeing my parents always together. He's a man's man, and prefers the company of his buddies. I like all people, men and women, and am not the type who likes to hang out with GF's all the time and have women talk. I like to be with him, but he is not like that.

Maybe he is the wrong partner for me.

All in all, if we are jealous it's not OUR fault. It's because our partner is failing to make us feel loved and cherished. That's my opinion.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

I read this full topic. Great answers.

 

I wanted to to ad something to the original question.

 

I'll be direct, okay?

 

You say:

 

I want to grow out of this stupid stage

 

This is excellent. You know something's wrong. You want to change but don't know where to start, right? The question is "How to do it?", "How to shift this mind set your are in right now?"

 

You know that this is hurting the relationship and might eventually kill it alltogether.

 

You don't want that. This is now about saving your relationship.

 

Your bf did mislead you. When he educated you not no speak with other men, it was a huge mistake! It was a mistake from him to ask. It was a mistake from you to accept and go with it.

 

He created a mind set in you which is now killing your relationship. It created a prison for you. It isolated you, made you vulnerable and now makes you feel worthless.

 

You want to do one thing: Destroy this mind set now! Talking with other men is okay and healthy. Do it! recover that skill. Don't let him stop you or control you with that.

 

This was the wrong path. You want to recover your skills now. This is the real solution. The path of mutual control is a dead end. It kills you. It kills your life force and your being. It destroys trust in the relationship.

 

Your bf attacked something in you: he challenged your connections beyond the realtionship. By doing that, he attacked your self worth and confidence.

 

Your mistake? Accepting his will, going with it and believing it was the right thing to do.

 

I know this is tough, but you want to do one thing: Get your "connecting" skills back.

 

Sexual exclusivity within the realtionship is okay. It is a healthy boundary. Now, when your partner comes to you and says something like: "don't ever speak with another man" This is 100% wrong! Don't take it! Don't accept it! It's back to the middle ages! No way!

 

Free yourself and claim your freedom and independence back. This will give you confidence and extra power and is the real solution to your jealousy. Rewind. Go back to the starting point and take a new road.

 

It won't happen overnight but do it. Recondition yourself. Getting some validation from other men is healthy for the relationship.

 

You know what? I believe you can do it. I believe this is within your range. Wake up! Use your power and determination and go for it.

 

Give yourself 1 month. This is what it will take to save your relationship and rebuild your confidence and self worth.

 

Take steps and keep sharing

 

vitalcoach