he says i always point out the negative

[holls490]

I am 18, I know its not as old as many people in here, but going to those silly teen things doesn't help. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and we really do love each other. We had a really hard time in the middle of our relationship. He comes from a really rough childhood, and it affected our relationship to the point where my parents stepped in and said that I was no longer allowed to see him. It was incredibly hard on us, and trust me, it killed us both, but we made it. But we still have some lasting effects of that time where we couldn't see each other outside of school. For example, I have a tendency to constantly point out problems in our relationship, mostly the ones caused by him (although I am sure I cause plenty of them myself!). He feels like all I do is nag and put him down, and I will admit that I do tend to do that. Sometimes its problems that he is fully aware of, but I still bring it up. Also, when we get in arguments, he just shuts down, I will express a problem and then we sit there (on the phone during the week) in silence. He says he doesn't know what to say, but isn't it obvious that if I bring up a problem, I'd like to just discuss it so we can resolve it. I hate fighting with him, but I don't know quite know how to stop instigating fights. Although we eventually resolve the fight, I need some help in how to get over that period of silence, and get him to open up and me to shut up haha. Despite our problems, we still love each other very much, and I have commited myself to fixing this problem, among others, but being a college freshman, I don't have really any close friends yet to go to for help, and I just really need some sort of a listening ear. Thank you so much for your help, I really need it!

 

Thank you,

Holly

[DREAM]

Well first let me start by say please stop nagging him like you say you do. You said he has come from a real hard childhood, so its prob got to the point that he is used to having people shouting at him or putting him down all his life he is now used to it. He prob needs you but you are being like all the rest,. The last thing he needsis for you to demand or nag.

 

About him opening up, give him time sometimes it's hard for guys to talk about things. You could say it a ego thing, but he will open up in good time, be patient with him and let him know your there when he wants to chat.

[holls490]

You are definitely right about him not needing to be nagged. I honestly never really thought about it that way. Thanks for your advice. But, let me clarify, I don't nag about really stupid things, they are legitamate, but I just do it too often. I've realized I think why I do it, because my parents' relationship is not the healthiest. My mother allows my father to walk all over her, and I guess I am just afraid of doing the same thing, so I overcompensate. I know I need to stop nagging, but I don't know how.

[DREAM]

Well the best thing is the next time he does something wrong, tell him once in a nice way and then let it go, don't bring it up again. Im sure it's got to a point where your own voice it's irritating cos your having a go at him so much, so can you imagine how he feels. Just be patient and let things go, boys will be boys they make mistakes non stop, just show him the right path with out making it in to a big thing ya.