My Husband has NO sex drive with me....any advice ??

[scorpion lady]

Here's a little background. We are both 39 years old, 3 teenagers in high school, been married for 19 years.

 

Around 10 years ago, our sex life started going downhill. At first it went to once a week, then once every two weeks, to once a month.

Now it's to the point to where my husband hasn't touched me in 6 weeks, getting ready to start on the 7th week. This isn't the first time thats happened. The last time we had sex (which will soon be 7 weeks ago), we hadn't had sex for 6 weeks.

 

First, I know there is NO problem with him getting/maintaining an erection. The whole problem is that he just is NOT interested in sex with me anymore.

 

We have talked about this & I have poured my heart out to him, trying to make things better between us. But, nothing I say or do helps in any shape, form, or fashion. My husband claims there is nothing wrong with me, he says he just has "things" on his mind & sex is not on his list.

I do NOT "hound" him on a daily basis for sex. Once a week, once ever two weeks, I'll try, only to be turned away.

I have "came on" to him, tried to seduce him, tried to add some spice by asking if he wanted some cool whip or chocolate (of course he wasn't interested), ask to take a shower together (he says shower stall too small), flashed him, even tried touching him. All he does is turn away. For instance, I can walk up to him, start kissing on him, tell him how much I need & want him, run my hand down his chest to the front of his pants & "attempt" to rub him..........What does he do? Turns away quickly & will tell me.....now, now, now.....don't get yourself all worked up.........then he walks away from me.

 

I am hurt, lonely. I feel all alone. I am tired of pleasuring myself. I know sex isn't everything in a realtionship, but it sure is a big part of it. Seems like I'm good at being the maid, work horse, friend, and mother to our 3 teenagers but when it comes to the bedroom..........I'm no good to him.

I am so tired of being alone here. I feel guilty for saying this, but it's been on my mind for a couple of years now anyway.........I believe my husband is just "comfortable" in our so-called relationship. He's got a wife who works & doesen't mind changing oil in the cars, help put a roof on the house, cooks, cleans, & is a good mother. I feel like a "buddy" instead of a woman. I don't feel desirable at all. When that "blue moon" hits & we do have sex...........it's nothing special. I don't enjoy myself & am not satisfied afterwards. I can tell that my husband just isn't "into me or the sex" when its going on, that doesen't help me at all. I don't know but I'm getting to the point that I really don't care if he touches me anymore or not. Maybe thats why I don't enjoy sex with him. Maybe after all these years, all the turn downs, I may not be strong enough to walk away but in my mind, I've walked away from our relationship sexually, just as he has me.

I'm sorry for going on & on here. This is my first post, I do not have anyone to talk to. I have casual friends but none close enough to actually talk to this deep.

I'd appreciate any advice. I just don't know what to do or what I want anymore.

[real amour]

Hi. I think you have done all the right things. Is he overtired at work? Do you think he is cheating on you, on or offline? You never know, some of the most innocent, quiet types could be pulling one over on you.

 

The real breakdown in a relationship is if people stop trying. I think you are and he does not seem to be. I knew a guy who had an affair just to show his wife that he needed more attention (it worked!).

 

Ask him outright if he has lost the passion for you? Tell him he should go to counselling. Leave some self-help books lying around.

 

Sounds like there are things he isn't telling you or even himself. Hang in there longer, but don't burn yourself out. You have a lot of living to do and your kids would certainly like mom to be happy, as she is usually the glue that holds the family together, don't you think?

[BlueEyedBoy]

Hi, I actually feel like a bit of an impostor for placing a post on this topic, I am 23 years of age and have no understanding of marital relationships or any relationship of that magnitude for that matter.

I do feel though, that I may be able to contribute. Recently my other half and I broke up, it was I who called things off but it was something I felt I had to do rather than something I wanted to do, our relationship lasted for a little over two years and there were many factors contributing to the end, one of which seems very similar to the situation you describe with your husband but admittedly on a much smaller scale.

In the first year we had a very healthy and intimate relationship, full of passion, excitement and experimentation but in the second year things declined rapidly. In total we had perhaps six, maybe less encounters only one of which I can recall as being anything particularly special.

I made all kinds of efforts to spice things up many of which it sounds as though you have tried yourself but all to no avail.

I learnt after our breakup that infact it wasn’t me or sex it was she was bored with but the scenery, the same bed the same four walls etc. Unfortunately for the time being at least it is to late for my ex and I and there are many other issues we would need to resolve before there would be any possibility of another attempt.

My suggestion is that perhaps you could try creating a different environment for yourselves, rearrange possibly even replace furniture. Use different lighting, anything which alters the feel of your surroundings.

Possibly be a bit adventurous, go out somewhere and get change of scenery.

 

Hope this helps some. Good luck.

[scorpion lady]

His job isn't that bad. Some days are worse than others, like any typical job. I do not "come on" to him when I know he's had a bad day at work or if I know he is tired.

As far as change of scenery, when he's had days off & the kid's be in school, I've tried in our living room, kitchen, bathroom. I don't wait until dark & the bedroom only.

When I have tried talking to him about this, he always has the same excuse.......it's not me & he just has things on his mind.

As far as the computer, yes, the kid's & I have said he is obsessed. From the time he gets in from work, until the time he's ready for bed (which is anywhere from midnight to 2 am) BTW, we get up each morning at 6:15 am, for him to go to work & the kid's to school. On the weekends......from the time he gets up to whenever he decides to go to bed, he's on the computer. Whenever I make comments about it (or even the kid's) he says that "relaxes" him & he is "learning" things.

So, our teenager's go do whatever they want, & I sit on the couch, waiting until he isn't "reading" to try to hold a conversation with him, but mainly, there isn't a conversation. Just little chit-chat. I'll try to stay up with him, but I always end up falling asleep on the couch. He'll wake me up when he's ready for bed. And no, when we get to the bedroom, he always makes sure to yawn, say his head is hurting, very tired, etc.....to plant the idea in my head that there isn't any use in trying, he isn't in the "mood". I've even tried going on to bed without him for 3-4 months, leaving him up with the computer. I wouldn't really sleep, toss & turn, watch the clock to see when he'd finally turn it off & come to bed with me. Even with leaving suggestive thoughts in his head & me walking off to bed, practically begging him to come with me........he never followed me.

He also gets really, really defensive when me or the kid's make remarks about him being obsessed with the computer. He throws up my falling asleep, me crocheting, the kid's on the phone, playing playstation, etc etc..... He also has to inform all 4 of us that "he pays the bills".

 

It's like everything else comes before me. Time for me never comes anymore. He doesen't want to have time for me.

 

I don't know. Me & my kid's "hang" together. Our oldest son is a Senior in high school, then I've got twin's, boy & girl, who are Sophomores in hs. My boy's play football & I'll throw football with them, play basketball, etc..etc... My daughter & I will try different hairstyles, listen to music, etc... I live for Friday nights & hs football games. This is my 4th year & I have never missed a game. When football is over, needless to say, it's nothing here but to sit, crochet, watch tv, while hubby "learns" on the computer.

 

My kid's are the only thing that keeps me here. Without them, I'd be lost. They are almost grown & will leave one of these days & I always had this "dream" of what things would be like with me & my husband, but he hasn't had any desire for me in so long, what's life hold for me when my kid's are gone? I can't live like this.

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

I understand that your husband is not as interested in sex anymore. I also understand that he spends an awful lot of time on the computer.

My question to you is this: do you know what exactly he is "reading" on the computer? Have you ever confronted him without jest about his continuous sitting at the computer.

The reason I ask this, is because it is my firm belief that my parents relationship went down hill as soon as we got the internet. The reason being my parents both began meeting people in chatrooms and the like and would spend hours on end talking to their friends. This has nothing to do with cheating, as I don't think either of my parents cheated on the other. This has more to do with lack of time spent together. My parents got to the point where they wouldn't spend any time together in the evening. As soon as dinner was over, my mother would go to the computer in the den and my dad to the one upstairs.

There could very well be a chance that your husband has found satisfaction elsewhere, and it may be through the internet. I can't imagine he spends all that time just "reading" and if so, my wonder is what is he reading? The only time I spend long hours on the computer is either when I'm at work and have no choice, or when I'm talking to my boyfriend as he lives far away from me and that is a mode of communication.

Perhaps you should sit down with him, drag him off of the computer, and see what exactly fascinates him so much about the computer. Maybe even try marriage counseling, to see if there is a deeper problem other than the obvious cheating or "comfort." I suggest instead of trying to tempt him, which is not working, you try to get to the bottom of WHY it's not working. There stands the root of your problem.

Best wishes!

[Nate]

It sounds to me like your husband is suffering from computer addiction syndrome - link removed

[OmegaMan]

Yes, I believe your husband suffers from the aforementionned syndrome. It's quite a lot of work to get rid of that addiction, trust me. BUT, it can be done with some willpower and some hard work.

 

Good luck!

 

Etienne

[iron_maid]

You need to have a heart to heart talk and tell him how you feel, don't accuse him of anything or play on his sympathy. Ask him how he feels things are going in the marriage. Get an ethernet hub and another computer so you can join him on the internet; if that is not possible, then ask him to teach you about how to use the computer. By taking an interest in something he is interested in, you are showing him that you care. If all else fails then get someone you trust to go into your husband's chatroom online, to do this you will need to find out his online screen name(s) and have the friend pose as an online chat bunny to see if maybe he is chatting with someone online.

[Rock Grisham]

Can you say D-I-V-O-R-C-E??? You better tell your husband to go with you to counselling ASAP, or you might as well say it's over. He's obviously coming up with a million and one excuses to not have sex, and that's not normal in a loving marriage. Get counselling or get a lawyer! Good luck.

[Libra Lady]

My fiancie and I have been together for over 3 years now, and after the first year our sex life dramatically decreased. Now we do it, maybe once a week, he says "he, we" don't have the time.

We spent approximately a year in therapy with this issue leading the list of difficulties for me. Many times we have made plans to change things, and things have changed for a few weeks, then it goes back to the same routine.

Currently Im one of the most sexually frustrated people I know. As horrible as it sounds, its nice to hear that I am not alone with this problem.

I have read several self help books, spent time talking to him, crying, screaming, throwing tantrums etc. nothing helps. In fact, all that seemed to make the problems worse.

For the most part, Im happy within this relationship, its just the sex part that makes me unhappy. I really feel bad for you, as I do myself. It can't be easy to just walk away after all the years you have invested in your marriage, children, and building a life together. Im sure you have tried just about everything you can think of, and even some stuff other people have suggested, and to no avail.

The lack of sex in my life has driven me to seek hobbies and friends that I wouldn't have, due to trying to occupy my time with something else.

In the end, I guess we have to decide if the love and the company is enough.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he is not going to change, and things have changed. As far as he's concerned, he's satified with me just being here, as far as Im concerned, a lack of sex in my life is depressing. He said to me one time that sex does not mean love, and I believe thats true. I still love him, and I supose he loves me, but how long can two people go on with such drastically different libidos?

It has always seemed logical to me that if you care for a person you don't want them to be in pain. Yet, you are in pain. If your relationship is meaningful to your husband, shouldn't he be concerned and take an active role in carring for your needs?

It is only my opinion that if you have communicated clearly and precisley to your husband that you want to have a more active sex life with him, and he is unwilling to share the true reasons behind his lack of desire and work on he problem, that he bascially is just disinterested in sex with you, not that you are undesirable, or the problem is yours.

[t22]

Interesting thread! I think men usually always have higher sex drive than women (Im male).

 

I think an 'apple' every day(or two) is best , and have similar problem - you keep trying / get rejected (even if its kind ) , can be reallly frustrating.

 

Tried a lot of things, chatting about it, more romance, try to do more of the household duties etc, but I think people have different appetites.

Sometimes I consider witholding when (rare) she's interested first, but that wouldn't help plus my will is weak, especially for sex!

 

OK enough off my chest - just so you know you're not alone (although its mostly men in your position), onto advice:

 

One thing I find makes my problem worse is excercise- I love lifting weights/ jogging etc and that seems to make the drive higher.

 

So maybe get the guys' ass to the gym! Sounds like you're tempting him all the right ways.

 

Any tips on reducing sex drive that don't include excercising less? laugh.

[AP Arianna]

Have you considered asking him? MAybe he's tired, or he just feels like you don't want sex, so he doesn't try. Remember that in a marriage, everything ca be fixed (or prevented) by communication