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So i was just wondering something(i do alot of that)

If you have been hurt in previous relationships,do you think you can ever really open yourself up to a current relationship? do you ever give 100% of yourself to someone different after you've been hurt before?

I dont feel as if ive ever really let myself go 100% with anybody,even though ive never been seriously hurt as bad as some people are.-but the thought still gives me nightmares.

im beginning to think that my boyfriend is the same way. its like one minute he'll be loving and attentive towards me and then not long after,it seems like he's 'realised' that he's being nice and so he finds some way to alter the mood.-does he just not trust me to not hurt him?ive reassured him countless times that im NOT his ex girlfriend and im not like other people,i dont cheat and i dont think i ever will,but certainly not on him.

 

i feel as if i get him to the point where he's really starting to have faith in me,then something happens and his guard goes all the way up again.

is there any way i can get him to open up?

im trying my best to give him more of myself than i have in the past,hoping that it will encourage him to,but it never really does.- i feel like a failure coz he cant even be the person he really is around me.

why is he so cautious?we've been together a pretty long time now,but in all the time we've been together ive felt as if there is something he is keeping from me,or a part of himself that he is hiding and i dont know WHY.

i joked around with him once about it,just saying that it feels like he's keeping something from me but he just laughed it off as if i was being ridiculous.

i know this might all sound pretty far-fetched but it gets me down alot.

why is this happening,is he hiding something?

Please help.

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Hey I came out of my one and only relationship..with only one thing on my mind that I aint getting hurt like that again ..no matter what ..its natural for me to be that way cause the brain is a very powerful thing it can alter ur prception subconsciously to guard against previous failures

 

I was ant even aware that I had developed certain attitudes at the subconscious level , but that’s just human , I think the more u are going to thnk about this the more ur boyfriend is going to become defensive ..see In a way by saying that u wont hurt him ..he thinks about it more… while if u just ignore the subject completely and go out there and just love him and care ..his brain will soon start shedding his defensive shell.

 

Sometimes the best approach I s not the direct approach and it may not be u that he feels or acts like that ..its just called learnt behavior psychology

 

Prove him wrong stop doubting him , don’t let his fears become a reality ..if he thinks it was ridiculous that you thought this way then let it go …better to let things go then to analyze them ..it will totally kill ur relationship …IT KILLED MINE ….don’t make something out of nothing.

 

 

 

AND UR SIGNATURE SAYS IT ALL!! URE HEAR FOR A GOOD TIME

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Thankyou so much,you sound like a really clued up guy.-i really respect your response.

i know what you mean by what you said about coming out of a relationship and knowing that you never wanted to get hurt like that again,i just feel a bit jelous in a way,coz i feel like his ex got to see the real him and she got to know more of him than i did.-like im losing out on the really great parts of him coz of how she treated him. and i feel hard done by coz of this,and maybe thats really selfish of me but i thought i should be honest if im expecting honest help here.

it just aggrivates me that i am treating him the best i possibly can, and nearly all im getting in return is punishment for his cheating b*tch of an ex.- i would never do that to him.

he said to me once that it worries him coz the more he that he realises he cares about me,the more potential i have to hurt him,which i guess is true,but how can i make him believe that i WOULDNT hurt him?

i worry everyday about this thinking to myself 'oh god if i step one foot out of place then he's gonna lose all trust in me and just assume that im just like the rest of them' which im so not.

i want him to trust me completely and let himself go to me,people have said this is the only way you can truly be happy together,which in some ways i believe.do you know what i mean?any other help would be greatly appreciated thankyou.

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Hi sweets you are more than welcome , well I should be clued up by now ..went through a nervous break down dropped a year lost my friends almost commited suicide… but that’s just what love does to you drives you mad ..i was ready to leave and learn another language settle in a alien country all for her just cause I loved her and held nothing back…anyway ..Happiness is a state of mind and its not comparable to anything , how happy he is with you depends on how happy you are with him …its like magic and its your magic nobody can replicate that its special …You know you are not going to hurt him so why worry , if something goes wrong tomorrow you know it aint your fault …

 

I never hurt my x , she left me cause I cared to much too much love ..figure that out ..she told me that she would die if I was not with her ..so she had to break up because it was too special …imagine that ..what I must have felt like …and where was I to go from there …she said I was perfect and she couldn’t handle perfection …I made her feel to good ..these were her words ….and I was left with a psychological scar because I couldn’t figure what I had done …

 

Don’t try to gain perfection …it might scare you once you achieve it …I tried it got it and look what I got ..now I am totally clueless about what girls want and I can never be like that for a long time

 

My advise to you is that you have happiness don’t find reasons to give it up !! or you will end up like me totally lonely scared , rejected and destroyed from within …

 

And you are not selfish for knowing him better …its only your love for him (why cant I run into people like you, wish people had signs on there heads..lol)

 

Love is all about believing in it , faith don’t ever doubt it

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You really make sense,thankyou.

im sorry that you had to go through that ordeal,it must have been soul destroying.i guess theres nothing more that i can do except for just continuing to be there for him and hope that i build his trust up enough.i suppose he is being sensible in a way,by not giving himself up to me completely,that would probably be the sensible thing for me to do..lol.

but i cant help it,if i didnt care for him that much then i wouldnt try to do everything in my power for him.at least he will perhaps have something to fall back on if me and him dont work out,im not going to have alot considering he is number one on my priority list of life no matter what i try and do to alter that.

i know he shouldnt really be the center of my world but i find it so difficult to change that,and i know i would be devastated if we split up,like we have in the past.

i suppose i shouldnt try to spoil a good thing,but im going through life worrying everyday that i might make a mistake and that will be it.-we've both made mistakes in the past but gotten over them,but im not sure how much longer i can go on not feeling as if im getting the love that i am giving,and i know that will make sense to you.

i think your right,if i had perfection i think it would make matters worse,coz in a way there would be nothing else to want or desire from him,so the relationship would either go completely stale or we'd both end up thinking that we had to live up to the others perfection.i know what you mean.

Anyway thankyou very much for all your help,you're more than welcome to PM me anytime if you wanna chat,and il make sure i try my best to help you out if you post a problem sometime.

thanks again.

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Hello,

 

I just had to reply to these posts because I know where you're both coming from.

Shyguy, I am so sorry your relationship didn't work out with your ex. It is a strange reason to give someone when breaking up but I can understand why she did it if she is telling you the truth, the whole "You're too perfect" thing. And I'll try to explain in this post what I mean..... Buffalosoldier, if you're anything like me, when my life is going so well with my husband and everything is flowing just right, for some reason I have to stop and think, "OK, Now what is wrong or what could go wrong?" and I invent things to worry about. I think we women overanalyze everything but I think it's because we are on that constant search for the perfect life but once we have it, we think that it can't possibly be perfect so we look for the faults. It's an endless cycle. Shyguy, is this making any sense? Maybe she was afraid that she would never find anything wrong so it just wouldn't feel natural and real because every couple has problems..... I know it sounds corny but life would be boring if everything went right ALL the time and also, we would never learn anything. Unfortunately learning involves hurt feelings and going through different experiences.

Buffalosoldier, you sound like you are a lucky girl - your boyfriend sounds like he is very much in love with you and I would advise you to not push him into revealing feelings that he hasn't voluntarily shown, and I'll try to explain why... he evidently shows you that he loves you because you seem to know in your heart that you are loved very much. I think you are scared of losing him because you have such a wonderful thing right now. Men are scared to fall for someone just like we are, they hate to lose control over their emotions because of the macho image that they have to keep up to be "manly". They hate to be pressured into saying or doing something just like we do. Give him some more time to collect his thoughts and feelings and just keep SHOWING him how much you love him. You can say it better by saying nothing at all and with your actions. Think hard about things or activities you know he really likes and get him things related to those things that you know he'll use. Remember milestones in your relationship. Treat him with a lot of respect. He will fall so head over heels because he won't feel so obligated to talk about those scary feelings and he will love you even more for it. I'm not saying to stop communicating, just don't pressure him to talk about something you know he is not comfortable talking about. He'll just know how much he's loved by your actions and one day he'll just start talking about how wonderful you are without warning and you can take it from there. I really think being your guy's best friend is important too. Not judging him for his past, being there for him when he's had a bad day, and asking for his opinion on things that are outside of your relationship are good. Finally, relax when you are with him, be YOURself and his natural self will come out naturally. I hope I have helped some with both of you...

Princess777

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Thankyou Princess,god i wasnt expecting to find people that made so much sense to me! thankyou so much for your response.

yeh your definitely right about the part about when things are going right looking for possible faults.i have a habit of doing that unfortunately and i know that has to stop,im working on it.i really hate the fact that i over analyze things,i do it with everything in my life,and i end up exausting everything about whatever it is,and make a good situation look bad by finding fault with it.i really do hope that my boyfriend loves me,coz i do him and it would kill me if i found out otherwise.im so scared that he has or is cheating on me to.he gets really overprotective of me when it comes to other guys,which could just be a natural for him.-maybe its me over analysing again but it just makes me wonder why he is like this and if he's got a guilty conscience or something.

i will definitely give him more time,i know its not always easy to say how you feel,its not really that easy for me.shall i continue to let him know how i feel about him or shall i lay off on that part aswell?do you think me saying nice things to him is going to make him feel pressured to?its just im a very loving and affectionate person and find it hard not to try and give love.thinking about it really,i guess even if he did tell me he loved me,it wouldnt change anything and wouldnt necessairly secure my future or anything else with him either would it?guess thats just the irony of life.

Thanks again for your response anybody else feel free to add your comments id really appreciate it xxx

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Hello again,

I feel the same way in my relationship and I am married. I don't think it will ever go away because I've been hurt before too. I always look for what's wrong and I need to be a better person than that, by looking at all the blessings in my life and how wonderful the people who are close to me really are, appreciating them as they are and not trying to change them so much. It is hard to do.

My husband is overprotective of me also, like your boyfriend. I don't look at it like he is trying to hide something though, I look at it like he doesn't want to lose what a good thing he's got. You should do the same.... I'm sure he just doesn't want to lose you! You asked about saying nice things to him - sure, keep doing that but just try to relax more and don't get upset when you don't get the response you might want. My husband told me that the thing that makes him the most happy is seeing me smile. He constantly tries to make me laugh by acting goofy and doesn't care what anyone thinks but me....so play up your boyfriend's sense of humor.... it really is something that will bring you two closer I think. When we argue sometimes he tries to make me laugh and I just can't help to make up. Men need to know that their partner thinks they are "the man", can make them laugh, can trust them, and can satisfy them in bed, just to name a few key components! Let him know he does those things for you, if he does, while maintaining a little bit of mystery to keep the boredom out of the relationship is fundamental, I think. Be spontaneous. You don't want him to think that he NEVER could lose you....(even though you have no intention of leaving him!) because then there's always the possibility that he'll take you for granted and become bored. I'm definitely not saying to play games with his head, because nobody deserves that. Men need to have a challenge and feel that they have accomplished something all the time, so try your best to make him feel that way and suggest things to do that will help him feel that way in your relationship. Most of all, let him be himself and only then will you be able to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with him because believe me, he'll never change unless HE wants to. It sounds like you love him just the way he is but just want more verbal reassurance. It will come with time....Good luck!

Princess777

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