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True colors shine through after a break up...


rbr85

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I won't even begin to get into the whirlwind that I experienced back in 06 during that break up, in many aspects it was just as much insanity as this one. This time around I dated a girl for about a month, we'd been seeing each other for about 4 months total.. and she broke up with me. Well I immediately went NC, I broke NC only to find out she had sex with others in that 4 month period. Apparently, sleeping with others and telling someone else you love them and want to be with them is okay as long as you're not "officially" together. Well long story short, I resumed NC and I get a barrage of texts saying, "I love you, I'm sorry, I wish it would've worked." Now, I delete her from my myspace/etc... and she bites back with a barrage of texts accusing me of cheating on my other ex, calling me immature, etc..! She's attacking me, after she betrayed my trust and after she issued her heartfelt apology! I mean if her apology was sincere, she would not be acting like this! Wow, sometimes you really don't realize much about someone's character until you separate yourself from them. You see the person for who they really are. Her behavior is atrocious! She just solidified my NC decision even more so, and ruined any possibility of us everr... well she already did, but now she ruined the possibility of friendship in my mind. Do I really want a friend who's going to be abusive? I'm tired of being codependent, I can't keep making excuses for her behaviors and accpeting her half-apologies. She's only seems sorry when people stop doing what she wants in response to the harm she inflicts on them. But never before then. I am leaving my verbal/emotional abuser behind. Thanks to all who've offered me help on here!

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You are learning lessons it took me into my late 30s to learn, yet are 21; you are ahead of the game.

 

Here's another lesson for you: There's another better one just around the corner, and with your new-found wisdom, you will be able to slog through the dreck of undeserving/screwed up/drama-laden/cheating people to know her when you see her.

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You are indeed ahead of the curve...I'm in my 40's and I still have made choices over the years to date people that ended up being dishonest, unfaithful, etc. Consider that you dodged a bullet in being involved with her as short a time as you were, even though it hurts to be reject, cheated on or abandoned by someone we love. Don't be too hard on yourself on the codenpence stuff either. I personally think that term gets a bit overused. When we care about people, we do things that later don't make sense and seem desperate, and often get us exactly what we don't want (rejection, pain, etc). In the moment, I'm sure you were doing the best you could. I regret staying as long as I have in a number of situations where it was very clear the other person's interest level was not as high as mine. Good for you for sticking with NC and seeing the true nature of the situation!

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I absolutely agree that the term co-dependent is very overused. I find it is a "blame the victim" word. Yes, sure there are co-dependent people, but not everyone who is in a bad relationship is co-dependent. Sometimes we make excuses to others about our partner's bad behaviour but that doesn't mean that in the privacy of our own thoughts, we don't recognize that the partner is behaving badly. Sometimes you do things because you do love someone, recognize their faults but love them anyway. Not that I am saying it is good to stay in an unhappy relationship...I am just saying that sometimes people are too quick to blame the person who is trying their best. I also take issue with that overused expression "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". I don't think there is any shame in forgiveness and giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Just ask the Dalai Lama.

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I agree with you.. true colors do show after a break up. My ex-husband proved to me the biggest jerk on the face of the earth after we split up. His actions and verbal abuse gave us no chance to fix our relationship. Now I am just glad to be away from him.

 

My advice to you is, be careful you aren't a "crazy" chic magnet. Keep your crazy radar on and ask any new potentials how their last relationship ended...

 

Good luck.

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This has turned into sheer madness! She texted me telling me how horrible of a person I am for treating girls the way that I do, and that I'm a liar! And previously she texted me saying how right we are for each other. She sounds so desperate and is going absolutely insane. I wish she would stop. Why is she doing this to herself? She is only helping me love her less and less. I had such a wonderful image of her at one point, why is she tarnishing it? I want to remember the sweet wonderful girl who's arms I felt so comfortable in. She is showing me this vicious, desperate person. I am so sad and so disappointed by it. I wish she would just stop attacking me. I know I am not a bad person, I am not a liar, I am not a horrible person I won't let her convince me I am. I am a good person, with a good heart, I did all that I could for her. I am not wrong for not speaking to her. I am doing her a favor, by letting her heal faster. Most importantly, I am doing myself a favor because she is hurting me, to have her in my life hurts me so much. If she really loved me, she'd understand this. I shouldn't have to explain my every action to her, I don't feel I owe her any explanations. She calls her actions that hurt me, "trivial". They aren't, they in fact hurt me, and they are not trivial. I will not be fooled by her anymore. I am strong. I am stronger than she is. I am a real person, with a real heart, and real feelings. I believe in me. I keep telling myself this. Thank you all so so so much for your support.

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How did your ex's react to no contact. Did they accuse you, blame you, berate you, and then profess love to you all within a day? It's been a week now and she's harassing me. It makes me so sad, it kills me actually. I want to remember the beautiful girl I loved so much. She isn't showing me that person anymore. All I wanted was to love her, and to have her love

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Well yes I would not have dealt with the situation had I not really cared about her. I still do of course, but there is no excuse for this behavior. Following messages last night included, "you will never find anyone as perfect for you as me, and nobody will be as perfect for me as you are" IMMEDIATELY followed by "You're a * * * *ing liar, if you ever want to speak to me again, don't bother I don't want you to talk to me ever again blah blah".... I think my problem with her I was too understanding. This is what I mean by my codependent tendencies. I would call it "understanding" when I put myself in her shoes, and I ignored my needs. Now there's nothing wrong with empathizing with someone, but the problem was I ignored my needs. All because I think I know what must be going through her mind, does not mean that I need to ignore my needs. I spent so much time saying, "What must she be thinking?" because I was afraid she'd leave me if I didn't read her mind. I forgot to ask, "What am I thinking?" I convinced myself, I wanted whatever she wanted.

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Hey rbr,

 

I can understand your emotions and pain right now. About 2 weeks ago, I went N/C with my ex fiancee for the first time EVER, after breaking up in late April.

 

He wasn't very happy by that development, and told me that he was glad he broke off the engagement when he did, and that I was "unwell" and that he never wanted to speak to me again.

 

It's so sad when colors like this shine through after a break up. I can't help thinking "This was the man who professed undying love for me, and asked me to marry him just 4 months ago"?

 

All that being said...perhaps in my case and yours, the emotional roller coaster of a break up is difficult to deal with on both sides of the fence. Although our exes chose to deal with it in hurtful ways, hopefully this is just their pain speaking, rather than their actual personality. Maybe.

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Yes, these messages are definitely taking a toll. I feel for you greatly. My ex is saying that she wants me back, while at the same time insulting me! Now, I understand if her emotions are running wild but if she wants me back so badly why is she sabatoging herself? I think often times our ex's want us to take responsibility for their feelings.

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I think when people say horrible things in a break up, whether the dumper or the dumpee, the horrible things being said comes from a place of pain and insecurity. Rational thought goes out the window and they react. Most of the time they don't really mean the horrible things they say....it is just their pain coming through. Although the words hurt and feel very personal, it helps to realize that the other person is simply out of control and this is not what they are really feeling. It doesn't excuse their behaviour, but it helps in reducing the pain for yourself.

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Yes, I know she is extremely hurt. However, I can no longer put my feelings aside for hers. It's simply not right. She may very well be feeling those things, but I still can't make excuses for her behavior. I know she's completely out of control, it's saddening really. She calls sleeping with another unprotected, and then having sex with me "trivial" because we weren't "technically" together. (She was leading me on.) I mean when has she stopped to think... he must really be hurting. She is maliciously now trying to hurt me more so, because she feels vulnurable. I don't think anybody who really loves someone would do that, not even in the pain of a break up. I still feel guilty like I should talk to her, and tell her that I don't want anything to do with her.... but I know that these feelings of guilt shouldn't be there on my part.

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How did your ex's react to no contact. Did they accuse you, blame you, berate you, and then profess love to you all within a day? It's been a week now and she's harassing me. It makes me so sad, it kills me actually. I want to remember the beautiful girl I loved so much. She isn't showing me that person anymore. All I wanted was to love her, and to have her love

 

OK this is way too long, but funny...

 

To answer your question and to bolster your resolve about true colors; this would most definitely be you with your ex one day, or maybe something worse, my ex is a 40 year old woman at the end of a ten month serious relationship, these are condensed versions but factual:

 

4/15 (her call to me)

Me: We need to tone things down, we have been joined at the hip for 10 months and seeing way too much of each other (after she ruined a nice dinner out with needless drama and heavy relationship talk)

Her: I love you, will always love you. I can think of nothing better than being Mrs. Servedcold. It is so hard for me to commit 100% but I am getting there with you.

Me: We can work it out

Her: I love you.

Me: I love you.

 

4/19 (her phone call to me saying something is wrong with "us.")

Me: Is there someone else?

Her: (long pause) Yes.

Me: Are you sleeping with him?

Her: No, just lunch and emails.

Me: We are done as a couple.

Her: OK well, there is really no one else, he is just a friend who wants more.

Me: We are done as a couple.

 

4/20 (in person meeting at my office, she has been busted by the other man who broke into her email at this point, we had no idea of each other's existence til now)

Me: So you -are- sleeping with him.

Her: Yes (2-3 times in March).

Me: Do you love him?

Her: Yes.

Me: Do you love me?

Her: Yes, you are the love of my life.

Me: Get out.

 

4/21 (email from her)

Her: -He- is the love of my life. I will never find happiness in my life if I lose him. Please if you ever cared at all do not spoil my happiness..."

 

4/21 (her call to me)

Me: If he is the love of your life why are you calling me?

Her: I didn't mean what I wrote in the email, just angry and trying to make you mad. I love you.

Me: Do you love him?

Her: Yes.

Me: Bye.

 

4/24 (her call to me)

Her: I need legal advice.

Me: After all this, you are calling me for legal advice?

Her: You are the only person in the world I trust and you are my best friend.

Me: (making a cuckoo gesture around my head) If you did what you did due to stress combined with one of your emotional issues and alcohol, now is the time to say so. (long conciliatory conversation ensues MISTAKE ON MY PART!)

 

4/26 (my call to her MISTAKE!)

Me: If you were really under stress and imbalanced, agree to get professional help and never speak to OM again, we can continue talking about reconciliation, if not, it's time for us to part.

Her: Let me think.

 

4/30 (her call to me)

Her: I can't be in a relationship right now, I need to be alone and work on myself for awhile. Can we revisit "us" in the future?

Me: Probably not, you need to set me free and move on.

Her: OK

Her: I love you.

Me: I love you, goodbye.

 

5/4 (my call to her after several texts and calls from her to me MISTAKE!)

Her: STOP CALLING ME!

Me: This is only the second time I've called you since 4/20 (no emails, two replies to her texts, no other contact)...

Her: I have blocked your email

Me: I haven't emailed and don't intend to...

Her: I wish I could block your cell.

Me: You have called me 15-20 times in the last 2 weeks; I have called you twice. If you want to block a cell, perhaps it should be your own.

Her: hangs up

 

5/13 (she leaves long babbling voicemail; I don't reply)

 

5/21 (her call to me, two days before my birthday) (MISTAKE to ANSWER was on landline at same time so didn't screen well)

Her: OM and I are getting serious, we will be married one day, I've never really been in love before...

Me: What happened to being alone and working on yourself?

Her: It just happened.

Her: Have you been seeing anyone?

Me: I'm not like you, I don't jump from relationship to relationship, but I am planning some casual dating soon.

Her: This is my closure.

Me: I thought our talk on 4/30 was closure...

 

This last call got me so pissed off that I contemplated revenge, please don't let yourself make the mistakes I did. Any of this look familiar rbr85? At least three weeks later I am starting to see the humor in the above exchange.

 

The lesson here is that in this conversation, and in yours, there is a subtextual third party... the other guy or guys she is with, her friends/family she is milking for sympathy, who knows? My ex obviously wanted to end up with the OM all along, she was just trying to jockey me into a supporting role. I am certain that she went to the OM after these exchanges and said "Servedcold is asking to take me back! See I'm not that bad if he wants to keep me." Try to think of the unseen players in your drama and what purposes contact from you might serve for her.

 

If only I had gone strict NC the day I found out about her cheating, I would have been so much better off. She is drawing you into the same kind of BS mine did. Avoid.

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Servedcold, reading this sent chills down my spine. My situation has it's own unique quirks, but there are many threads that run through your experience that run through mine. The girl I was with, I don't know if this applies to your ex as well, had the "I want you to want me, but don't want the responsibility of a relationship" mentality. She wanted everyone around her to fall at her feet, and when somebody didn't she became angry and desperate for their attention. I think even enough so to sleep with them. I truly feel for you, I think that the way you've handled the situation is quite admirable. I'm glad you were able to see through the fog. You'd think that by the time a woman reaches such a ripe age they would have developed far enough on a personal level that they would no longer behave in such a childish fashion. I am truly sorry to come to the rude awakening that age is not necessarily an indicator of emotional maturity. There were so many red flags in my situation, and I stayed in a relationship I knew was toxic, a self esteem issue on my part. Red flags, I've learned don't necessarily mean run away, but they mean be careful. I've always learned that there's such a thing as being too understanding. She hasn't contacted me since her tirade yesterday, who knows what sexually promiscous activity she is engaging in now. I'd just love to see her act like an adult about the situation. I am emotional too, I am hurting, I am in great pain, I am sad, I am angry, I am frustrated, I am vengeful, but NEVER NEVER NEVER did I attack her, blame her, accuse her, threaten, or try to demean her in any way. Even when she told me she'd slept with someone else, all I said to her was I wanted the full and complete truth and there was no excuse for her action. It's funny how she broke the news to me. She said "I slept with another guy" in the kind of way you'd tell someone you had eggs for breakfast. It made me so worried, that she was able to downplay just how sick and terrible her act was. It makes me wonder what else she'd done. I think she's a sort of narcissist, she exhibits borderline traits.. but not all. I know her parents were abusive, and she was physically/verbally abused as a child. I don't know about sexually. It's one of the first things she told me, "red flag". She'd made a comment about how weird of a parent my mother is, when she is in fact loving and caring. Her parents seemed to have disciplined her by insulting her and calling her names. I am sure she's carried on these behaviors in full. I am glad to have been raised by two loving people who instilled respectable values in me.

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Thanks for letting me vent out my situation in your thread, hope it helped you some. The main thing is, It's NOT you, it's her, and trying to understand the emotional swings in a normal context will frustrate and confuse you perpetually. Yes, look into personality disorders to recognize red flags, especially if they tell you about them. I made the mistake of not looking into it seriously early on when she told me of hers. Also check out histrionic personality disorder based on what you have said here and in other threads.

 

The danger with knowing about these disorders is that it is very tempting and insulting to try an armchair diagnosis on someone just because they hurt us or act strange. However, if they -tell- you about other diagnosed disorders such as bulimia/anorexia, anxiety disorder, mild OCD, be educated and wary if they haven't also told you they are fully recovered or in treatment.

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I don't believe she has a personality disorder, but she definitely exhibits traits of many mental disorders. I think she is a very vicious person, who doesn't know how to handle her emotions. Today I was feeling sort of cocky, and felt the need to contact her to defend my character. Even after she said to never contact her again (even though it was her contacting me all along). I just can't believe she'd attack me. She says, after all she did for me I go about treating her this way.... I'm not doing anything, I'm just maintaining NC. She basically say I'm a liar, and if I keep treating girls this way it'll catch up to me. Unbelievable! I treated her like royalty! She must be delusional or inventing stories to placate her guilt. I know it's about her, and that it's not about me. But boy is it tempting to finally give her the big F U after all this time of being a good guy. I mean the immediate release would feel great, but then it would just A. confirm in her mind that I am a bad person, and B. if I argue and try to defend my character it will just justify a guilty verdict in her mind the fact I felt the need to defend myself.

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I'd like to illustrate the kind of language I'm dealing with here, so maybe you all can see where I'm coming from as well. Here is the last string of messages (abbreviated version) I received after deleting her from my myspace account. All previous messages had been apologetic, or professing love in some way. Along the lines of "I'm sorry, I knew I would hurt you. You didn't deserve any of what I put you through. I really do love you". I didn't respond to any of her messages.

 

These occurred within a day. I believe this is considered abuse is it not? Why do I keep doubting myself? Why do I keep doubting my decision? I feel like I can't even trust my own instincts. Am I blind to the way I'm being treated? I know something is wrong I feel it in my gut, but why can't I trust it?

 

1. I'm glad you decided to delete me off the internet, it makes it easier not to love you anymore, you're not as mature as I thought

 

2. That something so trivial (sleeping with someone else while professing her love to me, and treating me very badly during the relationship) can be more important than everything we had. It also makes it easier knowing you lied to me about cheating on your ex. (I never cheated on my ex)

 

3. Then I guess I was just your another number for you. (i.e sex number) you just don't care. no fixing anything, just giving up.

 

4. You were willing to forgive someone who blatantly cheated on you.. but not me.. who wasn't with you at the time. who didn't lie.

 

5. After all I did for you, you discount it for something so trivial. That I am so sorry for. But you don't care because you can't look at the big picture

 

6. (Text about an inside thing of ours)

 

7. There will never be anyone as perfect as me for you, and nor your for me. I don't know what else I can do to show how sorry I am.

 

8. You're a F--- ing liar. If you ever watn to talk to me again, don't even think about it. I can't believe how naive I was to have believed you. Keep treating girls like that, it'll catch up with you.

 

 

-- I am so puzzled by this. I don't know why she is accusing me of all these things. As much as I wish it didn't, it's hurting me. I know I should brush this off, but it's hard when you care about someone.

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hi rbr85, wow you are really having a hard time with this ex girl i can see that and i feel for you. I can honestly say she is acting in desperation in the extreme as I have been there (well not to such an extreme I must say) when my very first real serious relationship ended when I was 18. I was so so upset, but so so immature and silly also and acted so desperate that i just made myself look completely mad and actually tried to lie to get him back.

 

(I am more devastated about this current break up but i am maturer now and so dealing with it a lot better if that makes any sense).

 

I know you want to remember the girl she was and if you can then thats great if not dont beat yourself up over this anymore. Its not your fault how she is acting she is just so devastated about it all she is acting so strangly. Just dont respond at all, I know its hard, and eventualy she will give up.

 

Well done you tho, you have been nothing but kind, mature and decent about all this where as some blokes would turn as crazy and viscious as her! take care xxx

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I would like to add that she got in contact with my ex girlfriend who suffers from BPD. My ex has no spewed a bunch of lies upon her ears, and my most current ex absolutely hates me for it. I can't believe this....I am freaking out. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like dying inside. I feel like I need to write my most current ex a letter to explain things. Now everything in her mind is justified because my previous ex has made her think I'm a bad person. I can't believe this. I feel so horrible, I'm tearing up. Why are these people trying to hurt me?

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Good effort; was just about to post not to send it. Man, you are suffering from the school of hard knocks early on, I promise it will be good for you in the long run. You will look back on this time and laugh in a few years after you have been able to cull out the crazies because you know what to look for.

 

So you had a BPD GF before this one? Damn bad luck. I sympathize, my Ex-Ex was very mildly borderline (both sisters had it too, Im not armchair diagnosing here), and I thought I had it rough with her. Then, just a few months later, enter the DRAGON LADY I have posted about in this thread, and I learned the meaning of true confusion.

 

You're doing great. Remember the mantra "There's another SANE one around the corner... There's another SANE one around the corner."

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Three very important words....CONSIDER THE SOURCE. So when someone is trashing you....CONSIDER THE SOURCE. People like your exs project their hangups and personality flaws and behaviours on to the person who is standing up to their games and won't tolerate their s**t anymore. I had a female friend who was very selfish and a bully. I took a lot from her in the spirit of friendship...if she did something selfish that hurt me, I would let her know about it...the problem was that she was not capable of applying lessons learned to other situations. It got to the point where she really overstepped her bounds and we had a fight...when I didn't cave in to her games, she wrote me a letter with all kinds of accusations which were basically her own character flaws projected on to me. The letter was the last straw for me and I terminated the friendship. Because she was the "ring leader" of this group of "friends" (who were all cut from the same cloth!), I was no longer part of the "in crowd". It hurt for awhile but I knew they were just too toxic. They backstab each other as well. Their opinion of me doesn't bother me because I know what they are about.

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Well I saw her tonight. Very unfortunate! I was invited to a party and saw her car parked in front. I refused to go inside while she was there. Once she left I went back in, but we both drove next to each other on the road. I'm not sure if she saw my car and recognized me or not. I am so sad. This is excruciating. I am having extreme anxiety, I don't know how to cope. I feel like I should talk to her, but everyone and everything else tells me no contact. I am at war with myself here.

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