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Need tips and advice from the ladies here!!!


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Okay, my new situation is a little messed up. I'll try to make a long story short...

 

I started dating this girl about 1.5 months ago. I was also dating a couple other girls at the same time. About three weeks ago, she kinda brought up the question if I was seeing anyone else too. I was honest and told her yes.

 

She accepted this, but in subtle ways she started to apply some pressure to go exclusive. After about three days of this, we had the talk and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

This past weekend, things got a little weird. She ignored me and I got a little worried, so I tried calling her a bunch. As it turns out, she was ignoring me and it was all because she told me some stuff about her past and didn't think I took it too well. That wasn't the case, and it was clearly a misunderstanding.

 

We finally got together yesterday and talked it all out and everything seemed fine. We never actually decided we'd break up before, so it was more like a disagreement that we have now resolved.

 

But is it resolved? I find out today through sources of my own that in the 3 days we were not talking, she started talking to 2 other guys and even as recent as today, is planning first dates with them.

 

Since I know this, I also know that she clearly lied to me last night. She apologized for ignoring me and said she still wants us to go out, but she understands if I want to date other people again. I assured her that that was not the case and I only wanted to date her. She assured me she also was not looking for anyone else right now! And today I find out she's given out her phone number to 2 others and agreed to a dinner with one of them!!!

 

Now, this is not a case of immaturity. We are both around 30 years old. She has some serious past issues, actually pyschological... so I'm not sure how to proceed.

 

The truth is, I think I'm actually starting to fall in love with her. The smart side of my brain knows this is a situation I should run from and not look back, but my heart is telling me she is a good girl and this can work.

 

I've learned a lot from these forums over several months now. One of them is that if you're broken up (or at least one party things you are), you really shouldn't be concerned with what they do during that time.

 

I also recognize that we haven't been together that long, so a couple dates that might not pan out are not that big of a deal. They still hurt to think about them though after she was the one that pushed for an exclusive deal.

 

Clearly, we haven't gotten everything from the disagreement resolved, and obviously, something about the way she felt about me has changed.

 

Learning from mistakes of the past, I'm trying to avoid using logic to sway her decision. You simply can't use logic to combat a decision made on emotion, I know that.

 

In addition to all this, what I really want to know from the ladies perspective is this...

 

We are going out on a date tomorrow night. Do I bring back up the questions of whether or not she still wants to be exclusive? Do I let her know the things I know about her very recent talks with other men? But most of all, since we seem to be back on the right track... at least talking (we did kiss last night too after talking) and going out again... is there anything I should say, do or a way I should act to swing the ball way back into my favor?

 

After all, this was a girl that was head over heals for me up until 4 days ago... wasn't talking to any other guys, and was actually trying to hang out with me every single day!!!

 

There was no clear cut break up, things were weird for three days, and we've seemed to resolve most of it last night (but clearly not everything)... How do I get the girl back that existed 4-5 days ago????

 

Thanks in advance

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To further elaborate how I'm feeling right now...

 

I accept the fact we had a disagreement of sorts, really a misunderstanding on her part most manifested by her psychological issues...

 

I digress though... I fully accept the fact that we are clearly no longer exclusive.

 

I feel like it's back to square one of the dating game, where it's mean trying to win her affection over the other men she might date.

 

I was already the top of the food chain, and I'm not scared of a little competition... but are there any ways to guarantee I get back to the top as soon as possible.

 

We have had a sexual relationship, and honestly, I cannot bare the thought of her having sex with one of these other men... god forbid... ughh.

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Hey there,

 

I am going to hazard a guess and write she has been seeing other men when you were seeing other women. Why did she want to be exclusive you may ask? Perhaps it is a double standard for her, she wants to be free but cannot bear the thought of you being with other women. Kind of like the struggle you are having at the moment.

 

As far as continuing a relationship with her. Hmmm, not sure I would advise that because she obviously wants to keep her options open. If you are cool with her dating other men while you date other women, I'd say continue to date her on a casual basis. But anything serious or long term, I would vote no.

 

Good luck.

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About three weeks ago, she kinda brought up the question if I was seeing anyone else too. I was honest and told her yes.

Good for being honest, and good for you for letting her know she was not the only woman you were considering. I mean, if you were dating these other women, then clearly she was not your first choice. Had you lied, that would have been bad.

 

She accepted this, but in subtle ways she started to apply some pressure to go exclusive. After about three days of this, we had the talk and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

You essentially caved in after three days? So, she applied pressure and you let her change you. This does not bode well. It means you are the kind of guy who is going to kiss up to her and do whatever she wants. No challenge, no self, no ability to be your own person. THAT was your mistake.

 

I find out today through sources of my own that in the 3 days we were not talking, she started talking to 2 other guys and even as recent as today, is planning first dates with them.

What's good for the goose...

 

Now funny, she is suddenly dating these other guys and you want her MORE. Notice how since you stopped dating these other women she wants you LESS? It's because you - and now she - is a challenge. No longer is she so easy to capture - now you have to COMPETE against these other guys. And now you are falling for the laws of attraction - we want what we cannot have.

 

She apologized for ignoring me and said she still wants us to go out, but she understands if I want to date other people again.

Hint, hint, she liked it when you were not so clingy and stuck on her. You're TOO available now.

 

I assured her that that was not the case and I only wanted to date her.

Oops. If you were playing poker, you just showed her all your cards. Who wants to play with someone who is that boring and predictable? You just lost this hand.

 

She assured me she also was not looking for anyone else right now! And today I find out she's given out her phone number to 2 others and agreed to a dinner with one of them!!!

Actions speak louder than words.

 

And now you have some work to do. Without being a jerk, you need to be less available, and completely uninterested in her dating other men. In fact, you should congratulate her for seeking new experiences, and getting a free meal at the same time.

 

Now, this is not a case of immaturity. We are both around 30 years old. She has some serious past issues, actually pyschological... so I'm not sure how to proceed.

That has nothing to do with it. 18 year olds do this, as do 40 year olds.

 

The truth is, I think I'm actually starting to fall in love with her. The smart side of my brain knows this is a situation I should run from and not look back, but my heart is telling me she is a good girl and this can work.

You've got a lot of learning to do. As you become more attracted to her, your actions are scaring her away. You chase, she runs. You back off, and she'll chase you.

 

I've learned a lot from these forums over several months now. One of them is that if you're broken up (or at least one party things you are), you really shouldn't be concerned with what they do during that time.

Actually, you should learn that a break up should be permanent. Mature adults don't use break-ups to solve problems.

 

I also recognize that we haven't been together that long, so a couple dates that might not pan out are not that big of a deal. They still hurt to think about them though after she was the one that pushed for an exclusive deal.

Excuses, excuses. The reality here is that you failed, and she did not like you giving in so easily, so she is shopping around again. You failed to show her that you were a leader, had the confidence to date multiple women, and that you were worthy of her having to work hard to be with you ... after all, if you were dating 3 women, you must be some catch! Not any woman can be with you.

 

Well, until you threw in the towel that is... Now you're just an average Joe.

 

Clearly, we haven't gotten everything from the disagreement resolved, and obviously, something about the way she felt about me has changed.

You changed, and so did her feelings.

 

Learning from mistakes of the past, I'm trying to avoid using logic to sway her decision. You simply can't use logic to combat a decision made on emotion, I know that.

Yup!

 

In addition to all this, what I really want to know from the ladies perspective is this...

You really should seek the advice of men, too... believe me, we can give you the perspective you NEED to know about.

 

We are going out on a date tomorrow night. Do I bring back up the questions of whether or not she still wants to be exclusive?

if you want to be boring, predictable, clingy, and desperate ... everything women hate. Think of dating like a movie - do you really want to be the guy who shouts out the ending before the movie even starts? Do you WANT to be the spoiler? How about a little mystery. How about AVOID the topic?

 

Do I let her know the things I know about her very recent talks with other men?

Why? To let her know that you're creepy and talking about her behind her back? That would be a great way to encourage her to GO on dates, not be with you!

 

But most of all, since we seem to be back on the right track... at least talking (we did kiss last night too after talking) and going out again... is there anything I should say, do or a way I should act to swing the ball way back into my favor?

Yeah, be funny, confident, and DROP THE SERIOUS THERAPY TALK! Go on a date with her, and think what these other guys are doing on their first date. Do you REALLY think they are talking about the other guys and girls they are seeing (a HUGE mistake, BTW.) No, of course not! They are joking, flirting, and having a good time.

 

After all, this was a girl that was head over heals for me up until 4 days ago... wasn't talking to any other guys, and was actually trying to hang out with me every single day!!!

Yeah, and then she realized you're not so hard to get after all.

 

There was no clear cut break up, things were weird for three days, and we've seemed to resolve most of it last night (but clearly not everything)... How do I get the girl back that existed 4-5 days ago????

By being yourself 3-4 weeks ago. Seriously. Who were you?

 

She liked who you WERE. Now go back to being yourself at that point in time. Secure. Confident. Funny. Entertaining. Not buying her time (like a prostitute) but instead spending QUALITY time together.

 

Who were you that she loved? You know. Go be him.

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PacoDiablo.........2 thumbs up

 

Very, very, good post. What great insight on female behaviour..............spot on.

 

The poster "Prime" from the dating thread needs to read this for future use along with another poster that I can't put a name to.

 

Krashburn24, this is also why you dont ask women advice on women. You go ask an experienced male. This could be a good lesson for a lot of men

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