Angry,Upset,and Annoyed

[Anarky]

Ok, hi everyone, i have a bit of a problem, now i looked around the site to find the relevent topic forum for my problem to be posted in. however there isnt one and i found this one the most appropriate.

 

so anyway my problem ill start from the beginning.

 

so 3 years ago ,summer holiday comes around we are planning to go away for 2 weeks break, this girl visits who i havent seen for 4 years now, and she comes on holiday with us, the holiday starts great me and this girl get of great, but then one day, my parents decided to go to the pictures i decline and stay at home, this girl also declines and stays at home, my parents go and my 3 brothers one of which is this girls age , now its just me and her in the caravan alone,...so we are watching TV nothing special, then somthing strange happened that instance one minute we are both watching TV the next we are holding each other and kissing each other. i dont remember how it happened but it just did., now i wouldnt mind, but for the fact that this girl happens to be my very own COUSIN!. yes thats right we are cousins, 1st cousins , after i felt very confused scared there were butterflys in my stomach, but io felt good,...that happened on 3 other occasions in them 2 weeks on holiday and further 3 more times while she was staying at our place. i started to feel somthing for my own cousin was this love or was it an infactuation, but either way , when she left that summer and went back home, i felt heartbroken i felt the pain and i felt like life was meaningless, but i thought this was just a one of it was a mistake and it would never happen again,

 

so next summer comes around , and she comes as expected, i was very anxious to meet her, but when we were reunited times were good, i felt happy again,a week passes and nothing happened we hung out watched TV and did alot of stuff together. but then the week after, it happened again, i found myself in the same situation as i were in the year before it happened far less time than it did the year before, but it was much more intence, she leaves we say our goodbyes and await next year, i feel the pain and emptyness as i did the year before, the pain was unbarable, i wonderd how i would cope for another 12 months until i can see her again.

 

but she comes again, for the summer which was this year by this time i had gotten over her and my love for her had diminished, but i wanted an answer it had been on my mind for years, but i never had the courage to ask,ask if she loved me, why she did the things she did,but as the weeks past by i started to doubt if she ever loved me,. i always hoped she loved me in the same way, nothing really happened this year, there were 1 or 2 occasions nothing much,

 

and when she was gone i started doing some serious thinking, and i relised that i created an illusion, a dream, a fantasy that she loved me back , but i relised that the reliaty was she didnt love me at all, but she was experimenting with me, she didnt see me as a cousin, but just as another guy she can have fun with while shes down here visiting family

now this hit me really hard, i thought to myself ive been used, and it made me very very angry, but the more i thought about it the more i got enraged, , how could somone from your family, your own flesh and blood, use you like that , play with your feelings and emotions and make somone who they are related to feel like this.i sent her birthday cards chrismas cards without as much as a phone call thanking me for them, now am not a nasty person, i consider myself a very loyal and trusting person, but the way this whole ordeal made me feel ,the way SHE made me feel and whatshe put me through , i feel very upset and angry, and really hurt, and i really want to hurt her how she hurt me i feel like i want revenge for once in my life i really feeling like physically hurting somone so bad, i often imagine what i would do to her if she was still here., but i know i wouldnt because deep down somwhere in me i still have a bit of love for her, but at the moment am lost and totally confused i dont no what to do ,i think ahead of next year and wonder what shall i do how shall i deal with my problem ,i really need some sort of guidance and advice . how do i make this end?,this story has been haunting me for 3 years and i really needed to get it ofmy chest, i cant hide it inside me any longer. thank you people of Enotalone for your patients and i hope you can give me some advice. thank you.

[loner]

first let me tell you something about myself... i have been through the same feelings myself. i was in love with this girl, it was magic but then just out of the blue, one day it was all over... and it got me thinking whether she ever loved me or not, coz such a sudden transformation was not likely otherwise... anyway, after this i was filled with anger and hatred so much so that i could even stand seeing any other person happy arounf me, i woould fill up with jealousy and really feel like hurting someone. i started punching walls and broke lot of stuff , just to let off all that steam, but u know what it doesn't really help. May be for a minute or two but then yo start feeling even worse. so its a dead end buddy. anyway, about what u shud do from now on-- i think that it might be a good idea to forget it ever happened, i know its hard and u just can't let it go especially considering the fact that it's been going on for 3 years. chances are talking to her won't help coz judging from what u wrote she never said she loved u in the first place u just hoped she did. and also that u didn't talk to each other often enough, expect for those summer breaks, so dude just consider it as nightmare and try and snap out of it. now u didn't mention ur age, but i am guessing u r pretty young so there is a lot in front of u, u would for sure find someone special who feels the same way for u.

May the force be with u......

P.S. --- Sorry if i offended u in any manner

[Anarky]

yes sorry about that , our age's, well am 17, soon to be 18, shes 15 , yes yer right, i do find myself being quite destructive at time's, most of the time hiting the door or myself to channel anger,...but am rather destructive without even noing it at times..like i start cuting things up with stanly blades and carving stuff into desks ....without relising what ive done,

 

 

its not like that ive missed alot of detail, but we did spend alot off time together, most of the 4-5 weeks she stayed, we spent that time together, we talked and fought alot, ...like play fighting and such. but, shes a really hard personn to cope with, i dont understand her at times shes just a difficult person, when we speak she lies alot, i just thought it was because of our ages and she wanted to look older like she said, she goes clubbing and such 3 times a week gets pissed smokes weed and such, now maybe am wrong maybe she does ? but shes only 15, and she dont even look 15 at that, and theres other things also, maybe she find it hard expressing felings? but she has told me she loved me once, it was 1 year ago summer, we were watching a film in the spare room at my grandmas place what i normally stay in, after the film was finished she closed the curtains upon asking why she said its more romantic.....than we went to it, and she told me she loved me, but i think it was just the spur of the moment , nothing more.

 

but i see what yer saying, thats what i thought, let it blow over, forget about it, get on with life, but for how long? am going to have to face her again some time soon, and chances are things arent going to get better. am going to have to sort this problem out myself, but how? i dont no