Don't know what to do

[coyote99]

My 2 year relationship with my boyfriend ended a few months ago and I am really lost. Things started off great until we had our first fight. I wanted to out with my friends and he got jealous and said"I have seen this kind of behavior before." What the heck is that!! He was also really jelous of my previous 3 year relationship. I told him that I was with him now and not my ex. I tried reassuring him a lot but he still said he didn't want to share me with anyone and that he felt physical pain when I wasn't around. I ended up breaking it off with him because I just couldn't handle it. Was this just a nice guy trying to love someone so much and I just couldn't take it? Well, we got back together after a month or so. He snooped through all my things and found old pics of me and my ex that I still had. They were stuffed away so he had to go looking for them. I had them because I felt that I had a right to. I felt like my ex was a part of my life and who i had become and that i was moving on from it. There were times though when my new bf would get so jelous that I missed my ex terribly because he was never jealous. I knew these feeling were wrong but I still felt them. Anyway, he gave me tons of gifts and when I wouldn't give him the exact appreciation he wanted he would get mad and say he shouldn't have tried so hard and that I didn't appreciate him. I consider myself secure and never overly jealous and if i am jealous it is in a fun playful way. I really love this guy. He suffered from the loss of his mother and a cheating girlfriend at the same time before me. He says he as dealt with all of that in the last 5 years but I feel it is still affecting him. He made comments about my clothes and the people I hung out with. It got to the point were going out with my friends was an escape and I didn't want to ask him with because I was scared they would say something to upset him. What should I do? He broke up with me because he thinks I didn't treat him very good.

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Dear Coyote,

 

First off, after reading your post, i realized how untrusting and obsessive I must have appeared to my own boyfriend in the past. So on his behalf , i'm gonna apologize to you first!

 

Secondly

You know its not often that I get to read a post from someone like you on the other side. I like to call your side the "ACCUSED". My side is the "INSECURE". This young man sounds more then just "insecure" though he sounds a little controlling. Not to alarm you but keep in mind when a man is this controlling sometimes they become borderline, or outright abusinve to there women when she doesnt do any and everthing he demands.

 

Physical pain when you are not around? Humm, that's not just a nice guy, that is not normal to feel this way. He may be suffering from severe depression. Because while i'm a bit of a jealous woman myself, i can honestly say, i have never felt Physical pain when my man is not around. To be honest sometimes, i like to be in my own world in my own space, or at the mall with my girls and have a life outside of he and I's life together.

 

Now another thing I would like to address is the fact that you feel like you treated him badly. I was not physically there , but I can almost guess from the tone of your letter that he was the one mentally and emotionally abusing you. Checking your belonging and envading your privacy. That is borderline, if not actual abuse its self. So while it shows good morals on your part that you feel a little bad, it shows you have a heart, I think you and he being apart is so much healthier for the both of you.

 

He needs to be alone so he can solidify issues within himself. He has very deep rooted control and trust issues and that is a horrible thing.

Sounded to me like he was more obsessed with you then in love! FATAL ATTRACTION! Watch that movie and you'll see.

[charmed]

Hi Coyote,

 

Your ex is an overpossessive guy who lacks in self confidence and self esteem. He is overprotective by nature, and thus didn't want you living without him.

 

I feel sorry that he has went through a bad few years, but you shouldn't be suffering because of him. Stay away from this one - it obviously doesn't make you happy when he acts like this, and unfortunately he won't change in the near future.

 

 

You should always embrace your past and learn to live with the good and bad of it all. Your stash of Photos is a good thing. You should not be afraid of looking at them.

 

He broke off with you - consider yourself luck then. I was once similar to this guy, and he may not have let go easily if it was you trying to push him away.

 

Hope this helps you some,

[netman]

Coyote, your ex is exactly the type of guy that I'm trying not to be anymore. Through this site I've progressed greatly and I've learned how insecurity, co-dependence and emotional attachment on his part, and past experiences all affect the jealous mind. In my view and from personal experience, being jealous and/or having jealous thoughts is not a decision that we make. All jealous people would love to switch it off or rid it overnight, but the truth is that is doesn't work that way. There's no "cure" for a jealous mind. He really has to work on his self-esteem and self value so that he doesn't have to here you validate his worth all the time.

 

I don't think you should even consider getting back with your ex. if he doesn't admit that he's the one with the problem and that he needs help. He will never be happy and never be satisfied with you. On top of that he'll always compare you to the girl that cheated on him in the past, and in his head he'll always feel justified in his jealousy and accusations. He broke up with you because he probably felt that you didn't love and reassure him enough, which all us jealous people constantly need, and it'll never be enough. I too have had thoughts of breaking it off with my g/f because of this reason but I know better now.

 

Reading your post made me realize a quality in my self that I have to work on. I recently put a post stating how I thought my g/f was not romantic enough and stuff like that, but yet she calls me like 3 times a day to tell me that she loves me and that's still not enough for me; I feel so ungrateful now. She tries in her little ways, but in my head I guess I've convinced myself that if she's not very romantic with me then she doesn't love me THAT much. It took your post to realize how wrong and unfair I've been; so in a funny way this post of you reaching out for help has helped me. I LOVE THIS SITE!!!

[SweetypieEnlightenedOne]

Wow,

 

Everyone, I just wanted to say how proud of netman i am. I know that this was not easy for him to come out and speak about his insecurities and then give advice on them. However i am very touched by his reply. Good work net man...good work!