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Showing results for tags 'toxic'.
I fear that this will seem as if it is a long ramble so I will apologise for that first. I believe I live with a narcissist, many times I have considered our home environment as 'toxic'. We broke up for a long time before getting married where I spent a lot of time working through my faults and failings... as well as the things my husband (then bf) would tell me was wrong about me. Since then, we have got married, had children and have a home together. Life was good, as we all know, throw children into the mix and things get even more complicated when the narcissist isn't the centre of the partner's eye anymore and focus switches to the little people in our lives. I feel that I have devoted myself to our family. Giving up a career to be at home with our children; I wanted to be there for them, however we don't have the money for childcare others do and it was very much implied once I'd had children that going back to work wouldn't be an option as he wouldn't help with our kids. After 10 years of devoting myself to our family, as well as his own family I am feeling lost and of course it is the wonderful 'Family at Christmas' issue that has thrown me into despair once again. I have married into a family of narcissistic males. Their mother died a few years ago and since then the egos have really taken over. I was very close to my mother in law and witnessed her decline where they weren't able to actually give her emotional support and at times, the lack of care was shocking. I would do what I could but it was always made clear that it had nothing to do with me. For all the years we have been together my husband's work and his family come first. He doesn't take any time off with me and the kids, only times he'll be with us is if it's a family occasion, if it's my family there will be some reason he can't make it or is late or he'll dominate the occasion, when it's his family, me and our children are almost wheeled out as the picture perfect family and the issues are masked. After years of spending Christmas focussing on and hosting his family I really felt that this year, it could just be me, my husband, our children and my parents and one of the other sons could host my father in law however once again they have all held their hands up and said "nah, we're all away so it's on you" I have always just rolled over and said that he can't be alone at Christmas and have him, but every year it is a disaster. He's late. He doesn't bring gifts. He sits at the table and treats me like a slave. He and my husband chat non stop and just leave everything else to me and quite frankly ruin Christmas for me and our children. Then the calls come in from abroad from the other sons and their wives, while muggins here gets treated like dirt by all of them. I know I have left it too late to have any say in all of this, but quite honestly, I just want to tell my husband that if he wants to see his dad at Christmas then he is to go there alone and I'll host my parents with my children at home. The thought of it all is making me feel physically unwell, I don't want to see my father in law at Christmas. Now the final point is, which makes it all the more confusing... My father in law drives my husband mad when he sees him, because he's always late, because he never brings our children presents, because he never mucks in. All the things that my husband gets driven mad by are the very things that drive me mad... they are also traits I see in my own husband. He always says that he's had enough of it always falling to us. Then I get upset about it all and then it's ME that gets made out to be the one causing issues by getting upset at the toxic nature of his family. I don't want my father in law here for Christmas, but if he doesn't come to us, then he's alone because none of the other sons put any effort in at all. My husband never takes time off apart from Christmas and it always falls to us. I can't take it anymore. I can't deal with the stress of saying "yes, he can come" only for it to make my husband in a horrible mood with me and the kids when it's not us who have caused the problems. I can't deal with the guilt I'll be loaded with if I say "no! not this year! I want a break from the drama" I can't deal with being the one who is always at fault, always to blame for problems. I just want a nice Christmas for me and our children without all the drama and with my parents who actually help out! I know that if I put my foot down, he'll be horrible towards me. I just feel that whatever I do I'm wrong. In my inlaws eyes and seemingly my husbands eyes, I'm not worthy of taking any time off, neither our our children and we are not worthy of having a restful Christmas. I am not a slave and deserve to have a Christmas where I'm not demeaned, mocked, sneered at or made out to be the villain when other people are causing issues. I'm going on and I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense. I'm so upset. I am suck a mug and just don't know what to do for the best, for me, for our children and for the future of our marriage. I should add that I have been trying to get my husband to go to therapy with me but he simply won't commit to it.
My wife and I were living in Japan for quite awhile. We got married there and had two children. After the extremely lengthy visa process, my wife finally was granted a visa and we've moved to America. While living in Japan, I barely made enough money to survive. The last couple years there I was only able to get by because of the US stimuli and the Japanese stimuli. Without those, we would have been in some hot water. Anyway, we made it to America, and I just got a job. It pays much better than my Japanese job, but I can't really afford much, due to inflation and all that. My parents helped us to move to America, and we are living with them. My wife doesn't have a driver's license here, nor does she have a job. Even if she got all those things, we'd have to put the kids in daycare which, in Japan, was like $300/month total, for both kids. Here, it's around $1,000/month per kid. Crazy. So, she is just staying at home, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of the kids. However, my mother is driving her crazy. She is insulting her cooking, insisting that she is raising the kids incorrectly, and just making nasty comments that hurts my wife's feelings. My wife ends up crying every night. At the same time, she tries to not let it show. So, when I said that I would confront my mother and try to get her to stop, my wife refused the help, telling me that she would be upset if I said anything; she just wants to leave. Even so, I can't afford an apartment yet, with the crazy inflated prices. What should I do to deal with my toxic mother?
Hey everyone! You know that meme “asking for a friend”….this is actually for a friend haha. My friend Alex has been on and off with his girlfriend Cara for a little over a year. He started dating her pretty quickly after his divorce (he had been married with kids since he was about 21, and doesn’t like to be alone. He is now 38. Cara has also been married before but has no kids). In the beginning, he did notice some red flags, but he brushed them off because of that new feeling, and told himself he was overreacting. Also because of that honeymoon phase, he did some dreaming out loud with her, as naive as it was. They talked about maybe wanting to get married one day and have a house, etc. It could always happen. No promises, but who knows? These two are truly on and off. Cara is possessive and controlling. Alex is accommodating and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or be alone. Cara is incredibly jealous of his relationship with the mother of his children, though it is legitimately only a coparenting one. But she makes it impossible. She demands that he speak to the mother of his children THROUGH CARA. Also, she is jealous of his friends. Not even just the female ones (he can’t have female friends at all). But even the male ones seem to be a threat to her. You can see some resentment she has for his kids also. But she hides it by being fake to them. Any time he has summoned the courage to actually get away from her, she will use what makes his heart bleed to guilt him. She’s gone so far as to say she went to the doctor and got diagnosed with something “worrisome”. Once they were “ok” again, it magically went away. Or another time something horrible happened with her family, and she couldn’t do it alone supposedly. Again, it seemed to be nonexistent once he was back in her grip. He knows this relationship is over, but he is having the hardest time leaving it. He’s always had issues with guilt. Now she’s telling him he lied to her at the beginning about what he wanted and making him feel bad about that. Implying what a horrible man he is for misleading her about what he wanted. As if he’s not allowed to change his mind. Also, it’s as if he should be obligated to stick to that daydream. They fight every single night. He drinks to cope with having to live like this. He’s miserable and I’m worried about him, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s affecting everything in his life. Slowly the awesome parts of who he is are disappearing and he’s become a depressed shell. What would you do? Any tips? What advice would you give him? Anything at all would be appreciated. Please help me help him!! Thank you. Desparate to Help My Dude