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About Me

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  1. I don't think im very good but my counselor said its a good way to free my emotions Cold nights make me come to terms with the burn I gave myself no amount of money equals the wealth I felt when I held yourself now I have no live with the hand I delt myself so weather its a poker hand with 5 joker guys or a craps roll with snake eyes I did this to myself now I cry cold lonley and by myself hoping we have a child and I can make up for my past self
  2. So I’ve been doing research into how to improve my self esteem. I came across a “celebrity therapist” and hypnotherapist named Marisa Peer. She has a lot of videos on YouTube and has done Ted talks etc. Her theories seem to make so much sense but I’m struggling with her claim that she has transformed severely ill patients after a few sessions by treating the 3 core causes of their issues, rather than the symptoms of their depression etc. I have been trying out one of her practices for the last few days and I’ve got to say, I do feel a lot better and that’s making me consider purchasing one of her courses (she has free short ones I could trial I think). I can’t find much evidence of her being a therapist etc as google searches come up with mostly her videos and website but her courses etc have been reviewed with high ratings on blogs etc. So I’m wondering if anyone here has tried her courses etc and could vouch for her or say actually she’s a self inflated phony? I know the few reviews I’ve found on blogs are good but I’m skeptical, they could have been given it for free and felt obligated to give it a good review. Thanks
  3. I was wondering if there are any opinions on Enotalone forum online. I googled them and I'm surprised. I understand everywhere people tend to give some % of negative reviews - after all, people who are dissatisfied (justly or unjustly) have more motivation to write about it. But I'm surprised there are almost no positive reviews for so many people feeling hurt. I understand people here are not professionally qualified to help and they dedicate their own personal time for free to help out somebody. It's a kind thing to do, as risky as it is to give strangers advice. However, having read the opinions, I have now doubts if this community has the healthy dynamics that people asking for advice need. The problems seem to be: - Moderation - close to 100% of reviewers are deeply unsatisfied with moderation, saying banning is too restrictive and there is no discussion possible after being banned. Some users comment on unhealthy power balance. - Insensivity - various terms including accusations of systematic cyberbulling in private and public talk. Some quotes I found on review pages: "A lot of individuals on that forum lack patience, compassion, and open-mindedness-- all qualities important for a healthy, lasting relationship. If everyone listened to their advice, no one would be in a relationship." "So the purpose of this app is to vent and my express your feelings. Well on here it's not happening as majority of the people are very judgmental!" "(...) thin skinned people who give bad advice and are most likley bitter on life. " " First few times I used this site, it was good. People were nice and actually gave good advice. Then everyone started giving bad advice and on top of that they gang up on you like you're the bad guy when you were the OP and just want advice. They were mean and rude and turn up against you and says it very bluntly that's its your fault. Yes maybe it is, but help guide someone to make the right decisions not freaking just blame it on them and there also very one sided." "(...) and they do this by berating posters who they perceive as either not being as strong as the supposedly healed berater or as being someone who represents the person who hurt the berater in the past" "made me feel harassed" "the people on there just tore me apart verbally" "(...) were incredibly rude and intentionally used it for nothing more than a platform on which to cyber bully. " "eNotAlone. You have made me feel more alone than ever" "You are NOT getting advice from any of the professionals" "However, the people usually just bring out the negative and leave it at that." "the people that post the most are very insensitive and suggest just about everyone who is the OP to seek therapy. Everyone should have a therapist yes. But the way they go about it is just disrespectful. " "Very few solutions are ever presented and relentless attacks to the OP are a given." Like I said, I understand that some people are bitter after not hearing what they intended to hear, etc. but the opinions are just so consistent. I used this forums many times over years. Sometimes as an advice seeker, sometimes I got advice that helped me to make decisions, some advice made me feel bad for a few days, but I always was grateful for people's time and thought it's about my bad chemistry with some people, or you know, my psychological mechanisms, not about the general forum dynamics. I've been a few times the advice giver as well. How do you feel as advice givers on this forum, if this is apparently the impression of so many forum users? :( I'm not sure if I could do it anymore after reading that. I feel incredible guilt about idea of overusing my psychology degree to help people in ways that do not help them. While I know people here want to something good by helping others, there may be some group dynamics on this forum as well, a specific forum culture encouraging judgement/talking down to people as a means to "shake them", and other things a professional psychologist or a therapist is trained not to do with their client. Or some trends of advice in general. We are social beings after all and every group is influenced by mechanisms studied by social psychology, and not all of these mechanisms are positive. How do you feel about it all? Do you feel with all your heart it's ethical for you to participate in a forum that while wants to help, apparently also hurts so many people? :( Do you think it could be that the "harshness" that is in fact not therapeutic (as so many users claimed in these reviews) but coming from advice giver's personal needs, is somehow encouraged in this community? That the feeling of pride of being an active member for a long time, of wanting to be "the star" of community somehow makes people less focused on the individual needs of the vulnerable person? In my opinion, every good helper is a person open to feedback they get back. A person who reflects on it and tries to change something to do better next time. If you are convinced ENA community does way more good than harm, do you have some reflections what could be changed for the future to make people more emotionally safe? Would it be possible to have a section of the forum dedicated to feedback and open discussion what could be enhanced here, for these hurt users to have a space for speaking freely? Thank you for reading and reflection.
  4. If you were dating someone or were friends with someone and they eventually opened up to you and told you about their past (ex: had flings with married people, cheated on a SO, etc), would you hold it against them and would you let that affect how you viewed the friendship/relationship from then on? ALTHOUGH, since you've known them, they have been model citizens and never repeated their past actions. I realize that a lot of your past behaviours do predict how you will be in the future but it doesnt predetermine that you WILL be like that, it just shows how your past was. People CAN change, esp with therapy and with self-realization and the desire to change. I just wanted to know if people would prejudge a friendship or relationship based on someone's past, esp after some time has passed and the friend or SO opened up to the person and told them about their past.
  5. I’ve been obsessed with the news because of the date. I couldn’t sleep the night of 9/11. I haven’t been able to for 4 years now on that date. I stay up all night until the wee hours of the morning awaiting another devastating tragedy. As if the terrorists would have the ability to pull off another 9/11 on 9/11. However, my heart beats quickly, my pulse rises and my fear is only exacerbated by the heightened news coverage and reflection. In addition to this phenonomen, I have been experiencing unexplainable happiness at the same time. I first went through a plummeting depression last week until the weekend when I got an opportunity to sort through my feelings verbally with my SO. Once the conversation started, it was as if all my concerns and flirtations with separation with my SO began disappearing as soon as words began to be spoken. It’s funny how verbal communication transcends so much internal chaos. It is also scary to me – am I just allowing myself to be fooled by words? Are my internal instincts the ones I should follow, regardless of any verbal communication I might have? Do I construct and construe the words to fit my solution even though they really do not? Do I make the words into beautiful flowers instead of ragging weeds? I could wrap my mind around this conundrum for centuries if I allowed myself to. However, I will buy into the delusion that this is not a delusion and that I am not deluding myself. On the other side of my depression, as alluded to aforehand, I have been experiencing gratitude of colossal proportion in regards to my family. I have felt so close to my family, so connected. I am bursting with love and gratitude. I am Bi-Polar. I am not taking my meds. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I want to be normal. I feel better not taking them. I fear this is a fallacy (not taking them and feeling better) and I try to remember the dark days of just two years ago. The suicide attempt. I also remember the inexplicable feelings of torment, torture, confusion, grief, delirium, hallucinations, distorted perception, absolute panic of just one year ago. I never want to feel that way again, but I am so tired of feeling depressed. Anyway, I feel the torment, torture, confusion, grief, delirium and distorted perception on the meds; I just don’t feel the happiness. I want to feel the happiness I’ve been experiencing off my meds. I feel like I think clearer. I feel clearer. My imagination is sparked. Ideas are flowing so incredibly fast out of me that I can hardly keep up. In a clinician’s view, this may be interrupted as mania. I agree with the theory that mentally ill people see things that others don’t. We feel things others don’t. Thus, the interpretation that we are different, wrong, ill, sick, needing help and recovery may be an erroneous assumption. Maybe we are normal and you guys are sick. I have been feeling numb about my body until late last week. For about a month, I felt what I call “normal” about my weight. I felt like I wasn’t super skinny, or fat by any means. I was comfortable in my own skin. It was very scary for me. I just don’t feel that way. I feel fat most of the time. Last year I came to a point where I knew I was too big (size 5/6, 7/8) but just accepted it (for the most part). Then I went through my weight loss with the drug use and simmered in the glory of my bones. I was obsessed with my thinness. I praised, glorified and worshiped my lack of fat hanging off my body. (size ¾, nicely) Gradually, I gained the weight back (size 5/6, 7/8), I was devastated. I considered getting on a cocaine diet. I lost the weight using a low carb diet. I gained some back. I didn’t care. I felt numb and scared that I felt numb. I couldn’t tell where my body was. I can’t explain this exactly in words but I’ll try. I couldn’t feel myself. I couldn’t tell where, or if, my fat was. I couldn’t convince myself that I was “overweight”. I was scared because I knew I wasn’t “skinny” either. All that changed however and now I’m back to being fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Porky me. Moo. Moo. Big Fat Moo Cow. Fat rolls over my waist line. My profile is that of a pregnant woman. My face is fat. My chins roll off me like a mud slide. My indentations in my butt and the back of my thighs look like somebody hit me with a bag of quarters. My clothes don’t fit. I can’t stop eating. I want to starve for just a bit to lose this mass of extra, useless flesh. I can’t. I’m weak. I have no will power. I’m a pig. I hate being fat. I hate being lazy. I hate eating. Ideas have been pouring out of me though. So many that I can’t do anything about any of them. The painful truth is that even if only one idea seeped out, I wouldn’t do anything about it anyway. So frustrating to have so many good inventions and business ideas and not have the ability to implement any of them. Maybe I have the ability, if I applied myself, but I don’t apply myself. Anyway, this is my recap of where I’ve been. Also, I want to make note that Dr. B. (My Psychiatrist) refused my Lamictal due to not seeing the therapist. What the **** does a therapist have to do with chemically changing my brain? I have told her over the last three visits that I’m not doing very well. That I don’t think the meds are working all the way. That I’m depressed and am having feelings that are out of whack and out of control. She says “You can probably work through a lot of that with your therapist”. “I don’t think that is a med related issue.” **** you. **** you. **** you. I know me. I know the meds aren’t sufficient. I know a change needs to be made. Therapy won’t help jack ****. Robin’s a * anyway and we never get anything really accomplished. I tell her how I feel, I cry a bit, she says blah, blah, blah and I leave. Another fantastic session. **** therapy. So, was this random or what?
  6. well, i'm throwing in the towel. i've written numerous posts here about my latest relationship. i've been focused on what i could do to make things better.........and i've realized it's not about me..........it's about my ex-gf. a little history. i got out of a 6-year relationship last december. it was very sad and difficult. 2 months later, i met my recent ex. she seemed really nice and cool and i enjoyed her personality. after i started having feelings for her, i realized she had lied to me about certain aspects about herself. i was hurt but tried to forgive them as the lies seemed to be because of her low self-esteem rather than just malicious lies to hurt me. we moved forward. things were looking better. then we had an argument and she tried to kill herself with pills. she almost died but her therapist thinks it was mostly for attention - not really to die. i supported her all through that - being in the er with her that day, icu, and then visiting and calling her when she was kept in the psych unit for a few days. i was always there for her when she needed me. after that, she went through a training program for a job. she was unable to get a job from it but a month ago got a different kind of job. so she's working for the first time since i've known her. anyway, we've had some rough spots, some temporary breakups and each time they are worse - becuase of her. she avoids, runs - and i find it to be selfish and inconsiderate. she never says, "hey, i need some time to sort things out, but i'll be in touch". she just stops answering my calls and my messages. like i don't exist. that's not love. i've been afraid to leave the relationship because i fear the loneliness, but now i am ready to move on. she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder stemming from her crappy childhood - and my therapist told me yesterday that they are not capable or really loving someone and that they view other people as objects who are not allowed to have thoughts and feelings. i've been so upset, especially by having to deal with some things from my long-term breakup that i avoided by getting in this new relationship that i feel very sad and lonely. anyway, i began zoloft. i've never taken any of those kinds of medications but i felt it would help - at least in the short term with my weekly therapy as well. it already has seemed to help my obsessive thoughts about the inner workings of this failed relationship.
  7. ok so today im at school, i woke up late so i barely made it but i didnt really care too much. i get there and every thing is cool. out of nowhere every one is talking about me, laughing at me, my head swells their voices are so loud and one voice i cant connect to a face screaming "F you your a loser their laughing at you your just a joke" that voice gets louder and louder and i cant stop it. finally i grab this kid by the neck slam him to the wall and bit his face and shook him like crazy then i left i stayed 2 more periods and left at lunch. im walking home past an elementary school and i look at the playground.i hear gunshots, i swear they were real and the sky was glowing red and the playground looked like a battle feild. i was freaking out, this is not a good thing i dont think i dont know what caused it but im totally freaked out and i hate pretty much every one. any advice on what i can do without implicating meds, or docs therapists and whatnot? i really need help -stitcheS
  8. I feel like I'm living in a foreign country everyday, surrounded by people who speak another language. They can't understand me and I can't understand them. I feel alone. Lately, the only peace I get comes from hiding in movies or work. I exercise a lot but yesterday, at the school's fitness center, I ran into the girl I became friends with last year, fell in love with, was bluntly rejected by, and soon after hated by. I am hated by everyone there now too - a place I have to attend for two more years. They all look right through me as if I am not there. Elaborate thoughts of how to end my life occupy my mind. If I were with a therapist, he or she would ask me if I had a plan (just as their manuals tell them to ask), and if I were to be honest with them, I would say yes. I would say a closed vehicle, carbon monoxide released via the combustion of coal. I would say that detectors with three digit digital readouts are readily available at any hardware store. The problem is that such detectors have only three digit readouts and I would have to take readings from outside the car and produce some sort of algorithm by taking measurements over time to predict how long it would take for the inside of the car to have 6800 ppm of carbon monoxide so that I would fall asleep in less than 30 minutes. Even people that I thought were the best friends I could ever have, have given up on me as a lost cause - a person who can't be consoled or cheered up with a tap on the chin and a comment of buck up, things will get better. They never have gotten better only worse overall - each new day brings more pain and the only certainty over the last 10 years has been that I will cry myself to sleep and dream of people telling me I'm not good enough, or worse dream about being happy and loved only to lose it at daybreak. I wish they could stop looking through me, I wish they could stop me and look into my eyes. I want them to know I am a good person, I want someone to love me and miss me. I want to LIVE or DIE because I am tired of being stuck in the middle. I don't want drugs or therapy, I just want someone sit with me on a couch and fall asleep in my arms. That's my cure - but it's one I can't seem to find. Am I not worthy of it? Am I a bad person for not wanting to be alone everyday? I hate this - what I am doing right now because this is why I lost all my friends - I COMPLAIN all the time. I don't want to complain, I don't want to be a burden, but it's all I know how to do when I don't have what I need to feel alive and happy. Someone out there give me a solution that isn't Copied and Pasted - something I haven't heard a hundred times before. Tell me where and how I can find someone. Tell me how to make life a better option than death in a car, in the middle of the woods with the radio set on repeat. Please.
  9. I'm living day by day focusing on me but it hurts that the friends I thought I had abandoned me! All of them. It frustrates me that all the time I spent being there for them, talking to them when they called etc etc. Yet now they've all grown away from me. Last night I tried reaching every single person on my cell, either people were busy or they weren't even answering their phones.I even tried calling people I haven't talked to in a long time & yet no answer. After realising I reached everyone I broke down & cried, I was actually thinking about killing myself for a brief moment but I snapped out of it. I looked in the yellow pages & I did talk with some sort of counselor over the phone. She did tell me that now is the time to focus on yourself & maybe it was for the best that I'm alone now to get myself together.I'm trying to figure out about how I'm going to see a counselor without my mom knowing. She'd go ballistic. Right now, I lack motivation because I feel like what should I work so hard for really? To achieve what you want & to die alone? I feel like an outcast because no one understands me. I think god is trying to tell me something but I'm confused on this religion aspect. In the last week, At least 3 people have stopped me to either tell me their life stories about them having god back in their life & how their life has changed for the better.Then all of them would tell me to take time out for him. Then while I was working a day ago, there was a magazine that was on the ground & it just happened to be on a page about Jesus & accepting him as you lord & savior. Maybe these are just concidences & I'm making something out of nothing. I really think god is trying to wake me up.I really don't know much about religion & to be honest I have lost faith in god. I try but I don't know if he exists or not anymore. I try to read the bible & I try to understand but nothing. Earth is like hell to me really. Everything is just so wrong. I mean there's so much hatred,violence & corruption in almost everything.It makes me not want to be here seriously. I just wish there was a place that everything made sense, everyone is happy & carefree. LOL I know there's no such place like that. After years of being told your ugly,your lame & doing absolutely nothing with your life drains your soul & your heart.I'm very bitter that I'm alone & miserable when all I ever did was try to be a good person. It hurts even more that the heartless people seem to suceed in life, the ones that told you all of those things in the first place. I think tomorrow, I'm going to my local library.So I can just delve into reading & just focus on myself being alone. I want to be alone to an extent right now. My mother told me that reading is good for you. It boosts your vocabulary & you gain knowledge. I'm not a book person & I can't ever seem to focus as reading makes me sleepy. But it gives me something to do I suppose. I'm actually thinking about changing my clothing to a more darker style. Black clothing. More of a gothic type look to express the mood I'm in I suppose. I know this part seems weird. If I'm different, I might as well show it inside & out. My journey is far from over but I hope it's progressing at least somewhat..
  10. After 23 years of marriage, I discovered that my husband has been having an affair for the past 6 years with a particular person. I am of course shocked, hurt and angry. Within days of this discovery, I asked him to stop seeing her and to come with me to see a marriage counselor to see if we can save our marriage. He agreed to stop seeing her, and called her to break it off that very day. For the month following, he was obviously miserable, and said that giving her up was the hardest thing he had ever done. In that month, he "shared" certain details of their relationship that were extremely hurtful to me, in the name of "honesty". Now, he has begun seeing her again, but keeps repeating that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I can't believe it's happening, but he is hoping that I'll get over this hurt with time and realize that what we have is so precious that I'll accept the fact that he will continue to see her. We 're still seeing a therapist, but my life is a living hell - can't sleep, crying frequently, feelings of hopelessness, etc. I realize that I'm still in the "post-traumatic" stage, and am reluctant to make a decision of whether to stay or go until I can think more clearly. But I can't continue to suffer like this either. Does anyone have any words of advice for me? Pam
  11. Hi. I have been with my girlfriend for over 8 years. I met her when I was 23 and she was of the same age. Over the years, we haven't had the same fire we did when we were younger, but have come to be comfortable with each other. I have taken her for granted and my actions (or lack of) has shown it. The past couple of years, we've been talking about marriage and "the ring". I recently found out that she does not want the ring because she feels that she had to "ask" for it and she feels she shouldn't have to beg for it. I didn't feel that she begged for it or asked for it. In fact, she knows I've been working with a jeweler on getting her one! Well, about 6 weeks ago, she told me that she may have issues, on how she copes or deals with problems. I didn't understand but I told her that I would give her the time necessary to "fix" this. She has been seeing a therapist for about 4-5 sessions now and found that she deals with problems with me as she does with her dad. She mentioned something about how she copes with issues and that she doesn't communicate it effectively. She avoids problems with me and does not bother to tell me what's wrong. Instead, she holds it inside, and never lets me know of the issues, or things that I've done wrong. The fact that we can't even talk about it, really makes me feel helpless. For the past 2 years, she has learned through talking to her therapist, she has been holding resentment towards me. She told me that she wanted me to feel like I was part of her family. I have made efforts to see them weekly with her and even visit when she is not able to. She brings up a time when I was not there for her (when her grandmother took a fall and was sent to the hospital). I was experiencing a migraine at the time and said I would go either later that evening or in the morning. I now know that since then, she has trust issues with me because "i wasn't there for her". After that incident, I have truly made efforts, by visiting her grandmother (even without her), and going to dinners with the family. She acknowledges my efforts, but it doesn't matter it seems. I love this woman and I have sent her an email telling her that I'm willing to work things out. Even seeing a therapist together. But how can a person who holds resentment towards you, would want to work things out? Should I even "stick around" and see if she even wants me back again? She did mention that if roles were switched, she would not stick around, and she would move on. I recently asked her if we were still together or not. And she couldn't answer that. I asked her if she wanted me to still be around, and she replies with this disclaimer, "I can't guarantee you anything." I understand she's focusing on herself, so how much time should I give her? 3months? 6 months? Is time the only thing that can heal? Is there anything I should or should not do? Thanks for listening
  12. I have been lurking around this site for the last 2.5 months and reading mostly the "feel good " posts and Man ,just as it says "feel Good" it does feel good to read them.It helps even more than what professionals say because it comes from your heart and you even don't get paid for it but the amount of relief I could possibly get is measured much more than GOLD. I live in the Middle-east and I'am not even American but all our breaks ups are so alike and the pain is just the same and this just goes to endorse that we as a civilisation are so much alike. My marriage broke up early July and its been such a painful ride since then.I went thru all the phases of Begging,pleading,crying,bargaining blar blar blar but only if I knew how it works but thats the past and I just consider it something that had to happen.After about 20 days of trying I straight away went into the NC mode and a few days later she moved out of the house with all her belongings.It hurt like a thousand daggers all at once but I mantained NC since then.I'am alive and am healing. The positives that have come out of the break up is that I've been a smoker for the last 15 years and have never tried quitting.This was the best time to do so and its been 2 months thats i've smoked my last cigarette (even stopped drinking).Now here's the reasoning behind that, the pain of this break up is much much more than the pain of not having a drink or smoking a cigarette so this is best possible time in your life u could get to stop. I have NEVER gone to a gym or have I done any sort of excersises except in School but its been 02 months and Lord I,am in awesome shape.My belly's gone, my biceps look great and now I just can't wait for my daily dose of excersise.I sweat it out an hour daily.Feel awesome but hey the pain always lurks somewhere but look at the positives. We aren't as lucky as you guys in the US or the west where u have fantastic networks or entertainment to get your mind of some of the pain atleast and the place I live in is the worst place you could ever survive with a break up.We do not have any sort of therapists,councellors,pubs or whatever so I have been reading all of your posts day in and day out and this has been my therapy and I know I will survive (I'am alive and kicking now).Everything I've learnt after my break up is from you'll.I mean EVERYTHING. remember that this is the ONLY time you need the best of your health to recover.Let you health body help your mind heal. I know this pain will take a while to go but then they never said it would be a joy ride.Just acknowledge the fact that it'll hurt like a MOFO before it gets over. My marriage lasted 03 years and I wish it could be any different but it was never planned that way by the good lord I guess. My prayers from "Lord, let me get my ex. back" has now changed to "Lord give me the wisdom to move forward and help all those in my situation" You will all be fine no matter how bad your break up (I didn't give u the details of my break up but it has been hurtful to the CORE and has shaken every nerve or cell or my body so please do not think for a moment that I have taken it all well but as of now yes I'm doing fine thanks) and we all will heal.
  13. I'm a newbee. 3 weeks ago, My g/f of 2 years broke up with me saying "I can't do it anymore," and "I finally chose me." It's not as harsh as it sounds...she still says she loves me, and I love her. We are both divorced with kids and 40+. She is a counselor, and when we met I was still on the rebound from my last g/f. It was very tough, but I think we worked our way through this rough initial phase. She made it clear that she didn't want to be my counselor-she wanted to be my lover. I completely agreed with this, but she really encouraged me to share my problems with her at the same time. She told me several times during our time together that her pattern has been to run away when things got too emotionally intense. As time went on, I had many problems with my career...I had to leave one job due to an intolerable new boss who put me on an intolerable schedule. My g/f's ex husband (who is now actually deceased, and was a cold, man who didn't like sex) quit his job when they were married, and she wound up supporting the family for like 15 years or something. I did find another position 2 months later....but this job (through no fault of my own) got downsized into a part time thing. Well after I told her this news..we had a beautiful, loving weekend (no problems in the bedroom at all) and on the next Monday, she is ultra crabby and negative on the phone. I was too. I'm trying to keep this brief-but it's hard. All in all we had a tremendously loving and close relationship. The next day she calls to break it off-citing the loss of my last job as the reason. Two days later I got a new, secure job. I take responsibility for my "neediness," and through much reading and therapy I believe I have made tremendous progress. I have not hounded her or begged her...I have given her space. I did cry when she told me the news-and so did she.It is really hard-since we were together for a long time and talked every day. I saw her in church about a week after the split, and she was crying and said she was grieving. I was supportive and brief with her and gave her a hug in the parking lot-and left. A week later I called her to make arrangements to pick up my bike. She sounded angry on the phone, complained about her job and her daughter.. but she was civil towards me. We set up a time for that Thursday for me to get my bike and I asked her if we could go to a nearby part...just to talk and catch up. She agreed. So during the time we've been apart, I am working on my self-esteem and assertiveness. I get to her house, and I am in really good shape emotionally. She is not. She is crying and tells me she can't go to the park and says why don't we just talk here. So I am very calm, but I do tell her that I want to see her when she's ready. I told her we needed to go out and have fun again. She agreed with me. She also said that she felt like my "Mom" during our time together..I didn't get defensive or anything..but I think it was obvious to her that I had changed-she even mentioned that my energy was different. She also told me that she has a habit of going with guys she thinks she can "fix." And then when they improve (always because of their own efforts) she feels like they won't need her anymore. I told her how unhealthy this was. She seemed genuinely pleased with my new "take charge" approach-and it was not an act, this is how I am living my life now. Soooo...She tells me she doesn't know when she'll be ready to go out again...she tells me how hot the sex was....tells me she still loves me...we have a nice kiss before I leave. So now, despite my self-improvement progress, I am still in a lot of pain over her, and she takes up a lot of room in my head...but I am able to go to work and get things done. I have decided to have no contact with her for one month, then call her and go have lunch or coffee and see if we can salvage this. I know this was a long post, but I needed to adequately explain things.
  14. I have been married for over 20 years to someone of the rebound from a relationship in my senior year in high school. Took 2.5 years to get over her. Then I met my wife and decide to get married. We have had a tumultuous marriage off and on, but I have stuck it out for the kids. She is a good person, but I really am not in love with her anymore, but she does not know that. Really fell out 6-7 years ago. I have talked to her many times, but sccumb to the tears. Well a few months ago my ex girlfriend contacted me and we talked and we both regret splitting up. We each never really forgot each other. We still Love each other deeply. We have not seen each other. I can't do that cuz I am married. She won't do it either cuz she has good values too. I have been soooo love sick for her since. We stopped talking because it was just too hard on each of us. We both want so bad to be together again. I have talked to therapists and it just doesn't get any better. How bad is divorce anyway? Will it screw up my finances? How much would it all cost? The kids ar older and it wouldn't affect them as bad as if they wer younger. I can't stop thinking about her...It's making me sick. I have lost almost 30 lbs. What to do? I am done with therapy sessions.
  15. I wish to hell she would call. Not one email, call, text...nothing in almost a month. The breakup was amicable. Lots of crying and hugs and kisses. SHe even said she was open to reconciling....just couldn't say when. I know this is pathetic sounding....but how long do I wait? I feel pretty strong when it comes to NC...I have friends/family and a counselor who supports me. I know everyone is different and I acknowledge my neediness in the relationship..but she is a warm loving, highly sensitve person. It seems impossible to me that she would just drop offf the face of the earth. Ideas?
  16. Wondering about my sanity. Have been having a relationship for 4 or so years. The man is not a nice man. He has many different faces to the one that I am in love with. We have had verbal and physical abuse running through our relationship virtually since the offset, and have both played it down. Although we have spent a huge effort on destroying each other within a relationship sense , we have both grown remarkably in other areas of our lives, and been supportive of each other. I had therapy for most of last year to try and understand myself and my reactions a bit more clearly,this was a hugely pos thing for me, and life feels a whole lot sweeter and clearer since. I goad this man and try and make him want to rectify his past mistakes. I want him to change and clear up all the nasty little bits that hang about inside him. He is one man for me, and somebody completely different when we are around other people. He cannot cope with intimacy, and will throw a destructive tantrum when he accidently lets himself go that little bit. He always seems to seek approval from new friends and tries to impress, when the truth is he is wonderful when he doesnt do that He refuses to get counselling as he doesnt htink it is worthy, and the truth is the clearer things become for me the more i want to push him into changing, i think i emotionally abuse him in an effort to make him realise thingss(ironically) Yesterday we were out on a trip with friends, a night which was really good and i made some nice new friends, when an argument began, i pushed it when i knew it was time to back down, and he said i was trying to humiliate him infront of people. he ended up physically attacking me in front of everybody who were by this point sleeping., i couldn't leave as it was the middle of nowhere and nighttime, and he kept being aggressive until i eventually fell asleep. to be woken at the crack of dawn and given my marching orders. I am bruised and realise that this cannot go on any longer, as that was the worst ever fall-out. i now think everybody present that night must think i am insane, and am too embarressed to even think about seeing them again. i know i put him on the spot in situations. I just don't know where to go from here. I still feel like i want to help him change. I wan to be able to let go. we dont live together, and are both independent with strong sets of friends Is this an abuive relationship, why when everything else in life is doable, and under a certain amount of control am i loving in this way- any thoughts would be most appreciated?
  17. When I initially began seeing a regular therapist(a little over one month ago) I thought I would attending sessions for the next decade. However, last session(yesterday), we both decided that I would only need to come in twice a month. He said that I've improved exponentially, and I totally notice the difference in myself. I realized that I just had so much bottled up inside, and now that I've spilled my guts(and gone through the cognitive therapy stuff)I feel so much more healthy and happy. But, when I did decide on lowering my number of visits I realized that I would miss my counselor. It may seem derranged but I will miss going every week; because, even though you pay, it is almost like having a good friend that you KNOW you can trust. My therapist helped me to develop positive thinking skills and be open to expressing and asserting myself to others. I am moving into a very positive space in my life...But I will still sort of miss my counselor.
  18. The incident I'm describing isn't in it self the reason I'm contemplaiting suicide, but it knocked me back into the reality - that life is a battle I can't survive. Today, as I was playing football one guy took me as his target. Everytime I would do a goal or touch the ball he would attack me from behind throwing me to the ground, tackle me or wrestle with me. The guy was younger, but bigger, muscular and had been pretty much a street fighter and a bad boy for his whole life. I fought back and could shake him off of me and avoid greater damage most of the time, and people would verbally complain to him about distrupting the game and being an idiot, but no-one did anything to actually help me. At the last minutes of the game he once again attacked me, but I got a stranglehold of him, and we rolled over to the ground this time in a more even fight and I said to him I'd let go if he'd let go and as he complied I thought I had made it. How very wrong was I again. After they lost the game and I was already walking away, he ran up from behind and choked me. People yelled at him and told him to let go but he didn't, I said he wasn't being very courageous for starting the fight in such an uneven way. This provocated him more and to show his superiority he told I should take a stranglehold of him and see if I could do any better. I declined and he grabbed me again, so it became obvious I had to fight myself out of the situation and grabbed him with a fairbairn and sykes defendo choke I had learned from a self-defence manual, thinking I could win him. My psychological death and absolute shame resulted as he shook me off, headbutted my chest and tossed me to the ground. It was only then, having totally beaten me that he would stop and leave me alone. In my life, I have had to deal alot with violent people trying to dominate me. I am short and skinny, making me an easy target. I used to think that it didn't matter, as long as I wouldn't play basketball, that I would not have to be large and muscular to have a good life, but boy was I wrong. I now totally understand women's desire for a tall dominant man, for life really is about survival of the fittest. Humans are nothing more than hairless apes, with the same impulses as other animals and one can't simply trust that the modern civilized society would stop the constant fighting and strive for supremacy among males. I foolishly thought that as long as I was assertive and stood up for myself I'd be as worthy as anyone else, and that my ex-girlfriend was being irrational with her feelings of not being feminine with a smaller guy. Afterall, nowadays we have guns and other tools of self-defence, and specific systems such as krav-maga that would beat brute force and provide security for everyone. The reality however, is that one can't defend against unarmed attackers with weapons or effective fighting moves such as strikes to the groin and is considered a criminal in the society, but attacking someone innocent is considered masculine and honorable if fatal damage is not inflicted and no weapons are used. I have now lost all my remaining self-respect, self-esteem and will to live. I foolishly thought that I could defend myself against apes like him, but I can't. I am unable, unfit and have failed as a life form. I can no-longer see my therapist as he moved away to work in a different city and am ready to give it all up. My illusionary sense of control over my body has been lost and I have been defiled and humiliated. No use fighting anymore and I'm ready to end my existence as soon as I get my gun licence. I don't even know why I wrote this, it's probably that I have some kind irrational hope in my subconscious and think that some answer will turn me into a self confident fighting machine, somehow make the fact that I lost disappear and change the genetic triggering for women to swoon over powerful, tall, dominant fighting men.
  19. My friend seems to be experiencing depression. She has been telling me about feeling bad all the time and crying. She told me she thought she was going crazy for the way she feels. I asked her if she was keeping a journal, and seeing a counsellor, and making use of her family and friends for support, and she said she had exhausted all those possibilities. She feels hopeless and as if the future is bleak. The problem is, I am also trying to shrug off depression which has seen me deeply miserable for some time, and I know that I am currently improving. My depression seemed to start as grief over a relationship. Anyway, I stopped therapy a couple of months ago though I still think about it quite a bit and still have the odd bad time. She tells me about her problems constantly. I am willing to talk to her about them, because I know from personal experience that the worst thing when you are depressed is feeling like people are judging you for it, or aren't listening. So I want to be a good friend. I don't really talk to her about my own depression. I kind of want to, but I don't want to worry her or sound like I am trivialising the way she feels. Also, I have a feeling she would not understand. Hearing about her problems makes me kind of sad and miserable. What if anything should I say to her? Should I tell her anything about my situation? I want her to know that I still care about her as a friend and don't want her to feel rejected. But at the same time I am feeling a bit sad over everything. Sad that she feels bad just like me.
  20. Hi All Im new to this forum and not sure if this is the right place to post. Anyway, I'm writing this as an exercise to somehow communicate to the world what I'm going through, and maybe to have some other peoples views, and possibly to knock some sense in to me. Im a 27 year old guy, I have my own company which is doing great, am told I am attractive, physically and emotionally. I have loads of friends, and I'm seen to be the life and soul of a party. But everyday is a struggle, and somedays the struggle seems to much to bear. I am on anti-depressants, I am seeing a counsellor, and I try to pull myself out of the slumps, but it is so so hard. I am in the the second serious relationship of my life, and the same destructive pattern which ended my first relationship, with my first true love, is happening all over again. I am jealous. Big wow you are probably thinking, loads of people are. But for some reason, yet to be discovered through counselling, I am insanely jealous. On the outside, I hide it well, but internally, my life is a walking nightmare, and everywhere I see threats. To give some background, my partner and I are going out three years now, the first of which was wonderful, the latter two have being going downhill due to my jealousy taking over, just as it did my first relationship of four years, again the first of which was amazing... What are my fears? That my partner will leave me for another man? Not really, I know she loves me. That my partner will have an affair? Nope, I really dont think she is interested in that, and I fully trust her. So what then am I so worried about!? The answer is that I am worried about my partner noticing and appreciating good looking men. Big deal you might think, but for some reason her noticing them kills me inside. Just seeing mens faces I can barely handle, bodies is a nightmare, and for some unknown reason, if she sees another mans penis, I can have panic attacks and struggle to breath, my stomach heaves and I get sick, I sweat and sometimes I come close to feinting. Again, the strange thing is I do not have a small penis, so I am not worried about that either. My fear is that my partners interest levels rise when she sees a good looking man, or worse still a naked man, and that she 'checks them out'. I guess I want to be the only man that she is interested in, not just in being with but also looking at. My partner does say she does not check men out, but that its only natural that she notices if a guy is good looking, or if she notices a nice body on a beach, but she assures me she does not stare and check out. She also says that she has no interest in looking at a mans penis, but that if one was on tv she would notice as its not something you commonly see. Even the thoughts of her seeing a Mans penis as I write this has my stomach in ribbons.... My life is a living nightmare because of the world in which we live in. Everywhere we go - shopping, the beach, a park, the cinema, even a doctors office with magazines in reception, I panic at all the men and dangers i see- Is there a Man getting changed behind a towel on the beach? Is there a half naked man in a magazine? What movie does she want to see, what is the rating on it or does it have sex scenes or a good looking man? Even at a friends house the other day, looking thru photos there were a few dodge ones of a lads holiday, I had to leave because of the fear that a penis might be visible, through shorts or naked... I cant live like this anymore, I want to let go if it but for some reason it hangs on, its like its a control that is trying to keep me safe but no longer works and is doing more harm than good One thing that could help is if there is any women reading this (still at this point!), if they could let me know the thought patterns that go through their heads when they see a mans penis. If they are in a solid relationship too, that would help to know. Are they interested, do they stare? Do they check out the size, does it really mean anything to them? If I see a naked woman on tv, to be honest I'm not that interested, sure I notice and might think they look good or not, but I dont stare or leer. But maybe thats because its more commonplace than a penis? If any other men have similar fears ( or is this so weird Im on my own) Id love to hear from you. Thanks for reading this, happy to receive any advice. Yours, in need.
  21. Folks, I come from a conservative family and divorce is a strange word to my vocabulary. However, after 7 years of dating and 7 years of marriage my life has turned into a battleground; fights occur on daily basis. I am seeking help from a marriage counselor and even the marriage counselor agreed that myself and my wife have very incompatible personalities. In spite of all fights and incompatibilities, I trust my wife. She is the most honest person out there. If it turns out that we need to divorce to live in peace, I want to know whether typically one can live alone - as long as you enjoy yourself and have an active life - without a partner in the long term ? My concern is that I see that life is tough out there. It seems that are many women out there marrying for money and with the courts favoring who 'has less assets' upon breaking the mariage, I don't want to fall into this marriage trap again.
  22. I am 32 and have been severly depressed for most of my adult life. I have had one boyfriend and one girlfriend my entire life. I am fat, ugly and just plain stupid. I have social anxiety which means that I have no friends because I can't get myself to leave my room except to go to work or to the bathroom. I have tried so hard to be positive, but everything seems to be against me. I am in therapy now, but my I cannot tell my therapist that I have thoughts about suicide that take over my mind. It is as though I have an obsession with it. I consistenly think of new ways I could do it. The only thing that keeps me alive today is my mother. She has cancer and I could not imagine making her life worse with my death. Should she die, I will too! I hate my life so much. I have tried to change it. The only thing I enjoy is going to therapy as I can be myself. I can tell her my deepest secrets and not feel judged. The only thing I can't tell her is about my suicidal thoughts. They seem to be bigger and badder than before and I really don't want it to come to that. I don't know why I am posting this, but I just needed to vent a little I guess!
  23. I know this is like the third post in the past few weeks about the same thing, but I feel very stuck in these feelings. It's been a little over four months since the breakup and I feel like I should be farther than I am. My therapist says I'm doing well, but I don't feel like I am. In my head I know that he's not coming back, that I shouldn't want him back, that I deserve better, blah blah blah! But I still cannot convince myself that he's not going to snap out of it, go to therapy and come back to me ready to get married like we'd planned. He's with someone else for crying out loud, you'd think that would be enough for me to get it you know? But its not! I can't shake this feeling that we were meant to be and that it's still going to happen! I'm doing OK in that I don't cry much anymore, there's a lot I can do now without getting sad, but there is still so much I have in front of me. Summer's were so much fun for us and I have that ahead of me as well as what would have been our wedding day. I can't bring myself to get rid of my dress or his wedding ring, because some part of me still thinks its going to happen. How do I get through this?
  24. So i talked to my therapist about the whole thing...gave him the short version since i only had an hour and he helped clear things up and showed me a different perspective...i am feeling tons better after getting to get all this off my chest and seeing things in a new light. She felt the need to unblock me from msn, ask if we were friends (shes asked this like 3 times now) i told her its not best and it does noone any favors (from "The Plan" hehe) then she asked if i wanted some of my clothes back, and honestly i dont want to see her...so once again for the 3rd time i said no...told her i wanted no contact and that it was best...and after all shes said and done, i couldnt want her any more than i do right now.
  25. My HIV results came back negative...The test was, according to the counselor, definitive since my encounter occurred 6 months ago. I am really happy about it because I worried myself nearly to death about it for 6 months... Me and this person I used to like got into some heavy kissing, and then he went down on me. I used a condom but it popped midway through. So, being the diagnosed hypochondriac that I am, it freaked me the hell out. I went to all the websites and called loads of counselors; and they all told me that it was all low to no risk for STD's...But I still obsessed over it. So I decided to just get tested... Anyway, I did the OraSure rapid test(FDA approved) and I'm negative. But they also gave me a free Herpes/Syphillis test, because you CAN contract those from heavy making out... I just wanted to let everyone out there, that might be worrying about STD's and STI's, know that you can empower yourself by being proactive...Get tested if you aren't 100% sure. I know it was driving me nuts, and I wasn't even involved in high risk activity. And use protection too.
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