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Hi everyone, hope you're all having a great day. Well, I have never quite investigated or properly put my thoughts into words about this so I'm going to try my best, sorry if it's too long or confusing. I'm basically constantly in conflict of what I want, most of the time I'm completely fine by myself and can't be bothered, then the next day I want to make friends, cycle repeats. Then again I mostly limit my interactions online as I moved a while ago and I really don't want to get to know the places around with covid and all, besides I think that's beyond the point since this also happened while I had irl friends anyway. Okay so, with both online and irl friendships (not interested in romantic relationships at all) I always start with this huge energy boost where we constantly talk with each other, message each other, talk about lots of stuff like hobbies, favorite movies, music, all that stuff and it's great! Honestly I do love getting to know people, it's heartwarming. Here's the thing tho, it's like this is a separate version of myself, I often find myself wishing to be back to the "regular" which is minding my own business by myself. Let me try to explain as best as I can. My personality has changed a lot through the years, mostly after learning actual value of friendships, ditching toxic people and overall figuring things out and growing up. Last 7 or 8 years have been a self improvement path that I'm quite proud of, but this is basically what hasn't changed. I fluctuate a lot between wanting to make friends (and actually trying) and minding my own business with zero things bothering me. I think I can't find a balance between both, sooner or later talking and keeping up with friends becomes a huge chore that quite honestly annoys me and often have to retreat into my "selfish self" for a while without any explanation. Legit writing even a short text or giving any explanation, or coming up with one feels like an impossible task even tho I can be working my butt off at the same time, it feels like a huge energy drain to keep up with friends sometimes and it makes me feel stressed and sometimes it combines with stress from work or being tired and my willingness to work out that friendship becomes impossible to deal with. I don't really know why I'm like this, I'm just curious, really. I'd like to find a proper balance and keep friendships for longer, I want I avoid forgetting to reply or even ghosting people accidentally or purposefully. Don't get me wrong I do actually like talking and getting to know people a lot, even tho I'm an introvert I managed to improve this a lot, and still, at some point I just no longer have the energy to keep up. Combined to this, I may also be VERY picky with what kind of people I want to be friends with, I usually avoid A LOT of people with what I consider lame or toxic behaviours, I think I judge lot but never have to say it because I simply don't chase anything with these people, it's simple. I usually avoid people that are overly toxic and loud, people that only wait their paycheck desperately so they can get drunk every week, people who just call you when they need you, and overall just people that don't seem interested in a stronger sense of friendship like I do. It's fine, we all can choose right? I mean maybe my personality might be unlikable to other people too, but what I find most attractive in people is their personality so it's a huge deal for me, and I know being picky and so indecisive about wanting to make friends aren't exactly good personality traits. I do get complimented a lot, my nowadays me is nothing like before! But I have yet another issue on top of the stated above. I also feel like often friendships go nowhere, they eventually turn into boring chit chat everytime or meaningless conversations, not sure if there's someone at fault here o just think it happens naturally but don't know why. Lastly, maybe my expectations or idea or friendship are flawed or unrealistic? Maybe I don't know. If I'm being honest, I don't think I've had a real friend yet, and I just turned 25. I've lost friends or ended friendships mostly when the other person betrays me or something, if there's something I'm good at when dealing with people is dropping my interest, ghosting or ending the friendship very efficiently and with zero remorse or second thoughts really, when people use me or betray me I just no longer feel anything towards them and lose all interest, also I'm too tired after work to involve into any drama haha! I know MBTI might be silly to a lot and to be honest it kinda is to me now, but if it helps as any insight, I'm INTJ. Sorry if this was a bit long and confusing, like I said before I wasn't very sure how to write down se thoughts into words properly. I'm just wondering if this is at least somewhat common or known, I'm very good at many things but at this type of stuff I'm clueless!