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About Me

  1. *I remember why I love(d) you. *I'm working too much. AGAIN. *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle. *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known? *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people. *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new. [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ] *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.
  2. Hello dear ones, Thou we don’t know each other, I’m grateful we have this very unbiased portal to share our thoughts. Here’s my story and I’ll try to make it short. I just got married to my amazing boyfriend 3 weeks ago at city hall of our country. It costed like $50 and that’s all. We went for dinner just the 2 of us that night to celebrate and that’s it. I’m glad we could blame the covid 19 situation for not being able to have the smallest get together with friends, the truth is we couldn’t afford it. I’m in my late 30’s. Have worked all my life to support my siblings and pay their university costs until they just graduated, which left me with no savings and as soon as they got out of my university, found jobs to support themselves; which we feel blessed about. My husband on the other hand has a simple job and is very underpaid thou he is such a smart guy logical educated and heart of gold. My business is struggling so he is the sole bread winner for now until I Can help him again. All this said, I always thought weddings can also mean wearing a ring but he clearly couldn’t afford it. He was married before and has a house with his ex wife (no kids) and when they divorced 2 years ago it isn’t still sure if she will pay him his share if she ever decides to sell it. They are great friends thank god. I still dream of the day I can wear a simple wedding dress, have a ring; is it wrong for me to think this way? I’ve always imagined it. I’m always very nice to my husband and he knows how I feel but poor guy isn’t able to do anything about it for the moment. How can I calm myself and stop thinking pity on myself and god forbid sabotage our wonderful relationship? Thank you in advance.
  3. Post your most memorable movie quotes (or dialogue) here. I'm thinking not necessarily the most well known (Life is a box of chocolates), but those which stuck with you for some reason. If you wanna say why its memorable to you, even better. To start: From "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" (major paraphrasing) Mona Stangley : And Jesus went to a wedding where he turned the water into wine Sheriff Earl Dodd: He was a great man, and he knew how to throw a party Mona: Earl, I can't believe you said that, that's sacrilegious Earl: I know, I know. But God forgives me. Mona: Ain't it funny how God can for give you, but people can't? Earl: I suppose that's because people aint very God-like I was a teenager when I saw this scene. Growing up, we were taught that our parents' word was infallible. I was starting to realize this wasn't true, and they were often unfair. Seeing this scene brought it home that people truly aren't "God-lkie"
  4. Hello, I thought I would post on here because I feel I can't talk to any of my friends about some of the things that have been going on and been feeling very isolated and been losing my confidence. I moved back home from university in June and in late June I received some bad news that made me feel horrendous. Living with my family has been difficult. There is a drama every other day- yesterday we had to pick up my brother from the police station because he had assaulted someone alongside other things. Every other day we are dealing with him and his constant issues. I am the youngest of 6 and feel like my personality is fading away in that house. I am too embarassed to tell freinds because I'm scared they would think what the hell? That family is crazy- they have come from well-do do stable families and hence I can't feel like I can be myself anymore with them if they hear anything that is going on at home. The other siblings-brother, sisters etc always just tell me all their problems and issues all the time and I just feel like I am here to absorb everyone's problems and I am a walking counsellor. I feel like unless I don't play that role me and them wouldn't have much to talk about at all. My mum is pretty religious and believes that god will be our saviour and tells me everything will be fine again. I feel like I am losing my identity, motivation and passion for life and feel like an empty shell inside. It's really horrible. Any advice or support would be welcome as I feel very alone right now.
  5. I swear, ever since my breakup from my ex girlfriend 2 years ago my life has completely spiraled downhill. I mean I was already in a bad spot, career wise, before I met her, but because I finally had someone come into my life who acted like they cared about me I was actually starting to make small, positive, forward progress. Yes, we were having a lot of issues, but deep down I was happy. She brought excitement into my life. She was sexy, beautiful, sexual, a warm body, someone to talk to, hang with, something worth living for. Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. But after my breakup I totally disintegrated. I fell deep into depression. Panic attacks. I quit my job and totally distance myself from family and especially my only 2 friends, mainly my best friend. I became a recluse. I was and still am an absolute shell of myself. I'm depressed. Totally depressed. I'm frightened. Hopeless. And my stupid, logical mind keeps holding me back from moving forward. I can't escape this mental anguish. Fear has totally consumed me. I'm paralyzed with fear, doubt, laziness, you name it. Forward movement is non-existent. What depresses me the most is that I never got myself off the ground career wise in my youth. This is the one main thing that has me feeling the way I'm feeling right now. This lack of work towards my career/foundation was the single most devastating mistake I made in my life. Instead I focused on another dead-end career, if you can even call it that, which looking back I was doomed from the start, mainly due to my major, MAJOR insecurities stemming from childhood. I wanted to be an actor. HA! What a joke. Because of which I never redirected my life in another direction. Instead I bounced from one meaningless job, to another to another and before I know it, bam, I'm 43! Yes, thinking in the past is no good and what's important is the now. I get it. But I just can't help it. I'm obsessed with my negative past and how it led me to this moment. I feel at my age of 43 that it's over. I just don't feel the energy and spark anymore. Where did it go? Why? How!? I'm so deep in this dark hole that I can't get out. I guess that's called depression. Which is why I'm here admitting and submitting to it once and for all. I was in denial but I'm here to let it consume me. I distance myself from my best friend because I'm jealous of his life. We don't talk anymore. My best friend is successful. He started a business from scratch and now has done so well for himself. He's married, beautiful house, nice cars, eats at nice restaurants, 2 dogs, goes on vacation from what seems like every 2 or 3 months. He and his wife are so happy. I see it. I know they are. But now I've grown to despise him. Last night I was driving and cursing him. How sick am I? Cursing at his luck, how his situation worked out so well because of decisions and breaks he had his way. I'm also jealous and full of rage at everyone else who I see as "successful." Obviously it's because I'm a total failure in life. My stupid, dumb logical mind and past mistakes has totally corrupted all hopes of me to move forward in the now. Mainly because I feel incapable and lacking in discipline, courage, education, experience and that my time has past. The few opportunities I did have in the past have all but evaporated. No matter what self-help book, video, article or advice I get I always somehow manage to get myself right where I am now. I'm governed by fear. Or, that if I try to attempt the advice I quit almost immediately. Again, the "what's the point" thought brings me right back. It's like I WANT to fail. I WANT misery. I WANT suffering. The thing is I'm so insecure about my level of education, resume/work history and given my age that that's why I feel the, what's the point, thoughts. I know it's stupid and only an illusion of the mind but man, I keep thinking this over again as-if it's real. I can't stop. I'm obsessed! My once creative mind has all but evaporated. Where in the past I used to come up with creative ideas and solutions to problems, now, I'm just left with this cynical, negative, hopeless, lazy mindset. Why didn't I think to be smart and set myself up properly like a normal person does when they're young, a time when we have the most energy and creative outlook!? I didn't go to school or focus on an actual career and stick to it so that I could've been a somebody today!? Instead I'm a loser but only because I don't have the guts to actually do something about it right now!!!! I still live with my mother, have almost no savings, actually in debt, no girlfriend and I drive for Uber for Christ sakes!!! God, how embarrassing and humiliating. I absolutely hate that job with a passion. I hate most of the stupid passengers I pickup. I seriously want to drag some of them out of my car and beat the crapp out of them. Can you tell I'm angry? lol. But I also can't leave it. Without it I will have ZERO income. It's so dam pathetic. I'm embarrassed so much that I almost can't face myself to my family because of shame. I don't go out on dates because I would not want to subject the poor woman to my lifestyle. I know the importance to a woman having a man who is career oriented. I just am not because I'm lost. A drift. And I already know they'll end up breaking loose anyway. It's what has happened plenty of times in the past so again, what's the point. And the thing is, and get this, I also don't want to think positive. Every time I have thought positive like taking positive steps in a forward direction, again, I go right back to thinking "what's the point, I have no career, no work experience, so no one in their right mind would want to hire me" excuse. Just excuse after excuse after excuse. It's almost maddening. I don't know who I am anymore. Honestly. I'm a worthless human being. Worthless. I'm so depressed and worthless that me writing this actually is making me happy. I'm happy that I think of myself as worthless. It feels good. I don't know if this is the work of the devil or just me but whatever this is, it feels really good to brag about my problems. I'm attention seeking right now folks. A little, scared, pathetic child seeking refuge crying like a little baby with my thumb in my mouth. I'm selfish. It's all about me. It's no wonder opportunities and people have all but evaporated from my life. My energy and vibration level is so low now that no opportunity, positive thoughts, or luck wants anything to do with me. Thanks to the power of mind and freewill. Didn't God know when he/she/it made us that not EVERY human being is capable of self improvement. Most of us are just too weak to rebuild. I am one of those. I don't learn. I don't want to change because I believe I can't. I have asked God, no, I take it back, I've BEGGED God for help over and over and over to the point that it's nauseating. Absolutely no help whatsoever. A mute. The scariest feeling crossed my mind the other morning. My first thought when I woke up was of absolute hopelessness and meaningless to life. Like zero. Where as normally I feel comfortable swimming in my own misery this very thought was something I quickly dismissed because I knew in that split second had I further entertained that thought it was a dead-end with all but one conclusion, suicide. Folks, I don't expect advice. I'm only attention seeking right now as you can tell. A big baby. I know I left myself here with no way to win. I'm just being honest and forward with my feelings. Yes, I'm not making any sense and I'm all over the place. Yes, it opens me up to being criticized for being weak, lazy and inadvisable and I deserve it. I'm angry, full of rage actually and I want to see successful and happy people burn. I'm being honest.
  6. I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do
  7. Never know how much you’ve missed someone until you spend the afternoon with them and half the time it’s pure elation, laughing joking like old times, the other half your heart is breaking all over again. Then the time ends she hugs you and you just bury your head in her hair trying to hang on to the scent and the way she feels if just for a second be god knows how long that’ll have to last you
  8. Well. I have some bad news. While things at work are ok, and they don't seem to care about what happened, since a comment was made by a coworker that the person who chose the bad architect was given several names, so if she's unhappy, she's a grown woman and should be able to deal with it. However, the friend and I had a huge fight and he beat the crap out of me. Yes, you read that right. He beat the crap out of me Monday night. Threw me through a window, and when I was down and bleeding badly he kicked me in the lower back, in the kidney. His mother was cheering him on. Yes you read that correctly, too. Telling him to teach me a lesson. Cops came, but he's an architect, a nice, level-headed guy! And she's a doctor! And he said he only moved out of the way when I ran at him, causing me to go through the window, not him throwing me into it. Doesn't really explain the lower back injury or me peeing blood all night. So cops say "Well, this is a domestic disturbance, so you all go back inside and we'll take her to the hospital". Then they cuffed me. I'm bleeding all over the place, can't sit up because of the back pain, and they cuffed me because apparently he told them he was worried about my mental state and I might hurt myself. Know what happens when the cops show up at the hospital with someone in cuffs who "might hurt themselves"? That person gets to go on a Psych hold. I had the crap beat out of me and somehow I'm the insane one. I had to sit there while they cleaned me up, took blood and made me pee. When the pee came back RED a doctor looked at my back and said "Wait a minute, you can't do this to your own back. What happened tonight?" and finally they started listening to me. The Psychiatrist and the nurses and everyone were like "You are fine, not insane, we're so sorry, it's the cop's fault for bringing you in here like that". And then I got to go home, in a cab, in the middle of the night. Then, I got to come to work the next day and explain what happened to all of these people who know him and think he's a nice guy. I think I'm still a little in shock. I can't process that this happened to me. In a million years I never thought I would ever be in handcuffs for anything. I'm a nice person, a law-abiding citizen. I never thought I'd have to proclaim my sanity in order not to have to go in the Psych ward. Thank God for that doctor noticing my back. Thank God. This betrayal is monstrous. I have a restraining order all filled out, waiting to be filed. I am afraid to do it. The fact that he could lie so easily to the police means he will lie to the courts. Which will make me vulnerable. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about this.
  9. A few months back I turned 39 and still today I'm a virgin and I never had a gf or kissed a girl. I really believe I was born to be single, God doesn't want me to be with anyone because he is protecting me from getting hurt and used because I'm different. I know everything happens for a reason because of God. If I was supposed to be with a girl, it would of happened in my teens, 20's or 30's. Now I'm about 40 and so old and still nothing yet, that tells me I'm pretty much doomed. I'm a rare breed of being different and not like everyone else (born with a bone disorder and being so short). Growing up and always being rejected and turn down because I'm different and when I was in my 20's I had a feeling inside that I would end up being single and here I am today still single. I'm 115lbs and very toned and I'm always outgoing and active and I still workout everyday and I go to the park everyday hoping I will meet someone but that never has happened yet. I don't sit on the couch all day and I do go out sometimes depending if I have money and I don't like bars or clubs. My friends tried hooking me up before and that didn't work, the girls were all nice but they weren't interested in me because of the height. I'm very confidant and I can talk easily to any girls and I have talked to all types of girls. I know next year will be very hard for me turning 40 and still a virgin, no gf and never been kissed. Its just so hard to believe how short life is and how time just fly's by so quickly. It feels like yesterday I'm still in my early 20's enjoying life and now I'm almost 40 getting old and wondering when will I have my first kiss and a gf?
  10. Hey there, this is vague but I don't think the details matter: I'm in a situation where a few family members and friends are causing me a lot of stress, and I don't trust that talking to them will be fruitful. They have taken a different view on a situation, and I am confident and happy in my position, but it challenges their religious beliefs. They think I am . And I can't get away. I can feel it's having a profound psychological effect on me... and I'm not sure what to do. Haha, I realised from what I wrote that it sounds like this is a post about coming out, but it's not. It's more about what is an appropriate way to treat people and how God plays a part in one's life. Free will etc.
  11. I have but one female friend but I fear that she may not be my friend for much longer. It's a slightly long story but I'll try to keep it concise and to the point. I met her when I started university and we seems to get on very well. She had a boyfriend at the time but I didn't really care until she told me that they were through so I tried to cheer her up, allthough she didn't seem too bothered. She told me that on a monday, we finished college for christmas the thursday after that and to be nice I decided to drive her there (we live fairly close to each other and we're on the same course). When driving home I asked her if she wanted to come back to my house for some tea and she said yes. Now my parents were away so we were on our own, we watched a movie later and she was sitting almost on-top of me. I'm not used to being with women but I didn't mind her until the movie was over. So we ended up making out and I wasn't too happy that I did as I really didn't want her in that way. Anyway, I didn't ask her out or anything but I drove her home then I drove myself home and went to sleep. The next day we were back in college I felt a bit weird around her but it wasn't so bad. We were talking fine and I was thinking about asking her out. However, she tells me the next day that she had spent the whole night with her "ex" at a movie and a gig. I was taken back by this as she had told me, a meer six days earlier, that they were through. It turned out that they were only fighting and not really broken up at all. In other words, she cheated on her boyfriend with me. I was and still am annoyed by this as I would never kiss another guys girl on pourpose but she had told me they were finished. This is where things started to get nasty. I took her up on the fact that I was annoyed that she never told me the thruth but she tried to tell me that she loved him and that she was confused but she never once asked me how I felt. This put a dent in my respect for me but I just shook my head and told her it was her choice. I felt both annoyed as I had helped a girl cheat on her bf, I'm normally a very honest guy, and I also felt a bit un-wanted but Im used to the latter. That was the end of that really. From that point on, I've treated her cooly. I definitly don't trust her but I still try to help her with her studies and I have driven her to college to be nice to her. I'm not a social guy and one day, after I had driven her to class, we were talking and she called me a "loner". I was hurt by this but I let is go. She also passes comments on how I love games, calling me "sad" and "weird". I never took her up on this and I have not yet. On tuesday, I drove out to college but I took a different route that I normally take and I didn't pick her up. Her bus didn't come and she gave out hell to me when she found out I had driven. I told her that I wasn't her personal driver and it wasn't my fault that the bus didn't come so she went off in a huff. Afterwards I felt bad as it was a bitter cold morning and she had been out in the cold so I called her to appologise and I gave her a lift the next day. I know this was a bit spinless but I also know that I really don't want to fight with her as I'm worried that she could spread roumors about me to her girlfriends in college and that is something I want to avoid. This morning, I met her to get the bus with her. She wasn't very talkitive as she usually is but we were exchanging a few words. Just as a joke I said something about her being behind in maths in a silly way but she took offence even though she has pass many, many more comments to me in "good humour". A bit later, we were sitting waiting for lectures to start and I was writing some music down but I had to draw my own staves. I said "god dam it, why does the shop here not sell manuscript paper!" and she turned to me and said "god!, I'm gonna sit somewhere else, you're pissin' me off". At that point, I just turned to her and said "listen, I'm getting sick of your attitude towards me, I go out of my way to help you and you treat me like an expectation". She then got annoyed and started listing all my personality flaws. Apparenty, I'm "arrogant, unfriendly, rude....", I don't believe I am any of these and certainly not to her. We went on a bit but she left after the lecture and I haven't talked to her since. That's it so, I know it's a long post but really I don't know how to handle this. Am I being mean to her, I don't see how, or is it time I found a new friend?? Thank you.
  12. Okay, the scenario....A new relationship, a couple in their early 40's ( a very CUTE couple too...) Very smitten with each other....in the early stages of considering marriage. I believe in hashing out everything before that step is taken..so I brought up his religiousity and my non-religiosity...namely...he is a christian and I am basically a spiritual person who believes in god, the great spirit in general..I have an open mind and will listen and learn from every religion. I do not believe that there is a chosen people who will only go to heaven. I think if you are a good person and affect the world in a positive way...you will be in a good place...(doesnt have to be "heaven" per se) I believe if you are an evil creep who hurts everyone...you will also get that coming back to you. I just do not put parameters on my beliefs....or house it with a cliquish church and think pastors or preachers are any better than anyone else. My boyfriend thinks I am damaged by my past experiences . I am afraid if I do not conform to his beliefs...we will not marry, thereforeeee ending this relationship. Am I wrong to stand by what I think and feel? I would be willing to accept his beliefs as long as he did not try to recruit or force me into his. (visa versa) His question to me was...Where would we marry? (Meaning I am sure, by a pastor or a witch doctor?) How could we solve this if it can be solved? I do love him.
  13. I've been listening for a few days, and I'm starting to realize how badly I really suck at guitar. I'll never even come within 4000 miles of being close to the greats. I've tried lessons, but they infact, made me a lot worse at guitar. I'm not just saying this for sympathy... just listen to my crappy videos . I'm pretty much convinced that God hates my guts, and he was angry at Satan for convincing humans to create Meth labs, so I was the result of that anger. Dammit... I miss the pot... it's the only thing that made me kind of decent at guitar.
  14. Ok, I am going to say sorry in advance because I think this is going to be long...... I will start from the beginning: My boyfriend (well i guess ex now) were togeather for about a year and a half, he broke up with me yesterday. We are in a long distance relationship and spent a lot of time togeather over the holidays. In that time we told our families that we wanted to marry eachother and went and looked at rings togeather. We went as far as deciding where we wanted to get married, and alot of other details. And it was not just me, I am very scared of being hurt, so I would not go about planning those things on my own. He was very very involved, even at some points more than me. Our best friends were so excited for us, they have said how perfect we were togeather from the beginning. We have never had major issues, we were a very strong couple with a foundation in God. As christians we made commitments to eachother about the direction and priorities of our relationship. We got in a small argument a few days ago, I really dont even remember what it was about. But the next day he had lost his phone so we only talked online. I was feeling somewhat lost about the direction of our relationship at that point, really just feeling insecure about not being about to talk to him, and I had asked God for guidence. I do not like to see anything wrong in our relationship, at least not anything that we can't work through. I was just feeling uneasy, and just put it in god's hands. The next day when my ex-bf and I got a hold of eachother on the phone he sounded very strange. I knew something was going on but I could not get him to say it. Finally he told me that he did not think that he wanted to marry me anymore, that he thought he might be leaving me. I asked him where this came from and he told me that he has had this feeling in the back of his head for a while, and he was going along with the wedding stuff because he wants me to be happy. I think that this is the most hurtful thing I have ever heard. I mean just a few days earlier he told me that he had "the ring" narrowed down to two choices. I was trying to get answer's out of him for a long time (about 2 hours), I know I was being crazy--but have we not all been there at some point? And he was acting so cold and distant, this is not like him. He is a somewhat emotional person, and does not ever lie to me. So just the idea that he lied to me over the holidiays was a huge blow. I knew that there was something going on that I did not know about. Finally, after about two hours of crying and trying to get answers--and him being as detached as possible, I stopped crying and tried to calm myself down. I asked him just to lisen to what I was about to tell him, he said ok, and I said "I just want you to know that I love you, and I will let you have your space, but until I know I need to walk away I will be here for you and will love you." At this point he broke down, he cryed harder than I have ever heard him cry. This went on for about 45 minutes, and he could not even talk--or he was trying to and I could not hear any words. Eventually, I could here him say he was sorry for doing this to me, that I was too good for him and he really does not want to see me hurt. At this point I told him I forgave him (I did not think that this meant we were getting back togeather). I spent sometime whild we were on the phone, and he was crying, praying for him. I did this becuase he sound so hurt and I wanted him to have peace of mind. It hurts me to see him confused, and when I was praying for him the crying got louder, he told me it was because he was amazed that I put him in front of me at that point. At this point we got off the phone, I told him I would leave the calling to him, and he could call me and tell me good night if he wanted to. When he called me back he explained to me that his doubts about marrying me came from his fears that he would not be a good husband/father. Through all of this he had been saying that he loves me and wants to be with/marry me. He was telling me that he did not think he was going to be good enough because he did not have a relationship with god outside of our relationship. And w/out being a good christian man he could not be a good husband. Then he started referring to it as a "break" and not a break up. Which I think taking a break is a load. I dont know what to do. He says that in an ideal world I would wait for him, but he has not given me any reason to do that because of the way he treated me. And I dont feel like he is trying to fool me here. Any thoughts would be so wonderful at this point. And even if you dont have a comment, thanks for taking the time to read.
  15. Dear God such chaos have I brooked and such fabulous dates have I enjoyed... and yet and yet. Is it now? Not even close? Well, okay. I've posted my pics and I've decided to actually respond sometimes. Wth, you can't swim if you don't jump in the pool. Can't sleep a lick tonight, mostly because my brain has been working for too long. And because it's been a night of familiarity, everyone talking to everyone else until the wee hours. And the arrangements being made... Woo lawd somebody better blush up in here. But, no blushing needed at my house. Time for me to roll forward... Yes.
  16. Alright, so, I just experienced probably one of the most awkward encounters EVER, and I wanted to share it with you guys, because I'm laughing about it now. So it's my lunch, and I needed to go home to get something, but I decided to stop by Subway first. I pull into the parking lot and there was another vehicle parked there, so I pull in next to it. Well, the driver's side door was opened and as I passed by to park on the other side, I saw the driver (an older guy) pleasuring himself there!! In front of me and God and everyone else!! I was so embarrassed to have come across this guy! Then I went in to the Subway and he followed me in a few minutes later! I couldn't make eye contact with him. Let's hear some of your awkward stories!
  17. Introduction Hello,welcome to this precious and salient page.I would like to mention here that this page is for the youth below 30years down but if you are above that age and you are willing to read it ,you still have access to it.You still have the right to send this page to a friend.This page is very important in your life and requires your understanding.Don't quit without reading it to the end.You will understand this page better if you already read any guidance book for youths. As a youth,You will now be wondering what to do next.You may be thinking of a choice of career in life.Apart from a professional career,you will be wondering what state of life God wants you to be in.All these are normal.It 's a sign that you are growing more and more into maturity.Young people always have to face this problem of choice.For now,the most important thing for you is to be a faithful christian.Show yourself a follower of christ and abide in His Love(John 15:10-11).One way to manifest this is to live a good and discipline sexual life,till christ gives you your rightful partner for a chaste married life or till you feel and you are sure of a call to a life of celibracy or perpetual chastity for celibrate life.Married chastity is fidelity to your one husband or one wife with respect for each other.Celibrate chastity is the unmarried state chosen in the light of chritian faith.This is the chastity all priest and religious women follow.They free themselves from all family cares and all the intimacies of married life.This enable them to exercise a wider love for the salvation of souls,and to be a witness for the kingdom of God.So priest and religious leaders are consecrated by the church to a life of sexual abstinence forever.Many have the notion that a man or woman cannot remain without sexual intercourse.They even believe that it will cause a psychological and physical breakdown.This is not true.It is a typical lie!!!!Human relations and social life do not mean sexual intercourse. HUMAN RELATIONSHIP Man is a social being.It is not good for anyone to be alone(Gen.2:18).God's reference to man in this context means both man and woman.Inter-relation between male and female.are required for a normal psychological development.That is why we start life with a father and mother inside marriage to care for us their children and help us to grow properly.Social life starts and it continues in a good home between brothers and sisters,parents and children etc.This atmosphere provides the most wholesome model of good relationship,friendship and psychological and emotional equilibrium.From all this,we can see what harm a broken home can bring to the family and to the society at large.In social life outside the family circle,one cannot avoid men and women mixing and working together,communicating with one another and even being friends of one another.Friendship does not mean that they have to have sexual intercourse.A man and a woman can be close friends without sexual activity of any kind.Friendship mean wishing your friend well and making what sacrifice you can for his or her success,spritually as well as materially.There are twoways of expresssing sex,'physicsl sex 'and 'non-physical sex' or sex and sexuality respectively.Physical sex refers only to the use and exercise of of the male and female reproductive organs.The non-physical refers to all other expression of sexuality betweeen men and women.Our neeed for each other,our inter-relations that complement each other can exist without the physical expression of sex.We only need to observe a person's face build,features,listen to the voiceand watch the manner of walking to detect convincingly whether the person is a man or woman.The twenty-three pairs of chromosones in every cell all over the human body are responsible forthis.The cells of the ovaries and testes have 23 single chromosones.So it is clear that sex involves a person's whole being,not just the genital organs.For a normal psychological development,what we need is the ordinary non-genital association with the opposite sex.Genital intercourse is not necessary at all. PUBERTY As a young adult,you have reached what is called puberty.The word comes from theLatin 'PUBER'meaning adult.You have now reached the stage of full sexual development(when you can conceive and bear a child)and can be a mother or father.The process takes about two years,between 12th and 14th year in a girl and 13th to 15th year in a boy.Some cases may be delayed or may come earlier by one or two years.There are notable physical,emotional and social changes which affect behaviours as well.I assume you suppose to know many of the changesSo let me not delay time on that.Puberty is very important period in your life,because it is at this time that you take the right and wrong direction.Since you now have some idea and understanding of what is happening inside your body,you will decide which way to follow for your own profit or misfortune.It is nowthat you learn the difference between good and bad advice.So do not let your feeling dominate you.Do not seek only the pleasant things and reject the difficult ones;otherwise you will make your puberty a disaster for yourself.Appreciate the wise and sympathetic guidance of your parents and spiritual director.They arenot being compulsive or unsympathetic dictators.Don't feel alone and unwanted.Go to seek for advice .What is happening to you is very normal.As your body is preparing,so you should preparing spiritually and materially to be able to enter into a sacred bond.You have the power to bring another life now into the worldIt is a sacred duty that calls for extreme carefulness and responsible behaviour.If you are able to say 'no' now until your time is ripe,you will have a very good and happy life in the future.You need a decision making skill to say 'no'to the bad things and yes to the good things.You have to think and weigh the outcomes of youractions.To seek for pleasure without wanting to assume the responsibility that follows it has ruined many young girls and boys.Today,people want honour and fame but refuse to shoulder the responsibility which that honour and fame call for.Irresponsible people will never make good fathers or mothers.There is no way one can have the pleasure of sex without the responsibility.Food keeps the body healthy and supplies it with energy.But it must be good food and well cooked and prepared.You will enjoy it when the right time comes to eat it.In the same way,you must preserve your virginity to keep yourself free from spiritual,moral and physical contamination.Make a choice of a good partner and prepare yourself materially and sacramentally for marriage.Then the consummation will enrich and keep you happy. DON'T BE DECEIVED Many are fooled and deceived by uttering false beliefs about injuring their health if they do not have sexual intercourse occasionally.Some believe that a boy or a girl will not develop normally without sexual intercourse.The fact is that the opposite is the truth.One is healthier and looks younger if he or she does not indulge in sexual intercourse.The lose of secretions at intercourse diminishes energy and strenght .One is losing vitality and thereforeeee ages prematurely.Young men and women who avoid pre-marital sexual experience in college concentrate more on their studies and often make much better progress both physically and mentally.It is always good to use concrete facts and not delusions to find out the truth and live by it."The truth will set you free."(John 8:32). HEALTH AND CHASTITY If you are observant,you will notice that people who are celibrate and continent look much younger and are more energetic than their age group counterparts.The reason is what is what is stated above.They retain more of their secretions and prolong their life-span.So there is nothing like one becoming sick because of virginity.Rather,one contracts disease more in promiscuity.Many girls have abandon virginity for the so-called cure for painful menses(dysmenorrhoea).Such cure is very far from truth.Those girls themselves will tell you how far from the truth their experience is onemonth later.It has rather made the pain worse.It will be much worse if the unfortunate girl contracts gonorrhoea which is very common result of extra-marital intercourse.For unmarried girls,what relieves dysmenorrhoea is physical exercise.For married women,what cures it is the delivery of the baby.During delivery,the genital organ are stretched and become lax and flat unlike before when they were firm and tight.There are many ways to self-realization.The prelude to this is freedom of choice.Some are called to married life ,some to celibrate life.Those called to dedicate their whole lives to some worthy ideals,such as preaching of the gospel,peace and social justice,will realize themselves as celibrates.It is a special grace which calls for a special sacrifice freely choosen.The freedom of choice is self-satisfying and one finds self-fulfilment in it.The motivation is love for God,his church and humanity at large.Love is one thing that satisfies."God is love"(1 Jn.4:8-9).God is love.Love is not sex,not to talk of permissiveness.Many in history have married without sexual intercourse.Love entails kindness and sacrifice.It is never selfish.Selfish passions can never express true love.True love does not injure,does not diminishand is never thoughtless. THE RISKs OF PHYSICAL SEX: 1.Veneral diseases,eg.gonorrhoea syphillis,aids.2.Sterity,caused by these diseases or by contraceptive pills taken to avoid pregnancy.3.Conceiving a bastard child.4.Killing,by abortion,with the awful moral and emotional consequences including danger to the mother's life.5.Loss of self-control and sexual irresponsibility.6.Infidelity in marriage and lack of trust.7.Harm to the society by promiscuity,infidelity,divorce and disease.8.Worst of all,seperation from God.How can these known risks be love?To make matter worse,they separate us from God who is love.Ordinary human love does not satisfy and does not last.Only what last can satisfy human heartand yearning.A girl has a great responsibility to say'no'out of true love for her boyfriend.Her kindness for him should prompt her to say this 'no'early enough.It is true love that will enable a girl to make a very strict,unbending rule with a boy and vice versa. MASTERING OF SELF If you keep close to God in prayer,His power will strenghten you in all temptations.The power of the holy communion is very great in those who receive it constantly with love and sincerity.Satan feels defeated and runs away.God created all things and placed man over them all and said"Be master"(Gen.1:28-29).If God created and asked us to master the whole creation,certainly we have the power to master ourselves first.Sex problems are a part of the ordinary basic tensions of life.You need to go to someone whom you know will not deceive you.We are all children of God and Christ,our saviour.So we are not our own masters.We need to go to those wise persons working for Christ's kingdom on earth for spiritual direction. SEX IS GOOD AND SACRED The Bible tells us that all that God created is good.thereforeeee,sex which is created by God is good.Scripture teaches us that our body is sacred.Since sex is a part of that body,it is sacred too.As something good and sacred,it must be respected and use properly and correctly as intended by God the creator;and that is within marriage.It is only then that it expresses God's will,because true and responsible love between married couples is God's means for continuing the human race. TEMPTTION AND SELF-CONTROL Fear is one of the causes of tension and worry.Some people are so scrupulous that they fear temptations,especially with regard to sex.Temptation to do a bad thing is not the same as doing the bad thing.Christ Himself was tempted by satan but he did not fall into sin.Falling into sin delights satan.The devil comes in different ways to tempt you even using people older than you.Remember that when your senior and big people are doing bad things themselves,they feel guilty and unhappy to see young people trying to be good.By their fruits you will know them.Ordinary happy relationship with the opposite sex is what is needed.That is,the type of relationships existing in a good family atmosphere.All you need is to control yourself.It is false teaching to say one should have sexual intercourse to develope one's genital organs.What develop these organs are hormones.The hormones are produced from the substance you eat in various items of food.The body knows where each items has to go.You do not swallow a bone to develop your bone,or swallow a tooth to develop your own teeth;nor do you take somebody's height to add to your own height.No!!! These things develop themselves at their own time.So also,you do not need genital intercourse to develop the genital organs.Sexual intercourse is not taught either.It is very natural.Otherwise,who taught cats,rats and dogs sexual intercourse?Man and animals are the same in this regard.The only difference is that man has the power of self-control,but animals do not have self-control.A man who does not control himself behaves like an animal.Do you know that there were married men and women in history who never had sexual intercourse in their lives.There are even today thousands who are not married and never had sexual intercourse.These men and women are some of the finest people in history. SELF-CONTROL IS POSSIBLE Through prayer,you keep close to God.Determine to please God and not to anger Him.Receive the sacraments of confession and holy communion often.Never lie down with an opposite sex.It is foolish to say, I will be careful.Avoid dirty jokes,foolish laughter,and loose language especially with regard to sex.They make you very cheap.For the sake of yourself and society,do not contract veneral disease.It is not alway easy to cure.One sexual act is enough to give you the disease.Avoid indecent pictures and don't keep them in your room.They are satan 's powerful weapons to make you a slave of sex and sin.Do not lower yourself to an animal level.You are a rational being.Animals are irrational beings. SEX EDUCATION Many have handled this important education wrongly.Sex education starts in the family and involves the whole person,man or woman.As I said before,the actual sexual act is not taught as it is very natural.Sex education means that a man must be educated as a man and assume responsility as a man.The same applies to a woman;each knows what part he/she has to play in the society.For example,men are physically strong and can do heavier works.Women will help in the less heavier ones.So man and woman in this way compliment each other.Take a simple choir of girls and boys.Here both sexes use their voices to complement each other.The girls'voices sweeten the song and the boys 'voices gives weight to it.No matter how deep a girls' voice is ,it can be differentiated from that of a boy.No matter how tiny a boy makes his voice,it will never sound like that of a girl.There is sex differentiation of voices here.We also learn to dress and decorate ourselves according to our sex. WHY SEX EDUCATION It enables you to know what is going on in your own body and why.It is also an instruction you have a right to.It you teaches sacred facts about your own development.However,sex education should not be given as if it is the answer to all of life's problem.Knowledge in itself does not motivate a person or give discipline.If you look round,the so-called educated person,may and can be the most indiscipline.Break- ups in marriage are more common among the so-called educated upper classes in the society.The reason is that sensual and marital development is so rapid in these people that the moral and spiritual development is left behind.Yes,personal development causes tensions which may lead to much distress when not sufficiently understood..thereforeeee,everyone has a right to understand his/her own development.Such knowledge and understanding will help one to control one's natural impulses.They help to control sexual powers present in all of us,both men and women.One develops respect for other people,their whole person,body and soul.Without such knowledge and understading,one will fail in this basic christian commitment with harm to oneself,family and society. RIGHT EDUCATORS False beliefs and half-truths can cause people much suffering in life.Because of this,discovering the facts of life too late can be painful experience.So you should meet well-informed people who have deep human and religious values.The first people to perform the duty of sex education are parents.If they are well educated,they are the best because they have the good of their children at heart more than any other persons.Unfortunately,in most cases,they are not sufficiently well-informed for this task.Some parents do not even know when , how or where to start.The result is that their children are obliged to learn for themselves.Yes,the children do learn,but the wrong things,from the wrong source,and the wrong people.What they learn is often limited to how to avoid pregnancy and veneral disease.The teachers who come next in this important task of sex education think it is the parent's business.The most they do is through biology classes using rats and toads.This is not enough as they do not teach discipline and motivation. Worse still,giving information about biological facts sometimes arouses the children's curiosity. KNOWLEDGE IS NOT CONTROL Man is free to search for the truth.In finding it,he can use or abuse it.He can master his sexual desires or become a slave of sex,in which case it derives him to evil acts.It is thereforeeee necessary that sex education should present biological facts and moral valuestodether at the same time.Sexual discipline is an essential part of normal growth towards maturity.Religious,priests,and christian doctors have a very important role to play.There is need to educate people on chastity,respect for the moral order so that chastity triumphs over licentiousness.To do this effectively,the teacher need to be equipped with the right knowledge and understanding.Pope Paul VI in his encyclical "Humanae Vitae" urges all to realise that understanding of sex by younger people will enable them to control and use it properly for God's glory.The catholic Bishops in their statement on abortionand family planning ,1972,said they grow older,children should receive a positive and prudent education in matters relating to sex. CONSCIENCE Conscience is a moral faculty which tells us to follow the truth and do what is good and right.It helps us to develop true personal goodness and to avoid evil,lies and the wrongs which surrounds us.When conscience is developing,you begin to work out for yourself what is right or wrong.You know how to make your judgement from past experiences and observation,based on what you were taught by parents,teachers and elders,but more especially,through acquiring a knowledge of God.It is when you go against the directives of true conscience that you are guilty of doing wrong. GUILTY FEELING You should know when you begin to think,do,or say something which is againstyour conscience,against what you were taught to be right,good and true.You then feel uncomfortable,unpleasant and uneasy.Guilt-feeling arises from a well inferned mind.It leads you to ask questions and think before you act.You make a moral decision and decide on the principles on which you will build yourcharacter.Guilt-feeling is a warning light and a means of avoiding the burden of sin in your life.There canbe bad guilt-feeling arising from ignorance,faise shame,wrong teaching and scrupulousness.Scrupulous persons may be so guilt-conscious that they think everything they do or say is wrong or sinful.Scrupulousness is a faise indicator of guilt-feeling.It avoid scrupulousness,many people go to theother extreme of teaching wrong doctrines to surpress true conscience.Wrong doctrines can leadto loss of all awareness of right and wrong.Nothing matters as long as nobody sees you.You loseall sense of guilt.Guilt is the state of knowing when you have done wrong or have refused to do what is right.Right and true conscience will not allow you to surpress guilt feelings entirely to the extent that you lose all awareness of right and wrong.Rather,it allows your guilt-feelings to be applied to the rights and wrongs of sexual acts in the same way as to all other actions. RIGHT AND WRONG USE OF SEX: By now ,you know that genital sex-act transmits life.Because of this sacred function it plays,the use of it is reserve for marriage.This is so because,it is only in marriage that the family unit is specially geared towards the welfare of the new life.Everything God created is good;so also is sex.It is from the way we use it that the abuse comes.Then,it becomes very ugly and scandalous .Take eating and drinking for example.They are good.Christ even attended banquets.He went to the extent of changing water into wine to make sure that the wedding feast is well supplied.But when you use eating and drinking wrongly,you spend all your money and become like a wild beast.Then ,the wrong use of what is good has led you into sin.The same thing applies to sex.When used wrongly,it can be very cruel.The momemtary pleasure you enjoy may cause long-lasting ill-effects on yourself and others.You may have to spend a lot of money to bring your health back to normal again.This happens when the abuse is within or outside marriage.What you are is evident from your words and actions.Your words and actions are based on your thoughts.If you want to discover the type of person you are,study your actions and omissions,watch what you do and say.If you do good or bad,it is the whole person doing it,not just a part of the body.If you steal,it is not only your hand steals but your whole self.You are known as a thief.If you kill,you are know as a murderer.The same thing applies to sex and worse is that you sin against yourself.What you are now is a prostitute.If you keep yourself holy,what you are is a holy person.Do not be fooled by the slogan"everyone is doing it".There are many men and women who are doing their best to discipline themselves and express true love in the right way.Do not go by public opinion but go by Jesus's command.God our Father has already forbidden us to use our bodies wrongly.He wants us to be pure,to be holy as He ,Himself is holy.He went further to tell us in the scripture that our body is the temple of God.thereforeeee,as a temple of God,we have to keep it holy for Him to be with us.Is this not enough reason to keep yourself chaste? KEEP WATCH As an adult,you discover that sexual organs give pleasure.You are attracted to a persons of the opposite sex.You will be tempted to masturbation or homosexuality if you do not keep watch.Masturbation is self-stimulation.Homosexuality is having genital sexual relations with someone of the same sex.All these are signs of a perverted personality,a distorted human sexuality and are sinful as well.Parents and teachers should be particularly careful and show more understanding towards their growing children at this delicate and difficult stage in their children's lives.Instead of showing their concern and support,they may add to their children's fears and tensions and drive them to hetro-sexuality,i.e having sexual relations with someone of the opposite sex.Many young people who are scared away by their parents have run into disaster.Out of ignorance,they think that theere is nothing anyone can do to help them. BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO? Do not be afraid!!!Watch and pray that you do not fall into temptation.Genuine and true love can exist out sexual intercourse.You have enough srength and grace within you to comtri your sexual desires.There is no need to fear.Show people little acts of kindness and charity out of love for God.The type of love that entails sacrifice is the true christian love .Christ said;"Love your nighnour as yourself as I have loved. ."He wants you to compete with him.Love is great help in overcoming temptations.It is essential for thefull and mature developmant of your person.Are you attracted to a person of the opposite sex?Well,physical beauty and an attractive personality is an attractive personality are gifts from God.Do not stop at your admiration of the creatures ;rather go beyond it to admire the creator of such beauty.In so doing,the creatures leads you to the creator.God is pleased if you admire the work of his hand;and who will not pleased?So be careful that in admiring,you do not spoil or corrupt the object of your admiration and yourself.The devil always destroys what is good.Do not allow him to work on you.Do not be IDLE.It is an opportunity for the devil to work on you.Avoid bad pictures and books that will stimulate evil desires in you.They are the gate-way to hell.Avoid bad company;concentrate on your job,studies,games and hobbies.Do some challenging works of kindness to others,helping your parents at home whether it is convenient or inconvenient for you.Your spirit of faith and love for Jesus makes you grow both loving and lovable in the eyes of the Lord and man and lesson your temptations because you find your satisfaction in Christ.It helps you to share people's joys and sorrows and to be generous in making sacrifices to aid those in need.Seek advice from a good and wise spiritual director.Always be near to God through prayer and sacraments.Christ understands and loves you just as you are.He is the most beautiful and lovable of all men(Ps.44).So hang on to Him till He shows you His will and His plan for your life,either through marriage or through religious life.To sum up;what you can do is to control your thoughts,words,actions and senses,and to keep in touch with God through prayer."With God,all things are possible with God is majority. THIS POST ANSWERS MOST RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS I HAVE BEEN READING AND PONDERING WHAT COULD BE THE BEST SOLUTION. Read and pick up the goods in this post.We must all bear witness to the truth. Thanks for reading. I strongly and posirively hope that this help in your life struggles. LOVE AND PEACE!!!!!!
  18. hi there i'm 22 and i'm out to some people want to come out bit at the same time i love women at this time in my live i have an friend that we both just broke up with our girlfriends to be with each other i knew him some time back and we trysome thing but didn't work out cause we both believe in god but know we are doing things again is it wrong? will he pull out like two years ago? or am i'm mess up in the head? my good friends tell me to do what makes me happy and he does but they are saying do what i wan tin the long run and that is haveing an wife and kids what do i do
  19. It's only taken me about five months but I had a bit of a ground breaking thought tonight. I could cope with the fact that my ex dumped me, ended our engagement, but what I found really hard was what she said when she was ending it. She said that she was going straight out to find another relationship, which I just found to be a reallly cruel thing to say. That bit really stung that I was being cast aside after all the time we had been together. I have being trying to work on forgiving her cause ultimiltly I feel that is the only real way forward for me. But the thing I couldn't forgive her for was the cruelty of saying that she was going straight out to replace me. So my revelations was, maybe I needed her to say what she said, just to make sure I didn't keep trying to reconnect with her. Maybe I needed to be really disgusted by her actions so that I had the strength to walk away completely ? Maybe she did me a favour ? Don't get me wrong I am not giving her any credit for being cruel !! But maybe God was looking out for me and helped me along the path I need to travel ..... who knows .... trying to be positive here lol
  20. OK I'm recovered from a breakdown. I'm broke. Back at mom's. Lost everything. So rebuilding. Met a semi-famous guy online indirectly through facebook. He wants to meet. I even feel ugly these days. Lost some weight which is good but my clothes don't fit right. I can't afford anything really broke. My hair is awful lately i even fried my bangs. He wants to send me a car. I only needed to pay the delivery fee. Well he sent me a check to cover it and more. Remember ex totally abused my credit. Bank is verifying the check which is taking a week because I just opened an account. The banker called first to see if they could open it, said not to use it, i have by depositing the check. But i couldn't cash the check too large for this neck of the woods. Guy was hoping to be here this weekend and if all was smooth he would be. But lots off glitches. Lots. We've been in communication since March. I don't want him to think I'm blowing him off. I totally want to move forward I can't even believe it's been so challenging to meet. I also can't believe he's dealt with my recovery the messages I must have sent. He's very busy. His time is tightly scheduled. But we chat almost daily, video chat, rare phone call. I keep saying things like God's timing, but what else can I say? I'm dying to meet him he said his gifts have to arrive before he does. Which bugs me because it's been so challenging. But I get there's a reason for it. Really pissed him off when my family said he was a scam to him on video chat. I was supposed to pay the nominal delivery fee. He got tired of waiting. Oh yeah I'm trying to show I'm not totally dependant and have an interview Tuesday. Though therapy I'm learning I'm a codependent type. Um they'd teach me how not to be but its a 6 month program and a job which gives me what I need; income, would mean I can't make that therapy. I hear there's another one though. Also he wants to whisk me away he says. I prayed about it. Good things. Minus homesickness. But I'll get through it. He knows all probably too much. But I wanted to be honest.
  21. I found the You Tube Channel of a friend who I no longer have contact with on any level. I worked with her, We were good friends, I was toxic our friendship ended but we still worked together I got help left her alone (Unless something work related happened which was rarely) I don't know why maybe she saw me grow as a person and she told a mutual friend that she wanted to be friends with me again. I was both happy and scared. Happy that she saw me grow as a person but scared if we became friends again I would fall back again. I told the mutual friend that I have nothing but love for this person because by God putting her in my life I felt so blessed that I grew as a person, So anyway a few months later I got a transfer and I knew I was never going to see or hear from this person ever again (unless God has other plans) I thought about saying nothing but then I though no, This person was special to me and God blessed me by putting her in my life. So I gave her a little good bye ceremony. She had told me she wanted to be writer so I gave her a blank journal and wrote some inspirational things, I told her she was a blessing in her life. I gave her three ribbons two blue one pink, I said it was symbolic since I was not going to be around The pink was if she ever had a baby girl. The blue was for a baby blue and the last blue was if she ever got married and needed something blue. The final thing I gave her a pen which I had engraved with an acronym starting with her initials and the letters MJBYLYAKY GB which I told her was acronym for MAY JESUS BLESS YOU LOVE YOU AND KEEP YOU GOD BLESS. Saying goodbye like this made it so much easier to let go and I hope it did the same for her too, I am not saying I never think of her or I never miss her or that I never reflect back on my mistakes sometimes. But I just want her to be happy in her life, Anyway for some unknown reason I looked at her You Tube channel and I noticed she changed her profile pic (She had not posted in many years so I just assumed it was doormat) So an idea came into my head to wish her a happy birthday but how do I do this on a public forum and not embarass her (One of my toxic traits was that I did not respect social media boundaries to say the least. So how do I do this,My you tube channel does not have my name but she might be able to guess it was me For example I might wright something like For all those out there who like Michael Jackson and don't want to BEAT IT (The song) I would like to wish you all a very Happy birthday and for a special friend who because God put that person in my life I grew as a person May Your Silver (she turns 25) year and every year after bring you closer to your golden dreams. The end, My meaning is for it to be an eternal birthday wish,Kind of to let her know in a way that although our season in life is over, She is not forgotten. BUT I am torn about whether this is a good idea or not. Part of me says It is a great idea and might make her birthday a little bit special. and ANOTHER part of me says Leave it alone. The way you said goodbye was more than enough Thank You all in advance for taking the time and any opinions that will help me decide one way or the other,\
  22. Hi, First I am not here to talk about my story (I babbled enough about that in Personal Growth) But I am interested in other people's experiences in Good byes. Not so much to someone who is dying. But rather people in our lives who are leaving forever one way or the other. If you gave one someone a special goodbye, How did it make you feel? If you recieved it How did it make you feel . For reasons I do not want to get in here. I had to say goodbye forever to someone who I will always feel was a blessing in my life. (I am repeating that part of my story for the readers of this forum) I wanted to cover every aspect I could think of because I was never going to have a chance, First, She saw my eyes watering and asked me to stop. I said I needed to continue and asked her if I could (She said okay but if she said No I would have stopped) First I gave her a blank journal because she once told me she wanted to be a writer, I wrote stuff in it to inspire her like Hi I am your journal use me for anything but I think you can write great things, I told her that I thought I was supposed to be a blessing in my life but I have learned you were the blessing in mine. I then took 3 ribbons 2 Blue One pink and I said I know this is only symbolic but I am not going to be around if and when these things happen, I said the blue and pink are for if you have a baby boy and girl someday and the other blue ribbon was for is she needed something blue if she married one day. Finally I gave her a pen that I had engraved with a bunch of letters. I told her it was an acronym prayer and that each letter was the first letter in the word, I asked her if she could guess, She told me she knew the first letters which was her initials, So then I told her the rest was May Jesus Bless You Love You and Keep You, and then we hugged and that was it, ......................Now was that too much? Maybe but on the other hand I could not let this person leave my life without letting her know in my own way How much God putting her as a blessing in my life (There was a time I had decided not to do the whole goodbye but something happened that changed my mind that I will cover in my other forum at some point) 2. It helped me to let go with the exception of a little bump I went through and got over with the help of the wonderful people on this site because I forgot something in the goodbye), I also hope it helped her in some way and if nothing else maybe give her a memory that although was sad will make her smile someday if she ever thinks back on it. As I said I am not looking for advice. But please I am in your opinions and goodbye stories
  23. Fill this emptiness with a pill. Wash these sorrows with one swig. its hard to stay level, its hard to stay sober, when every other god dam word out of your mouth is sorry. Blow away these images with a bullet. Slit the pain with a knife. Its hard to stay calm, its hard to stay stable, when all your lies come undone. Drown these sobs with gasoline. Suffocate the sadness with a pillow. its hard to stay happy, its hard to stay a live, when all you do is hurt me. (its a work in progress, still not perfected. Tell me what you think. criticism welcomed!)
  24. Please do not take any of this seriously or anything. I just need to let out some of my corrupted thoughts... We are all trapped in our own unique cages. Each one of us is a product of society. Some claim that we each have a body, soul, and spirit. Some claim that each of us must contain God. How can we contain something that we cannot see, touch, hear, or even smell? It must be wonderful for those who really believe with all of their heart that He exists. I felt that feeling one time. I remember all too well. One week I began to have so many doubts and all of the sudden my spirit was destroyed. Now I am just another weak human who wonders around this planet thinking that they are the best and wanting intimacy in their life. Now I am just another weak 'soul' who will most likely be miserable for the rest of their life. Miserable because I have this mindset that I must find out what life really is. I must find out the reality of it all. But I get the feeling that I will never figure it all out. That I will ponder these kind of things and never go out and get a girlfriend or make new friends. These thoughts have taken over me for the last few months. I know inside that I still need help. I have no idea who to turn to. I have no idea who to even listen to. Because people in general are willing to be deceptive. But what I love the most, what I cherish most. Is that I know what the reality of me. I am safe inside my head. I will never have to ponder anything about myself other than my role on this planet. I have a conscious to cherish. How wonderful is that? Who is God? Did he make that? How? Why?
  25. If I can endure for this minute Whatever is happening to me, No matter how heavy my heart is Or how dark the moment may be ... If I can remain calm and quiet With all the world crashing about me, Secure in the knowledge God loves me When everyone else seems to doubt me ... If I can but keep on believing What I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with the morning And that "this will pass away, too!" ... Then nothing in life can defeat me For as long as this knowledge remains I can suffer whatever is happening For I know God will break all the chains That are binding me tight in "the darkness" And trying to fill me with fear ... For there is "no night without dawning" And I know that "my morning" is near.
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