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  1. Hello, I have a crush on a coworker at the school I work at, which developed a few months ago. We both work together at the after school club and are a similar age (24). There's been some instances where I don't know if he likes me too or is just being friendly. He's French and moved here in October, and I've been helping him practice his English at work. Some kids at work said we're in love so planned our wedding and we got "married". I've often seen him looking at me and looks away when I catch him. He always makes jokes and laughs with me (again, probably just friendly but my crush brain wants to think otherwise haha). He told me that he always thinks about me when he sees / hears about a football player because we're from the same place. This is long but I'm just giving instances where I've wondered if he feels similarly.. He recently brought clothes shopping with him to work, and another colleague asked him why he had all of them and he said it was because he needed to impress me, then told me not to worry and that he was trying & getting there (said in French so might not translate the same). I know it was a joke but there was an annoying part of me that wondered if he meant it a little. He also repeats my name a lot to himself, e.g. after he's said hello to me he'll repeat it, or after someone else says my name he starts to repeat it to himself. An old friend of mine works at the school during the week and said she thinks he likes me. Not sure if that means anything but there we go 🙂 Sorry this is so long! But I'd appreciate any replies as I'm annoyed at myself for overthinking little things about our interactions haha.
  2. Hi All, I have a question. I have a male coworker that acts weird around me. So when I first started at this company I was heavier and the gyms had not opened yet due to Covid, but when they did, I lost 11kgs, started working out regularly, I have gained muscle, I am fit and I eat as clean as possible. I have changed my wardrobe and am generally more confident in myself. He spoke to me for the first time in June this year and he started asking me if I was married, etc and I said no, I’ve been single for 6 years - he asked why, I said because I don’t want what other people want...I am in my 30s and want to move overseas after COVID. Anyway, so that was the first time we spoke and we have spoken maybe 4 more times since then. He tends to look at me and then look away quickly if I end up looking back. I break eye contact most of the time because I am on the phone or dealing with something. We share a common thing which is we both train at the gym but not at the same gym. He only speaks to me when I speak to him first. TBH I say hi first cause I don’t want it to be AWKWARD. All my coworkers tell me he is a womaniser - I also think he is seeing someone else so this is weird for me. Long story short, I have been busy lately with everything and haven’t being paying attention etc. He does this weird thing where he won’t look @ me when I speak to him - he will look straight ahead or he has his phone on him almost all the time and when we end up in the lunch room, I try to be friendly but not flirty. I got flowers from one of my clients and he said “do I need to step in here?” I said no. Lately he gives me death stares almost. The other day we were in the lunch room with 3 of my female co workers and he turned away from us so that he wasn’t looking at us. I don’t want to date him or anything I just hate weirdness that’s all. Any ideas on is going on? Look forward to someone’s opinion and/or advice. Cheers,Ena
  3. I work with this very shy girl and she’s extremely confusing and hard to read. We sit near each other and she stares at me all the time. Like ALL the time. From where I sit I can clearly see her in my side vision, without looking directly at her, and she’s constantly staring at me. When she gets up from her desk, when she sits back down, when she walks to the printer, when she gets a coffee, or whatever, she sneaks glances or just outright stares at me. And if I look up and catch her eye, she’ll often hold my gaze or will sometimes blush and look away. It’s so frequent that when she stares over at me recently, her colleagues who face her will see her staring and then turn all the way around to see what she keeps looking at. So far so good. But whenever we get up close, it all changes. If we walk by each other in the office and she sees me coming, she’ll look away like I’m not there and will walk right by me without saying anything. And if we both get up from our desks at the same time and start walking to the same place (coffee machine or whatever) she’ll hold back and wait until I’ve done what I needed to do and have left before she then goes over to the same place. And when I try to talk to her, she’s super quiet and aloof and only gives me short answers. She generally seems bored by me, has no expression on her face and will make no effort to talk with me. I’ll ask how her day’s going and she’ll say “okay”. I’ll ask what her plans are for the weekend and she’ll say “not much”. And she never asks anything about me. Sometimes she’s even actively cold and rude to me. She will cross her arms, glare at me when I’m talking to her and seem genuinely pi**ed at me. And all I’m doing is trying to have a friendly chat with her. But then when I realise I’m getting nowhere and I say “well I guess I’d better get back to my desk before this coffee gets cold” or whatever, her face changes and her cold and hostile demeanour immediately vanishes and all of a sudden she looks very sad and vulnerable as if she was enjoying me talking to her, or like she either doesn’t understand why I’m leaving or is upset at herself that she’s driving me away. It's so confusing. Then we get back to our desks and she’s right back to gazing at me for the rest of the day, until the next time we see each other around the office and she again ignores me or gives me the cold shoulder. But when she chats to other guys, she’s fine. Friendly, chatty and engaging. She’s still very shy, but she’s at least sociable with them. To give some context about me, I’ve always been told I’m a good looking guy and I’m very friendly, outgoing and socially confident. I get on well with everyone in the office and many of my female colleagues have told me straight-up that they love working with me and that they always look forward to when we’re paired up on projects. When we DM about work stuff, they always say they miss me when we’re not working together and put loads of kisses in their messages. They also say things like they can’t wait until “we’re together again” when they talk about our upcoming projects, so there’s always a lot of easy and fun communication going on. I’ve also always had a successful dating and sex life and have been in some great and very healthy long-term relationships. And all of my best friends throughout my life are female, so I’m fairly sure I’m not just some creepy incel weirdo who can’t talk to women and who women want to avoid. Except for this one person, who makes me wonder if I totally am that kind of guy. So what’s her deal? Why does she stare all the time and seem sad when I end conversations if she’s not attracted to me? But why does she also give me such rude and hostile treatment if she does like me? I’ve never dated a shy person and none of my social circle are shy people, so maybe this is common behaviour, but I have no clue and certainly can’t understand her. She’s so beautiful and when I hear her talking to other people she seems very smart, funny, sweet and kind. But I never get to see that side of her, except from a distance. And I don’t want to keep trying to get to know her if she really dislikes me, but I also don’t want to give up if she does like me and just needs time to feel confident enough to open up and feel okay talking to me. Thanks for any advice you can give me.
  4. I don't understand. I am hurt, yes. Why do they do that? I don't understand men. I went and got involved emotionally. I have crushed on a man for awhile. It is a coworker. I know I sound like I'm 17. I'm not talking about overt flirting or anything. When we were in the office, I did catch a vibe, but I also got mixed signals...there seemed to be attraction, then not...I think all of us can relate to that. Things advanced. We started texting outside work. It turns out this "vibe" was accurate. I was pretty excited and happy about it. Yes, I know, work relationships are not the best idea. I have posted as much on many occasions on the board. I understand the risks. I think that given we are coworkers, I allowed myself to believe that this situation would not be a "player" situation and that crossing over that professional line meant this would be something that was more serious. It turned out to be about the same as many of my online dating experiences...lots of talk, not a lot of action. No meet, no text....I failed my own advice. I guess because I thought this situation was different. Why? Why do they do this? I am just so lost on this! Why do men pursue, make it seem like they want something serious, but they never have the time to actually meet? They talk a lot about meeting..."I can't wait until..." and the day never comes. Umm, a little hint, you actually have to meet in person if you want the kissing, touching, etc. He seemed interested in me genuinely. He seemed to want to pursue something serious, long-term. As we were texting, I couldn't nail him down on meeting. He accelerated to intimate discussion (nothing raunchy), and let's circle back to the above sentence -- we actually have to meet in person if we're going to kiss, touch, sex. The thing is, why pursue talking with me, pursue dating me, move into intimate discussions with me if you don't have the time and you are not available? WHY? Why?? What is going on? When I am interested in someone, I make the time. Maybe to a fault. I don't want to lose that momentum. These guys? They talk the talk and make it seem like they really like you, want to be with you, get to know you more...but they don't have the time. Too busy. Not available until "later", and when is "later?" "Later" never comes. Why do they do this? WHY?? Why do they actively pursue a relationship if they do not have time to actually pursue a relationship? Why aren't they more excited about getting together in person, like I am? So I'm hurt. I don't understand why this man actively pursued me, but he had no time. I don't understand why he moved into more intimate discussions when he didn't have the time to actually meet with me in person. I just don't get it. This post is a vent and not so much seeking advice, though I am happy hear your responses. I'm mostly kicking myself right now for not following my own advice and getting lost in the idea of a good relationship, thinking because we know each other in person, he wouldn't be a jerk. Maybe some men could chime in and tell me why you do this. Why do you pursue someone when you do not have the time?
  5. There’s a guy I work with (we’ll call him Scott) who I’ve been interested in for a while, and I could tell he was also interested in me because I catch him looking at me a lot. We’ve never approached each other though because we’re both pretty shy. On Friday one of my coworkers invited me out for drinks after work with some of our other coworkers, including Scott. So of course I went. Everything started out fine.. we were all drinking and laughing and having a good time. When the person who was sitting next to me at our table went home, Scott came over and sat next to me and was holding my hand under the table. I was about 4 drinks in and should have stopped there, but I was still nervous so I kept drinking. After the others went home, Scott and I went back to my car, talked for a little while and started making out. I don’t remember much after that. The next morning I woke up in my bed and looked out the window at my driveway and saw my car wasn’t there. Apparently I took an Uber home. I checked my texts and saw that Scott had asked if I got home okay, and I had drunkenly replied that I did but still wanted to hang out with him more and asked if he wanted to go back out that same night, and if not we could go out some other time. He didn’t respond. I also saw that I had called him 4 times (ugh). Later in the day (Saturday) I texted him saying that I had a good time. He replied a couple minutes later saying “Yeah it was fun” but that was it and I haven’t heard from him since. Today is Sunday so it’s only been a couple days, but I’m worried that I was being an annoying clingy drunk and it turned him off. Is there any chance he might still be interested or did I blow it? What should I do? I’m dreading having to see him at work tomorrow. If he ignores me or avoids me I’ll be crushed.
  6. Long story short I've been dating a guy in work for three months now. We both have strong feelings for each other but he said last week that he is too afraid of a relationship and getting hurt that he can't give me the committment I want (he told me these worries at the start) He is very conflicted over this as he wishes he wasn't afraid. We cried together for hours when having this whole conversation about committment. Another thing to note is that during the whole conversation we both said we still care for one another and things weren't left bitter or awkward between us. After the conversation we didn't explicitly say that we weren't seeing each other anymore. A few hours later I texted him saying we should get some breathing space and room to think and then talk in a few days. He agreed with this. Its coming up to 7 days later and he hasn't contacted me again (I refuse to text him first as he is the one with the issue). The problem I need most help with is that we have a meeting in work with 3 others on Monday and I really want to get out of it. The thought of it makes me so anxious and upset having to sit in a room with him while he hasn't even texted me since our conversation. But another part of me says I should walk into that room with confidence and be strong and show him what he's missing out on, a mature, strong and confident young woman. Should I go to the meeting or save myself the heartache?? Thanks so much
  7. Guys how do you know when your husband talks too much about a coworker ? He's worked with her for 10 years and she is a real chatterbox by all accounts . I've met her a few times and she is really lovely, as is her husband. We are all a similar age. I've never really had concerns until recently as he brings her up 4/5 every day. We have both had babies in recent years and she is always talking about her babies, giving advice as hers as slightly older than ours . When husband talks about her in the evenings it's generally stories she tells him about her kids or advice she gives about them. Never really brings her up in any other context. He even admits himself that he's bringing her into conversation AGAIN before he mentions her. When he mentions her I just say to myself here we go again. I don't need to know what she does with her kids all the time. How would you feel about this ? Should I mention im uncomfortable with it? Could he be developing feelings ?
  8. Would you guys choose a job that is 15 min from where you live walking, but which is a new one, or another one where you feel more connected with people since you have been working there for one year and you have very good colleagues there, but which is 20 min by bus and which means that during the whole day you cannot get home during breaking hours? All the other conditions are the same. P.S consider that some relaxing at home is really important when working 8h + 2 breaking hours just like in both of these places.
  9. basically i have a coworker who i have gotten close to and hang out with outside of work so i would consider her a friend. she knows that i was kind of interested in our other coworker. he's honestly kind of an f boy and will do subtle things like snapchat gym pics and rub my arm and shoulders. then also talk about how everyone wants to bang him. so this is honestly not so much about him, im so over wanting guys like him. its that she at first essentially said she doesnt want him so i can have him, which already rubbed me the wrong way bc our friendship was new and i was like woah what makes you think i would need you to bow out in order for me to be able to have him. hes not her type, and they barely talked so i brushed it off. but me and him became friends at the same time that her and i's friendship grew so naturally i brought them closer in friendship. before she honestly kind of avoided him and she told me it was on purpose since hes the type to think everyone wants him. i told her i knew she was probably doing that and i dont like giving him the satisfsction of flirting back either since its just a game to him. but when i said i feel like her avoiding him makes him more curious about her, her eyes kind of lit up. fast forward, we all went out to get a drink and he added us on insta. she then later initiated a group chat with him and i which i thought was kind of weird. like its always just work related jokes we send but if shes so uninterested in him why bother growing that relationship outside of work. then she was telling me she was joking with him about other coworkers. to me its annoying because i know how girls are and i feel like she's seeking him out just little bc of the fact that i liked him and him and i had a friendship first. im not trying to sound childish i just want to get this out bc i know im not making stuff up in my head and this is such a stupid problem that i wanna hear what other people think. idk if im painting the best picture just how shes doing it is in that super subtle competitive way that girls do. and im irritated that friends still are like this in their 20s.
  10. Before I begin, I know I'm a terrible person and I do not condone any of what I did. A few weeks back I was away on business, while away I met a new colleague, we connected really quickly and seemed to have a lot in common. The days were long so of an evening it was a relief to have a drink. Most of our other colleagues went off to bed early most nights, leaving him and I left until last orders at the bar. One night, he invited me back to his room to "raid the mini bar" as we hadn't finished drinking yet. I had assumed this was all innocent, we are complete opposites of eachother, he's long haired, tattoed, heavy metal lover, and I am a petite, blonde who loves star wars and crocheting. Anyway, after drinking another bottle of wine, he kissed me. I told him it was a terrible thing to do as we both were in relationships, I left the room and the next day we didn't discuss what happened. On our final night away, we resorted to the normal ritual of drinking the day away, this time more of our colleagues stayed out to drink. This is when I noticed him look across at me and gesture for me to come to bed. I stupidly did. I cant say I regret it, it was exciting and wild and we stayed up all night talking about everything, it sounds incredibly cliche but I have never connected with someone so quickly and had such intense feelings. He asked if we could put it all behind us and never discuss it with anyone. I agreed. After arriving home, I had been having doubts about my current relationship for months and this kind of iced the cake that I wasn't happy anymore. I ended things, I was honest about my reasons why and for what had happened while I was away. Back in work, things escalated. He told me how be felt so strongly towards me, how he couldn't go home and look at his partner. I discouraged his behaviour until he'd made some sort of decision about what he wanted. Flash forward, he confessed to his partner what happened and how he is in love with me, but he wants to stick at there relationship and try and make it work? Now, that's his choice and I am in no position to dispute it. The problem is that she's forced him to block me on all forms of social media, although we see eachother every day. He has kept me on Snapchat, in secret and has even admitted to unlocking me on social media to look at pictures of me. Work isn't awkward because i feel like I try to keep some sort of professionalism between us, but I am not convinced at his behaviour. The tension between us is so strong and I stay away from him as best as I can. I don't know what to do? I am not convinced he's made the best decision for himself and I don't want to be influencing him otherwise? I feel I've been used more than anything, although he disagrees when I try to address it? How does it sound to an outsider? I feel like I'm going crazy!
  11. This summer for the first time ever, I (20F) had someone who seemed genuinely interested in pursuing me. He (19M) was my coworker and this, combined with the fact that he was very flirty (gave me "player" vibes) made me hesitant to be involved with him in a romantic sense. After getting my number, he consistently texted me, complimenting my appearance, asking about my day/saying good morning, telling me about himself etc. Sometimes we would spent the whole day texting each other. As time went on, I began to grow fond of him (as a friend) and eventually began to really like him. It felt like he actually cared about me and saw me as special. I wasn't used to this at all and it felt really nice to have someone to talk to and laugh with, as I was pretty lonely. So I decided to give him a chance. Before doing so though, I let him know that I was going back to school after the summer was over (my school is about 45 minutes away but I don't come home much during the semester). I tried to use this as a last attempt to insist on being friends (I was a bit afraid of getting into something that would inevitably end), but he seemed okay with it, which made me think that he was still interested in continuing this after summer was over. [/indent] [/indent]Fast forward a week or two, he asked me to come over his house to hang out. I was extremely nervous, as we had never hung out outside of work yet and I didn't really want the first time hanging out to be at his house. I eventually agreed however and ended up having sex with him (lost my virginity). He had to go to a meeting afterwards so I left. I was a bit afraid after this because I thought that maybe this is all he had wanted, and that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. However, he texted me to check up on me and I felt reassured that he actually liked me. However, I did notice a change in behavior about a week or two after. All the affectionate texts and phone calls grew less and less and the mental/emotional interest turned mainly sexual. Now, I was definitely into him sexually as well, but I began to miss how it was when we first started talking. As the time came closer for me to leave, the texting and calling (affectionate or not) dropped dramatically. Now I did reach out and text and call him first a few times, but I still began to panic and feel very afraid that he was losing interest. We hooked up about 3 more times, and each time I felt so used afterwards, as he didn't seem attentive to my pleasure (think "pump and dump") and would be very distant after sex. I began to wonder what he was thinking about us and what it he considered our relationship to be, but I was too scared of rejection to ask and decided to say nothing. We barely communicated the week before I left and the last day I saw him at work, I left a goodbye letter in his bag. In the letter, I pretty much just said how great it was to have met him, how glad I was he was my first and how I would miss him. He responded the next day saying how sweet it was and that he hoped I "found my way" and that I was special. I was devastated, as his wording made me feel that we would never speak again. The next few days were incredibly hard, as I felt depressed and couldn't eat or get out of bed till late afternoon. 3 days later however, he called me to check up on me. This had not only surprised me, but made my sad feelings go away almost instantly. I began to have hope that maybe we would still talk. The phone call was very short, barely five minutes but it was enough to give me some hope. However, that hope was short-lived. Now I had just started school a few days ago and we haven't spoken since Monday. Based on watching his snapchat, it seems as if he has already began talking to someone else (it seemed like he was on a date). I feel like my chest is being ripped apart because I still think about him all the time and have feelings for him, but it seemed as if he moved on so fast and doesn't even care about me. I know we hadn't been talking for long (June to August) but I still feel so attached to him. I don't know how to go on. Any advice on how to cope is much appreciated. TL;DR Had a bit of a summer fling with a coworker. He was my first everything and I got attached. Had to go back to school and spoke to him a few days ago but it seems he has already found another girl based on his social media. Heartbroken and don't know how to cope, as I feel I can't focus on school.
  12. So a few months ago we got a new hire at the store I work at. So far “Connie” has been doing a great job and I really enjoy working with her. (I’m also a girl btw). The times we work together we actually have a lot of fun. We joke, laugh and I get excited when I know we are scheduled together. We’re also the same age (early 20s) and share some common interests. I’m only there on the weekends though and I don’t get to see her as often so I would love to be friends outside of work with her but I’m not sure how. We talk about work a lot but I want to try to talk about other things but don’t want to come off as being too personal. Side note she just moved into town and she doesn’t know anyone outside the store so maybe that could be an angle I could use. Any tips? Thanks!
  13. Hey guys need a bit of advice on how to move forward on a quite complex relationship break up. Pardon me for the wall of text. Last year I started seeing a 'coworker'. I quote that because we do not work directly together, but we see each other a lot at lunch times, staff meetings and social events related to common work friends. That's only when we are around since our jobs involve a lot of travelling, staying away from town for weeks. Things started well, we saw each other a lot, but at the same time we were both pretty relaxed about our relationship expectations. We had a deal where we would have a more classic 'girlfriend-boyfriend' relationship when we were both around, but we consented on seeing other people while away or having a 'special friend' coming over. When this happened (just a couple of times on each side) we just let each other know in a respectful way and went back to where we were. After about 5 months together she started to act colder. After a month being away, time in which I was the only one making an effort to keep contact through texting, she decided to break up. It's hard to know the real reasons since she was quite vague, but said she was just not in a right mind frame to continue a romantic relationship, and wished to keep a close friendship. At this point I was expecting something like this, so I tried to be as mature and understanding as possible, and agreed to let it go. As a condition, I only asked her to give me space (no contact for a while) and said maybe to a future friendship. After more than a month of not talking, we started doing friendly small talk around the office, which led 2-3 weeks after, to her asking me to get a drink together before she left town for a month. That went well, we had a 'safe' conversation and said bye to each other for a while. With my new friendly vision of her I went and dropped a text after a couple of weeks to see how she was going. Some days after she replied with a two-liner and after I tried to continue the conversation she never replied. For my surprise this made me feel really bad. I think I moved past the fact that we could not have a romantic relationship, but I still had an attraction for her, and feeling ignored brought back really intense feelings of rejection. At this point things got weird (at least from my perspective), we had really mild and awkward talks when we stumbled upon each other, since I was not sure if I had to treat her as every other coworker or as this closer friend. Until again, some weeks down the line she asked for another drink catch up. We did it and I felt like we were back again to the same point we were when we did our first catch up. However, next day things went back to being cold and weird, which was really disappointing. Recent trouble starts here. At a common friend's party, in which she did not approach me for hours, after I had one too many beers, I went to talk to her. Conversation turned into all the things we didn't tell each other after 4 months since the break up. She turned very defensive when I (probably mistakenly) asked her about what went wrong with our past relationship and told her I was not feeling too good about our current relationship. As she did not want to talk at that moment we left the discussion and I asked her through text to have a conversation. She spent 2 weeks to get back to me (which felt horrible) and 2 more to find time for a meetup. There I confronted her on how I was not doing alright with keeping no close contact except for these odd catch ups. She argued that she has this sort of relationship with many people, and rejected keeping more contact. I tried to be as sincere as possible and express how this new friendship didn't feel like one, since it seemed very one-sided. She has full power to decide when to see me and when to feel free to not even reply a text. Seeing that she was not offering any agreement, I told her I would prefer to leave things as colleagues, and leave social interaction in the office and the occasional socialising in a group environment. At this point she got visibly annoyed to the point she left angrily. This was 2 days ago. Yesterday we were both at a birthday party of a common colleague and out of pure confusion about how to react to her, things felt so awkward that in the split second we crossed eyes, we both looked away. We obviously didn't cross a word either. 'She didn't stick around for long, and after she left the party, I got a pretty nasty text from her blaming me about being a 'drama queen', 'making things awkward' and 'making it really clear how I did not want to be around her'. I was really confused about what did I do exactly, but still felt really bad, so I replied letting her know I was not aware of what exactly she was referring to, while apologising for making her feel bad. No reply from her. It's the day after and I really have no clue how to face this person next time we cross each other. Just writing it down now, everything feels like a bunch of really small stupid things blew up enormously. I think the same situation with someone I don't have to see often would have naturally fell into place by now, but the contact-no contact periods over such along stretch of time (5 months since the break up) are messing with my head. Any advice or opinion is welcome. She leaves for a couple of months in two weeks and I am confused on how to make things right. I really care about her, so I would still like to keep a quality friendship, but above all, if that's not possible, I want to find a way to not have bad blood between us and create drama around work. Eneko
  14. I have been with my company for over 7 years and have developed a healthy respect and rapport with my colleagues and internal partners, being a reliable expert in my area's responsibilities. I am not someone with massive ambitions to climb the career ladder, so I have not pursued other roles within the company, having stayed in my position and becoming a semi-senior (still reporting to the same manager, but being treated on a similar level). I have just received a call from an ex-colleague who has targeted me as a candidate for a new role in their company. He has described it attractively: falling within the same field as my current role, but with greater responsibilities, growth opportunities and business exposure. My skillset evidently came to mind and it certainly sounds like a more engaging role than what I am currently doing. But I am someone who values loyalty, stability and comfort in my employment. The connections I have cultivated with my current colleagues, the value they see in me, and the ease of my workload - these are the key reasons that have kept me at my current job. I feel I can coast easily for years to come. But the one aspect that make me consider the new role is that my immediate team do not energize me much anymore. So I am enticed by the new role in and of itself, but am still very much content with the wider comfort and familiarity of my current company. I worry about severing connections with colleagues if I go (I am not a huge social media person, so people I enjoy seeing at work would drift away), but also missing a potential career opportunity that I would not seek out myself. For staying: loyalty, respect, comfort, the wider colleagues Against staying: immediate team For going: career boost, exposure, opportunity Against going: change, FOMO with my current company I am in a bind. To leave or to stay... I am unable to make a decision. Can someone give me some advice? Are there other considerations I should weigh up to help me choose?
  15. Hi there everyone, i am new to this forum. Hope you're all well! Apologies in advance for a long incoherent ramble, but i am at my wit's end and would appreciate some advice! I have a problem with a work colleague I have a huge crush on and it's been bugging me for some time. I suffer from mild social anxiety but have much improved over the years and generally have no problems whatsoever talking to people, colleagues, strangers etc. I hate public speaking though and making phone calls. eek. But I think people would never guess I am shy at heart as i come across as funny and confident and flirty most of the time. It may be worth mentioning that i am tall, blonde and generally thought of as 'attractive'. so my anxiety does not stem from problems with my appearance. Problem is, as soon as i have a crush on a man, i am literally paralysed with fear. Pretend i don't notice him, never muster up the courage to even talk to him. I had this problem all my life. So many crushes that were maybe even reciprocated but i always built up a wall around me and didnt let them close to me out of fear. I was living in a world of day dreams and fantasy until i met me (sadly now) ex partner. We got together through friendship, we were both a bit shy but because we were comfortable around each other it all happened very naturally. So that relationship tragically ended last year out of the blue and totally broke me. I am now slowly getting back on my feet and gaining my confidence back and am ready to open my heart up again. So, there is a guy at work that I have always had a bit of a soft spot on, but had never talked to before. Well I was in a seemingly happy relationship, so had no reason to approach him other than small talk, but he is not someone who is that easily approachable. Now, a few months ago I went to the pub with a small group of colleagues and he came along. I thought, 'great, this is my chance to finally chat to him and get to know him'. So we ended up chatting most of the evening and it turns out he is really lovely and seems to like me too. After that evening I couldnt get him out of my mind. Huge crush building up. A few days later I sent him an email asking if he wanted to join the life drawing event that i had helped organize (he had expressed interest in the pub). NO RESPONSE.Not even, 'sorry cant make it' Ok i thought, forget about him. But then, the next time in the pub there he was again, standing right next to me, not saying anything, for what felt an eternity. I was determined to ignore him but he didn't go away. Even my colleagues noticed. Eventually i thought, ok he wants to talk to me and turned around to him. We ended up chatting the rest of the evening about work but also about very personal things, e.g. he has a son from a previous relationship. During the working week he totally ignores me (apart from when I catch him looking at me from afar). He acts totally awkwardly around me and cant seem to look me in the eyes when i bump into him. I always smile and say hello and try to force myself to have a little chit chat when i bump into him - after the initial shock he usually beams at me and says a few words. The other day he was beaming at me as I was awkwardly chatting and he spilled his tea! I rushed to help. I thought it was a very cute moment. (but maybe i am delusional and it's all in my head?) Then at the pub, the same thing every time. After initial ignoring and awkwardness, he comes and talks to me the whole evening and is relaxed and funny and seems to totally enjoy my company. Back in the office - back to ignoring. So I figured he is probably even shyer than me and I have to take the lead in asking him out. But every time i try to make a move, he backs away. Like I asked if i could borrow a bike tool he had mentioned in the pub and he remembered to bring it in the next day. Yay! When i returned it I said 'thank you, I owe you a drink'! And he smiled and said 'oh yeah, yeah, cool'. The next day - Friday - pub day. I didnt have the courage to walk up to him and ask him if he was going to the pub (remember i am super shy too) so i emailed him before i left the office and said 'we're going to the pub if you want to join. Otherwise have a good weekend *smiley* . NO RESPONE. Didn't turn up. No nothing. I am so confused. What is going on, does he like me or not? Why does he keep withdrawing? Also, he could have responded 'sorry cant make it, have a good weekend'. I am going to back off now and see if he comes back to me next time. I dont know if I should pursue this or if i am wasting my time. I have sympathy and can relate if it is SA that is holding him back. But perhaps he is just not that keen? Any thoughts out there?
  16. First, I'm new here. Thanks for letting that happen. Secondly, I'm a 53-year old male, separated/divorced over 4 years. Father of twin teens that are the air that I breathe. Marriage ended unexpectedly, still not sure I understand why she refused to even attempt to save it. But we remain as friends and coparent very well. I'm monogamous and have dated a few women but nothing beyond a few months. All my life I thought I knew what "love" was. And it's what I have always looked for. But between observations, discussions with others - friends, coworkers, etc. during my marriage, and especiallly since my marriage ended - today I had an epiphany. And I'd like your thoughts on it. I thought love was a feeling, an emotion, that started with attraction / chemistry and grew from there. I thought it was about two people admiring and caring for each other. One always wanting the best for the other and trying to provide it. Cheerleading and supporting each other, and providing (hopefully in the right way) constructive criticism. And I thought everything else in those two lives blossomed from that. But what I've seen and heard, and even what's been suggested (albeit indirectly)to me by several people is that RELATIONSHIPS between men and women are more transactional than emotional. Meaning: Women primarily want security and material desires met. No I don't mean carte blanche shopping every day. I mean "pay / help pay the bills, move me to where I've always dreamed of living, give me a comfortable life or better. In exchange for that I can tolerate sharing a bed and having sex with you". Men primarily want from women their meals cooked, house cleaned, sex, and if it happens, the woman to raise the kids. In exchange for that I can tolerate your bat- craziness (and other sexist things said about women). And perhaps those few extra pounds you will gain. This doesn't meet the "give and take" vision of relationships that I've had since I discovered girls. No, this sounds a lot like raw barter - for tat, quid pro quo, you scratch my back . . . . trade. Transactions. BUSINESS. The light finally got bright enough for me to take notice today, when a coworker said he'd offered is wife $100K just to leave and never return. Seems the bartering isn't working anymore so he offered a . . . . buy out. Another type of transaction. BUSINESS. I looked, and am again looking for my soulmate. My partner in LIFE, not in business. Someone who will do things for me because she loves me, not because it gives her the right to expect something in return. And I would do the same for her. I thought from THAT foundation, all the other stuff - dream houses, vacations, moving to that favorite place . . . one or both staring a company . . . .the building of a LIFE and realization of dreams - had a chance of happening. But increasingly people seem to believe that it's about finding someone you can tolerate enough to get from them the things you want or need for yourself. If that's really the way it is . . . color me single for the remainder of my days. I will not settle - and certainly not for THAT. Discuss.
  17. My fiance and I were together for 14 years and broke up in January and I'm still not over it, so I'm moving 1000 miles away to Florida to "start a new life" and work and go to college and everything. In the back of my mind I feel like if I go so far away it will mean that there is no possibility of my ex ever coming back in the future, even though he's been dating his coworker since he left. He also told me not to go because I'd hate it and that's playing over and over in my mind. I'm having a really hard time with the anxiety of moving forward and starting over especially so far away. Any advice would be really helpful!
  18. my co worker and I spent the summer getting pretty close. Some of our coworkers think we’re dating, all of them think we like each other a lot - when he’s in the office he’s constantly at my desk, he even joined my sand volleyball team this summer. He’s always finding reasons to be at my desk or in the same places I am. Unfortunately, he put in his two weeks and is leaving our company. I don’t have the guts to ask him out (and that won’t change), but I have told him several times I don’t want him to leave and it’d be miserable if he left, he’s also told me he doesn’t want to leave bc he likes working here (but he has to). I’ve always gone by the rule of - if he wants to ask me out, he will. Am I wrong?
  19. The other day, out of the blue, my coworker/good friend who i have strong feelings for, got let go from our job at a luxury resort we work at up in the mountains just north of Phoenix. She lived there on property in housing and is not an Arizona local/native, so when she came to work here earlier this year, she came from Vegas, but shes very nomadic and has lived everywhere, she doesn't have an official home really. Colorado is a state that actually really has her heart. Anyways, after she messaged me that she was just fired while i was somewhere else on the property, and the message and my heart sunk. Not only was i devistated to see that message, i knew that her being fired meant she wasn't going to stick around in this state because Arizona isn't a really a state she loves despite having people in it that are important to her, me, my mother, some other coworkers, ect....though i truly became a main/close/best friend to her... I stopped what i was doing else where and immediately went to her housing to be there for her and see how she was doing since she was packing....she had tears in her eyes and was crying, and started venting to me....i told her how sorry i was and how messed up this was and how i didn't want her to leave....then it hit me....my feelings for her and how i've been so afraid to tell her all summer because i know shes been vocal to everyone about just wanting to remain single for now because of her last ex boyfriend, so i haven't known what to do with them....i stood there 20 minutes contemplating telling her, and i finally decided to tell her my feelings, i had to let her know before she left, and not via text message i told her i have something to tell, and i started crying myself...i told her that over these past few months i've had feelings for her and that its been so hard for me to tell you because of you wanting to remain single....she started tearing up and crying more, came over and hugged me and told me she was so sorry....i told her i just want her to be happy and that perhaps i just not to move on from it now....i told her i hope that it didn't make things weird for you and that i i didn't want me telling her to ruin our friendship potentially and she said "not at all, absolutely not"...and after that, i was just so relieved i finally told her and that she knew, despite everything else.... i helped her pack more and take her stuff to her car since no one else on property bothered to...we gave each other a hug at her car a few times, i told her i love her and she told me she loved me back, and she left...i was holding back tears the hold rest of the day at work she ended stay at mine and my mothers house for a few days after that before she headed back to vegas, which im extremely greatful i had a few more days with her...when she left my house the other day early morning, we hugged each other again at her car, and she told me not to worry, we'll see each other again very soon....she left, and i went back to bed and cried i miss her alot right now, we've talked a few times since she left a few days ago, both later that night and she messaged me yesterday morning wish me good luck for reopening day at work yesterday... my head has been all over the place not having her here...it wasn't a bad day yesterday at work in terms of the work day, it was just too weird and too sad not having her there on property, like i had a hole in my heart....the magic and love i had for this beautiful resort out in the mountains is just kind of fading now (and no, it's not just her that has made me love the place)
  20. Long story short, I dated a coworker for around five months after she had called off a long-term relationship to be with me. We work close together at the office and had become friends who clearly had a crush on each other and then something more after the breakup, which was in part due to her feelings to myself. We had a whirlwind five months relationship where everything seemed so great and comfortable that against both of our better judgement, things went too fast and she nearly lived with me. Mind you, we never fought and when we discussed it she never said she needed space. We both fell in love quickly which is something I am not used to. Often I struggle when dating to find love and feel terrified to commit to a relationship. This time was a total 180 and I realized it when I noticed I enjoyed her company every day she was around, which admittedly was too much too fast. One day she got dinner and drinks at night on a weekend with another male coworker, alone. She had previously told me was just a friend and she is not sexually attracted to him, but it still rubbed me wrong to find out from her. I didn't want to have a fight or appear jealous but I did want to discuss it since I felt it would not be something tolerated well if the shoe was on the other foot and I went out for dinner and drinks with a female coworker alone on a weekend. Our discussion was tense but not hurtful and eventually I asked her if she loved me and wanted to be with me in a relationship; she responded by reassuring me that she loved me ... but felt immense guilt over the ending of her previous relationship and how fast she had moved on and wasn't in the right place to be in a relationship with someone. She had also lost many friends in the breakup who 'sided' with the guy and she expressed that when she's with me, she's in love - but when she's alone she feels she's lost a lot of herself and that her happiness is tied to me. We talked for a few hours; even joking and having a great time... but it was over nonetheless. I never got mad. I couldn't. I understood completely - I understand completely ... and since then I have been (for the first time in 34 years) incredibly crushed. That was a little over a month and a half ago and I have for the first time been dealing with the effects. I saw (see) her as literally the most beautiful person - both physically and emotionally - who I have dated and I am having a hard time getting over this. I removed all social media, don't text/call, etc. but what is killing me is that we work together and I see her in the office. A couple weeks ago she and I were leaving and I asked if she wanted to talk. We got into my car and we discussed the breakup; I understood again the reasoning and we both agreed it was weird to have a good thing end so abruptly rather than the usual slow breakdown that precedes a breakup. However, she needs her time and space. What didn't help was she had said that she is occasionally incredibly close to just calling me; suddenly I had hope again that soon we would be back together. A week later (last week) I saw she was going for long walks during break and texting/getting dinner with the other coworker (the friend) and I guess he keeps inviting her out to things with him. Even though they are just friends, the thought that she's doing the things I wanted to do with her with someone else is painful. I realized my hope was foolish, I'm torturing myself waiting, hoping she calls while she is healing and likely to move on soon. I talked to her that day privately and - while not a graceful as I wanted it to sound - I indicated that I need to stop seeing her every day and will be working out of a less-convenient office location (a bit more of a drive). Stupidly I also ended up rehashing a lot of our discussion the week prior and nearly came off as desperate. The discussion only lasted around thirty-minutes and before we parted ways we hugged and I told her I'm not normally like this with a breakup and she responded stating, "it's because you care" and I agreed. Anyways, that's where I'm at - and my heart is killing me because it feels like going "No Contact" is just the surefire way for me to snuff any embers left from our past and she'll move on; while I'll be stuck trying yet again to feel love in a string of bad or unexciting relationships as I have. I used to honestly think something was wrong with me; that I just couldn't feel "love" like everyone talked about and I've broken up with people because I knew it wasn't fair to be with them if I wasn't fully committed. Now I find someone I wanted to be fully committed to and even saw as my best friend.. and due to timing and pacing; I feel like I'm losing something I've waited and hoped for. Again, I understand her reasoning and I want nothing more than her to be happy and I know it means it is likely not with me because we messed up with the timing; but, I also am dealing with trying to accept that she is gone and moving on while I feel like I'm losing something I've waited for so long. I can't sit at the same office as her, I'll keep acting the fool if I have to see her each day but a seriously large part of me wants to try to rekindle by being there and that's the foolish part. That and the feeling I get when I see she's going out and it's not with me (let alone the feeling I have when I think of anyone else being with her romantically) is incredibly painful/irrational and also I worry will make me act/say something foolish to her. Anyways, any advise/insight would be appreciated ; again, despite many flings/relationships/etc. - I've never gone through this until now and Holy Hell, you all are not kidding about the pain, it's torture.
  21. I'm in love with my coworker. However, she has a boyfriend so I cant tell her. we've hung out alone together before and she definitely seems to enjoy being with me. and she talks to me about absolutely everything and we make good eye contact and I feel like have great chemistry, and she always looks directly at me when I'm driving. not only this, but shes in a terrible situation with her boyfriend. they live with his dad and just got an eviction notice and she says shes going to try to find an apartment with him, and I just dont see how it could possibly work...but I've been afraid to tell her how I feel both due to the bf, and because she isnt exactly in a great place right now.
  22. Hi all, I started at my new company about 5 months ago. When I started my new job (which is completely different from any of the jobs I had before), there was another guy (same age as me) who was starting as well. The management assigned me the smallest portfolio and he was assigned quite a large one. The difference is I had a few weeks training whereas he had none because there's no one available to train him. He's just trying to figure this out himself or by asking questions to others. A few weeks ago, we got wind that there would be a new portfolio created as the company is setting up a new service. This new service would be the same as the services provided on the guy's portfolio, except for another type of clients thus requiring the set up of a new service line and portfolio. As I have a smaller portfolio than most, they assigned this new one to me as well. A few days ago, a girl who has a rather large portfolio asked me to be her back-up for when she's off. The management prompted her to designate me as her back-up although there is another person who worked on this portfolio as well who could have assisted. I understand that I have a smaller portfolio, so they are trying to fill in the gaps and utilize my capacity which is fine for me, obviously. However, this new guy that started at the same time I did keeps asking: 1. Why didn't they assign the new service portfolio to him as it is ultimately the same service as the one provided by his service line. 2. Why was I designated as the back-up for the other girl when there's someone else who could have assisted as she worked on that portfolio? To me, it's all about utilizing my capacity but he's questionning. Is he jealous or am I being a bit paranoid?
  23. My coworker and I who previously slept together were just friends at work. I told him previously I had feelings for him but he said he couldn't proceed because he had a gf, so just friends. Fine. However , another female coworker confessed to me that he was saying bad things about me behind my back such as he only talks to me at work because he has to and doesn't associate with me on a personal level, and I was obsessed and in love with him and won't leave him alone. Mind you, he is the same one who gets jealous if I'm even just having a friendly conversation with another man. So anyway, he is not mad at the girl who told me all the information, but is mad at me for telling him to stay away from me after I found out what he said. We have not been speaking since , but at work he discussed a trip they are taking together to Miami in December, with his sister (the girl has a bf as well ). He said it in front of me and constantly flirts with my best friend in my face. It hurts because I still do have feelings for him and I know the trip is not innocent at all. I really don't know if he's doing it for jealousy purposes or not but it's annoying and it's hurting my feelings. I got to the point where I was considering quitting the job. Why is he doing this and what should I do? Why would a man with a gf be taking a trip out of town with another woman who happens to be the same one who snitched on him? And why the hell do I have to know about it?
  24. Hi everyone, hoping i can get some guidance here. I have been with my company for almost 3 years now. A few girls and i started around the same time and immediately formed this indescribable bond. we did everything together- happy hour multiple times a week, hang out on the weekends, attend concerts together, travel, etc. for some reason now, i am the only one excluded from everything. it's like one day i woke up and everything turned upside down. for additional context, there is this other girl on our team who seems to have an issue with me. I have done nothing to her yet she just doesn't seem to care for me. i dont dislike her or have any issue with her, we just never really bonded. anywho, most of the girls i hung out with are "close" with her. i feel like because of her issue with me, whatever that may be, the other girls ignore me now because of her. I am feel like something has been said about me and i cannot stand being in the office anymore. a place i once enjoyed now loathe it. i approached one of the girls asking if i did something wrong or if something has been said about me and she said no. i explained my situation how things have changed out of no where and it's making me feel uncomfortable knowing things are being said behind my back. I barely even say hello to these girls anymore. 4 girls i used to spend all of my time with now barely even acknowledge. i once used to love my job and coworkers, but now i cannot stand it anymore. i do not want to tell my boss what i am going through because it's only going to sound petty. although, it is not ok for these girls to deliberately exclude me and treat me like an outcast now. it is not ok that they are running their mouthes about me. i have done nothing wrong and wouldn't be stressing about this situation if i knew what the cause is. Any insight into how i should deal with this situation? Has anyone else dealt with the same situation before? Is is worth bring up to my boss? Should i quit?
  25. Hi guys, hope you're all ok? So my love life has been a bit of as mess recently. There was the anxious guy who says he thinks he's not ready for a relationship but still wants to get to know me (it's become clear now that he is dealing with depression and he's told me I'm the first person to be in his bed in over a year, which explains a lot). Well I stopped pursuing him then started chatting to his work colleague and ended up kissing him recently. He didn't contact me after and I decided I had nothing to loose so asked the anxious guy if the work colleague was a player. He and then several others informed me he is a huge player and was trying it with other girls the same day as kissing me and having me sleep in his bed etc. I felt a bit hurt by this so stopped contact with the colleague then thought I'd ask the anxious guy more truth questions. Which is when I found out I was the only girl in his bed for so long. I then ended up seeing the anxious guy at an event and one thing led to another and I stayed at his again. We kissed, hugged and did a bit of stuff but still no sex (dudes got herpes, and I don't want to rush these things). Now we may see each other this week when he comes to my town but he's saying he's not sure he will stay could he's feeling anxious, but would like to meet for milkshakes. I know I should just stop flogging this dead horse but I do like him. I feel like maybe I'm just doing this because of some deep seated desire to win over people who aren't interested or something. But I don't know how to stop having these feelings. I don't even know if I know what a heathy relationship is? Maybe I'll just always be this way. Chasing men who tease me because of their own problems.
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