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  1. Been married for three years, have a wonderful relationship with my wife. Have two stepdaughters 10 and 13. The 10 year old is a pleasure. The 13 year old is a pain. Nothing criminal (yet) and not a bad student. But she is very difficult to get along with. She only has no real friends, is lazy, has a smart mouth, is loud, a total slob, overweight, annoying, bossy, negative, whiney, lies constantly, selfish, rude, disrespectful...do you get the picture? She hasnt had an easy life. Her biological father is a dirt bag and is currently incarcerated. Her mom's done the best she can, but was forced to be a single mom for many years. But know we are a stable family with a great home in a nice neighborhood. She has ADD or ADHD. She has been on every med they make, but none really seemed to help. We stopped all the meds and try to control her diet as much as possible. And we try to keep her away from sugar...which helps...but we cant watch her all the time. ADHD is not her main problem. Its her negative, "I want my way" attitude. She seems to very immature for her age, like she has a 4 year old's mind in a 13 year old's body. She doesnt appear to be going through puberty yet. We took her to counseling...the best in the area... and the counselor surmized that we need to hope she grows out of it. I can't afford more counseling. We feel like we are always having to punish her, yet it doesnt seem to have any effect on her. We take away priviledges, ground her, etc. She changes for a day, then she is right back to her old self Almost every day we have an issue with her. My wife is beside herself because she is sooo tired of dealing with her. She feels guilty because she loves her, but also can't stand to be in the same room with her. Other relatives say the same thing about her. The other night, she kicked a hole in the wall when she got mad because we wouldn't let her watch TV because she was running her mouth. I fear as she gets older and bigger, we may see more of this kind of behavior. We try to get her involved in things....she now plays in the band and is doing quite well. We admit she probably is seeking attention from us, and when we try to give it to her she annoys us so much we want to get her away from us. I try to talk to her to try to understand what emotion, if any, is behind all of this, but I can't get anywhere. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. She thinks everyone else is wrong and everyone is unfair to her. If we could afford it, we would contemplate sending her away to some sort of boarding school or boot camp...but we also think that would just make her resent us more. We also fear that since she demands so much of our attention that our other daughter may suffer. Our other daughter is well liked by all. We've run out of ideas. We want to help her, but I've about given up.
  2. I am suffering over the loss of my ex of nearly 2 years. She says she still loves me and says it might work out eventually. SOmeone pointed out that comments like these are often just a "foot in the door' and a way to let you down easy. The fact of the matter is I know she loves me and I love her. Last spring she suggested that I go to counseling for emotional problems. I am not abusive, I just had a habit of dumping problems on her. I went to a counselor as she requested and I wasn't ready and didn't feel like we clicked. Now that she's gone, I am in weekly counseling, and it is really helping. I have also straightened out my career problems (another big issue for her). My problem is maintaining NC. I want to go at least a month with no contact. I have to fight the urge to pick up the phone..so far I am holding out. She has not contacted me except to return a call in almost a month. I did see her a little over two weeks after the split and she was crying and sleep deprived and agreed with me when I said it would be great to just go out and have fun. But she couldn't say when. I don't like living in future land holding out hope that we will patch it up, but I do. I really feel like she is the one, and if I can show her strength by not bugging her (I was too dependent-she was a bit too) she will respect that and we can possibly rekindle our love. Ideas? Comments?
  3. My husband and I have been married for over 8 years and haven't really been getting along for the past 8 months or so. I didn't realize how bad it was until he told me that he didn't know if he still loved me. We haven't had sex in about 3 months. I don't know what to do. He isn't sure if he wants to try fix things and refuses to get counseling. I had a few counseling sessions, but didn't find them beneficial, as I couldn't get him to join me. I feel like some of this is related to his family problems he has been having and that is why I still feel hope. His father died suddenly at 62 last September and his mother has recently been diagnosed with Cancer and not sure how she will do. We live in the US and his family live in the UK so he is filled with guilt at not being there with them. He has been treating me with no respect lately, going out almost every night till quite late and generally avoiding me at all costs. I don't know what to do. I think he wants to break up, but we recently purchased our lovely house and he doesn't want to leave it. Sorry for being all over the place, but I am struggling to get to every point in one message. On a side note we work together, so I am confronted with this situation constantly. ANY WORDS OF WISDOM PLEASE?
  4. Found out from my cousin this weekend that my ex (who was my first real relationship and whom I dumped and realized later that I still had strong feelings for) has started seeing someone new.. I am shattered. It's been over three months since we've broken up. Why can't I shake this? I am starting to get scared that I am not going to recover. Even though I also have a date on Saturday, I still can't get excited or look forward to anything. I have actually thought about seeking counseling because in all honesty, I am starting to notice the effects of this on other things in my life. I can't talk to her because she thinks its healthier if we don't talk for 6 months (after the breakup.) I don't know if im asking for an answer here or just words of wisdom. I just can't live like this anymore. What do I do?
  5. Wow I almost hate to say anything... I messed up and had an affair. Stupid and drunk and my husband and I were having serious communication problems and i went to a friend. I have however ended it with him told my husband and we are rebuilding and going to start counseling soon. I was lost confused and not being able to communicate with ym husband was killing me. But we are starting a new plate and going to start counseling soon. People mess up. I messed up. I know that now. The other guy never pushed me though. This has all happened recently and its hard. My husband has forgiven me but now i have to find away to forgive myself adn I dont think thats going to happen for awhile. I still feel i need the punishment and that is a score i can only settle with myself and couseling may or may not help. So many people say once a cheater always a cheater but you cant put people in those tables its not fair. I messed up. I know this and I am taking my responsability for it and I know I will be judged. I am not expecting people to embrace what I have done but I believe if you share your story then that too also helps the rebuilding process. I would love any feedback whether it be criticizing or not and I am sure to get some because every one judges. I do howver ask that before you call me names or pathetic that you try to get to know me and understand my situation. I am open and willing to discuss things further and any questions I will try to answer with the best of my ability. My love to you all and your courage to come forth and be open about your mistakes.
  6. To those of you who were abused, when and why did you decide to seek counseling? If there was a signifigant delay between the abuse and the therapy, why was there a delay and what made you start therapy? How has it helped you, what were the positive and negative aspects and results of the therapy? If you're comfortable discussing it, please tell me about one-on-one counseling, group therapy, any other forms, any treatments you received, what the therapy consisted of. I want to know what made you decide to heal, how you healed, what helped you heal, how your family or partner or friends helped, and what about you or about your life has changed as a result. And to those of you who may have not sought help, or healed without assistance, could you discuss your decisions and the results also?
  7. Greetings fellow travels, I have just recently joined this group. First off I want to thank all of you that have posted. Reading the posts has helped to show me that I am not the only one that is going thru a living hell, and I see others wanting to help others as well. There is a part of me that wants to find some magic cure to feeling bad. Yes, part of that is very selfish, yet, the caring part of me also wants to help others. I feel like I just want to explode and write everything that has lead me to this place. But, there isn't enough room. Instead, I would like to open with a simple and small cry for help. My life has been nothing more than a fight to stay alive since I was eight years old. I am now in my mid forties. I have been in and out of counseling and on meds since the 1984. My family says that they want to help, but they have their own drama. And the reality is, they actually bring me down. I have never had a relationship, yet I am told I am good looking and fun to be with. I am very good at my job, yet feel like I am ready to be fired each and every day. I am tall, in good shape, yet no one is interested in being with me. I am smart yet can't find a job that will allow me to do more than just get by each and every week. My birthday present to myself for my 39th birthday was a .357 in my mouth. I almost pulled the trigger....I now wish I had. Since then I have sold that gun, but wish I had it back. The self talk in my mind is destructive, yet I can't get the voices to stop. The physical and mental pain that I deal with every moment of every day, is over powering. I can not afford meds or counseling. I am, as I have been all my life....alone and lonely. The walls that I have built over the past 30 years are so high and think, I can't break thru them. I fear that I am too old to find someone to share what is left of life...and I will be forced to work jobs that don't pay enough to allow me to take care of myself. Is some of what I wrote above an absolute, yes. Are absolutes correct, hardly. I do know what I wrote isn't fully the truth, yet it is the way that I see it. My friends have been overkilled with my burdens to the point I can't keep any friends. All I want to do, is to wake up tomorrow dead. To those that feel that suicide is selfish....try living with the pain that I ( and others) deal with. Please stop telling me that there are paths to take that will help. I believe I have tried them all. I can't decide what I need more.....love, acceptance, or death. Thanks for listening...
  8. How do you tell a friend she's going way too fast in her relationship without ruining the friendship? My friend is in her late 30's, never married, and she's planning to marry a guy she's never really dated, just hung out with in group situations. He's either in his late 30's or early 40's, is still married (to wife number 4!), and, according to my friend, he's everything she's always wanted in a man and more. As soon as his divorce is final, if his wife doesn't hold things up, she says she knows he's going to propose to her and they'll be married in the fall. He's going through counseling with a clergyman, who is telling him to break off the relationship and give himself some time before he gets involved again, but obviously this isn't happening. I suggested that my friend go into counseling as well but I don't think she's going to do that. I don't want to stick my nose in where my help isn't wanted, but I care about my friend and this seems to be a trainwreck waiting to happen.
  9. I had a personal ad on a dating site, with no pitcure, and my ex of six years answered it. Oh My God. I have been mostly NC (aside from him coming to get my kid, whom he has helped raise) and seeing each other at neighborhood gatherings. I think I want to get back together. I know he does. The good things: He is part of my life, he is trustworthy and loyal, we have a great time traveling and doing stuff together, he loves my kid, he loves me, and we are all part of the same small, tight-knit community. It is all such a mess right now. He broke up with me, left me a note actually. This has happened about four times. He just FREAKS OUT and starts with this long list of all the ways I've wronged him. He never mentions these things in real time. And some of the things are just nutty - he complained to friends that he brought fish to my house for dinner and I didn't give him a big enough piece! This was apparently years ago! When we are together, we almost never argue. Then, its like his brain chemicals get all weird and he flips out. He always rewrites the story to say I broke up with him. We did counseling just once and it was terrible,he just had a nonstop stream of blame. My counselor didn't call him on it, and I was very hurt. After a while (months), he kind of comes back to himself and acts normal. He wants to go to counseling now, with a different counselor. Maybe there is a way through this? I have been dating other guys, and having some fun, but no one feels right to me. He feels like my mate. I'm kind of scared to go to counseling. I have had SIX MONTHS OF HELL over this. But then again, I think if he died tomorrow and things were still this way, that we never got closure or got to the bottom of things, I would feel terrible. I never answered the personal ad, and I didn't tell our mutual friends, because I thought it would embarrass him. What do you guys think?
  10. I am divorcing with my wife of 13 years and I cannot believe this is happening. My wife says that she wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, but shee does not want a physical relationship with me. We are only in our thirties ... How does one stay in a marriage celibate? She says she is not physically attracted to me. This started coming out about 10 months ago, and I have been trying to get her to a marriage counselor - she came once and gave up. I have been going to counseling by myself for the past 8 months. Even the counselor has been suggesting that maybe I should let go.. We have these two beautiful children that I would hate to have to go thru this. At the same time, I cannot live with my wife who says she is attracted to other men, but will not(Very simply and crudely put) have sex with me. She has not had an affair, but is so bull headed that she just believes that counseling will help and she just does not want to give it a chance. I have known her for 15 years and always believed that I will spend the rest of my life with her... It is so painful ...
  11. I have been married for 6 years. I have known this guy for 10 years total including the marriage. I find myself attracted to other women. I think about it all the time. It's like some women give me this feeling when I see them and guys don't. I have lost interest in the bedroom with my husband. I have told him this and been going to counseling trying to find myself. I do not want to hurt him, but I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't true. I think I have always thought these things, but never acted upon them. I just don't want to ruin something and look back and say I should have stayed. The love for him as a person is there, but nothing else. I just want to do the right thing and be happy again. I don't think I am bi because I do not look at other guys that way at all. Any suggestions. I feel like damn if I do and damn if I don't. I have been told I am the only one who can make the decision.
  12. I bought new underwear but they turn out to be too small and it hurts and I can't return them and they're kinda expensive so have to suffer. i hope they stretch *BUT SERIOUSLY, I got suspened because my gpa suffered when I was high from March-November 2006. I met w/ him and he asked me to show him that I changed so I took workshop and sought counseling but he hasn't gotten back to me yet. And school starts next monday =(
  13. Hi everyone. I have posted here a couple of times concerning my boyfriend and two occurrences we have had in our relationship with him being less than honest with me concerning other women (I will never know to what extent he carried through with them on a physical level, nor do I really want to at this point). He also admitted he was less than honest with his ex-wife .... dating other women when they were suppose to be working on their marital issues. Of course .... this all gave me tremendous 'cause for pause' ... but I have proceeded forward with him, albeit cautiously, because I truly believe we love each other .... and some of this 'baggage' between us and within ourselves individually could be worked on . Yes, I have been told on numerous occasions ... I should dump the guy and move on with my life. BUT ... and I'm hoping some people here can understand this .... I DO LOVE HIM (hate the sin but love the sinner kinda thing)! My heart ... my poor heart .... just can't seem to let go of him .... the good part of 'us' ... and the pure and simple hope that things can get better. I have never doubted .... that he loves me too. I just think he has a problem .... one rooted in self esteem issues .... that causes him to seek validation and affirmation from these other women. For reasons beyond our control ... since this all broke out between us (about six weeks ago) .... we have not been able to attend more than one counseling session together. It was brief and basically just a lot of history was exchanged ... no real couple work was started. I have been on the fence .... teetering .... regarding a decision to move forward and attempt to work on this relationship (he claims he is totally committed to this .... he wants to spend his entire life with me) .... or should I end it. There have been two 'red flags' for me since I found out he had cheated on me. Once, when I entered the room .... he immediately shut down an e-mail he was typing. IMMEDIATELY. I asked him right away about it ... and he acted somewhat squirrely .... saying it a work-related issue, changing his story a couple of times as to why he shut it right down. I told him it didn't sit well with me at all ... and I decided to let it lie until we got into counseling to discuss it further. Then, two weeks later .... he started going to a site where you could play games (dominoes, scrabble, etc.) with people. I noticed that he played with a certain female on multiple occasions. I said nothing though .... as I didn't want to be jealous and controlling. One time though, when I entered the room and he was playing with her, I saw that he had just typed to her ... 'did I tell you my girlfriend and I got back together?'. I was livid. Yes .... we had been 'broken up' for a few days (it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for the both of us the last six weeks), but we had been back together for a while and I knew he had chatted/played with her during this time. I told him there were several things about this I did not like ..... #1. Given our history, why the heck would he 'hook up' with a single female to play with on this site?? ..... #2. If you are just playing word games with people on this site, why are you telling them of your relationship woes?? (I had played many times on this site with many people and I never chatted about my relationship status)..... and ...... #3. Why did he tell her this information about us just as I walked in the room and could see what he was doing? I found the timing a bit too convenient for my liking. He claimed it was all innocent and I should not be upset. I asked him if he had given her his private e-mail ... and he said no. I asked him if he had shared a picture of himself with her .... and again, he said no. After pushing a bit more, he did admit that he had shared his picture, and he only lied to me initially about it because he thought I would be upset. I told him he had to be an idiot to think that would not push a few buttons in me (he cheated on me using the internet .... meeting people off dating sites, etc., so the computer is a 'hot button' for me). Back to the advice I seek. We finally have our second counseling session scheduled for tonight. I spoke to the counselor late last week. She is a very direct, strong and forthright individual. I discussed with her more of what was going on between me and my boyfriend ... and she feels it's time for me to make a decision about this relationship. Do I stay or do I go? (She feels, once she heard a bit more of our story from me than she got in the first session, that there is definitely some unhealthy behavior occurring.) I am struggling so .... feeling like it's a do-or-die situation tonight. She wants me to attend with him, ready to lay it all out there ..... my concerns and my underlying gut feeling that I will NEVER trust this guy again ... and be prepared to possibly end this relationship right there on the spot. My boyfriend has heard all of this from me .... but he is so positive that we can work this out ... he is 100% committed to moving forward (he gets very upset when I tell him I have doubts and concerns ... and views my hesitations as a lack of love for him or committment to us as a couple). Can relationships truly emerge from this? How do two people build the trust back up? Are there too many red flags ... and my love for this man is just making me discount them somehow or make me think I'm being too paranoid? I have no idea what he does on his computer .... and I don't want to spend my life looking over his shoulder or demanding his passwords, etc. I know I'm too close to this situation to always see clearly .... but I also realize this is not about deciding what to have for dinner .... it is about a man that I love and care deeply for. Any opinions on how I should handle the session tonight .... or what I am still seeing occur in our relationship? Thanks so much .... the clock is ticking towards the 6 o'clock hour here ... and I am feeling quite panicky!
  14. My breakup was 5 months ago (8 mo from initial breakup), and I have been doing fairly well, but I have been depressed lately since my ex told me he is engaged. I'm happy that we are over, but I still miss having someone so close to me. He was my best friend, and I don't have his support anymore. I've been on dates and was fun at time, but I'm still single and lonely and I feel like I am left out. I was supporsed to have a date today, but the guy hasn't returned my calls for a week so I guess he wasn't that into me. I'm fine with it, but I feel like I am not myself anymore. The confident woman who used to smile a lot and enjoy life is gone. My depression has been affecting on my academic performance, and I've been drinking a lot. Last week, I stayed home alone and did nothing while I was supposed to be working on my research. I've been trying so hard to stand on my own, by attending social groups, going to gym, and tried to look at bright sides of this whole experience of living in a new city, but I am tired of trying. I just want to hide in a cave. So here is my question. I am considering seeking a professional help. I've seen a counseler once about 4 years ago, but I discontinued because one session didn't really help anything. I am wondering if counseling is really helpful. What made you to decide to seek a professional help? Was it helpful? How many sessions would be necessary to be effective? Is it worth it? Any comments would be very much appreciated!
  15. Dear eNotAloners the topic of this "Ask the Expert" discussion is "How to Get and Keep the Person You Desire". You may post your questions for Rhonda now in this thread. Rhonda will start posting answers tomorrow and the discussion will be open until Tuesday. About Rhonda Findling Rhonda has appeared as a relationship expert on several national talk shows including Ricki Lake, Geraldo, Maury Povitch, Eye Witness News, Good Day New York, Carnie, Ilyana, Tempest and Judith Regan Tonight. She has appeared on radio shows nationwide. She has led workshops and seminars throughout New York and L.A. including the Learning Annex, the 92nd St. Y and Hazelden. Rhonda has been featured in the New York Post, Los Angeles Times, Newsday, Rocky Mountain News, Cosmopolitan magazines, Latina Magazine and Today's Black Woman. Her articles have appeared in Complete Woman Magazine and Essense. Rhonda was a psychotherapist on the staff of Post Graduate Center for Mental Health in New York for 13 years. Rhonda also worked as a psychologist for the State of New York for three years. She was a counselor for Victims Information Bureau where she counseled victims of rape, sexual assault, and spouse abuse. She taught psychology and counseling classes at Marymount College in New York City. Rhonda has a Masters Degree in clinical psychology and is certified as a rehabilitation counselor. She's been in private practice 16 years and is available for in-person and phone consultations.
  16. long term marriage going south have been going for marriage counseling, but i think it is actually making the situation, because both of us are saying things that maybe we wouldn't say without the referee present. i think the counselor is very good and quite competent, but i am not sure that getting everything on the table is really helping and it is appearing more and more to me that my wife's heart has turned cold against me and that is "all she wrote". another thing, my wife tells all these little fibs about what happened or what i said and is quite convincing, she acts like the vulnerable think, and puts on the appearance that i am a badgering husband, when in reality i DareNot say what is on my mind for fear of her explosive temper. I feel the counselor is turning against me, but we are totally off point and my wife's charms are simply quite convincing. i just fell like i'm in a trap and I have no idea what to do to fix this. It feels like this is the new "job" of my wife, creating all this strife and nonsense in my my/our lives when we should be relaxing into our fifties and appreciating everything we have done together in this world. instead all i see is bull**** and untruth.
  17. Hi..I searched the internet for a forum that specialized in relationships and this one seemed to be the most active. I hope I can get some unbiased advice/opinions here. I'll try to keep it short, but it's a long story My daughter met her fiance a few years back. My first impression was that I didn't want her in this relationship. It might have had something to do with the fact that she was almost carjacked the night she was suppose to meet him (you know, fate and all..not to mention this traumatic incident, in which she almost lost her life, really caused her some problems. She did seek therapy, but only after exhibiting some serious PSTD episodes). The second was difference of religion...she's Christian, he's Jewish. Don't get me wrong..I have nothing against those of different religions, I just know the problems they can cause in serious relationships and marriages. The third was just intuition...I just felt he wasn't her type at all. Don't get me wrong...she is not perfect and has contributed to the problems in this relationship. Bottom line, I think it's an unhealthy relationship. In trying to keep this short I'll just lay out some points that have been red flags for me over the course of their 3 year relationship: - When looking at pictures of her before she met him and made the comment "oh honey, look at how different you are now...look at what I created!" (simply because he encouraged her to go to an expensive salon for a cut and color) - The constant fights where she would leave and come home only to go back to him, even after he told her he didn't love her, need or care for her (this usually happened when she had one of her episodes where she lost control of herself...but he always encouraged her to come back) - His being very uncomfortable with her religion, while she embraces learning about his (he thinks we are all out to convert him) - He has issues with her being shy. He says it cramps his style and he can't have any fun. He claims that the only reason he brings it up is because he wants her to be able to be outgoing..it hurts him to see her so bashful. - Since they have moved into a townhouse together he has done nothing but complain about her useless crap. Her useless crap is mostly things of her fathers that she inherited when he passed away 1 1/2 yrs ago. He urges her to get rid of it if she isn't using it. - He has told her he doesn't like the way she is and blames it on the way she was raised. - He's constantly telling her to be careful if she drops something or bumps into something. When she told him to not treat her like a child he said "I will when you stop acting like one" - He tells her she is the major cause of stress in his life - He tells her she needs to get a real job, her job doesn't bring in enough money (she is currently working at a vets office and is going back to school for nursing) - He says she starts ALL the arguments they have, he never starts any of them - She does have the bad trait of pushing his buttons, calling him names and sometimes making fun of his naivete. She says she knows it's wrong and has made great strides in not doing this. - When she suggested they go for counseling before they get married, he laughed if off and told her she should check herself in, that she's the psycho one (this is not the first time he has told her this...he refuses any counseling) - He has told her that me (her mom) is the reason they are having so much stress planning their wedding. I'm not involved, they are paying for it themselves. I offer advice and have found vendors for them to look at, but other than that I've kept my lip zipped. Need I go on? He has not been physically abusive, but raises his voice a lot. Just this week she said he got mad at her over something trivial and when she wouldn't stop crying he started hitting the bed. So I'm afraid he may lose it and hit her some day. To make things clear, she has lashed out at him physically before she was in counseling a while back. When he's not in one of these moods where he does this stuff, he seems like a great guy...fun to be around, jovial...but almost manic IMO. I wonder if he is bipolar. Anyway, my heart is in turmoil. When they aren't fighting my daughter seems so happy and excited to be planning this wedding. But when they fight she calls me in tears, and the other day was ready to leave. She claims she really loves him. I honestly believe she is more excited over the wedding than the actual marriage. I honestly am sorry I ever gave this union my blessing. My philosophy has always been to guide my children though, not tell them what to do. I guess what I am looking for is advice, for me as a mother. Do I keep my mouth shut and pretend I'm happy about this? Or do I tell her how I feel, tell her I will stand by her, be at the wedding, but won't be happy about it? Should I encourage her to at least postpone the wedding? I just don't know what to do...since she confides in me I think she trusts my opinion, but I don't want to make her mad and lose her. I don't want her to feel she has to chose. Sorry this is so long...I'm at my wits end
  18. My girlfriend's feelings for me seem to run hot and cold. One day she is gushing with love and adoration, proclaiming how I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. The next day she dosen't acknowledge I'm in the same room. She is extremely critical of me when I do things around the house such as cooking, cleaning, or fixing things. She hovers over my shoulder, analyzing every move I make and if it dosen't seem up to snuff she gets very upset. It feels as though she is convinced I will screw up and she's just watching for the moment it happens so she can point it out and correct me. I don't understand this. I am a sensitive person and she is a hypersensitive person. It really hurts me when she acts this way because it makes me feel really unappreciated. She is completely oblivious to this even though I have told her about it and we have had many discussions and fights about it. She gets so tense and it makes me tense and I end up feeling like neither one of us is happy. I honestly don't know if I'm being a jerk but I do know that she can be very thoughtless and inconsiderate and it really hurts me. I have suggested counseling and she says no. This up and down stuff hurts me. I guess it's because she is a woman and I am a man and we are both very sensitive. We just moved in together a month ago. I don't know if it's going to work. I tell what I want for us in the future and I ask her what she wants and she says, "I don't know, that's a big question." or makes light of it with comments like, "You're scaring me closer!" I was just wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with this.
  19. I don't know what to do about my 5-year-old son. I just got a phone call from the camp that he is staying at for the summer and they told me that I needed to find another place for him. They told me that they spend too much time trying to calm him down and control him. What I dont understand is why isnt he like that all the time. Yes he is a hyper child and a bit ramunctious but he isnt aggressive or mean at home or with other children. I am at my wits end and reaching the point of break down. ](*,) I have tried everything with him (i.e. spankings, grounding, taking away things, rewarding for good behavior, etc). If you have read any of my previous posts you know that I am a single mom and that his father doesn't have much to do with him at all. I dont know if tha is part of the problem or not. I have thought about counseling and I just don't know what a counselor could do for a 5 year old. I really don't want to have to put him on medication. Does anyone else have a child like this that can lend a word of advice or encouragement??
  20. hi, i posted yesterday about cutting myself and i still haven't heard from my ex yet. i went to counseling today and they suggested that i call him to get some kind of closure out of the whole thing. they also think it is partly my fault because i never told him to stop and that he must of thought it was o.k. with me up until that point. i think he wanted to have a three-some but i'm not sure. i don't think it would have happened if he didn't drink so much. i don't know what to think i just don't feel good at all. i nedd to find the stregth to move on but don't know how. we have been together for 3 years, i need help please.
  21. Ok after being dumped 9 months ago I finally realize that he isn't comin back all that role playing was just to sooth myself momentarily. I do still love him but I now know he doesn't love me after chatting with him off and on and the only thing he mentions is how he misses me sexually I realized I wanna let go...I do also realize that I might need some type of counseling because I find myself becoming depressed and sad but the thing is I don't resume classes til january I'm not working and thereforeeee I can't afford to see a shrink even though I believe that is something I should strongly consider being that I'm not oveer this yet...anyone with any advice on how to see a dr without any insurance
  22. A majority of the people posting in this forum seem to be people who have been or are being abused. What I don't see are many people posting that used to be abusers but changed their ways. In my last relationship, the one I have been posting about in the Getting Back Together forums, I was for atleast half the relationship, an abuser. Sadly I had terrible anger issues. While I never struck or physically injured her in anyway I was extremely verbally abusive. I felt like I couldn't help it, I knew it when I was doing it, and I would think to myself, why am I doing this? She is crying and I am hurting the one I love, but I would continue to do it. Then one day she had enough, she told me that she was ashamed to be with me and couldn't take it anymore. I was crushed, and there was nothing I could do because I knew it was my fault. It was then that I made a decision to change, not only for her, but especially for myself. I came to the realization that if I didn't change now I would either be like this for the rest of my life or that I would be lonely for the rest of my life. I didn't want either of those two things. Among other things, I started going to counseling. And after 3-4 months I was happy to say that I was in a MUCH better place than I was before I started counseling. The next time me and my ex got into an argument, I stopped myself before doing anything stupid and I went to my parents house to sleep. The next couple of disagreements we had I tried my hardest to see things from her point of view and did not allow myself to verbally abuse her at all. My friends, my family and my ex could all see the changes that I made with myself, for myself and are still proud of me. It was not an easy process at all, but the only way an abuser will change is if he/she decides to change, for themselves, not for anyone else. The support of others will definitely help though. Sadly my ex dumped me about 6 weeks ago, but I am glad to say that it wasn't because of me being abusive. If someone really loves you, they will change. But don't give them too many chances.
  23. Hi all. I'm new to this forum but been lurking for a bit. I have read a lot of posts on why you should or should not attempt to reconcile with an ex. However I don't see any REAL advice on how to proceed once "getting back together' has happened. What I mean is once a breakup has happened, there is a crack in the foundation of the relationship. Aside from getting counseling ...what other methods are there? It's imperative that the issues that broke you up should be addressed before things can ever move forward....but how exactly do you do this? My questions are: What steps can you take to ensure the same issues don't pop up again? Is it necessary to keep talking about things that happened before? Some people tend to just sweep things under the rug and not address them. Wouldn;t this be a detriment? HOW do you talk about those "issues" without sounding distrustful..or like a broken record? If one person was the role of the "pursuer" in the initial relationship, how can you make that more balanced the next time around? Thanks in advance for your replies!!! M.L.
  24. What should I expect from marriage counseling. It might be one of the most difficult things I have had to face in my life but it is time. I am pretty darn scared. Any advice, information on what to expect?
  25. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We are both 30. We moved to a new city together about 16 months ago. Our relationship has suffered asince,. She says she feels "trapped" and needs space. She has stopped wanting to have sex. We've both been struggling with this for months. She thinks the fact that we are in a small apartment in a new city where we have only each other is making her feel this way. After realizing we were not making things any better, she suggested we get sperate apartments and I suggested we get couples counseling. We're currently doing both. Things seem a little better, but we haven;t officially moved yet and have had only one counseling session. We bnoth made deposits on new aprtments and found someone to take over our lease. I am feeling incredibly depressed over this. Can any women offer some insight? I love this girl more than anything, and she canl;t seem to explain to me why she's feeling the way she's feeling.
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