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About Me

  1. I’ve not been very good at journaling this year! I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one. He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits! I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in! And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up. In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day. This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!
  2. I decided to start this as a place to park my hodgepodge of thoughts and what's going on in my life. Had a great Easter yesterday- I had to drive a few hours to the airport to pick my son up from his trip to France and Spain. He had a great time and it seems like he grew up over night! It was so great to have both boys home and with me. Since I had them for Easter, I asked them what kind of meal they wanted and I went and bought the groceries for a nice Easter dinner. Then I get a text from my ex, saying his mom and dad are inviting me and the boys to Easter brunch at their house. Well I didn't really want to go because my ex and his gf would be there. But the boys wanted to go and they wanted me to come. So I told them I would drop them off, pop in to say hi to friends and ex's family, then pick them up later. It took a lot of courage. But Despite that, I actually had fun! My ex and his gf sat on the other side of the room, although at one point his gf complemented a necklace I was wearing. It was fun to catch up with people I essentially have not seen in 4 years since the breakup. Oh the things I do for my sons... Well afterwards I made that nice dinner and we had it by candle light- just before I had to take them to their dad's for the week.
  3. Well ,it looks like my hand may be pushed faster then I think . I heard a rumour ,yes ,you have to love the rumour mill that our new building is going to be condemned . I had to talk to my boss today and yesterday she told me we plan to re-start in 2 weeks and today she tells me we don’t know what we’re doing yet . So obviously the rumour mill is true . Thank Jesus I applied for unemployment ! A friend added me to all the Facebook child care sites and buy and sells. Unfortunately, my boss is on all the childcare sites . She’s going to know my plan eventually .
  4. Dear Catherine Angelina Marie, You were a miracle to have been conceived at all and I am so blessed to have been your mother. I know it maybe be silly to some that you have been named and that I would make a journal for you. I may have only known about your existence for about a week but you were still every bit my child and I love you. I have no idea if you were a son or a daughter but I have named you a girl. I am happy you have the company of your other siblings in heaven. You can be sure mommy thinks of you and loves you.
  5. So my husband I have been married for over 13 yrs, and we just finally finished growing our family (had the amount of kids we wanted), and now I think (?) it's finally time for me to think about the future, not that I haven't been, it's just that I've been so incredibly sleep deprived or wrapped up in parenting that it's kind of been on the back burner... literally the last thing on my mind. I just had our 4th baby almost 8 months ago, and with all the COVID stuff, it's been hard, but not undoable. I don't have any help with the baby or managing my kids, outside of my husband (and he does help!), but he also works and sometimes is required to work overtime... so there were literally days with 15 hours of me being with the kids all alone, not having any break. The sleep deprivation was unlike anything I've experienced before. It's been insanely hard, but thank God we've gotten through it ok. Baby still isn't sleeping through the night, sometimes will wake up as much as 5 times (!!) but it *should* get better, I mean he's our 4th so I know how this goes... it eventually gets a little easier. It's so hilarious to us that we wanted 4 so badly, and now that we've added that 4th baby, it actually feels like we suddenly have 10 kids! LOL We have moments where we look at each other and laugh and are like, "What the HELL were we thinking?!?!" It always seems like multiple kids are needing something done - ALL at the same time! And there's only two of us, so even when he IS here, it's just insane! I used to have an anxiety problem, and unfortunately even though it was gone for years due to just managing it well, it's come back full force with the post partum hormones plus trying to stay on top of everyone's needs. I don't really take care of myself as well, but it's kind of necessisary right now because kids' needs sometimes need to be met immediately (food/potty issues, diapers). I don't want to be put on meds for anxiety ... So it's kind of awful trying to see if I can self-manage again, and yet not having any help with the baby due to the COVID restrictions (even my parents are terrified because my husband is constantly potentially exposed). Self-managing anxiety when you're doing everything constantly is hard. It's hard to even write this journal and I've been interrupted several times LOL!!! If anyone has any ideas on trying to find a life balance with kids, after you've maybe lost yourself some (or a lot probably lol) that would be so appreciated. I do feel like I've lost myself a bit. But I barely even have time to go to the restroom (and showers are even harder to come by LOL). How can you find time for hobbies again, when I can barely even use the restroom Maybe I need to accept now just isnt the time?
  6. I hope in this journal people learn to understand people with autism. " In a box, not a bottle" is a private joke between me and my son. It is how we describe his experience with Asperger's . link removed
  7. Hi, this is my first attempt to seek advice so I hope for the best. I am a 55 year old father of a 21 year old autistic daughter and I raised her on my own since she was five till she was sixteen when I remarried to my second wife. Her biological mother was from the Philippines (and became a U.S. citizen) decided not to be much in her life since she moved to far away to make seeing her a regular thing. My daughter's autism is both intellectual and emotional disabilities so she still has temper tantrums when things don't go her way. After getting divorced, I did try to meet American women but it was quite difficult as a single man, overweight/on the shorter side, with a wonderful but difficult-at-times autistic daughter. Try as I did, no American women wanted to accept us a package. I accepted that and understood it as I wasn't a Hallmark Channel romance male lead with a special needs kid. Eventually, after many years, I decided to try the Philippines again as now online it was much easier to meet them and many women from there are much more accepting of men with children. But, of course, I was guarded but eventually met one who had a degree in Psychology and had been around those who were autistic in her work at a college. After a year of video chats online, I went there and, after two weeks, proposed and she accepted. That was five years ago. At the time, she did ask if I was open to having children and, at the time, I did the wrong thing. I said yes. But it was because I did, in fact, want to have another child at that time. But what I didn't say was that I was afraid that it could be another autistic child and I didn't want to go through the struggles of that again. But I said yes as, of course, I didn't want to lose her. But after she came to the U.S., we basically stopped being intimate as I discovered that she really doesn't have much interest in sex. but she still wanted to have a baby. But I was still reticent about having one as I was 51 then and she was 38. I had begun to realize that having a baby meant that I would be raising that child well into my 60s and 70s and there was no guarantee that the child wouldn't be autistic (we don't know where my daughter's autism came from -- whether from my background or that of her mother's as both don't have anyone autistic). And there was the financial consideration as well. Raising a child is expensive and my wife, who had had a good job in the Philippines, had now decided that she didn't want to work in America and just wanted to be a stay-at-home housewife and try online selling of some health-related products (but hasn't been successful). So it's up to me to provide for us which I can do and accept of course. I didn't marry her for a second income, I married her because I loved her. And I still do. And I believe she loves me as she had put up with a lot over five years. So put to rest any thoughts that she came her just for a visa. She left her family and a good job in the Philippines to come here and live here. Yes, the quality of life has gone up for her and yes, when I die someday, she'll be a lot more well off than in the Philippines, but she wouldn't have gone through the struggles we've gone through. But she feels that she has no purpose in her life since she doesn't have a baby of her own. Her two sisters have their own children and she's the oldest so she feels as though I've deprived her of what she truly desires -- a son or daughter of her own. While that is true in a sense - I did say yes prior to getting married about having children and I have to own up to misleading her then. The fact that I ask myself is why didn't she get married and have a child much earlier in life. We didn't get married till she was thirty-eight. So she had a lot of years before that to have a baby when it would've been safer for her than in her forties now. She could've married a younger/same aged man (although harder to do for older Filipinas) but it seems she feels that I lied to her and that she will never truly be happy unless she has a child of her own as she wants someone to care for her when she's old as, she presumes, I'll pass on before her since I'm 13 years older and then she'll be all alone. In the Philippines, it's normal for older parents to be taken care of by their oldest children but she doesn't fully get it that in America that doesn't always happen. I don't expect my autistic daughter to take care of me as it will always be the other way around. I've brought up the idea of adopting a child but to her that is no different than her having accepted my daughter as her stepdaughter. It's not her child by blood. For me, I'm entirely open to it as at least you adopt a child knowing something about his or her needs and it does give that child parents he or she may not otherwise ever have. And we could adopt an older child and so bypass the baby/toddler years. I don't want to be mistaken as the grandparent if I was to go out with a baby/toddler. So I don't know what to really do. She doesn't want to do marriage counseling as she feels two people should be able to work out problems without talking it out with someone else. I'm more of someone who needs to get advice from others. So she doesn't like it if I talk about things with my male best friend of many years. I've even thought we should go to a gynecologist to see if it's even possible for her to have a baby anymore. But then I still think she'll be upset with me if she can't. I feel bad for her as do want for her to be a mother but I cannot see myself going through being a father all over again. I love kids but the baby and toddler years are very stressful and it would also be hard with a possibly rebellious teenager while I'm in my early 70s. But, if she really wants to have a baby, why does she not want intimacy and for us to have sex? I don't know whether she doesn't feel close to me anymore and so doesn't want the intimacy or that she has a very low sex drive compared to me. I've accepted that so I don't try for intimacy anymore. She complains that her breasts tickle easily, that's she on a very long period (two weeks), and recently, she has a keloid (like a scar) that hurts that is right on her chest. Unfortunately, the keloid won't go away and so it makes intimacy that much more unlikely. I've brought up the Five Love Languages and it's true we see love differently. She sees it as Acts of Service, when I do things for her/home. And also Receiving Gifts. Whereas those are the two lowest for me. I value Words of Affirmation and Physical Intimacy as my first two. So it's no wonder that we aren't feeling love for each other like other couples. I do try to do things for her and the home to make her life easier and that she has things she wants (she's not a material person so it's not expensive things - just that I remember some small things and surprise her with them). So it seems we just have a marriage of convenience. Yes, we sometimes have good times together and she dutifully does the things in the house but I don't feel anymore that she loves me. Too much of her feels lost in the sense of never being able to be a mother of her own child. If this was so important to her, why did she marry me and not someone else who was more likely to want children? Hoping someone out there has some good words of advice. Not sure what advice there can be but I just want to hear from anyone who has good thoughts. Thank you.
  8. I wish I wasn’t mixed. I’m 18. I’m black/white; African dad, European mom. I currently live in the United States, but growing up, I lived all over Europe. My dad is a former professional football player and he played for a few clubs in Europe, so we moved frequently when I was younger. We settled in the States after my dad retired. Been here a few years. I’ve always been a bit insecure about my mixed heritage. And it’s always made me feel guilty cause my parents are really great, loving and supportive; I’m lucky to have them. I feel like my feelings are a betrayal to them. But I’ve just never been comfortable with my ethnicity. Due to a number of factors, really. From experiences with both sides of my parents' families to the way I have interacted with the many new environments I have been exposed to throughout my life. It’s just a culmination of things, really. I’ve lived in places where I was too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. So I never really fit in. I’m constantly asked questions about my ethnicity cause of the way I look – I was bullied when I was little cause I have curly blonde hair, blue eyes and brown skin. When I was in primary school, people said I looked like a freak. These days I don’t get bullied about my appearance, however, people are ALWAYS asking about my ethnicity and the reason I look the way I do. It kind of makes me feel like a circus freak. An exotic creature people ogle. As a result I am pretty withdrawn from society. I’m a loner, to be honest. My parents are always getting on my case cause I prefer to stay in my room, instead of interacting with society. I go off to college next year and I’m so afraid. A girl I had a casual relationship with said my insecurity isn’t racial, but rather, cultural. Because I have lived in so many places due to my dad's former profession, I’ve never really had a place I can call home – a place I can identify with. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But honestly, I do envy people who are of one “race.” I know every single person in the world has their problems, no matter the background. But I do wish I wasn’t mixed. I feel so bad feeling like this cause I love my parents but it is just how I feel. How do I grow beyond this?
  9. My ex and I were together for 8 years. 2 beautiful children under 5. Last couple years with stress of children, owning a home etc has been rough. We used to have a strong bond and thousands of great memories. We nearly broke up 3 months ago, when she was distant, and I discovered apartments rental applications in her browser history. We never had trust issues in the past. I told her she gave me no choice but to end things, and we argued for an hour and then went to bed separately. Next day I had change of heart, sent her flowers, and she came home crying and we hugged and we discussed an action plan for fixing things. her list wassimple. do dishes, make dinner once a week, let her go out 1 night a month and counseling if necessary. for the next 4-6 weeks we were in love again. Long walks, holding jhands, chasing her around the house, slapping her on the ass, making love etc. then the fighting started up again. All over trivial roommate type pet peeves and annoying loud house from children. She became distant again. I was reviewing our cell bill and noticed hundreds of text messages in last couple weeks alone to a familiar number. Her gay best friend Greg. I always supported their friendship, but hundreds of texts in a week seemed odd. Our daughter was playing games on her phone and asked for my help. I then go to texts and all but a few are deleted. I confornt her, explain she gives me no choice but to break up because of the deceit. She explains she has wanted to move out for awhile, and texts were aboutmaking the plans to leave, and advice. and I wont let her. She is no longer in love with me and its not fair to the kids... I then ask if she is willing to go to counseling. she says no. I then ask her to pack her things and leave. Keep in mind we lived together for 8 years. That was a month ago. she has since got a new apartment and all new life. She did not ask for her bed, TV, computer and many belongings. I continue to pick up Kids at daycare friday evening and drop off monday morning. I was on defensive claiming to be done and moving on with my life. I am a proud family man, and cherish my family and love her dearly. But I cannot allow her behavior. I was not about to ask her to come home, nor seem weak. But my heart hurts terribly. She has essentially been doing no contact for the entire month. COLD SHOULDER, no responses to pics of kids, nothing. This past weekend was first time I saw her in a month. She shows up all dolled up. I asked her to speak to me and she wouldnt look at me and keeps walking. I send a couple texts and she explains if we talk about kids only she will talk. I cant help it but to speak about feelings anyways. she sends pics of the kids back. no speak of feelings whatsoever. She acts as if she is hurt and trying to hurt me back. I kicked her out for wanting to break up with no counseling!!! She later texts, that " Ido not know what you want me to say, you have made it loud and clear how you feel and what you want" putting it back on me. 4 days later... I had flowers and her favorite pizza delivered to her work. She sends me a simple text.. "Thanks for the flowers and lunch" I know its a step in right direction. for an entire month she has acted like she is DONE! This is one stubborn nut to crack. I dont expect to run back into each others arms, and expect to take things slow. but damn I need more from her than she is giving. If she was done, would she be saying thanks?
  10. Ok so long story short.Ive done a couple of medium length jail bids since late 2014.Specifically Nov. 2014-Feb 2015,Aug. 2015-May 2016,June 2016 July 2016-July 2016,September 2016-Feb. 2017,and Aug.2018-Oct.2018I know it seems like allot but most of them were for stupid probation violations for dirty urines and things like that. I've been with my wife since I was 12 yr old I'm now 25 she's 27 and we have 3 daughters together. Pretty much every time I left I gave her an out and told her she could leave if she wanted, especially before the Sept 2016-Feb 2017 bid. I begged her to leave me before she cheats because I just found out before that she cheated when I was away for 3 weeks during June 2016. Every time she told me no I love you I'll Never leave you I dont care if you had life your my world and all of that good stuff.I Never really found anything crazy out until I came home July 2016 after 3 weeks when I seen a guy blocked on her Facebook that I knew but didn't think she even knew he existed. I asked her. She said he wouldn't leave her alone while I was away so she blocked him out of respect for me. Well I confronted the kid for coming at my wife after beIN turned down multiple times.turne out I was wrong. 2 days after I left she started liking all his pictures,he noticed so he messaged her. 2 weeks later she's having sex with him on my couch in my living room,on the eve of Father's day also,and my kids woke up to a strange man in mommy's bed on what was supposed to be Father's day. I forgave her for it. So that's why I stressed for her to leave mre when I went back in Sept cuz I didn't want to feel that pain again. She assured me things would be fine. Fast forward I come home. Thing are great for about 6 months until I notice a number texting her phone every day multiple times and she didn't reply.long story short it was a male nurse she worked with at her hospital and according to our cell phone records. She started texting him 3 days after I left and it never stopped until the day before I got released. They both deny any physical contact outside of a few kisses before leaving work. They said their schedules jus didn't match up and never got together. So I went on her google account history and I found searches like "why are male nurses always so.horny", "best way to give a blowjob",and "something sexually dirty to say to someone". And "porn" now I had no idea that my wife would ever watch porn everytime she found porn on my browser history she called me back pervert and scum an while I was gone she was looking It up a few times a week.i jus don't understand why it feels like I don even know this girl who is Makin these searches.domt get me wrong we really do have great sex but she's never went that above and beyond to make sure that its great.Now all that is this. My wife is not what I consider an overly sexual person. She doesn't shoot me sexy texts during the day she doesn't rlly talk about sex in an excplicit manner or anything like that. She gives me head but she let's it known she dont like to do it and I almost always have to do something to her first to get her revved up to want to do it. And lastly never in our long relationship have we sexted each other. I may have gotten a handful of naked photos through the years but I've had to ask for every single one. She's never texted me saying what she wants to do to me or me to her or anything like that. Then why would she step out of her comfort zone for him. Even tho we been together since kids we both have had multiple other partners through high school and the blowjob search really hit my heart because it took a long time to get her to do that to me on a regular basis. It feels more intimate to me than sex and she doesn't jus go around blowing anybody. But the betrayal comes from how she knows I would feel if I found out she gave. Him a blowjob. That would hurt worse than sex. And mostly everyone including her and my own family say that I deserved it all and I did it to myself an all that. Is that true? Do I deserve it? Or did she cross the line after she vowed to stay faithful just weeks after being caught unfaithful before. Then the last time I went away from Aug 2018 to Oct 2018 I found out that she went to the bar drinking almost every weekend I was gone which wouldn't be a problem but she didn't tell me while I was gone. And I haven't been out to the bar with my wife in years. It seem like she only goes out when I'm not home. Like when I leave she is a whole different person.i left august 14 she was at the bar till 4 in the morning by the 18th. Am I crazy or is she taking the freedom a little too far. I'd like to go out an have fun with her. But I have no choice but to think she dont take me out because she cant do what she usually does when she out if I'm there. It just hurts. I have a drug problem I'm not just some criminal. And I've always been faithful to her and love her so much. I jus want her to do the same. But going and pretty much fishing to cheat 2-3 days after I leave is a little much. Please give me some help or advice. I have no friends or family to go to and this eats me up inside.
  11. This is my attempt at expressing and consciously choosing to move forward in life, one smile at a time. It's been almost 4 months since we have been separated and it still lingers on, as it naturally should. We were together for what would of been 9 years this past new years and my life at 27 has definitely changed since. This will be a bit in depth but I want to get out all of my thoughts, failures, and fears and have them publicized to you all for mutual support, respect, and counseling. Reading others past experiences and current emotional mindset has really been an eye opener into the importance of constructive feedback. I hope this will help others somehow. When I was in college around 2004 I met this beautiful, young, Caribbean girl named "Mary." We met through mutual friends and we would all hang out at bars or clubs since the school we attended did not necessarily have the campus lifestyle. All of us would dance, have fun, be silly, and think nothing of it. Mary was a very happy, positive, young spirited girl that really captured my attention. We were friends for about a year and I noticed myself falling for her. I told a mutual friend about this and he said "man, let it go it's just a fluke." I realized that I was, after a year, approaching the "friends zone" and needed to act. FAST. I built up the courage while talking to her on the phone and told her that I liked her. She replied, I like you too, then I said no I REALLY like you. She hesitated, but then suddenly replied with a similar gesture. We began dating that fall and things were amazing. I eventually asked her to be my girlfriend on New Years at midnight and that's where our story began. It was heavenly bliss, as it usually is. We would think about each other, spend countless hours exploring each others body, sleep the day away and just be a young in love couple. For the first 6 months or so it was a dream. She was so in love with me and I could feel it in every action and gesture she made. Prior to this, my longest relationship had been 6 months and usually because I would lose interest in the girl. Not this time. I really liked this one. After the first year, I started noticing certain flaws, as most would after the honey moon period. I still really liked her and she was even more in love with me but my mind began to wonder. She was living at her mom's and not really working but would stay with me for 1-2 weeks at a time, which I didn't mind but made me question things. Sometimes she would either go to visit her family in the Caribbeans or travel for a modeling or video gig. During one of these trips, I found myself hanging out with another girl and unfortunately made the dumb decision to make out with her. Alcohol was involved, but it definitely was not what pushed me over the edge. After that incident and upon her return, I was so fraught with guilt and shame that I did the only thing I knew to do. Confess. It was awful. She was an emotional mess. I felt horrible about it. But I felt, at the time, it was the right thing to do. It took a little while but eventually we were back to being okay. I could tell that now and ever since, I had killed the spirit of love inside her, even if only a little bit. Something that I have always been raised by has been to be a go getter and diligent in everything I do. I had dreams and aspirations of going to Japan or Korea and teach English before I got into this relationship. I still wanted to do it, but it seemed harder than before. Around the third year of the relationship I decided I would try and make that happen again. It hurt her to hear this, but she knew it's what I wanted. I tried to start the application process and what not and ultimately got rejected from the program. The mentality was still there. I wanted to run away. To be free. To go through a rite of passage of sorts and find out who I really am. Somehow, I felt that this wasn't with her by my side yet something kept me around. As the years went by, she would sometimes go and visit her family, for maybe a month. My old self would get excited at this thought as if I had gained some freedom. Slowly my mentality began to change. When I would be around her or her friends I would become quiet, mildly annoyed and somehow a drag. I don't know what brought me to that state but maybe it had to do with me being unhappy in my situation yet not being able to let her go. I messed around once more with the girl I had kissed from before, but this time I did not tell her. I kept it to myself. And my soul slowly began to experience remorse. My ex has has this condition called endometriosis (endo). It is a debilitating pain that spreads from a woman's uterus. This would cause her to be in excruciating pain sometimes to the point where I would have to take her to the hospital. It happened more than 6 times, at least. When she needed me the most I would seem to drown in this depressed "woe is me" state that I was so young (23ish) and felt like I had a broken girlfriend. It was rough for her but for me as well. At one time I caught myself catching her as she fainted and had to call the ER to have them come save her because she was unresponsive. Medical issues plagued the early years of our relationship and it made me feel overwhelmed and stressed. The inner voice and feeling inside me was one of pushing away and rejecting what was to me not what I wanted. I eventually graduated college and found a different number of jobs. She had dropped out of college and was doing odd jobs here and there while still pursuing her modeling career, which was not really going anywhere. We were still happy and together, but it was my gut feeling inside still causing me to wonder and feel somewhat "off". At the time my friends where our friends and we would still do a lot of things together. It was nice, now that I look back at it but at the time I don't think I realized what I had or how I could better myself. When 2010 had arrived, I was at a low point in my job hunt. I had no where to live and go and ended up moving to a friends hallway. She was also still having problems with her health and causing her to not fully be able to pursue college or work. I decided for us to have a baby, since all the reading I had done indicated that pregnancy causes the endo to "spread" and break apart. We had had a miscarriage before when I was in school and i remember feeling like my life was over once I heard she was pregnant, but her body rejected it. So this time I wanted to consciously have a child with her. And it happened. Before the baby had been conceived, I had plans of visiting my family in Colombia. I had bought a ticket and had not seen my family in about 8 or 9 years. When the time came, She was about 6 months pregnant and I chose to go on my trip to visit my family. I arrived at my country and saw it with adult eyes for the first time. During one of my visits to family, I met this girl, a family friend. For the 4 days that I was there, I felt such a strong connection and emotion with this person. I also was having a mid life (20's) crisis because I was only 24 and about to be a young father. I was not prepared. Life had so much more to offer and my naive mind thought it was now hindered or closed off. So this Colombian girl was a representation of everything I could not have and wanted. I arrived back home and maintained contact with the girl through Facebook. Bad Idea. As with all things, they will eventually come to light and one day I left my Facebook up and she got on and read all the love letters that I had left this girl. While she was pregnant. It absolutely destroyed her heart. And it will be a mistake that I will forever regret causing. I apologized profusely, she called my mother and we all talked, cried, and tried to make amends. Things had changed. Things were off. It was the beginning of the end. Our daughter was born that summer and it slowly brought us closer. It also established boundaries between our now adult relationship. The baby became a priority, our sexual activity decreased, the burdens of raising a family on a limited budget were mine to bare, etc. She went the first year staying with the baby while I would work and go out occasionally (still being insecure about trusting me). My daughter brought me a lot of joy and a new sense of self was slowly being instilled. I was still working multiple jobs until I finally landed my first true full time job at an ad agency. Once again, my inability to remain faithful would rear its ugly face. The job was amazing, fun, and new. The people were creative, unique, and culturally diverse. As always, there was a girl and this one girl was the complete opposite of what I had at home: driven, successful, intellectual, deep. It was unique and mind blowing. I have this habit of writing on moleskines (little black books) everything that I feel and began writing about this girl, we will call her Zara. Zara was on my mind, my dreams, everything. I would look forward to seeing her in the morning, stay late at work to try to talk to her. It was a mess. I kept looking everywhere else for change and not where it mattered most. Within. On one occasion, Jo found one of these little books and again, I broke her heart. I never acted or did anything with Zara. It was simply a perpetual daydream. Slowly I began to lose interest or woke up to the reality of us not being able to be with each other. Since Zara was someone who, at that time, I could see myself spending my life with. Jo began to pull away from me slowly and I took notice. As I shut off my emotions for Zara, another girl at work named Randi, who I wasn't really interested in, began to pay me more attention. When the baby's first bday arrived, we had planned a big party with many guest. That morning i was on my laptop and on Facebook when I see that she had left her Facebook up. I found messages of her talking to an old friend of hers and them discussing hooking up and what not. For the first time, the tables had turned and I felt the stabbing pain of mistrust. The profound sadness and anger that comes with it. It was a horrible day for me. We tried to have it work out that day. For the baby. But our relationship from that day had finally reached it's final descend. I now had issues of insecurity, but did not do the right thing in working our relationship out. I buried those emotions and continued on with our life. At the ad agency, there was another girl who was all smiles and always enjoyed my company. Her name was Randi. She was not really my type but I could tell and feel the attention she would direct towards me. My home life at that time was not exactly positive other than the baby, and I felt this selfish need to let some sexual energy out due to the strain and stress of my job (very simple minded) and thus I began to fool around with this girl. Consistently. During this period I attempted to move out because I had felt that I was completely losing my self and betraying everything that we had. Outside of this relationship and during this period, I was a very compassionate guy with a good heart. It just seemed like our relationship was getting very wary and I was not really in it anymore. Her flaws and lack of drive was constantly leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I tried but with no success, because I began to miss them (especially since it was now 7 years of our relationship). New Year arrived (anniversary) and I had an illuminating moment . I was hired as a videographer for an out of town shoot in another state and since we were short on money, I took on the job. My intention was to take Randi and grab a hotel after the shoot and of course have fun all night long. The day I was getting ready to leave, I went to my office to pick up some batteries and when I was in the stock room, i found a quote someone had placed almost strategically for me to read. It was the commencement speech by Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola. If you have a chance, please read it. I will post the link below. Once I read this, something was lifted. I realized that my relationship was being irrevocably damaged and that I was the cause of this pattern. I had to change. I called Randi and canceled our plans. I could not carry through one more deceitful moment to the mother of my child, especially on our anniversary. My acts had made me more insecure, unstable, needy, clingy, and paranoid around her. I was holding on to love too tightly but also throwing it around like it didn't matter. I didn't deserve her. My adult heart had blossomed and I wanted to save the last pieces of the unicorn heart. Enter 2013. The final chapter. The baby was now 2 and she had made new friends. She had been going out more and more and without me. Her confidence was back, her body bounced back to normal and she was alive again. Slowly she began to exclude me from her activities. I bought her an iphone (worst idea ever) and I began to notice her activity on the phone completely rise and at all hours of the night. My paranoia began to affect me. I had dreams of her rejecting me, treating me like I wasn't even around and completely making me feel invisible. Nightmares. Multiple nightmares. But my subconscious mind could tell that this was coming. During this time I was pursuing other endeavors outside the ad agency, Randi had been fired for quite some time (no fault of mine) and I didn't even care about Zara anymore. I wanted to be the family guy. The man to protect and love what was special to me. But I had missed that opportunity. I was involved in fashion and had an opportunity to move to NYC with my business partner. My plan was to start a 6 month plan and eventually move my family up there. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was nervous but was willing to test myself and see if this was the rite of passage I had been searching for. I asked Jo if she thought we could make it through this and she gave me her blessing. But deep down she took this as me abandoning them. I moved up on February and one of the hardest month and a half of my life began. I would think about her constantly. Notice her pictures on Instagram when she would go out. Take pictures and find a random guy in there with her. Our phone conversations were very short, she would not be affectionate at all and almost have a distaste in talking to me. I could not work. I was constantly thinking about her. Depressed and alone, I told my business partner I had to go back. I was considering marrying her and told him abo ut it. I sent her flowers and she never really mentioned anything. When the thought of marriage came, my friend (who was the one that introduced us and was also my business partner ) talked to her discretely about the idea and she told him that she wasn't ready and hoped I would not propose. He said it pained him to tell me but he rather it hurt now and not be embarrassed. In our earlier years, she would constantly say she wanted to get married. She worked at a bridal shop, had the dress picked up and everything. Now she was repulsed by the idea and rightfully so. I had done so much wrong up until this point. Karma was in full force. I moved back and tried to make things work. She was now living a new life it seemed. Constantly going out on the weekends, not invite me, talk on the phone with different people all the time and just keep me on the side. It was awful. I was so insecure, depressed, sad, angry, and losing control. At one point I had to help her with her iphone and found a text from a guy she was talking to. She ran to the bathroom and closed herself shut. I was so weak and desperate because I did not want to lose her. The old me would of taken this as an excuse to rid myself of her but now I could not live without her. We had been through so much but she had finally decided to shut off her emotions towards me and slowly cut me out. October 27th, 2013. A Halloween party we attended "mutually" was taking place. I met up with her there and expected to hang out with her. Like old times. Not as parents or anything but as a couple. A couple that had fun together. But this was all an illusion. She treated me exactly as I had dreamt it. A stranger. She would talk to guy friends I had never even met and not even introduce me. I vividly remember her introducing me to someone as her "friend" and when I confronted her about it she totally denied it, but I wasn't drunk and am not deaf. It was a horrible experience. I felt so unwanted and rejected. I made her come to the car and talk to me and I asked her to stop doing this as I had before. She was so dead, cold, and unapproachable that I could not even take the pain anymore. I told her to just please break up with me because I was not able to. And that's exactly what she did. Just that. Ended it. I lost my identity. I was so distraught and grief stricken by everything. It seemed unreal. I moved out. Found a random house to live in and attempted to dust myself of. I could not. She seemed ok by everything. I cried each night I would leave my job to go home to an empty house by myself. I became more paranoid at her social media that for my sanity I took her off. Before we broke up, she randomly decided to manage a DJ. She knew nothing about electronic music or managing. After we had broken up I found on her laptop a message that they had been messing around. It killed me even more. That she had moved on so quickly and relentlessly. I was helpless and alone. Since I was the primary bread winner at the house, I continued to pay some of the bills. I tried to talk to her multiple times about us, but all she would state is that she doesn't know what she wants. I did not understand it. I was in limbo. Sometimes she would be affectionate towards me and kiss me or we would have sex and tell me things like "you still have control over me" and other times she seemed so distant and aloof. My purgatory was everywhere. I did not know what to do. I want her back but I don't know how to approach it. I wish she would just tell me why we can't work out or what we can do to move forward and start all over again. I found out so much dirty laundry during this period. Like she was talking to a guy when I moved back from NYC and mentioned me to him as an 'EX'. She had been emotionally disconnected for quite some time but was unwilling to do anything because she was afraid of making it on her own. During the last two years of our relations hip she asked me to help a guy cousin of hers to move in with us and out of his moms house. I did so because it was her family. He continues to be there and I don't think the loneliness has impacted her as much as it has me because she has him and our daughter. I now sit here, 9 days away from 3 months of being split and trying to cope and learn from all this. Embracing my suffering. When I'm around her sometimes I get really sad, depressed or really short and blunt. I want to be happy again and keep things light and airy because that's the energy state she's in right now and that's the best possibility of me winning her back. I made so many mistakes and will forever have these scars but I feel as if she has made me into a better person. I don't know if she's going through a phase similar to mine but I am completely helpless in anything to persuade her. My biggest fear is that so much time will pass that I will just be a dream, an afterthought, and a thing of the past. I fell in love with her because of her heart and am so afraid that someone else will fill my place. She has mentioned that she wants to make new memories with me but that right now she doesn't know. She sees me in her future but she doesn't know what she wants right now. I have frequently tried talking to her about the issue and I'm sure the pressure is pushing her away even more, as she has mentioned to me multiple times. I have to have more self control with my emotions. I am learning to be comfortable with uncomfortable situations. I am talking to other girls now but it seems empty and vapid when what I want does not want me in return. I held on too loosely at first and then held on too tightly towards the end and now she has removed herself. I pray for patience, strength, courage, and luck because I do believe it's possible for people to change. I changed. I am not the same man I once was. I care for her and her heart. My drive became my family and now that has changed. During the last month of our relationship she started out of no where managing a "DJ". I thought it weird because she knew nothing about that type of job and especially the music. THey would talk on the phone and it would really irk me. The breakup occurred and they continued to talk. During our break up, I would (too often) talk about our relationship and she would tell me that she's not trying to date or be in a relationship with anyone. Months have passed since then and I have heard from others that they are seen around town and what really killed me was when I found out that she was taking my daughter to have icecream with him. To me, this is a big step if a woman is introducing a new man into my daughters life. I feel so helpless and guilty but also am beginning to not continue to blame myself. I did a lot of messed up things but I also did a lot of good things. I guess it's just her finally refusing to deal with it anymore and seeing that there are other options out there. During the breakup I would give her rides ( she has no car) to work and even let her borrow my car to go out with her girlfriends. I found out on facebook that on one of these nights she actually was hanging out with him and her friends and that really pissed me off. Now I feel like I'm being played. I guess it's just my karma. I hope one day we can try again because I am not the same person I was. Don't let time pass you by with someone you are sort of in love with. Make a whole hearted decision to either be with someone that loves you or let them go so you can find the person that will make you grow internally. I think about her everyday, have to see her everyday. We have gone out on dates during the week but she never invites me out on Saturdays, when her mom takes care of the baby but she just goes with her friends. She mentioned that I don't get along with her friends (which I didn't because I felt they were partly to blame in persuading her to leave me ) and that she doesn't know how I will react if a guy friend comes up and talks to her, or why she would want to be around someone that's either depressed or angry. And shes right. It's still too soon for me. If I want a chance at us working out again, the old relationship has to die first. It's gone. My happiness has to happen first and my comfort has to be unwavering around her. I am doing everything to change that. Self help books, meditation, mental exercises, etc. Sometimes it seems that this would be easier if I never had to see her again, or if she told me that this will never work out. But she has said neither which unfortunately instills a false sense of hope within me. Please, if you lasted all this read and have suggestions or similar stories, don't be afraid to talk. Love is such a powerful yet sensitive dance that we sometimes get lost in it's beauty and grasp on too tight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe that's why I felt the way I did during the early years of the relationship. But my love for her continues. And I know she loves me, she's just not IN love with me, or us. I hope life brings us back together again and forever because it is through her and my daughter that I encountered the fears I need to overcome.
  12. My girlfriend has been talking to an old friend of hers as she claims. The messages are very flirty and he thinks I'm just her baby daddy. She went to the bar with her sister the other day and I found out that afterthe bar, her and another friend went to a fire at his place, her and my girlfriend ended up in this guys room. He then decided to bang the one while trying to get his hands down my girlfriend's pants who then claims to have left. I feel the situation is in appropriate considering we have a child. She thinks I'm crazy for being upset. She didn't tell me any of this I was shown the messages she sent to her sister. Until I told her I seen the messages she tried to claim she was at the bar until 4am it's illegal to serve alcohol after 2am here. How should I feel ?
  13. Hi All Here is me, Male, in my thirties… In a Polyamorous difficult situation. I have a girlfriend for about 5 years (will call her “A” for simplicity). We had kind of a break 3 years ago.. and I met another girl (let’s call her “B”) With “B” I basically fell in love but at the same time also went back to make peace with “A” For about a year I basically dated both of them.. until “B” got pregnant. Now I have a 1 year old child too. “A” knows everything about it.. and she accepted it.. and also accepted the child (but will never accept the mother) but she wants to get married now (after 5 years relationship) and also to make her permanence with me more valid, starting a family with me too. Even if “B” has been with me for shorter time.. I cannot stop thinking about her either. I am 100% sure I love them both, but both of them want exclusivity. “B” will find probably find another partner if I don’t commit properly to her and stop treating her as “hidden lover” - obviously she cannot cut me entirely as I’m still the father of the child “A” will probably leave me and cut all connections with me if I do not get married to her.. soon This is the most difficult decision I have been facing.. for long time now. Both women have their positive qualities, they are very different but they are both amazing. “A” is with me for long time (5 years); “B” has already an healthy and strong child with me.. “A” is the mother type; always supported me and looked after me. Been pretty much only with me in her life. “B” (slightly older than “A” but not really relevant) is the partner type; always had extreme fun together and doing everything with much more passion. She had been a playgirl in the past but she stopped it when she met me. She left everything to continue the pregnancy, and she gave up pretty much everything for our child (she had a great job that she had to leave) I have been trying to keep them both for another year now.. but I started realizing that doing this is making both of them suffer. I always find either one crying and I feel selfish to continue to do so. Obviously my dream would be to keep them both, and live happily ever after all together; having children with both of them.. but I guess this can only be a dream. Is there any hope I could try to convince them to accept each other? or how do I choose between them? This situation is draining my energies lately and even when I lean towards one of them.. eventually I pull back to the other..
  14. Hi all, I'm not sure if anyone will remember me being on here as it was a few months ago now. My title was sexless marriage. Well that is now resulted in the end of my marriage and not through my doing I believe. I can't remember where I was at the last time I posted but I have been to hell and back several times over the past months, I've been heartbroken and had that mended and broken again. I've had my feelings toyed with and been used and played which has resulted in me being in a very dark place. I'm struggling, really struggling as I can't no matter what I do get my wife out my head. Every single day I end up feeling down and become upset. It can be the smallest thing like a memory will come into my head. I shouldn't allow myself to feel like this after the way I have been treated because she has been truly horrible to me. The friends I have left and my family think I'm being an idiot after what she has done to allow her to have this hold over me. I've been to a Councillor I've been to a doctor who just gave me medication but that makes me feel muted and I don't like feeling like that. I really need to talk to people for ideas and suggestions because being honest here I don't think I can continue this path. I've moved jobs, I've now had to find a new home I'm trying to build a new career but my memories are always overwhelming me from thinking positively and moving on. I know my wife doesn't feel like this she is living her life as normal with not a care in the world about me or what she has done to me over the past months. To top it off I'm not getting to see my daughter because her head seems to turned against me which is unbelievable and sole destroying as I spent most of my daughters life with her. I was the one who took her everywhere myself, took an interest in everything she had an interest in, built all her school projects with her,,,, I'm sure your getting the picture here. I can barely get a reply to a text message from her now and haven't seen her in weeks now. Just need to talk this through if anyone is willing to
  15. So next month I would have been with my bf for 1 year. So I’m very nosey so I decided to look for his ex girlfriend/baby mum online. He is a very private person and has never shown me her nor told me her name lol. So me being intrigued I found her Facebook then followed her on a fake Instagram [emoji23]♂️. She accepted it today and I see she posted a pic of my boyfriend mum saying ‘celebrating my mother in laws 60th’..... mother in law?? You don’t refer to your exs mother that way even if it is your child’s grandma. Most annoying part is I can’t even mention it to him cos he will be mad about me snooping and following her on a fake insta. Any advice ladies [emoji24]. Do you think they’ve been in a relationship this whole time ? He told me they broke up just before she found out she was pregnant. There child is 4 years old now.
  16. He was 92. It would have been his birthday next week. He died from double pneumonia from the flu. He lived a long and fruitful life. He was born in the UK and immigrated to Canada when he was four years old. He was 17 when he married my grandmother ( she was 15)and became a soldier. He served in World War II. He was a soldier from 17 until he was 55. They had 4 children together, Five grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren. They were married for 63 years when my grandmother died 11 years ago. He was a great artist and had many friends in his retirement home community. His favorite saying was "everyday that you wake up is a blessing". He was very much the patriarch of his family. He is survived by his four children , his five grandchildren , and 9 great-grandchildren. We love you Grandpa and hope you are at peace with your loving wife.
  17. Please tell me your experience and advice. I've been with my partner for 3 years. We live together and love each other very much. We've been arguing about this point forever though: His indecision to want children. It's the one major stumbling point to our relationship and I am at least grateful that he is a very honest and has been straight with me about this. He has been saying yes, then no, then yes, then no again. I gave him 6 months to think about it whilst I promised not to bring the subject up again. At the end of the 6 months he still hadn't made up his mind so I moved out and have been seeing him for the past 2 months as a live-out girlfriend. After 1 month apart he said that even though he didn't want children, he'd be willing to have them to keep me and keep me happy. I took this as relatively good news so was hoping to move back in with him but recently he again said that he was unsure and that maybe he doesn't want them again! I was so sad as I'd built up my hopes again! I've finally decided to break up with him about this as the ambivalence is driving me insane but he continues to say that he wants to be with me but doesn't want children. I'm 70% sure by leaving him I am doing the right thing but I wonder if i'll ever meet anyone as kind, sweet and caring as him. Have you been in a similar situation in the past? What did you decide to do? Am i doing the right thing leaving him? Help please!
  18. I don’t meet the gpa requirements for teaching credential programs in California . I’ve been working for 5 years in medical records . I’ve been looking into early childhood special education credential, multiple subject credentials . How do I go about this route ? I very much would like to work with children .
  19. hi decided to start a new thread, hope that's OK? Basically it has now been over a year and we still go for daily runs etc . Even occasional sleep overs (share a bed but nothing like that). We were together 20 years, ex girlfriend and I are in a wierd place, she said yesterday that she wishes we could go back in time and was crying. Having said that she does occasionally blow hot and cold, but if I say I'm going out always asks where I'm going etc. I do, do alot of the chasing and know i shouldn't its just so hard not too. Yes she is like a drug and feel good when I have seen her (16 Yr old daughter lives with me and 21 yr old with mum). We both keep calling it a mess so why does she not just say lets try again? Or should I say this? I just don't know. All I know is it hurts. Many thanks for any advice
  20. Hi, My 24 yo daughter is in porn. I found her pseudonym online last night. She has posted hundreds of EXPLICIT shots of herself in the "act". I also found her pseudonym's twitter account where she posts daily about her "shoots" and how excited she is. According to her first post, she's been doing this for 2 years. Over those 2 years my husband and I have tried to give her a part time job with us which she flaked on constantly. Working with us she had learned advanced excel and office skills that I hoped she could apply to other more lucrative work. In the meantime I paid her rent and supplemented her food. I had tried to get her interested in nursing school again [she flaked out twice before] but she flaked out a 3rd time stealing my tuition money in the process. She's smart, scores well on tests and is extremely personable. All this and she claimed she couldn't find other work blaming the economy. Yet her cousins - between the ages of 19 and 25 also can not find jobs "in their field" but they are all employed delivering pizza, waiting tables and even dressing up in squirrel costume at an amusement park. She became angry with me for not giving her more money and for not visiting her after she moved out of town 3 months prior "for a job" unleashing a barrage on me when I asked why her job wasn't paying her bills. I told her to give me a break - at the time she chose to take off, I'd recently 'adopted' my adult disabled brother, relocated him and at the same time became trustee in my recently deceased step-father's messy estate which took a lot of work. Her move, my brother, the death of my stepfather and taking on the trustee tasks all happened within one month. When she left it was on good terms. I thought she understood that the new mess I was embroiled in was a disruption in my life that would take time to smooth out. She has to take care of no one but herself. I also work full time and began suffering mild depression. Her response to me "YOU GO GIRL," then began mocking me til I told her I wanted her in my life but not like this. before she moved I'd given her $3000 in hopes she put it toward something useful. I don't know what to do or how to go on with this in my head. To be honest, by the time she left, she had become a torrent of heartache and to see her just made me unhappy. I could have gone to see her... but I didn't want to! She was so awful to me. blaming me for everything that's gone wrong in her life. Full of lies, stealing. all that came out of her mouth was deceit. All this sounds like strange behavior. I've asked her to get herself seen and offered to pay for therapy. Nothing. Last night I wrote her after 3 months of silence between us. I told her I was still angry about before but that I still loved her. Asked her to stop what she was doing because it is dangerous. I am worried for her safety but the hardest part is facing the fact that I dread seeing her again.
  21. For whatever reason, I'm having real trouble adjusting to my separation, the week-on-week-off schedule with my children living with me and being single. I am seeing a woman I fancy, not sure how interested she is. I've been separated about a year and would be divorced by now if my ex (of 24 years) would just finish what she started. She's had my draft separation agreement since early April and has done nothing with it, not even responded through her attorney despite my lawyers calls to them. I enjoy the weeks that my kids are here. Its noisy, busy and fun. When they go, I go through a letdown that lasts several days. Those weeks without them, I do go out. But the woman I'm seeing is, like me, very busy with work and her own life. So I'm now missing her too when (as circumstances have it) we can't see each other or even occasionally have to change plans. To round it out, I work from my home, traveling for business a fair amount. But often, I'm just here, working and talking on the phone with my clients. Nearly all my local friends are married and have children. So its tough to see them too. Its not like I'm a shut-in though I do feel like that sometimes. Just 'getting out there' is hard. Sustaining meaningful connections to those around me is way hard since my marriage ended and my family blew up. I am in counseling. I wish I could say its helping more. I'm sure I'd be much the worse if I wasn't working on me. For over a year now, I've been taking anti-depressants (Celexa) with no ill effects. I've never been listless, depressive and unmotivated in my life. But I am there now and feel really stuck. Have others had these issues as they endured a separation, dissolution of family and divorce? I'd love to get some suggestions (beyond 'just do it') to get and stay on a more positive track. Thanks, Raoul
  22. I'm talking about a "child" who's 30 years and moved out since the age of 18. Is it normal for the mother of a 30 year old to still say things like: -Eat all your fruits and vegetables -I hope you’ve gained some weight (What the heck at this, why would I want to gain weight? FYI, I LIKE being slim, I don't WANT to gain weight, why would a mother wish something on me that I wouldn't want to begin with!) What kind of a thing to say is this?? I don't care if it's out of love, I want to scream to her face that "I don't want to gain weight" and to leave me alone! She said this in 4 e-mails! Same crap every time she writes even though I repeatedly told her it irritates me every time she writes this. -Don't forget to forget to wear warm sweaters and pants I think I'm old enough at 30 now to wear whatever I want and if she doesn't like it too bad. -Eat well to get energy for the day -Remember to take calcium , it’s good for your bones. Take 2 tablets a day (about 1000 mg), choose the one with vitamine D added. Chew them if they are too big to swallow. What, am I a 3 year old now? I am quite capable and competent thank you very much. I'm 30 and my mother thinks she can tell me take vitamins and chew if they are too big to swallow.. ?? lol Does anyone else have a mother like this? She patronized me via e-mail btw, not in person. If your mother still patronizes you and you are an adult who lives on his/her own please name specifics. It would make me feel a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one having to suffer/deal with being patronized like this. My mother is dense btw, she doesn't understand when I ask her not to patronize me, it really goes through one ear and out the other. I think she's not capable of understanding. Telling her in a mature and adult way to stop patronizing etc will not work because she is obsessive compulsive and next time will probably say the same thing because she just can't help herself. Sometimes I wonder if I was a guy if she would still patronize me like this? Or is it that she's just so obsessive and compulsive that she will patronize me either way? It's annoying and does nothing but push me away and resent her even more. I don't care if it's done out of love. It still bothers me a lot.
  23. Hello I haven't been on here in a while. First of all I have previously been in relationships where I have not been respected and I am growing more aware. Few months ago, I took up exercising in the local park- its so beautiful and I like going to clear my head and think things through and be in nature. During my jogs, I met a lady who struck up conversation, she lives locally and we struck up a friendship, she seemed lovely- I used to go 4 x a week, but I said we could jog together on the weekends when I'm a little more relaxed about time as weekdays I'm on a routine. Since we met, we have jogged nearly every weekend since summer. Now my life is quite busy as I typically have 50-60 , hour weeks , I work from home and study full time. My weekends are not free as that's when I do the bulk of my studying as I work in the week. I was lucky to be accepted on a program that I never thought I would be accepted on so I am really careful to keep my grades up. here's the issue , I have mentioned that its not typical that I am free every weekend- In the summer I was, now I'm at school and juggling my work and deadlines Im not always available on the weekends. she's married /kids and would prefer later run, 10-11am, we compromised at 8.30am. She has given the option to work out at her place, we tried, there isn't enough space plus she had kids and she keeps going off to attend to them. Im time conscious so I told her I prefer we stick to running. I felt like I want to protect my intention to run- I didn't make the intention to work out at someone else place. I can do this at home. I have thanked her for the invite every time she has opened her home to workouts. Recently, I've had back to back deadlines and some personal issues arise which I need mental space to clear. I have met her every other week, not every week and usual and this has caused a lot of friction between us, through snarky comments and "jokes" about me being away for over a "year" . I sense suppressed anger behind these jokes and I am unsure why such anger should arise. When we do run, she brings up a strong a heavy topic towards the end of our run, so its hard to cut off when she starts talking about something deeply personal.this extends the run by 10-20 minutes. I once got woken at 5am and I had 10 missed calls every few minutes from 5am! This was when I sensed the shift. She then proceeded to tell me she would come and knock if I didn't answer. I called and it was just to confirm the time of our meeting. I have started to feel her "pull" on me, e.g wanting to text back and forth during the week, her texts "feel" angry , one word answers if I don't constantly update. When its not an emergency, I end messages with "enjoy the rest of your day" to signal the end of conversation , especially after we've just been together for almost an hour. I genuinely do work and study 10-12 hour days! I make time to catch up with my friends every other month, im ok without daily contact from my friends. I take time to let people in, I am happy to let friendship slow burn but Im feeling an anger from her- because I keep pumping the breaks. I don't want her to introduce me to her single friends- she had hinted at a singles evening and I said I'm not ready to date so I won't attend but I hope she and her single friends have fun. The event didn't happen, which makes me think it was targeted at me. Lastly, I don't feel like I should rush anyone's energy into my life. I take my time and I don't feel entitled to anyone else time or energy. I have felt a massive knot in my stomach and nausea when I think of her and this wasn't there before Im intuitive and Im feeling something off- I find myself explaining why I cant do this or that or why I don't want to go to this event or dinner. I hate that I feel the need to explain myself. I feel pulled on. I feel a knot and a sinking feeling in my stomach when I think of her. Somethings shifted with her and I can feel it. I cancelled our run for the next couple weeks as I have started working out in my own space- alone- with time to think and clear my head and reset my energy. Energetically, I feel invaded. Im thinking of fading away. Perspective please?
  24. So I have an appointment set up tomorrow to do coolsculpting for this double chin I swear just grew in the past two years after my second kid. I'm not going to lie; with two kids, it's been a wash rinse repeat day to day, with very little time for myself. I usually just go with things after some thought, but I'm having second thoughts on coolsculpting. My husband said if I kick start my metabolism, I can get rid of the double chin in a few months with exercise. Is this true, or do I have this chin from age (turned 40 on Monday), and just fat build-up that won't go away with diet and exercise. Thoughts??? Yeah, I know, this is nothing to sweat over about; I just want to know my options. Thanks!
  25. What do you guys think about Facebook friends who rarely or never like anything that you post? I’ve had friends on my Facebook page for years, and I notice that it’s always the same 3-6 people who like my posts. I have hit 'like' on probably all of my friends’ posts at one time or another. Not every single post, but if I see something I like, I hit like. We post, and like similar content as well, so it’s not like we have completely different tastes. Often, the friends who don’t like my stuff, will share the exact same thing I shared right from my page, and not once will they leave a comment or like it. On newsfeed you can sometimes see posts that people like, so I’m able to see that they are very active on Facebook, because they’ll like many people’s posts or leave comments. I don’t want to sound immature, but I’m starting to take it personal. I don’t mind at all when people share something directly from my page, but what bothers me is that they will never hit like on it, or comment. The few things that I can think of that we don’t have in common are that most of my friends have children, and I don’t because I’m focusing on finishing school. Most of them didn’t continue their education after high school because they had children, or they dropped out of college temporarily, so that’s another thing that we don’t share. Also, I live with my mom because it’s cheaper for me since most of my focus is on school, and not work full-time. The majority of my Facebook friends moved out of their parents’ homes since very young, once they had children. The ages of most of my Facebook friends are from 20-30, and I’m in my late twenties. Most of them being around my age cause we practically grew up together from grade school until high school years. I've thought about deleting the friends who never like anything that I share, but that's almost all of them lol. What do you guys think about this? Feel free to share your experiences, thoughts, suggestions, etc.
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