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About Me

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  1. Hey, ENA. Welcome to part one of the new PDN5 series called "shouting into the void about his past and present problems." For context, I am a 26-year-old man. Relationship Problems and Break-Up I broke up with a long-term girlfriend (23 F), call her R, almost three months ago. Things with R were not going well. Here is why. Problems. Views on Children. I was originally open to children when entering my relationship. R really wanted/wants biological children: that became apparent we got to know each other better, and especially in the last several months. (Of course, that's totally okay). I started going to therapy for our relationship problems last December. During the course of that therapy, my therapist and I realized that there was a complex moral issue that was causing me mental turmoil. I likely didn't want to accept it because I knew it probably would affect or end the relationship. Essentially, for moral reasons, I realized I should not have biological children. After I came to terms with this and told R, we stayed together for a while - maybe a month or two - but it affected us, and eventually, I knew that would likely remain an irreconcilable difference. COVID-19 Restrictions. R was very, very, very worried about the pandemic - at their core, the worries were for good reason, because some of her family were at greater risk of serious illness. I tried to work within her parameters, but they became unreasonable and began to affect our relationship. To illustrate how far it went, it became tough to see even my small immediate family because, if I did, I would not see my girlfriend for two weeks. That extended to responsible friends, even while outside, 1-1. While I've been a responsible citizen of the world during this pandemic, I am an independent guy who likes his freedom. Additionally, I haven't always gotten along with my immediate family so well. We are in a good place now, for the first time in my life. I really value them, so knowing there would be consequences put an unfair strain on seeing them. (I tried to be reasonable - "Hey, R, let's go and wear masks the whole time?"). Eventually, hope was on the horizon because the vaccines were coming out. But then - she was fearful of all of the vaccines, too. She believed without any scientific basis (she has a degree in a natural science, so this was surprising) that there was a substantial chance that the vaccines would cause fertility issues. So, not only were all of those limitations on my seeing others becoming unreasonable and difficult, but I also saw no end in sight to them. It became too much. Sex and Communication. Though I try to be a giving partner in this department, R eventually stopped giving earnest effort here. It felt like sex was for her benefit mostly. In many cases that is okay - I am a giving partner - but I don't like feeling neglected or not working together in this department. I communicated concerns to her, but doing so just seemed to make a difference once and then the habits would continue. Intuitively, I chalk it up to being interested in different things sexually - perhaps she obliged my interests for a while. No one's fault, just incompatible here. Misc. Communication was not easy. She would not let me support her as a partner, i.e., help her with tasks like resume/applying for jobs (I help a lot of my friends with resumes, usually with success) or driving (she was for most of our relationship without a driver license - in her early 20s. Early in our relationship, she hid this fact from me out of embarrassment, but when I wondered why she was always having me or her parents driving her around, she eventually told me. I only wanted to be a supportive partner and help - she should be able to drive to see me on occasion instead of parents dropping her off). For the second half of the relationship, I paid for everything: food, dates, gifts. I understand I had a job and she was not in a steady job, but once in a while doing something like picking up McDonald's for us would have been nice. She often acted spoiled or child-like: it at times felt like I had a daughter instead of a partner. Probably as a result, I often felt uncertain and anxious about the relationship. When I sit down to really think about it, there were so many problems. Due to past experiences where I left the relationship too early instead of fighting for it, I now believe in fighting for the relationship with best efforts... but perhaps I let the pendulum swing too far the other way this time. The Break-Up. There were many other problems (see misc.), but the first three above were the primary deal-breakers. The break-up was the most belligerent and perhaps infantile that I've ever had. When I sent the "we need to talk"-esque message, R refused to meet in-person (even with double-masks, six feet apart), and so I eventually had to do it over the phone (which felt awful - like I was back in high school). While on the phone, she immediately claimed I was heartless for breaking up with her days after a friend of her younger brother's had died. I did know that there had been a death - her younger brother's friend and classmate - but intuitively in my conversations with her I was not aware that this had hit close to the home for the entire family. I asked for details in days past, and R actively told me that she did not think it was appropriate to share details with me, so we did not talk about it further and I did not pry. I had not honestly gotten the impression that this was more than a person the family had known / the brother's friend and were vaguely sad about. During that accusation of being heartless, she described the gory details to me about this decedent 13-year-old's tragic suicide and how the family was going to essentially have a grieving session that night - and impliedly I was sending a broken-up daughter back to that family. That made me feel horrible. Obviously, if a family member had passed away, I would not have ended the relationship for some time out of respect/care for R. My therapist said describing the gory details of a child's suicide and blaming me for being heartless after her previously withholding that information was manipulative. Still, I profusely apologized and felt terrible. In hindsight, I wonder if it was an exaggeration, but either way I wish that would have gone down differently. As the phone conversation went on, R accused me of being unfaithful/cheating, which wasn't true. She said also that I always messaged other women when she was over, which was not true (that would be rude - I don't do that and I'm not sure where she got that). She criticized me for my choice of friends and therapist. She further claimed I had bad timing for breaking up around my birthday/holidays. Ok, that one was probably true, seeing as we broke up on April Fools' Day. (ok so she has a point there). Anyway. Eventually the long conversation was over. We returned items a few weeks later. It was cold, but perhaps to be expected. A few weeks afterward, without using my name, she called me a narcissist and awful boyfriend on Facebook. That really hurt. My whole extended family saw it. She did not respond to me confronting her about it - she probably has me set to “ignore” on everything. At least the family was good-natured about it. My grandpa, jokingly: "well, we know you are a narcissist, but why is she posting about it!!" Thanks, Grandpa, lol. It has now been almost three months since the break-up. Admittedly, though I miss her and the relationship sometimes (and, those experiences hold a place in my heart: we had history spanning over two years), I think all signs before the break-up and especially afterward point to that I made the right decision. Moving Forward – Dates & Misc. It has been approximately three months since the break-up. I do not feel like I am clinging onto my past relationship: I had tossed and turned for months prior to breaking up. I do not feel heartbroken: I feel like I made the right decision. However, there is now an empty void where love and the satisfaction of being a good, faithful partner used to be. Dates So Far. I have not yet found a partner, but I've so far gone on dates with two different people. An attractive acquaintance and I had been having more conversations. She eventually asked me to go running with her at a local trail while she biked alongside. It was fun - she was nice, but she mentioned that she wanted kids and I didn't feel a major spark or connection. So, the conversations have mostly fizzled out. Recently, out of the blue, a love interest, call her K, asked me out to brunch. It sounded like a date and I assumed she and her boyfriend had broken up (not listed on Facebook, etc.). We've seemingly almost always had mutual interest in one another but have been single at different times (and I know previously she mentioned she might want to adopt but not have kids - bingo). We also competed in ballroom dance together and we are quite good. I like her quite a lot. I was excited for the date. I arrived. Not to be rude, but while I do and always have found her very attractive, it looked like she didn't put in any effort to get ready, while I definitely had. Shortly after arriving, she mentioned that she is still dating her boyfriend. Oof. The resulting conversations were… superficial? We talked about ostensibly deep topics, but it still felt superficial - maybe on account of me feeling guarded that she was still dating someone. She mentioned that her boyfriend and her fight a lot, so while I was puzzled why she asked me to brunch, maybe it was (1) just a friendly meet-up, (2) an ego-boost because her relationship isn't going well, or (3) a low-interest or testing the waters meet-up. I sent a polite “thanks for brunch – it was nice seeing you :)” text shortly after getting back home. She was evasive/non-responsive. Who knows what that was about - kind of confusing. It makes me think maybe she thought the conversation was superficial or forced, too. Whatever it was, I know I should not pursue her, because she is in a relationship. Still, that was a major let-down. FWB. I am in a non-public FWB with someone. We see each other occasionally – maybe once every two weeks. She is also in professional school. She's a great person, but at the moment we both only want to be friends and occasionally hook up because our sexual interests coincide. I would rather be in a relationship with someone, so it's just a meantime thing. Limits to Meeting New People & Dating Apps. Last, I want to meet people, but (1) the hopefully subsiding pandemic still limits available social events (esp. at my University (law school): speaking candidly, Zoom does not bring out my good side. I do not think I will make a connection over Zoom), and (2) dating apps, including this time around, seemingly just do not work for me. Though I feel I am charming in person, I just don't have that ~~~~pizzazz~~~~ that the men who get matches seem to have. So, if I can't get matches, I do not get dates. If I do not get dates, I do not get to be charming in person. Then I do not make that possible connection. Worries. I am especially concerned given the fact that at this time, I do not want to have biological children. I am worried that that severely narrows my potential dating pool by a lot. I would need to date someone with whom not only do I feel a connection or spark, but also one who is (1) undecided/open to children or (2) also does not want children. ____ I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this. I am lonely and worried about the future. Perhaps, all these topics are in the back of my mind. Maybe just shouting at the void was good for me, or maybe someone might have an insight or some words of encouragement. Thanks for reading. 🙂
  2. I posted a previous question on here a few months ago. Shortly after, my boyfriend (28) and I (34F) had an argument because the level of his respect and commitment to our relationship deteriorated significantly even just in the past few weeks. we took a break but it just seemed like he was using his space to drink more -So I ended up breakup up with him and I told him he needed to try and work on himself because the things that were happening were hurting us both. He agreed and said he would finally get help (he's been depressed and has had PTSD for over a year), and that he wanted to remain friends because he didnt want to lose me and he cares about me so much. I agreed. I have an immense amount of compassion for him because I KNOW this is not who he is. The feelings he has about this past situation that happened to him are controlling his life and he even admittedly will tell me that if those things didnt happen to him, that EVERYTHING would be different with us. And that he knows its why his life is the way it is. Well, he continued to call me everyday - I never reached out to him first - he asked to hangout, which we did. It seemed like he had been making some positive changes - like not drinking as much. But he still wasn't ready to go to therapy or a doctor. Well, this last time that we hung out we were out with some friends and a guy came and started chatting with me - to which my ex came up and said " dude that's my girlfriend". We ended up staying the night together because he didnt want to be at my place alone that night (it was storming). But in the morning it felt like things changed again. I asked him what he was feeling about the space and about us (it had been over a month so I thought it was ok for a check in). And he said, well it feels like its dragging on. And I said do you want to start working on things, to which he said "I don't know what we'd be working on". He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him, because I would get upset if he didnt call me one night or if he commented on another girls looks, or wondered where he was going. But then why does he keep calling, why does he keep pursing me? Why does he still want to be friends? Can depression make you feel like you've fallen out of love? I KNOW that he loved me, and even just a few weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to try and get better so we could be together. He also says that he just feels cold and numb. He can't find joy in anything and he has so much anger about previous events (not with me but back in his hometown). Im having a hard time understanding WHY. Has anybody had previous experiences that might be similar with a depressed partner?
  3. If this is posted in the wrong way or in the wrong section im sorry, just made this account. BACKROUND This is my first time ever going to the internet for advise from strangers but I feel I am in such a position that I don't really have anyone else to turn too for advice. Will leave a TLDR at the bottom if this gets really long. So about 4 months ago I started going out with this girl I had met on bumble, we had just both very recently exited relationships mine a 3 year LDR that ended cuz of covid, and her a 9 month local relationship. Both where the longest relationships each of us had ever had. When we started dating at first things where very slow and casual, it was clear she was still healing from her last relationship so I made every effort to make sure she always felt comfortable and never pressured. {{For a little back round on her she is 18 just finished highschool, has a bit of a precarious past with lots of failed past relationships and a bit of a self described "Hoe-phase" (her words not mine). Her last relationship fell apart because she had cheated on him in the first 2 months of their relationship and at 9 months he just called her over randomly to call it quites.}} THE BREAK UP (most important) Anyways getting back on track, in the beginning she was talking about her ex all the time but it slowly lessened until lately she barely mentions him at all. We had a really good time together, she was always coming over to my house, we went on a ton of fun dates, and about 2.5 months in during sex she told me that she loved me. We had a discussion about us at that point and the understanding was we where exclusive but she still did not consider me her boyfriend officially though she would casually offhand call me it sometimes. She was always telling me how much she didn't deserve me, how no guy had ever treated her with so much compassion and apparently I was the only guy she could fall asleep in the arms of. Things where going great we had plans to go to Joshua tree in June and Hawaii in July. Last week though she came over one night was cuddling me and randomly told me she wanted to break up. When i asked why she said "I went into my last relationship with a broken leg after cheating in the beginning and I don't want to do that again. Right now I don't know if Im at a party or something and a hot guy hits on me if I would say no. I had no time after I broke up with my ex to have space and time to heal. I don't know what will be going on in my life in the immediate future but I need some time to find myself again. I want to come back to you in the future though. I want to be with you and do all the things we talked about but not until I know i can commit to you. Im not doing this to just go out and date/*** though Im doing this for us so that I can be ready for you one day. Im not even going back on bumble and i don't even know if ill sleep with anyone. I dont want you to sit around and wait for me. But remember, you'r not losing me, Im doing this not just for me but for you too, so we can be together in the future." After that she told me she still wanted to spend time with me/have sex and still wants to go on the trips that we had planned but right now she needs some space and time to heal and that she didn't want me to tell anyone we had broken up and she wasn't going to tell her friends/family we had broken up. The next morning she texted me "This is as hard for me as it is for you even if you don't believe me. I am hopeful to come back to you in the future. I don't wanna just cut you off from my life thats not what im trying to do, and I think you know that. Even if I don't love you fully with my heart right now I do love you and I want to love you with my full heart and that is why I am doing this. Im sorry Im so messed up and Im sorry even have to do this and put you through this but I know in the end it'll be best for me and our relationship. I will definitely not make it weird and come over whenever I can but right now I need to heal and I need space. I haven't told my mom or anyone anything, its our business and no one else's and its something we are going through together." WHY IM CONFUSED So all in all this situation has me very confused, maybe its obvious and I'm just missing it completely because of my own emotions and anxiety running wild. She invited me to dinner with her family the next day. The day after that she went for bowling and dinner with my friends and I and when she was with me she was super affectionate and loving constantly wanting my attention, giving me hugs kisses etc. Acting as though nothing had happened (at least in person). Our communication has dropped off a bit since the breakup as i respected her request for space but the mood when we do talk hasn't drastically changed. I haven't really reached out to her in the last 2 days. I don't know if her reasons for keeping me around are truthful, i trust her i just have anxiety with the whole situation that is hurting that trust. I dont understand why she wouldnt want us to tell anyone around us we have broken up. I dont understand why she still wants to go on trips, spend time with me, and act so loving and affectionate after us breaking up and her requesting space, I guess we'll see if it lasts. she went through so much effort to reassure me that this is for the both of us so that she can be with me on day. MY QUESTION I know there is no sure fire way to get a answer for this online from strangers in regards to someone else's inner feelings. The burning question I have inside me though is, is she truthful and serious with her intentions? And what can I do to get her back while still respecting her position. I do love this girl, while it is still fresh I really do. I asked her and she agreed to tell me if at any point she feels to herself she wants to commit to a path that doesnt involve me so that i could move on more easily. ill admit im not that type who can pursue more then 1 at a time, and in the current situation i feel like a may be stuck. Any general advise is appreciated. I know she has her flaws, at this point i dont know what we are but i still love her and want her back. TLDR; Girl I was dating for 4 months tells me she wants to break up so that she can have time to heal so she can commit to me in the future, still tells me that she loves me and that im not losing her. Not sure if i should believe her or if just my emotions are clouding my mind. Wants to keep the break up secret from family/friends and still wants to spend time together and go on previously planned trips.
  4. Hello everyone ! I met a girl on January, we filrted for months and then I confessed. She became my girlfriend and made it official. We agreed about a serious relationship. She told her family about me, everything was perfect. I was her first boyfriend. I asked her if was free this week to have a date but she said that she was sorry and something was planned. (okay, it happens) The thing is that, out of the blue, I received a message. She said that she had no space in her heart recently because of problems in her family. ( I knew that was not the reason and asked for more explanations). She said that she needs to follow her own pace and that if I wasn't respecting that we shouldn't be in that relationship. No problem, I always respected her rythm, several times in our relationship I gave her a lot of time to think about our situation and asked her how she felt about a lot of things. So, I offered her some time to think. She ignored my offer and then she proposed me a "friendship" because she "wanted to go back to friends". I couldn't see myself doing that after all the love words we said to each other. I think she got scared about all the new feelings she discovered in that new kind of relationship and wasn't sure about what she wanted. So, I told her that it was impossible after all this story. I thanked her for everything and I said It was better for me to move on. I refused her "friendship" even if I was hurt. She said "Okay thank you for everything too" (maybe she got confused and didn't expect that.). That idea was confirmed because 10 minutes later she asked if that meant that I will not keep in touch with her anymore. I said that going back and pretending that nothing happened was impossible for me and that she knew that a friendship will be weird after our story. If she really wanted our relationship to end, that was the end. Then, she sent a few messages that " she didn't know if I was going to read it", thanking me for everything I did, that it was very sad to end it but if I wanted to end it, she will accept it. ( I think she tried to act as a victim and reverse the situation even if she was the one who dumped me because she didn't want me as a boyfriend anymore.). She told me I had a beautiful heart and she was sure that I will find a nice girl not like her. I replied (I think it was a mistake). I wanted to make her realize that she decided to end it. I thanked her for everything too, I said she made me happy and gave me good memories. I told her that I didn't want it to end like this, that we could have had a beautiful story but if she only wanted me as a friend and nothing more, I'll accept it but I can't stay. I told her that I was sure that she'll meet some other nice friends. I wished her a beautiful life. She said " Thank you" and everything ended on this. We broke up 4 days ago and we had no contact at all from this day. Do you think I should keep the no contact or should I text her to have a real discussion after that ? Because everything happened so fast and I feel like we wanted to say more but we couldn't because of emotions. Thank you for reading !
  5. She says, she loves me as a partner, she loves being with me, she feels I am a perfect person and partner for her but she doesn't have intimate feelings for me. This is something she feels since couple years. We stopped goofing around in last march and kind of broke up but lived together since August. She feels, she should be able to love herself first to love someone else, so she needs time to do that. She is looking for an expert to know herself better and start working out on her body. In this week, she has asked me to not try to start a conversation. She would like not to be obliged to reply/call me when I want but talk to me when she wants. We have been talking a lot less now and I'm obsessing over her like crazy. I know the right thing to do is give her space, but it is so hard right now to distract myself to do something else. All I do the whole day is think about her, create fake scenarios which I know are stupid and be upset. She has helped me through tough times and I want to be there for her and move this relationship to safe zone however I can. So, I can't even imagine leaving her on the pretext of "it is not right for me". Please help. P.S - In March, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I have been tending to him. She is very supportive but expected her to be with me in this time (maybe I expect more). She did help me through very rough patches of life during last year and in general is a very lovely and caring person.
  6. Hi friends. My ex broke up with me last december. We had been lovers in a 12 months relationship, no abuse. It has been now 3+ months but I am still struggling with emotions from morning to around 4Pm[I sleep well though]. It is pattern. I can agree that I have now decided to do things that improve my career like taking courses that I couldn't take while in a relationship but any time before 4 PM I can fail and go back to bed. I have decided to stop all forms of rebound relationship & sex as I confused my temporary feeling with real healing and hence delaying any hope of moving on. When I stopped them, I felt worse again. I can't stop easily thinking about my ex and I do still occasionally cry. Is it normal for 1 year relationship breakup to take this long to heal? I have been in no contact for 30 days. I know I will eventually heal but it seems too much far. Thank you
  7. My gf and I have lived together for 3 years. I am 31, and she is 27. Two and a half weeks ago my gf came home from work (1hr away) to our apartment and sat me down and told me she needed to “unload”. She told me she was overwhelmed and doesn’t know what she is doing in life. She said she feels more validated at work and she looks forward to work more than coming home. She feels more confident there and she has been there about 2 years and just got a pay bump. They are giving her more responsibilities. She works as a register in the juvenile courts in her hometown. I didn’t realize how serious she was until she told me she was staying at her dad and stepmoms house for a day. A day turned into two days and so on. Usually after instances like this, she would worry about us and our relationship. This time it was different. Almost like she was ok with this wedge in our relationship and was not worried at all. This was alarming for me. I want to say her personality is VERY sweet. She cares more about others than herself. That is a big reason that attracts me to her. She has a heart of gold. She is an emotional person and doesn’t like confrontation. I want to give some background. I work for USPS. I come from a single parent home. My dad moved out when I was 11. He wasn’t a good father or husband. I am not an overly affectionate person, and I’ve been the type to not show many emotions. I’ve viewed it as weakness, because of the men in my life growing up. I’m working on this. She has a good mom and dad. They separated when she was a teen, but they both still care for her very much. We are very compatible, and conversation always flows. We make each other laugh and are interested in the same things. Before the pandemic we went out all the time. She loved me dearly and always wanted to be close to me. It even got to the point that I felt smothered in a way. I could tell this hurt her, but I think it was because of how we grew up. I would always tell her that I still love her deeply even if I needed some personal space at times. She would also take care of nearly all housekeeping duties. My jobs were to cook food every night, take out the trash, and clean the toilet. I realize now that I should’ve done more, especially on days I had off and she came home to see I didn’t do anything. She would only have about an hour and a half of time to relax after getting home because of her long drive to and from work. When we got into arguments, I would become defensive. I would close off, and she would say it feels like I don’t even care. I would never yell at her or call her names. I would need to be alone. I see fault in this and feel awful about it. I am studying my emotions and getting a better understanding of why I feel the way I do, as well as how to conquer them. I must view us as a team, and work through together. I feel like I am seeing a lot of flaws in myself, and my goal in life right now is to correct these flaws. My focus is to marry her and have children. She came home after a couple days on the weekend of the super bowl. We had a good night. I really worked on the flaws I saw in myself. I did all the housekeeping and plan on sticking to it. I can see how it would feel unappreciative and disrespectful for her. I have a better outlook on life now and feel better about myself through all this, even though I miss her dearly. That night we were intimate and it was very passionate. I felt like things were sparking again. The next day (super bowl), I made her breakfast and everything was good, until she told me she was going back to her dads the next day. My mood dropped. I respected her decision though. She stayed there for a couple more days but we still talked and texted. Her dad is a happy drunk, who doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. Her stepmom, on the other hand, is all about money and prestige. She wears the pants in her relationship so to speak. She also works with my gf in the same building but different office. I don’t really trust her. My gf a couple months ago told me she told her that a lawyer in her office had a crush on my gf. My gf is VERY against cheating, whether physical or emotional and brings it up even when watching movies. If a character cheats, she must comment. So I don’t think she would do that, but I didn’t forget. I myself have never even thought about talking to another woman in that way while with her. She came back over that Wednesday. We still had friendly conversation, but I felt like she didn’t want to be close to me this time. I made her the dinner she requested (Crunchwrap supreme), and I had a surprise treat for her later that night (edible cookie dough). She was sad that I have been so good to her over the last week because this is what she always wanted and my next gf may reap the benefits. I told her what my plan was for the future, how she was the centerpiece of it, and how I would make it happen. She told me she loved me, but has her fears and worried this is only me temporarily. The next day while I was working (she was at the apartment), she said she wanted to talk before she went back. I knew that she was going to end the relationship. I composed myself before walking in, and exchanged pleasantries with her like normal, sat down and said what’s up? She basically said she needs to find herself and repair a lot of damage that she has endured. She has felt like she has to walk on eggshells around me and has lost herself. I must say that I would get irritated over small things at times. I am aware of this. She told me she believes we should end it. She said she was very nervous about telling me this, and was crying. I was very gentle with her and told her it would be ok. I’ve really had a much more positive outlook on life since we’ve had this break. I’ve noticed my missteps. We embraced for almost 5 minutes, and I consoled her. I told her I’d like to be mature about this and remain friends and I’d always be there for her. She told me that she is afraid that she is making a decision she might regret, and that I am her true soulmate. I regret a lot of things, but I truly want her to be happy. She told me she didn’t expect me to handle it like I did, and she told me that in the end this we could get back together and be stronger because of it, “who knows?” I said. She told me she would continue to pay her half of rent until our lease runs out (2 1/2mo). She said she would come back over to visit and get more things in time. I was very accommodating and helped her get stuff around and into her car. Before she left, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and actually kissed me. It felt like she was leaving the door open. Later that night, she called me crying. She said she was really struggling because she was alone to think. I was short and didn’t have a whole lot to say. I told I’d always be there for her. After, I felt like there was still something there and we still love each other. The next day she apologized for calling. I told her it felt like something was still there. She told me she does see potential, but just isn’t sure. She needs time. Throughout this process, it has been very hard waiting for her to make a decision. I don’t want to move on if there is a chance, but also, I feel like I need to have no contact to heal if we aren’t together. I have been talking to her mom a decent amount throughout this. She calls me and is worried about us. She told me she loves me like a son, and has really helped me. She and my gf have been in a rough patch since her sisters cancer has just came back, and I’ve helped her through that. My gf closes off a bit about her sisters situation. Her mom is a very sweet lady as well, and I feel for her. I told my gf that I would like to make this work if she still sees a future, but if not, I can’t keep feeling this way waiting for her. She asked me questions about our future, such as how far I’d be willing to drive to work. Where we possibly could live. These are compromises I’m ready to make. We decided we would set up dates and take things slow, see how it goes and decide from there. That was acceptable for me. She would text and call me over the next couple days. I would wait for her to text me and allow her to control the pace for the most part. We really have good conversations. Two days ago we had an awful snowstorm, she texted me at work asking if I made it home yet because she was worried. She also would text hearts. This made me feel good and showed she still cared. That night, things started to heat up! We sexted and exchanged pics. I told her how perfect she looked and how hot she made me. She reciprocated. She told me she wanted to be close to me. That day her sister had surgery to remove something from her lung that possibly could be cancer. The surgery went well and they believed it was just scar tissue by the looks of it. But the next day they ran tests and it turns out that it was cancerous. I was worried for her, her mom, her sister, and her sisters family all day. My gf told me she texted her sister and felt a little bit better after. We talked that night and everything was good until something make her remember a fund raiser for her sisters cancer that I didn’t attend a few years ago. The conversation dropped off a bit. Later she texted me apologizing for bringing that up. I told her I’ve made mistakes in the past, and am disappointed in myself, and I was immature. I said I am doing my best moving forward and apologize. I felt awful. I told her I need her to know that’s not who I am anymore. She told me there are so many things she worries about and have been disappointed about. That she has felt alone for quite awhile, and she doesn’t know how to undo those feelings. She doesn’t know how to undo those feeling she’s has about herself. The next night she came over. We hugged and I started to cook dinner. I could tell there was just something off about her energy. She told me she was “antsy”. I sat her down and gave her a shoulder massage. After dinner we had the talk. She told me there are things that she doesn’t know if she can forgive and move on from. She feels like she has missed out on a lot of family time, especially in her sick sisters life because I wasn’t able to go to visit them with her, so she wouldn’t even go. (I worked on weekends) I was consoling her and told her we could make that work, but she must forgive me. Later that night, we were intimate, but it felt like she was holding back some. In the days after that, she was still texting me and calling me at night. The conversations were good, but we didn’t talk about our relationship. At this point, I’m in a decent amount of pain. I’m losing hope. It feels like she isn’t reciprocating as much as before. I decide to ignore her texts a bit early in the day. I did respond, but was short. Later she told me I acted differently today. I just played it off cool. The next morning, she was in bed and I asked her to send me pics. She did, but wasn’t asking for any return this time. I asked her to come over the next day. She said she didn’t know. She asked if I missed her and I told her I think about her all the time. I was starting to seriously doubt her loving me anymore. I felt like I must break off from her, because it was becoming too much to handle. I was having trouble eating and focusing. On the next call, I asked her what we were, and she said it feels like we’re just friends. I then told her that I didn’t give up on her like she asked, but I can’t wait anymore because my heart hurts. I cherish all the times, and care for her but I need time and space to heal. She cried. She told me she was sorry and she loves me, I couldn’t say it back. That was 4 days ago. The night after, she texted me saying how hard it has been for her not to talk to me and that she hopes I’m doing ok. I didn’t respond. Twenty minutes later she sent a picture of my dog sleeping and a depressed emoji. Two more days pass, and I am struggling, but doing my best. Going to the gym, hanging out with friends, reading, making plans. Last night she texts me saying, “It appears that you don’t want to say anything to me, but I’m going to need you to talk to me at some point because we will have to figure everything (apt / lease, items) out.” This morning I told her to let me know what works for her. She told me “Okay. Maybe we can just discuss / and catch up in person at the apartment?” I said that’s fine. She said cool with a smile emoji. So, I feel like it’s probably not best to see her anytime soon, but she does want to “catch up” already. I want to be with her, but I don’t know why she would say that and it probably doesn’t mean she wants to get back or even misses me. Maybe she just wants to heal her own guilt. Maybe she wants to see how I’m doing. I went NC after I let her go. I still miss her a lot, but I don’t want to feel like I do now for longer than I need to. TL;DR gf has been staying at parents house, broke up, regretted it, relationship was up in the air, I then ended it, now trying to NC
  8. so my ex boyfriend which whom we i was trying to get back together a few weeks back, but because i was being stubborn and taking baby steps and being a little unconsiderate at the moment he decided i was being toxic and not giving him peace, so he told me to give him some space and not call him back till he got over how i treated him. Now he has a new girlfriend and i texted him asked him is he was happy and he told me "i am in peace which is the most important to him" my respose was the next: i am not going to lie to you it hurts a lot and i dont know when its gonna stop hurting since i was the one that pushed him away, but if that is what he wants i am going to try my best to be happy for him. He than just thanked me and said " same for you" Was it wrong of me to text him when he knew i already knew he had a new girlfriend? like did i pushed him further away showing how hurt i was?
  9. Sorry for this being so long last month my now (32m) Ex-girlfriend (30F) ended it with me, just a month shy of our 1 year on what was fairly amicable terms, she ended it with me because of the stuff going on in her life, an Ailing father (pancreatic cancer), her new job and other stressors in life. We had been friends prior for about roughly 4 years not close friends but gaming buddies (d&d nerds) and I found out that my buddies wife had been planning the set up for about that time she was just waiting for her to leave her toxic ex. So about two years later she decided to play cupid, and well here is my mess,We aligned on almost everything from our world views to life values, and even our damn hobbies, it literally felt like dating the female version of me. Her distance was something that I noticed back in October but I didn't do much to press the issue, then when her new job started back in December she all but fell off the face of the earth hardly contacting me, any conversations were short, the hangouts were just as short, it had gotten to the point where when we hung out the Monday before the break up, we had dinner and we we're kinda hanging out she was watching tik tok, and then asked me what was wrong, so I said, "I feel like you don't want to be in this relationship anymore" she first said she didn't know, some things were exchanged (nothing bad, and we were both emotionally charged) she was in absolute tears, we had agreed to not talk while she sorted out where she wanted to be in the relationship.we hugged she left, and I immediately regretted bringing it up and sent a panic text that morning retracting what I said. I called her on January 15th 4 days later, worst day of my life, I explained my faults and told her "I want this Relationship to continue, I know you have a lot of stuff going on and I want to be there with you to help support you" and "I will actively working my insecurities." She said "with everything going on right now I just don't have capacity for a relationship, I'm working on establishing new bonds with my mom and sister, and with what's going on with my dad and job I just have to much going on, right now I need to focus on my friends and family, and you need to focus on your stuff. This is going to take longer than a few months. If you find someone go be happy with them, and I don't want to give any false hope but maybe in the future...for now maybe we can be friends, I know we preached about communication and I admit I dropped the ball on that (she mentioned something about us being way to similar and feeding off of each other, when one is in a bad mood the other picks up on it and gets in a bad mood too and something about caring for past ex's but not having romantic feelings for them)" She then confirmed that it was a breakup and not a break told me that she wasn't trying to sound so cold but it was the only way to stop from crying. We said our goodbyes and then I heaped on the floor. Fast forward a bit almost a week later that next Friday I reached out to her with a pity text, and then went no contact. A few days after I was the one who ended up removing (not blocking) her from my socials and from my ps friends list it was also when I started to go to therapy to start healing. I still stalked her social media even though we were unfriended. Then we get to last Wednesday...my buddies wife (the one who actually set us up) said that my ex had been asking about me first the Thursday before she was asking how I was then that same Monday she asked about my job interview, this threw me for a loop and I lied to my friend telling her the information would just be for closure. Saturday the day before Valentine's day, I swallowed a huge lump and texted her not sure what I was looking for but thought I was in a good headspace (evidently not), asking how she was doing, and how life was going and told her there was no rush to respond or even if she wanted to. I honestly was not expecting a response at all. About an hour later she responded with "I'm alright...how are you?" I never in my life had such a knee jerk reaction to that response but I said I'm well and glad she is doing good. She said "that's awesome... I'm glad" and I just left it at that not daring to overstep. Now I feel like I went from making progress to being back at square one. Which makes me think all the mindfulness and everything thing else was all for nothing...It doesn't help that I have anxious attachment which I'm actively focusing on overcoming.
  10. So, I (20 F) have been in a relationship for 4 years now and from the last 2 years its been a long distance relationship. My partner(20 M) is in the military and is undergoing training from the last 2 years and he has more 2 years of training left. So, as he is in his training period he is not allowed electronics which means he can't text or call or video call and he is also not allowed to come out of his training camp before the training camp is over. So, we just talk once a week for 10 mins as he gets to use the local phone for 10 mins once a week (but sometimes he calls once in two weeks and sometimes once in a month). And in the 2 years of LDR we met only twice. But , last year I met another guy and i felt attracted to him and wanted to date the other guy. But, it did not work out with the other guy so i cut full contact with him. I was really guilty so I confessed this to my military guy and he forgave me and said lets move on. But, currently I feel attracted to another guy but I do not want to do the same mistake again so I avoid talking to him. But now I feel like I want to breakup. I feel i just can't handle this anymore. Everything has changed from before. I was more happier before and now I just cry most of the times. Even after his training is over there is only a 10% chance we would be in the same city. (because our careers are different). So, it may be a long distance for many more years. I have seen that in military life girls have to be housewives most of the times and give up their careers or they have to be a single mother because the husband is far from home. And I don't want such a life. So, I am really confused I don't understand should I break up or not. I talked about all this to him he says that he doesn't want to break up, he says that I don't have to give up my career and dreams. He says it is his gut feeling everything will work out. (I feel he says all this so that I don't leave him). So, i am really confused if i should breakup because i feel i may regret it as he is a really great guy and he is like my best friend he cares a lot for me and really respects me, I sometimes feel I may not find someone like him. Any advice or experience you can share would be helpful 🙂
  11. I (M35) have been talking with this woman (32) since last December and we have met once (date went great). Our conversation have been extremely deep and we do have common values as well as goals in life. She is kind and smart but very, very emotionally sensitive and introvert. She also has tendency to "withdraw" every now and then. After our last date, we already made initial plans for another date. However, I noticed she started to flake - not responding to messages quickly and sometimes even left messages to unread. After a few days, my anxiety got a better off me and I called her out. She said she has not felt "natural urges" to keep in touch and make dating plans. I kinda felt bad and in a heat of the moment I said we might be better off qutting things. She said she respected this and agreed. Now after reflecting all of this, I´m starting to get second thoughts. I have started to think that I should have just given her more space and not push her. I´m starting to feel like I should contact her and apologize for pushing things. I miss her terribly and usually I do not go after exes, especially if we are just in a dating phase but we did have great emotional connection which makes me sad about this situation. Basically I am asking for advice what to do - reach her out or move on?
  12. Hello all, Background: I have a 5 year old son who is my adopted son. When he was born I thought he was mine and I coparented for 3 years. During that 3rd year I got a DNA test done out of curiosity. He was not mine, but I love him too much to abandon him. Hes my son and I want to be in his life. 19 days ago my ex dumped me out of the blue with her reasoning being because "she doesnt want to be a step mom to a child thats not mine." We dated for 10 months, its not that long but for me I was ready to marry her. I was going to propose to her in May before my graduation. I have a ring and everything and this is blowing my mind right now. I cry everyday on the thought of her. My ex, has known about my son from day 1. We have had mulitple conversations about how my son would fit in our life. We discussed if he might live with us if I wanted a better life for him. We even dicussed how she felt and what she didnt like it but respected I was still in his life. Thats why this doesnt make sense to me. A week before she dumped me, she meet my son for first time which she says caused her to rethink the situation and what she wants. First, my ex deserves whatever she wants in life. its her life. I will not self impose my beliefs or wants for her. Her happiness is her own. If she doesnt want to be with a man with a child. Thats her right but my issue with this is how can these issue pop up 10 months LATER. We spoke everyday. We talked everyday. We spent so much time together. She old me she'd never leave me a week before she dumped me. She said I was her best friend all the time. She told me I was her soul mate and that our souls will always find each other in past lives. She told me all the time how I was the sweetest caring man in the world and how she was so lucky to have me and that I was everything she ever wanted in a man. How could someone who I trusted and loved abandon me so quickly. If she never wanted to date a man with a child why let it go 10 months with me thinking I was going to spend my life with her. We had talked of marriage. We talked about kids. We talked about moving in together this summer and start our life together. The day before this all started she kissed me and told me she loved me and was all over me. I am just thrown in a maze of emotions right now. Why tell me shes going to have my children and were going to raise them to be amazing kids but leave? Why subject me with all the love and support and encouragement I ever recieved in a relationship and then be gone like nothing happened? I know I should move on. I know its the best thing for me but this is the first connection I ever had with a woman. The first time I ever wanted to marry a woman. I told her I wanted to go to the court house in August 2020 and she said she was ready but we didnt because I decided she deserved a bigger wedding. It was my fault we didnt get married ove summer. She was ready to marry me in August. How can she just leave me like this right now? The day before she broke up with me she sends a text first thing in morning stating "I cringe every time you mention your son." She goes on to say how she would be mean to my son. She would get into fights with her his mom. She even said "I dont know if I'll ever be able to love your son". Last thing she said "that day was shes just letting me know how she feels. Shes not breaking up with me". She states shes has abandoment issues because her dad left her before she was born and she doesnt want me to abandon her or make her feel unimportant because of my son. I would have never dont that to her. I would do anything to be with her! I would never put my son over her. I know in marriage wife comes first. I would give my last dollar or cut off my leg for her. I didnt get my son plenty of times bcause I was spending time with her bc I was focused on creating a connection and bond for marriage. I dont understand why she didnt even want to work on this issue. We could grown and worked thru these issues she had. She even stated before that shes broken up with dudes for no reason. That she always causes the break up. That she leaves bc shes scared in relationships bc she doesnt feel worthy enough. But We could have gone to therapy about her feelings and these issues, but she just left me with the coldest and meanest face I have ever seen her give to me. I was so hurt. When she dumped me she said "If I asked you choose *blank* or me who do you pick? " I said Im not picking anyone over anyone. But Im not abandoning him. Hes my son. I love him. I still pick you bc I love you. You are always be first to me though. "Well you made your choice. Its over. I deserve better then to be a step mom..." when she said that I started to cry. Last thing she said to me was, "Dont block me just yet, my period still hasnt came." I lost it then. I hung up the facetime call. I started to crying more and instantly went to facebook to unfriend her. She had already unfriended me. She had planned on breaking up with me before I even got on facetime with her. I feel betrayed. All my trust and love I had in her is gone. I wanted a life with her and she didnt with me. I just feel so worthless right now. Any advice...Please. Thank you
  13. I'm new to this forum and hoping to get some guidance. I started seeing a guy a little over 2 months ago, we are both 27. We hit it off right away, and loved spending time together. When I had to go out of town, we would facetime nearly every day (most of the time he initiated) and he would make comments about how fast the time would go by and that he liked me. After about a month we slept together and it was great - we continued seeing each other. A couple of weeks ago I started to experience a bizarre pain issue in my face that turned out to be a root canal, and in trying to figure out the problem he even offered to go to a doctors appointment with me. This man was clearly very into me. Then, we had a date planned for last week and unfortunately both had terrible days at work so went into the date probably not in the best headspace. I know I wasn't - it was all I could do to keep it together, and he knew it. Without going into a novel-long explanation, due to some offhand comments he'd made in the past and on the date, lack of physical affection on the date which was unlike him combined with my vulnerability due to my rough day, I got a bit insecure about him wanting me sexually and brought it up to him later that night in hopes of getting a little reassurance. Instead, he completely shut down and said he's not sure what to say and couldn't even really look at me. I was totally taken aback because he had been such a wonderful communicator in all other instances. Since then we've chatted via text and over the phone a few times. Initially he said the shutdown was possibly caused by not feeling good enough growing up, and my raising concern about how he feels about me when he had thought everything was going so well tapped into that on an emotional level. I've explained that it was nothing to do with him and all to do with my crappy headspace that day, but despite that he's now spiraled and said he can't get out of his own head. He's not even exactly sure of what triggered this response in him, only that he did like me before and might still but isn't sure that he can feel the same excitement/passion now. It's very hard to wrap my head around because things were going so well, and this seemed like such a small thing that is easily moved on from. Apparently this has happened occasionally his whole life where something happens and a switch flips in him and the only thing that's helped is to isolate from the person or situation which is what he's doing now- saying he doesn't feel he can keep seeing me without feeling uncomfortable. I asked him if he's ever considered dealing with this kind of situation in another way other than isolating, and the answer was no. That said, he doesn't feel confident that he's making the right decision, but doesn't know how else to deal with the problem and doesn't know if trying to work through it another way will work, so just walking away seems to be the easiest option rather than try and move past it but realize he can't after a few more weeks (or realize that it's actually that we aren't a good fit for each other). He seems to think that this won't really be an issue in the future with other potential people he dates. It seems like there's a deeper issue here but i'm not exactly sure what it is and it doesn't seem like he does either. At this point i'm not even clear on what the problem was and he hasn't been able to pinpoint it either other than feeling anxiety about me now. I do wonder if it's because we were moving too fast, and my insecurity freaked him out - is there anything I could say that could help put him at ease if that is the case? I did suggest that slowing things down is an option but I have no idea if that resonated. Otherwise maybe it's some type of psychological issue (maybe a combo of both) that nothing I say could help. But regardless i'd love some advice on what to do or say that could help pull him back from the edge. Each time we've talked he's commented on how supportive I am, that i'm a good communicator, and/or that i've made him feel he should re-think things. If I were an outsider looking in i'd probably tell me to just cut my losses, but coming here to see if anyone has dealt with a similar scenario and if there's anything else I could say that might get through to him and diffuse the situation?
  14. Hey, so my (now) ex and I are both seniors in high school - we're both 18. Her mom was fighting brain cancer for a while, and suddenly her mom's health took a rapid decline and she passed away basically a month ago. Fast forward a week and a half after her mother's death, she invites me to smoke with her and her best friend and the day after that we hang out for around an hour after not seeing each other for a month. Fast forward another week and after Christmas she calls to break up with me. From what I remember she can't give me what I want and she can't have a boyfriend right now. I told her that we could just cut the labels and she doesn't have to put any effort into the relationship, but she said she wanted to break up. I then asked if we could be friends and she said "sure" (something to that effect maybe in the future: she just said she didn't know what's gonna happen in the future and she doesn't want to set any expectations. What I'm asking is this: what advice do you guys have for me? I care about her and she said she still cares about me. I've been doing no-contact since a little more than a week ago, after I sent her a text saying "i've come to terms with the breakup, but i wanna say somethin that I think its important to know. call me when you feel like it". I was gonna say that I care about her and that i just want her to know that I'm always gonna be here for her if she needs it. I didn't get a response and honestly i dont really care but i kinda feel like ass that I'm just ignoring her, I don't want to cut her out of my life and ignore her. I want her to know that I'm gonna be here for her as a friend if she needs it. Should I text her that, or should I keep on doing no contact? BTW she doesn't talk to basically any of her friends anymore, just her best friend and one or 2 others.
  15. How do I explain. I met a mature male (early 50s) and I am a divorced female in my (mid 40s) 10 months ago. When we first met, he would say all the right things, compliments on how beautiful i am and how I am the perfect woman. He is very awkward when it comes to women yet he seemed to have confidence when we first met. He told me that he is extremely insecure and would never allow us to take photos because he did not like pictures of himself. About 3 weeks in to meeting me, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He had separated from his spouse at that time a year prior to meeting him so I figured he was ready to be in a relationship, as before me he was playing field and dating women without commitment. About 2 months in, it became evident that his ' i have never been able to communicate or express his feelings" was a real thing. He grew up in a home where there was none of that, men were strong and avoided talking about their feelings and he is also not the complimenting type. He was that way initially because that is what you do when you first meet someone, then it stopped. It caused great issues for me and the confident person I once was started to have insecurity issues constantly over thinking, over analyzing and trying to pick his brain. To pick someone's brain like that, it did not go well. I was told to stop fishing, that i didn't trust him and for him trust was important. That he doesn't know how he feels, that he has issues he needs to deal with (I was told his past relationships affected him) 10 month later he has never once tried to work on his issues and refuses to go to a counselor because he has a hard time with that "crap". About 4 months in after I had a complete breakdown he told me that he knew he needed to talk to me because he didn't want a relationship but would continue to see each other and essentially we do the same things as couples do but not in a relationship. His definition of a relationship is the "whole hog" whatever that means. I will admit that prior to this happening I had questioned him about some things that I knew based on discrepancies, he was not being truthful. These things happened before me, but to me character is everything and I looked at his old cell phone and found all the messages and evidence to support my suspicions and confronted him. He was irate that I invaded his personal space and denied it until I told him what I had done. He admitted it and said if he would have told me I would have ran a mile. I likely would have. He was so caught up in his lies to me he couldn't tell me the truth before. We ended up having a talk and stayed together but he couldn't get past what I had done. So later on he no longer wanted a relationship and said part of it was due to issues and that he doesn't know how he feels, he cares and feels something but doesn't know what and that "only time will tell". I kept feeling insecure and each time I would try to get him to talk he would get frustrated and say that we are just going in circles and clearly i am not happy and he can't give me what i want and he knew exactly what I wanted and needed but could not show affection or compliment. He said he shows it in his own way. We had a short break and after an absence he came back with asking me if I would consider seeing each other and that please stop asking him if there are other women, he said there has never been and I need to trust him and why would he need anyone else. I also asked if he could put it past him on me looking through his phone and he said yes. I kept my promise and we resumed. He asked me if I would be happy how things were and I said well no we both need to work on thing and make an effort. He made no effort..he is a recluse and likes his alone time and we would get together on weekends and one night during the week which was fine but it was always at his place as he said my tv was not big enough. When I would go over he would never initiate a hug or kiss unless I did. I knew he was not complimentary guy but for someone who said he loves to kiss, he would never make the effort and when I would bring up feelings he would say I am overthinking or too sensitive and it's not like that. I always heard that, its not like that and that I don't know how feels and not to try to know So just a few days ago I had an emotional breakdown and said maybe I need to walk away. He said that he does not see a future with me but couldn't give me the reasons why. He again said he needs to work on himself and said I need to as well. When I said that absences can make someone realize their true feelings or perhaps not he said maybe, we will see. I blocked him from social media and he knew right away I had, so clearly he went to look at my profile and seen what I had done. My heart is breaking and I can't help but feel its because he just doesn't want me. I have done everything and put so much in to it. He said he has always appreciated that and it hasn't gone unnoticed. I was told he has issues in every relationship. He said to me that don't think he doesnt appreciate me and that he does have thoughts even tho he doesn't say it. Until he makes the effort to work on his issues this behavior will continue. He wanted to reconnect on social media so I agreed which makes me feel like he is just needing time to sort out what he feels. Part of me feels that he just said he sees no future because he is confused. I am aware that if a man has feelings for you that he will show you in his actions. I think he is just too messed up with himself to be able to do that and I feel that he isn't saying goodbye for good. What should I do? I feel sad for him and I am praying that he gets clarity with himself and his issues. I want to focus on me now and get strong again. Is it possible for someone like this to realize their feelings for you or am I kidding myself and he actually doesn't have any. His lack of communication has shown me that he has thoughts of wanting to talk to me but never brings it up first until I have a meltdown. Yet he has always said to me, if I was not interested in you, you would know. He has stayed with me this long that I feel he is just saying this out of confusion not with a clear head. He said he tried to stop seeing twice but it never happened.
  16. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday because he’s going through some personal problems with his family to do with his 3 close family members dying within the space of a few months. he said he wanted to be friends but this is my first heartbreak and the love that was and still is there is unexplainable. I’m not sure of what to do. we have been through a lot of drama worse than this one and still came out strong. I can see he’s hurting over something but he doesn’t want to talk about it but I still want to be there for him because I still love and care for him. do I text him and let him know that I’ll give him the space he needs but I will check up on him (because I’m worried about his mental health and when we broke up it didn’t feel like we were both on the same page) or leave it?
  17. Me and boyfriend have been together for nearly a year and it’s a long distance relationship. Obviously it’s been really tough but somehow we managed to go through our challenges strongly. recently we had a little arguement because he thought something was happening between me and this one guy but that wasn’t the case. then he texted me out of the blue that he wanted to just be friends. We went back and forth and finally we went on call to talk things through. On the call he told me he was going through some really deep personal issues (I’m assuming grieving because he’s been grieving recently) and that he isn’t in the mindset to be in a relationship. Throughout the call he felt that I wanted to go on the call to keep the relationship but I think he realised that wasn’t the case. The last time we spoke he told me he still loves me and he was going to miss me a lot but that he didn’t want me to wait for him? I’m assuming that means when he feels more prepared he would want the relationship again? So what do I do from now on? Check on him every now and then?
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