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About Me

  1. I have dealt with anxiety off and on for about 30 years (probably more, except I used to call it "stressing out"). Do those of you who experience anxiety find that it increases and decreases sometimes multiple times per day, even sometimes minute to minute? I am sitting in front of my computer attending a virtual training class, I felt OK, then out of nowhere I started feeling that familiar feeling where I can sense the anxiety creeping up. And sometimes it just slams me unexpectedly. Is this "normal" for anxiety sufferers?
  2. My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 13. Our relationship has always been one of strong friendship, love and occasional intimacy; neither of us have ever had a big sex drive, outside of the first year or so of our relationship. We've had several in depth chats about our relationship since the start of the year and basically she's admitted to me that she's no longer in love with or physically attracted to me, but loves me dearly, see's me as her best friend, still wants to stay together and occasionally share intimate moments. Upon reflection this discussion is something we've actually been skirting around for years. We both agree that we want to stay together and make the marriage work in our own unique way, remaining best friends with occasional benefits. Whilst I stand by our decision, I'm still 'in love' with my wife and I'm very much sexually attracted to her. I fear losing her and these thoughts are starting to consume me. Throughout COVID, my wife has formed new friendships via a fan blog and in all honesty at times speaking in the chat has consumed her life, there were even times when she was staying up nearly all night just so she didn't miss out on anything. I suppose on some level I feel jealous that she is focusing her time in this chat, but what I have noticed is that she has had a sort of sexual awakening; they discuss everything, nothing is off limits, even talking about their sex lives, the fact some of them cheat and are looking for something new etc. There is a lot more to this actually and I could type for hours, but I do feel that my wife is starting to think a little differently about things; she's already admitted to me that she regrets not having a more promiscuous youth and has started discussions and told me things over the past couple of weeks that have made me ponder things. I also have a habit of not having a filter and responding with the first thing that comes into my head, which causes issues and results in something that should have been a brief flippant chat to a 3 day overthought marriage counselling session. I want to add that we both trust each other implicitly, we both have traditional values and categorically would never do anything with anyone else behind each others back, that would never be a consideration. We've always said that if our marriage ever reached that point, then we'd have a conversation, reevaluate and take things from there. So I KNOW she would never do anything, but I suppose I have serious fear that is something which is on the horizon. We have talked loads over the past couple of weeks, but I have a habit of going over and over the same information until it falls into place (I have mild autism), whereas my wife has processed this already and is starting to get frustrated and uninterested in my constant asking of questions etc. She sufferes from anxiety and depression herself, so this isn't really helping her personal situation. I suppose I'm just hoping to get things off my chest and seek some guidance, I don't have many 'close' friends and I certainly wouldn't discuss this with them; I am very traditional and don't want people knowing my personal business. I have made arrangements to see a counselor, but I can't see her until 19th July and I need to have some release before then, otherwise I go mad.
  3. Hi! I've been going out with this great girl and after last night I worried that I messed up our chemistry. We had a great third date at the end of last week where we kissed before we left. Last night she invited me over for dinner and we went on a hike. During the hike we talked and had a great time, but I wasn't feeling well (cramps) and I was so focused on how I was feeling I didn't initiate another kiss and the date just ended on a hug. I did apologize for not feeling well but she didn't really mention it in the return text. I guess I'm overthinking because I also feel like she could have kissed me if she wanted to and I wanted her to but we didn't make it happen. but I definitely don't want to just be friends. We are planning on going hiking next week and I want to try and reset, am I overthinking this whole situation or do I need to just step up my game and make it explicit that I like her romantically? Any and all advice welcome, thank you
  4. So my husband I have been married for over 13 yrs, and we just finally finished growing our family (had the amount of kids we wanted), and now I think (?) it's finally time for me to think about the future, not that I haven't been, it's just that I've been so incredibly sleep deprived or wrapped up in parenting that it's kind of been on the back burner... literally the last thing on my mind. I just had our 4th baby almost 8 months ago, and with all the COVID stuff, it's been hard, but not undoable. I don't have any help with the baby or managing my kids, outside of my husband (and he does help!), but he also works and sometimes is required to work overtime... so there were literally days with 15 hours of me being with the kids all alone, not having any break. The sleep deprivation was unlike anything I've experienced before. It's been insanely hard, but thank God we've gotten through it ok. Baby still isn't sleeping through the night, sometimes will wake up as much as 5 times (!!) but it *should* get better, I mean he's our 4th so I know how this goes... it eventually gets a little easier. It's so hilarious to us that we wanted 4 so badly, and now that we've added that 4th baby, it actually feels like we suddenly have 10 kids! LOL We have moments where we look at each other and laugh and are like, "What the HELL were we thinking?!?!" It always seems like multiple kids are needing something done - ALL at the same time! And there's only two of us, so even when he IS here, it's just insane! I used to have an anxiety problem, and unfortunately even though it was gone for years due to just managing it well, it's come back full force with the post partum hormones plus trying to stay on top of everyone's needs. I don't really take care of myself as well, but it's kind of necessisary right now because kids' needs sometimes need to be met immediately (food/potty issues, diapers). I don't want to be put on meds for anxiety ... So it's kind of awful trying to see if I can self-manage again, and yet not having any help with the baby due to the COVID restrictions (even my parents are terrified because my husband is constantly potentially exposed). Self-managing anxiety when you're doing everything constantly is hard. It's hard to even write this journal and I've been interrupted several times LOL!!! If anyone has any ideas on trying to find a life balance with kids, after you've maybe lost yourself some (or a lot probably lol) that would be so appreciated. I do feel like I've lost myself a bit. But I barely even have time to go to the restroom (and showers are even harder to come by LOL). How can you find time for hobbies again, when I can barely even use the restroom Maybe I need to accept now just isnt the time?
  5. I really like this girl that I work with and we’ve been on a few dates. I’m 17 f and shes 19 f. We both have never dated anyone else or even had our first kiss. I was the one to ask her out and things have been going good, I know she’s interested in me, but she’s just so damn anxious. I know it’s not her fault but I have anxiety issues too and things are just not progressing because of this. I made the leap and hugged her, but I can’t make a move beyond that. I thought she may be opposed to affection so we had a conversation about boundaries and she assured me that I wouldn’t make her uncomfortable with anything. The most affectionate thing we’ve done is hug and we didn’t even do that until our 3rd date. I just don’t know how to get her to stop being so nervous. She keep apologizing for “being awkward” and I keep reassuring her but she never calms down at all. She literally just left my house less than an hour ago, I initiated a hug before she left, and it was a normal hug, but she’s so anxious that she thought she messed it up somehow. After we hugged, she said,”sorry Im so awkward.” What do I do? She’s technically the “boy” in the relationship, and I don’t want to overstep. I hate the idea of taking the more dominant role, and I really don’t want to be the one leading the pace. I need her to make the next move. She’s made it clear that she enjoys being the “man” in the relationship- so how do I make her comfortable enough to do that?
  6. Me and my girlfriend have been going through a rough patch at the moment due to me developing health anxiety and minor depression and it has really taken a toll on us but she stuck with me through it all, I noticed a distance in her and we discussed and sorted it all out and we were on the road to being happy again. Last night I had an opportunity to read her messages as I knew she'd been texting a guy she slept with a long time ago (I know I shouldn't have gone through her phone but I was drunk and my anxiety got the better of me) there were some flirty texts there and I noticed when she wasn't replying or talking to me she had been chatting away to this guy in massive paragraphs and cheeky flirty messages such as talking about what she was wearing to an Ann summers party and saying she wished she was with him when he mentioned he wished she was there. I brought it up to her and she said it meant nothing and that was the way her and this guy had always talked to eachother, she acknowledged it was flirty and apologised saying she would cut all contact with him to which I said I don't want her to do that as I don't want to be the reason she loses a friend. Since this happened she has told me she thought nothing of what was said and she loves me and wants to do anything to make it up to me that she can and that the shady buisness stops here or our relationship does. The question is do I forgive her, I understand why she was pushed away due to our relationship troubles but I thought we were getting better, I'm just a bit confused and need someone to advise me on if I should end it now or forgive her and move on, If I trust her when she says nothing was going to come out it and she will never do it again I open myself up to being a pushover and it happening again and in my current head state I dont think I can do this again, somebody please help
  7. So here's the situation; I and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. This year is our 3rd. Here's what transpired: My boyfriend has a private Instagram account. So evidently sometime last year around the summer, he followed or she requested to follow him. I'm not certain who followed who But I noticed that they had messaged each other. I need to provide more context first my boyfriend has a past, He used to be promiscuous with women, some case would have multiple girlfriends simultaneously. He used so many dating apps and in fact he followed a bunch of them on social media and has them on a messaging app. ( some of them he had s*x with or intended to.) and collected images with them and of them nude, Explained to me his goal used to be to try have intercourse with as many women as he could. He was transparent about a lot of his past but probably he may have not told me everything. He explains to me how natural he feels around me & how much he's changed and that he realized how immature & narcissistic he used to be. I want to believe him and he assures me who he is today isn't who he was back then and how grateful he was that he that wasn't the version of him I met. So far, he has demonstrated that in some respects & We are a devoted and joyful relationship and live together, I know he isn't sleeping around anymore. however, the thing that makes it troubling is he still hasn't deleted any of these women on social media or any messaging apps including an old long-time ex who still attempts to communicate with him and is clearly still attached to him. She apparently made some judgmental remarks on me and does this with every girl he's dated after her. He claims she has moved on but her actions speak otherwise. He ignores her now & If he has deleted any of these previous women it's a very small amount but I have yet to see that he has. He insists it's because there's so many or that he's lazy. I admit that I have really bad social anxiety which does affect my relationships sometimes. Despite that, it's in no way comparable to when I was significantly younger. Looking at how much I've grown I'm confident concerning who I am and how much I have changed. I'm trying to remain calm and not always assume the worst. Some of the roots I believe may about my past and the experiences I've had. So it's mostly for this reason that I am very hard to trust people. But I have begun to trust him after a certain point in our 1st year. There is an issue, however, for a while, my boyfriend frequently requests me to change certain ways about my look. For instance, he would keep suggesting me to dye my hair red due to the fact that he's into gingers. I told him that the shade he wanted didn't go well with my skin tone and that I didn't like it. Or keep nagging me to lift weights. Also by no means am I not unhealthy or unattractive physically. I'm a really skinny 4-foot girl with C-cup breasts. I try to walk and move around and we eat plenty of veggies and fruits. but nowadays, I've been busy studying lately and it's not been a priority or an interest to lift weights or have a strict workout routine but if I do it it'll be my choice in the future and I've told him this on a few occasions. To be entirely honest, him annoying me about it is making me lose any possible motivation to try it. He insists it's for my health but I don't believe that's the full reasoning behind it. I see him make commentary about women who work out and lift weights. As an example, he will say that a girl has a nice ass, and then if I ask him about my ass he'll say it's cute. Sounds to me like he's saying it to avoid hurting my feelings. Therefore, I am inclined to think he doesn't see me as good enough when he does all that. Surely, if the change is for the better & I'll consider it but I also want to feel the personal motivation and have the time to do these sorts of things. Not just to satisfy someone else. I strive to be my best self but I also wish he could understand my perspective on why I don't desire either right now. So this girl's account is private so I made an anonymous account, followed her, and I looked and saw he had liked 2 photos from her account. One is of her in a tight dress. Her ass is facing the camera and you can see her boobs which are huge. The other is of her doing squats. I don't want to be irrational but this did hurt me and I don't know how to process this. For some time now he hasn't been liking any women's photos but he then he liked hers all of a sudden. I didn't wanna bring it up and make a big deal about it. So just to see what exactly was going on. I'll admit I looked at his DMs She messaged him first. At approximately 8 at night The messages went something along these lines; Her: Hello Him : Heyy how are you feeling? Her: very well and you? Him: I feel good(says something about a book he's reading) she likes this message Her: Oh that's cool He then ask if she's in a certain branch and the military and she confirms that she is. She then asks his profession and he tells her. Her: Aww that's nice Him : Yes where do you live? She tells him she lives in a city in our state about 2-3 hours from us. Her: Where do you live? Him: (Our city name) We're not that far She says that they aren't very far but tells him that she has been away from home awhile Her: Though coming back to the states anytime soon. Him : Oh where are you now? She then tells him that's she's in some foreign country in the middle east. Now he didn't say anything else after this. I again noted that a lot of time had passed and nothing came of it. Though I didn't feel it appeared platonic based on the photos he had liked and how flirty he came across with the emojis and such. On Instagram, we send each other cute animals, so one day we were cuddling in bed and when he opened his DMs I saw it again. I asked who she was and his immediate response was that he ignored her. But It's clear he didn't and was becoming really defensive. I asked him to look me in eyes & please tell me the truth but he couldn't keep a straight face every time I asked. He said he was grinning cause he thought it was ridiculous. His reaction of course made me feel anxious and skeptical. Afterward, I discovered he deleted the messages. So my questions are 1. Why do you think he deleted them? 2. Do you believe I have any justification to feel suspicious about this situation? They don't know each other and the probable hood of them meeting may not happen but I can't help but at least be uncomfortable with him following and messaging girls like this. Especially if he's going to be checking them out like that. 3. How do I resolve the situation? I understand it may seem difficult to believe but I trust that he won't genuinely cheat on me. but girls hit on him all the time, So much that it began to truly get on my nerves after it occurred so frequently. They don't know me or anything. Though, He makes our relationship public and has photos of me and him everywhere. Most of them know we are together but don't comprehend nor care about boundaries. Plus these remarks he makes about my appearance don't help much either. I don't want to feel like this. I love him, He's a wonderful boyfriend. I don't imagine he isn't attracted to me but I want to discover a way to communicate that even though yes he is with me and I don't feel threatened, his comments and comparing me to other girls or repeatedly attempting to persuade me to do these things doesn't boost my self esteem nor my ability to believe he's fully satisfied with me. This is all especially hard given some of his interactions with women. I attempted to reflect and examine if I'm a hypocrite and do this too. But I never compare him like this to other men, I always tell him how handsome he looks. I don't try to pressure him to change his appearance to satisfy me, I may make a suggestion here and there like a shirt or something I think he'd like. But I don't make a big deal or constantly bring it up like him. I also receive messages sometimes that are flirty, I normally block them, ignore them or instruct them to get lost and that's the end of it. I showed him I have removed these sorts of men from my past and present that may be problematic and I don't have any exes still around. So I don't comprehend why he does and doesn't any of this. Any advice would be helpful, I think we may just need to communicate and I need to understand what he is thinking and feeling. How maybe it is from his perspective.
  8. My boyfriend (BF) (31) and I (23) have been in a relationship for 7 months and things are starting to get semi serious! I am debating moving in with him and getting a job in his town after grad school ends in May. He also wants to propose in August! This is a huge step for me, and I am getting a bit nervous about this because we had a very rocky start and I still get anxious about the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship. First, I want to mention the things that I love about him. I love his commitment to me. He has consistently been mentioning marriage to me and I haven't seen this in any the guys I have dated before me. His parents are also wonderful and I freaking love them. I also have full access to his phone (this is also a con lol) and for sure, he does not currently text anyone from his past or have weird things. We had such a rocky start in the beginning of our relationship that was both of our faults which center around his past. Here is some information about them because there are a lot of people in this story and I think it will get confusing: Exes: - G4 is a high school teacher who BF dated for half a year but broke up because she wasn't really interested in him. He started dating me about six months after their breakup. - G3 is a girl he dated for about a year starting in 2017. This was a long distance relationship. He was basically one step away from proposing to her right before they broke up. Apparently he texted and met up with G1 during his relationship with her as well. - G2 is a girl he dated in grad school. Apparently he really really liked her but then she left and went to a different grad school. -G1 was his first girlfriend and they've been friends for a while before that. Crushes: - FZ is a "friend" who basically friend zoned him but sort of lead him on all through grad school, and he openly admitted to having a crush on. Apparently everyone in his cohort said he was in love with her, and his friends refer to her as his "baggage." He basically lived with her all throughout grad school and did relationship-like things with her. She was also his "pseudo-girlfriend" when she was on breaks between boyfriends and basically kept him around so he could help her on homework. She got married to another guy, FZH, and she would call BF to take her side whenever they were having marital issues. She was basically his "female best friend" but it was pretty sketchy. -L is a girl that BF works with. BF and L got into a conversation about wanting to be friends with benefits earlier last year, but nothing ever came of it. -A is another girl that makes me feel weird about BF. BF went to college with A but nothing ever happened. She moved away and got a boyfriend who nobody really likes. However, there were multiple messages on BFs phone (before we started dating) to other people saying how he wished he had dated her, how lucky the man who is going to marry her is going to be, how he felt obligated not to support her in a relationship, etc. Briefly mentioned: - DS: BF matched with her on a dating app before I got together with him. - DM is a girl he was flirting with literally hours before we decided to become girlfriend and boyfriend. My situation: So the first relationship problem started with FZ. BF would always bring this girl up in pretty much every conversation we had. I was getting annoyed with it because it sounded like he was reminiscing on weird things that they did together. One example is he talked about the time when he picked a fight with a guy at a bar because he offended her. Another time he told me about the time he fell asleep on the couch with her and they woke up holding hands. And then he told me about her crazy ex and how he took her in when she finally got the nerve to break up with him. These stories would be told to me multiple times. I even started playing a game with myself to see how soon he would bring her up in a conversation. FZ then started to say weird things about our relationship. She called our relationship stupid, and when BF confronted her about it, she said that she was "neutral" to us being together and that she didn't have time yet to make up her mind if I was good enough for BF. She never said that she was happy for BF. Then, she started commenting and basically staking her ground on every social media post that BF made. It got even weirder when she started messaging me little things that she knew about him that I didn't know yet. I got upset about FZ and basically told BF that (1) I didn't want to hear about her in conversation again and (2) if he was going to be friends with her then he had to either get her to apologize/stop being disrespectful or just stop being friends with her altogether. BF agreed that she was being rude and not acting like a friend at all, and he blocked her everywhere and doesn't speak to her anymore. He didn't really confront her about it but she is out of the picture so I feel fine about it now. The next thing that happened was L. I noticed that he was texting L a lot, and he basically told me about how they discussed being friends with benefits in the past. I was uncomfortable and set the boundary that I didn't want them to hang out one on one and that they should text during the day. That went well until, whenever BF would talk about me, she would just completely ignore the comment and not reply until BF sent something with a different subject. I think that was a bit disrespectful to our relationship, and I told him that basically I wan't really comfortable with him talking to her at all given their history. At first he wasn't okay with the boundary, saying "I only talk to her because of work." (Not true since their texts are completely non work related) We decided to agree that they only communicate professionally through email, and that is working fine for both of us. I am very happy about BF respecting those boundaries with FZ and L. The next issue was that I started finding random things of G3s old stuff in his house. I guess BF was not very proactive about getting rid of her old stuff, but it hurt seeing her clothes, old receipts of him buying her stuff, her old bible, etc. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but I guess it kept slipping his mind. After reminding him to get rid of her stuff multiple times, this turned into me yelling at him and he finally threw out the stuff. A similar issue that followed from this is that he had a bunch of pictures on social media from exes that made me uncomfortable and that we agreed on him deleting, but then I felt like I had to nag him after that to actually go through with it. Another issue then came. I basically started noticing that he was sort of comparing me to his exes in passing. For example, he would tell me "you actually want to hang out with me, not like G4." Or he would say "we actually communicate. G2 was a communications major and she couldn't even communicate." Or he would say that he never thought about marriage until I came along (which ended up being untrue when I found out about him almost proposing to G3). He told me about DS and told me "I turned down a lawyer for you!!" He also would just mention his exes randomly when he talked a lot and that would get me upset. I was getting so much information, like about how he "messed around" with a girl on the bus in high school and how he had sex on the floor with an ex in her room so her parents wouldn't hear. I heard all about these girls, like how one was Catholic and he was prepared to have six kids with her and he basically told me he took one of his exes virginity. Again,I told him that I was uncomfortable with that, and now he is doing a pretty good job of keeping that under control. I think at this point I felt very overwhelmed because I had never seen so many issues with other girls pop up in my past relationships. BF did tell me that I could go through his phone any time, so I took that really REALLY far and snooped through all his messages from like, the past three years. This snooping happened multiple times and I told him every time I snooped. This is obviously wrong for me to do, and I got a bunch of information that I think I shouldn't know. I learned from the messages about DS and A. I also saw old messages he had with all of his girlfriends and it basically pieced together all the information that I had about them from his stories about them. I learned that BF had hardly any conflict with them and even TMI information like that he had unprotected sex with one of them (which doesn't really bother me, it just reminds me of a very detailed conversation he had saying that he wanted to do that with me where he described exactly what would happen and now my brain is like, wow, does he know from experience or??). I also learned that two months before we started dating, he messaged all of his exes trying to spark a conversation. So basically, every time I told him about snooping through his phone, I would get upset about the little things that I learned and this would upset him. I basically was getting so insecure whenever I read the messages that I craved his validation and I would interrogate him about his past in hopes that he told me something negative about his exes. The thing is, all his girls are very similar in looks and personality, and I don't fit that standard at all, so it was making me insecure since I was comparing myself to them. I eventually realized that what I was doing was wrong, and the interrogating has stopped on my end. So now, things have leveled out, but I still can't help feeling anxious all the time. My brain comes up with scenarios (like A breaking up with her boyfriend and moving to his town, then him creating an emotional connection with her and then emotionally cheating on me, or that we will do something that he did with an ex and it won't be as good) that make me feel like I'm going crazy. I have so much anxiety about things that I fear will happen in the future that its blinding my own judgement on whether I trust him or not. BF would never cheat on me but I fear that he does not process his past relationships and drags it into our relationship. I fear that he is not over his exes and that he is comparing me to them in his head. Now that it is coming closer to the point where I may be moving in with him, I am scared. Part of me feels that without him around, I would rather move to Florida and start a job in warmer weather. I am afraid that we won't work out and that I will be stuck in his town in Maryland for a few years before I can make another move. Am I suffering from retroactive jealousy? Am I suffering from really bad anxiety? Should I be with him if I don't fully trust him right now? Am I doing anything on my end to add to this feeling/ our problems? I feel so confused and would definitely like a third party opinion.
  9. I'm not really sure where to even begin, but I think I'm starting to get a drinking problem. I don't drink every day and I don't crave it, but I do go out for drinks at least once a week. See the thing is, I don't just have a few drinks. I drink so much that I am not in control of my actions and I do really stupid . It's like I just don't know when to stop and the amount of alcohol that I actually consume is ridiculously high and whenever I'm really drunk I always intentionally make bad decisions, especially with boys. I sleep around and I have gotten with people that I'm not even into at all which I would NEVER do if I was sober. It's like I turn into a completely different person and intentionally sabotage my own life. It's a lot for my friends to put up with too, I have almost ruined friendships in the past for the stupid things that I do when I am drunk. It's like I don't even consider their feelings which is nothing like how I actually am because my friends mean the world to me and I would do anything for them and would NEVER want to hurt or make anyone upset. Then I feel horrible the next day, not only with a hangover but with crippling anxiety because of the things that I did the night before. Even if I have a good night and didn't do anything stupid I still have anxiety the next day and don't even want to leave my bed.. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm not in control of myself because no matter how much I try to talk myself out of it I still go. And I can't go and not drink at all because then I feel like I can't have fun because I feel anxious in social situations and don't know what to talk about with people when I'm sober unless I'm really close with them.... If I don't stop soon I'm going to ruin my life. Problem number 2; a lot of the time I drink, I sleep around and/or kiss different boys. Sometimes even with guys that I'm not into at all and don't really want to but do it anyway. I've been single for about 4 years now and my last relationship was definitely not ideal and I was in a really really bad place when we were together. Now I struggle to connect with boys on an emotional level, but I still can get lonely and crave affection. It's like I get the affection that I need from these boys, it's literally like I do it just because I know I'm going to get kisses and cuddled all night... It's kind of pathetic. And even if I see these guys a few times and spend the entire day with them and hang out with them on other occasions, I never open up about myself. It's like I'm unintentionally holding back my personality to prevent becoming emotionally connected to them and them to me. I honestly feel like no matter how much time I spend with a guy in that way, they never actually end up getting to know me. And then I feel really ty about it afterwards when I get home, sometimes weeks because I feel cheap. This also gives me really bad anxiety and sometimes even panic attacks because I know that everyone would talk about me and let's be honest it's probably why so many of them are interested. Even when I KNOW I'm being sweet talked and it's all bull, it still makes me feel good. It's like I feed off it and I HATE it because I think so logically and I KNOW it's wrong. And even if I ever did learn to open up to a boy and let my guard down, they would probably never want me in that way because of my promiscuity. And the fact that I have sex with them straight away (I've heard that people have called me easy in the past) would also probably rule me out as girlfriend material 100%. Idk what to do
  10. 2019 wasn't the best of my life, alone and at peace today, doing my own stuff for quite some months. This is a 6 months update on how am coping with anxiety, getting things right with my life. A relationship which i felt was going to be best for me & her turned out to be a very bad mistake. It was a never to be a relationship in the end, something i really shouldn't have put myself into without verifying facts and knowing well the person am getting involved with. Boundaries were crossed, i lost respect for myself in the end. While getting through it i started developing lot of self pity, lost my self esteem, self worth, confidence, always looked down upon myself, ashamed of my behaviour, developed very bad anxiety issues, caused truck loads of other health issues. there wasn't a day where i wouldn't wake up, look in the mirror, feel sorry and sick of the person i had become. I wished for the day to end soon but another day was waiting with everything repeating , an infinite loop. Spoke a lot about it in the forums, many good souls here really helped me look at it from a different perspective, still something was keeping me hooked on to the pain and memories. And then one day the therapist happened. To be continued...:)
  11. So I have been whining a lot about my anxiety, depression and fear. I would like to try to turn it around. So I am going to drop some happy/cheerful/funny thoughts here. My first one...I think it's a hoot that Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg are friends. It's so awesome that two people who come from completely different walks of life can get along so well. I also am a fan of Fred Chang who was a contestant on Master Chef US. Just adore him. Anyone have anything to add?
  12. here's something i said i wouldnt do on another post and that's start a journal. ---lies. im bored, lonely and think it would be good to let out feelings and get things off my chest. i will be rambling. it will be random. but it will be real. about me; im 31, female, and i live in atlanta. i work for myself and dont have alot of friends. the ones i do have i dont hang with like that. this makes my life very isolated. when i was younger this didnt bother me but now it does. im in a relationship now for 4 yrs. with a guy we will call chad. he works alot and doesnt make time for me like he should. i feel very neglected but we r trying. that's really the only issue with him is the time thing and the fact that he could spice things up a lil...he's a bit dull, bless his heart but a sweet guy. recently (end of last yr) this turned into an open relationship. also, last year i was dating a guy we will call Rick (id started cheating last year..) that i eventually fell in love with. we're not together anymore. this has affected me greatly. i suffer from anxiety and depression on and off. it really flared up last year in jan and feb (ironically). towards the middle of 2014 it started to go away. this coincided with meeting rick and just getting out there meeting ppl. well now that rick and i are apart i find my anxiety coming back. i feel alone all over again. sometimes i wake up and im ok, but some days r worse than others. rick and i still text here and there with him doing the initiating. im the kind of woman where if someone implies or says "space" or that he/she doesnt want to be bothered with me (in so many words) then i dont chase them. period. however when he texts i do reply. i wrote a lil more about rick in a previous post.. pretty much i just work and get online. i used to get in the gym but it seems like i cant get the motivation to go anymore. i lost a gang of weight but unfortunately its coming back on due to my inactivity. which is unusual for me cause im anything but a homebody, i love to be out. but nowadays, not so much. that's how i know im in a mood/bad space. the only thing i really do is go shopping: A LOT. it makes me feel good, for the moment. then im empty again. somethings missing. i can physically feel it in my body, like a void in the middle of my chest. ...more to come
  13. I have a bit of a strange request. I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB. He's completely loyal and devoted to me and obviously gave all of that up once we got into a relationship. Personally I have very little sexual experience because I always figured it is something to be shared with someone special. And while I'm sure that I must have met people in my life who have engaged in casual sex, I've never met anyone who's admitted to it so it is a very 'out there' idea for me. I've never understood how someone as sweet and caring as him could do something that seems so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic. I was able to brush it aside for a long time but lately it is causing me a lot of anxiety. More often than not I spend most of the night lying awake with my heart racing, my mind continuously going over how someone so loving could do something like that. I can feel my stomach cramping up as I'm typing this. He is perfect for me in every (other) way and I don't want to give him up, I've never felt as loved as I do today. I just desperately want to feel at peace with it. I've tried things like masturbating and picturing a random person is there with me, and in the moment itself it doesn't seem that terrible. My own hand, someone else's hand, whatever. But when night rolls around I picture this person I love with his hands all over someone whose name he barely even knows, only to never see them again, and I spend the next four hours tossing and turning. How can someone so wonderful share something so private with a stranger and not feel violated? How can our minds mesh so well except for this one thing? I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to hear, but I guess experiences from someone who's been in my position or someone who likes casual sex as well would be nice. I don't want to ask him about it too much because ultimately it's in his past, and because there's always a chance that what he says might trigger me. But some comforting words from someone who's not directly involved would be great. I'm not religious so I don't have any specific reasons for feeling the way I feel about it. I'm open to having someone change my mind about it, but as of now I'm just not seeing it and the lack of sleep is affecting my ability to deal with life. Another thing I should probably mention is that I don't have any issues with the relationships he's been in. Obviously it's not my favourite thing to think about, but it's not traumatic the way the casual stuff is. Thank you so much in advance.
  14. Hi, I'm late 30s and have recently started dating a women (10 dates in, including two weekends together) and it's been going brilliantly, in fact I have never felt this sure about someone so far. We completely click and we have been enjoying every moment together. Last night though she said she misses me already (we had met the day before), and that it feels strange/scary for her because she doesn't want to feel that way and it's making her feel really anxious, also that she's feeling terrified of letting another human into her life and that she feels she has been too open with her feelings. Basically she doesn't see it as a good thing feeling that way, I tried to explain it must mean we really enjoy each others company and that I missed her too. I also let her know that this is something I haven't experienced before in my own feelings either and that it's new for both of us. As a guy I'm a guy that does get anxious from time to time too (she said she has suffered from bad anxiety in the past) however on this occassion I have been living in the moment and feeling happy/excited about the situation and prospect of meeting my potential match, so what she said last night came as unexpected for me I had assumed things were heading in the correct direction. I'm a bit worried I was being too open myself in revealing all of my feelings, I'm usually more guarded because I've been bitten in the past for being too open with women then looking like a keeno. How should I be playing this situation, should I just be as reassuring as possible, or should I be giving her a bit of space to process everything? I want us to be able to continue enjoying the dating process and getting to know each other without things getting too heavy/complicated too soon causing it to break down. Hopefully I hear from her later and she's feeling better again, any advice much appreciated though, all new grounds for me and do not want to mess things up. Thanks
  15. I think he plays a roll in our fights, as well as me - we tend to trigger each other’s anxieties when we fight. But I feel a majority is me. I get this ocd anxiety whenever I’m in a long term relationship and I’ve let it ruin too many of them. If I can just get a handle on this we could get to a different place. We had something, and I don’t want to walk away without knowing that I tried everything and fought for it. It sounds so dumb looking back - one morning on the trip, he showed me a video on Facebook where a guy walked up to someone and said “now that’s a big pile of !”..and the person thought he was talking to them, but then behind the person was a guy wheelbarrowing an actual pile of . I said “I imagine if someone said that to you, you might be like ‘no, I’m not!’ But then when he comes towards you looking to fight you’d be like ‘okay okay! I am a big pile of !’ He said that hurt his feelings..and instead of apologizing, I felt like I couldn’t because I felt like I said it knowing it was a little mean..so if that’s true, how could my apology be genuine? But I eventually apologized, and we got over it. He said he still wanted to be my boyfriend, and he’s willing to work with me, but that I also have to work with him. Then he kept asking me if I was okay over and over the next day. I kept saying “I’m okay”, but he could tell something was off. Like, there wasn’t anything I was needing to tell him, but I always have some form of anxiety..so saying “really, I’m fine!” Felt like a lie. And I don’t want to lie. He asked so much it was starting to change my behavior..Like, I’d feel like I couldn’t watch tv for too long with a blank stare on my face, or else he’d feel like something was wrong. Also, when you start to ask someone so often if they’re okay..it can really start to affect you/frustrate you..making you not okay, just by a self-fulfilling prophecy! Then on the ride home, it started with him asking where I want to stop for food....idk I guess I was getting annoyed with the way he was planning things and was already more easily annoyed cuz of what had gone on the past couple days and I had an attitude..he then assumed I didn’t want to go to the place I picked and I was like no..it’s fine. And it just went off from there. He wanted me to apologize for the attitude and again I had trouble with it. I eventually did. He told me he wasn’t sure he could trust me..that I can’t push someone to the point I pushed him, and *then* start apologizing. I told him I didn’t intentionally want things to get to this point. He told me his ex wife didn’t “intentionally fall for that other guy”, but she still did. It didn’t matter if it was intentional or not. She still did it and hurt me.”....that’s where I think his issues come up. It’s not fair to compare me to his ex wife so much. I’m not her and would never cheat on him. Anyway, it went on like this for the rest of the trip. By the end I asked if he was breaking up with me. He told me it was “either this matters enough to me to make the changes necessary, or it doesn’t. That’s it.” I told him the good of our relationship is worth it to me to fight for. At the very end I asked again if he was breaking up with me and he said yes, and there was no going back. He’s obviously somewhat conflicted; but yeah. That’s how it went down. Not a fun ride back home. I just feel horrible cuz I feel like I had 8 hours to act like a partner to him, and I failed. We’re meeting up over zoom for a couples counseling session on Friday. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m also nervous. Hopefully it goes well. I told him that it will either help us see what went wrong and move on, or help us see that we’re not ready to let this relationship die. Any advice here? Does anyone see any patterns in these arguments that keep happening? They seem so..surface level, so there should be a way to improve. Tl;dr: boyfriend and I broke up on the way home from vacation, but is willing to meet with me for a couples counseling session. Any advice for the best way to handle this upcoming appointment?
  16. Been out of work for 3 months now, and so I have been battling with mixed feelings. Anxiety, uncertainty...but also hope and faith. I wonder how you are feeling at this point? What do you consider the most challenging phase when it comes to huge changes like this? Thanks.
  17. Hi, I looking for advice. I am a 39 year old male and I have recently started dating a 35 female. On our first date we really clicked and had such a great time together. She has a young daughter and there is about an hours drive between us so we messaged a lot and planned a second date, several times she had cancel the second date due to having no one to look after her daughter. We did eventually make it and again had such a good time. After this we kept in touch and started arranging our 3rd date, this proved difficult again and she had to put if of a few times, during this time she mentioned she suffered from anxiety and depression and she felt a bit scared about the idea of a new relationship, I really like her and although know it will potentially cause obstacles in a relationship I am more then happy to work with it. As she was having difficult finding care for her daughter, she invited me to her home for an evening for a third date. We again had such a great time together and things where going really well. The very next day she messaged me a lot and seemed really excited about us, however the following the day she suddenly stopped responding. I left it and waited but still didn’t here, the following day (today) I messaged just a general good morning as we have been for the last few weeks and I still haven’t had any response, I haven’t messaged since as I understand she might need some space or have her own things going, from what I know about her already I really feel she is the kind of person that would say if she wasn’t interested rather than just cut me off, I haven’t sent anymore messages to give her space and not put any pressure on her, which is why I am asking for advice now. I really would like to go to try and build a relationship with her and honestly believe she does with me but is scared and anxious. I’m not really sure what I should I do next, should I wait for her to message or get in touch myself in a days? I have already made it clear I am really interested and will be completely understanding to her situation. I would like to tell her how serious I am but I’m worried that may make her feel pressured and anxious. Any and all advice is welcome please 🙏
  18. Me and my ex broke up last week. We went the weekend without communicating but now communication is back on. We text a decent amount and a few phone calls sprinkled in there. I’m on high alert waiting for her to text or call me and it’s giving me anxiety. I don’t want to ask her where we stand because I don’t know what she thinks. I’ve been just playing it cool... no begging or pleading. Any advice??
  19. Hi guys, I posted here about 5 weeks back with all sorts of problems that my recent breakup has caused, specifically the physical problems of tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing and anxiety. It stopped me going outside, going to work bacislly functioning. Over the last few week with the help of some antidepressants advise from my mum and other things I seemed to almost go back to normal, I was able to return to work and go out with friends again. I even ran a Tough Mudder (a big love in my life doing physical challenges). But the last few days I seem to have reverted back to how I was, not so much chest pain, but anxiety and the feeling of panic all the time. Nothing that I can recall happened to set it off I was literally just in work doing my usual stuff. Is this normal to happen, I thought I was doing so well. As mentioned in my last post I still live with my partner as we have a mortgage together, but after some words from my mum today she wants me to come and move back in with her until living situations have been sorted with me and my ex. The worst thing is me and my ex are still so nice to each other, it never ended on bad terms, she says she still loves me but the love has changed. Thanks for all the help so far! Alex
  20. This is a can of worms. A massive can of worms for me that has stems from years of contemplation, anxiety, and therapy. I'm a guy. And I'm into (select guys). I am open and loving of people of all sexuality, but when it comes to myself, I can never accept myself for who I am. I have always wanted to just be in the group of normal straight teens who like girls, but wouldn't actively consider being with a male. I dare never to hate someone because they are gay, but deep down in myself I really don't like that I am attracted to other guys. I've dated a few guys and have done a little more with more guys, but I can never say that to my family or friends, or post it on social media. Its a legit second life that I actively cover up to make sure no one sees. I'm not scared that I'll be disowned, my mother and the few friends that I have told support it and always want to hear what I'm up to. But the image of me being with a male doesn't fit the persona that I have setup for myself and that I want to grow into as I begin my adult life. I tell myself it's okay to go on these adventures and be intimate with guys, as long as I tell myself that when I'm older, I'll be married to a woman and have kids of my own. But I'm at that age where people start becoming open to the idea of permanent/super long term relationships. And I fall for these guys not because of what's down stairs, but because they're sweet and like me because I don't like myself. But I feel like I need to make a commitment as to which side I swing towards before I start making real mistakes involving real people and real emotions. I consider myself bi, but some of the people who have called me out have called me gay. But I don't agree with that. Sure I haven't properly dated or had sex with a female, but I'm still attracted to them, but at the same time I haven't been able to hold the hand of a male partner I've had while in public, or asked to have the dorm room for a night to have a night alone with him out of sheer anxiety and discomfort. I'm only 19 so I'm sure some of this can be attributed to changing hormones, but this has been a battle I've fought inside for years. And I feel like a really bad person having this battle inside myself, and still going out and opening myself to new relationships.
  21. My doctor is considering putting me on effexor, What has been your experience? It’s for anxiety and hopefully help with my depression as well.
  22. I've been employed through my current employer for nearly three and a half years. I was dealing with some mental health ( depression and very bad anxiety) issues when I first started, but they have progressed at some points during this time and have remained a constant issue for me. I feel like my managers do not take me seriously. A previous manager asked me if I was sure I had these things because I seemed "normal" and she "never would have guessed. She's not there anymore but I still have 3 managers. I know what my triggers are and I do my best to avoid them. But it seems they are either careless or try to push my limits. It is a retail job where I am trained in every department of the store. One of my triggers is being put to work in the fitting room and another is being on cash alone. I love being on cash if there is another associate up there but if I'm alone I get so sick to my stomach and will have a panic attack. And being put into the fitting room is similar. I feel like I'm trapped and the walls are closing in and I get physically sick and can't breathe. Also, i walk 40 minutes to work and 40 minutes home everyday. This is because I don't drive and my anxiety does not allow me to take a bus or a taxi. Because of this, we have been in agreement that I won't be scheduled at night because it is dark and I don't feel comfortable or safe being a young female walking alone at night down a busy street. And yet, they randomly schedule me for night shifts or tell me to cover the fitting room. They do recognize that I have these issues but it's like - if they are strapped and need someone my issues don't matter and I should just "get over them" because "everyone has to do stuff they don't want to do". They don't understand that it isn't that I don't want to, but more that I physically can't without being sick. Last week I was scheduled for a night shift and brought it up to my manager and she apologized said she didn't realize and she tweaked it so that I wasn't there once it got dark. Then tonight I was scheduled for another one. And I would have tried to switch with someone but a coworker was finishing a bit later than me and said she would drive me home. I have no problem working nights if I have a ride. So anyways, I only took this shift because I had a guaranteed ride. 5oclock comes around ( Its already dark here ) and my manager comes to me and said they were short staffed and the girl who was gonna drive me home is now staying until the store closed and basically sorry about your luck find another way home. Long story short we got into it, she couldn't understand why I couldn't just hop a bus or take a cab, got angry with me and very rude and snippy saying fine let her leave we'll be short handed all night blah blah etc. Making it my fault. I am going to be changing my availability so that the night thing doesn't happen anymore but what can I do about not being put in places I'm triggered. My doctor will nit write a note about it nor do I expect him to. My employer won't put into writing that they won't ask me to work in those departments. I feel defeated.
  23. Hello everyone! So quite a long one.. I have been working in my job since March 2018, I work in a call centre for a bank. At first, I really liked the job, you had training for weeks so you werent thrown on the job straight away, pay is amazing with it increasing after training.. a lot of benefits like pension, rewards etc! My shift pattern is a 4 on 4 off, i work 4 days then im off for 4, and they are 11 hour shifts with 1 hour lunch and 3x 15 min computer breaks. So at first I thought amazing, mini break every week! Before this I was a bar maid, I had the potential to move up but I didn’t want to work behind a bar anymore. I said to myself I would never work in a call centre, i can barely make a phone call to someone myself nevermind me taking them! So, it’s been a tough year with anxiety/depression, after around 2/3 months I finally told them about it as it was having a bad effect on my job and health, I was suffering from more migraines but I put this down to the shift pattern also, it’s such long hours stuck behind a computer! I requested a shift pattern change, to shorter hours over 5 days - they said they’d try but can’t do it because of “business reasons” . I have slowly come to hate the job, at the beginning everything is basically sold to you for e.g. you’re told about the opportunities available, like moving departments, promotion etc.. but don’t tell you you’ve got to be there for a lengthy period of time first, you aren’t entitled to half the benefits until after a year.. which i understand a lot of places are like this! but we never got told that until the last month or so... Then we have a coach, mentoring us throughout the whole training process, after training your in whats like a learning school, you have mentors all around you incase you need instant help on a call and this usually goes on until your whole group is ready to work on their own - roughly 4-6 months. You’re meant to have ONE coach, ONE. We have had ours change 8-9 times, from people having to leave, someone being promoted, one wasn’t trained enough.. and each one has had their own teaching techniques.. some telling us no dont do that while others say yes.. so we end up in the deep end if we do something wrong!! and that has been picked up on by our manager - who had to clarify half the things we learn. No other team has had this many coaches, we are still in “learning school” its like being thrown about like a ragdoll. Also, as soon as i told them about my anxiety.. at first they were all okay brilliant we will help you.. I’ve had one occupational health call and a number to ring incase i need help.. so no actual support from my manager just thrown to the side. Last but not least the actual job itself feels claustrophobic, like i have no where to go/move upwards.. I don’t want to be stuck in a dead in career but I feel like if i keep moving from job to job, surely this will look bad on a CV? how do i answer why i was only there for a short period of time? I don’t know what career is right for me, i guess this is more of a rant than advice, but I’d love to hear if someone has experienced this before, what should i do should i stick it out for longer? then look? or leave while I can? Thank you so much for reading, apologies for writing a bible haha x
  24. I've been stressed and dealing with anxiety for months because I can't get a job that's suitsble for me. If I do get a job that I like, there are consequences like the one I applied the other day where I had to take a night shift schedule and I can't accept it because it's too dangerous. Yes I still send my resumés, 20 of them per day through the internet. Please don't judge me anymore. I went through anxiety and depressed on my last job and I'm going through it again on my situation right now. I just want to know if there's something wrong with me I'm feeling like this? Or if there's something wrong with me that's why I find it hard to gey hired
  25. Hello everyone, thank you for taking your time to read my post. For the last 2 years, I completely isolated myself after my last relationship, I just focused on me. I dug myself out of debt, and revived my GPA in college. Going from a near drop out, to a competitive grad school candidate. I had VERY little social interaction in those last 2 years, outside of seeing classmates during class I completely kept to myself. During this period, I had a lot of confidence in my ability to excel and succeed, and didn't doubt myself at every turn. I even got myself into a fairly competitive internship. Thinking I was in a better state, I thought I had my issues sorted out (depression, anxiety) and I wanted to be social again, and if I start dating again, awesome! But shortly after allowing myself to be more sociable, hanging out with new friends I notice a pattern coming up again. One of my co-workers and I hit it off fairly well. Turns out we were in a few classes together the last couple semesters and didn't realize we both got into the internship. About a month to a month and a half ago, she broke up with her boyfriend, and was in a very confused/depressed state. Something in me just clicked, "gotta make her feel better", "gotta go out of my way to do this, do that". We were getting along very well, and hung out every now and then, but I just couldn't control my urge to take care of her, and help her feel better. When we weren't hanging out, I would feel a ridiculous amount of anxiety, to the point where I completely doubted myself at every turn with EVERYTHING I did. Almost as if the last 2 years of showing myself how capable I was meant absolutely nothing. I started to look back at my past friendships, relationships, interactions with people and I saw this pattern over and over and over again. Where I would exhaust myself to "be a good friend", then resent myself for being "not good enough". I know I am a good friend, and I know I am good enough, but whenever we are not hanging out I start thinking otherwise. Back then I didn't have much to lose, and gave in to my anxiety and depression. I didn't think I deserved to have friends, a relationship, or people being nice to me. I remember when I was a teenager, someone thought I was being picked on, and stood up for me. I teared up, they thought I was crying because I was being picked on, but the reality was, it was because they stood up for me and showed that they cared. I'm 27 now and its been over a decade since that incident. For more than half my life, I had always thought I was never good enough, didn't deserve friends, or deserve to be loved. But, I do and I know better. I don't want to be alone anyone, and I don't want to isolate myself from the rest of the world again just to get by. The last time I went full internal, I cut off a lot of friendships. I am building new friendships now, and I don't want this reoccurring nightmare to destroy those too. I am seeking professional help for this. I went to my school counseling center the morning after I realized this was more than just me feeling anxious about a girl. I also signed up for group therapy as well, hopefully starting next week and my individual counselor the week following. I want to talk to my friend about this, but I don't want it to come across as some clingy thing. On the surface, it may seem trivial or just me being whiny about being alone or have no friends, I don't want it to come across this way. My friend has a background in psychology, and has had experience with depression, and anxiety herself. We've shared a lot with each other about our own struggles, I did not share this when we had our talks before because I didn't know it was an issue. Codependency has been destroying my social life, I want it to stop and build friendships. How should I open up to my friend about my issues and struggles with codependency?
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