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About Me

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  1. Looking for advice but also needing to vent and let out some of the hurt. My bf and I are going on 3 years together, we're both 30. We haven't been truly intimate in almost a year. I'm open with him about how it hurts me and how I don't feel like he's still attracted to me even though he says he is. I try to initiate intimacy but it gets met with changing the subject, moving away from me, putting focus on something in the room like the TV or the dog, making jokes. I've lost track of how many times we've fought over it and I end up depressed, feeling worse while he makes empty promises that he'll make an effort to try more. But he never does. Then yesterday he told me he has a p**n addiction and he thinks it's easier to handle himself that way than to actually involve me in it. Ouch. I don't have an issue with him watching it, hell, I watch it, but my heart hurts that he would rather do that than to make an effort with me. And he didn't seem bothered to tell me. (I'd also like to point out that during past intimate moments I'm very involved so it's not like I'm asking for an arm or a leg). He tells me often that I'm his soul mate and he would do anything for me but this issue is still so prevalent and no action actually gets taken to work on it. It's like all the effort that gets put into avoiding it could be put into actually working on it...ugh. I hate to admit it but I consider cheating on him a lot, but I know that I just want the feeling of being wanted by someone and it wouldn't be anything of substance... but I really want that feeling again... Idk I feel like I'm losing it and wanting to throw in the towel. Intimacy isn't everything in a relationship and I understand that but it's one of the ways I enjoy connecting with my partner and I thought he did too and it wasn't an issue before. I know addiction isn't personal but I can't help but feel self conscious... is it my body? My hair? Do I smell bad? Is my conversation a turn off? Really does have me looking in the mirror different... thanks cardi. Any advice for this hurting person? Anyone been through something similar? 💔😔
  2. So with my husband we both struggle with addiction.😡 Due to are addiction we can't seem to get anywhere with each other it's completely ***ing frustrating. I feel like I've always pushed us to do better. I just don't know what to do anymore because any time I suggest something to him he will either agree and not do it or agree and do it when he feels like doing it basically. I need help on what you think I should do we are struggling badly with communicating, and with addiction he doesn't want to stop or he will and then boom it if no where he's right back to his addiction and we are right back where we have always been and I'm so tired of it idk how to get threw to him. What would you do if you were me?
  3. As The wind howls and boughs creak I take your hand while you sleep. There is warmth and comfort there As dreams release you from despair. Then, as the cold grey light of dawn Reveals how far you have fallen Veins constrict and palor fades As you take on a different shade. Heart dispels all seeds of doubt, pumps a sickly blue throughout. Momentary delight, free from care Hands cold to touch for your’e not there.
  4. We see the world with the language we are given Tell a child that the overgrown is a road of stone Stumbling, I flutter like a moth misinformed about a flame. Addiction to antipathy and repugnance to respect In similarity, astounding me as we fumble universally forthright towards neglect. No excuse! We avoid the call to arms in the eleventh hour procrastinating for no other reason than to teach ourselves to tell time in a digital age.
  5. For members who are not aware of my recent problems with my wife, my thread at has all the background on my wife's recent strange behaviour culminating in her slinking off and saying she won't be home for the best part of a week! Following today's events, where I dropped off my wife in the city and said, "See you tomorrow" and she replied, "See you on MONDAY, OK?"... I have decided to embark on NC (IE NO CONTACT, for people who may be new to this forum.) Many other brave souls have embarked on NC before me. Their experiences have been posted on this forum and have inspired me to follow in their footsteps. I understand that the purpose of NC is NOT as a strategy to win back my wife's affections. In fact, after how she has treated me recently why would I WANT to win her affections back, even if I could? No, the reason for NC is to allow ME to heal myself. And also to show my wife the consequences of her decision to betray me (not that she will probably care!) I've already found out it's a very hard battle to maintain NC though-I'd usually be sending my wife a "Good Night & sweet dreams" SMS about now and she would reply with a terse "U2." If I receive an sms from my wife tonight I will not only be calling the Pope to inform him of a miracle, but I know I will find it very hard not to reply. I will force myself to because I do not want to let you all down! I will vent here instead. My wife has already effectively made the decision to end our relationship so I have no choice for my own welfare, to enable me to get over her, no choice but to cut all contact. I feel this is the most mature and classy way to deal with her behaviour in response to the cowardly way she slunk off and ended our relationship. From now 'til Monday is 5 days. That will be the longest period of NC that my wife and I have had in the last 3 years. It won't be easy. It will be interesting to see her reaction (although I would bet she won't panic. My intuition tells me she will be pleased I've finally accepted that the relationship is over and/or too busy having a good time with her new man to care. But who knows? Maybe it will shock her. Maybe it will ruin her weekend. But that's not the goal. The goal is my healing.) God, it's lonely embarking on NC. It really is like how I imagine it would be trying to quit an addiction. But like all addictions, one of the quickest (if most painful in the short-term) methods is to go 'Cold turkey.' NO CONTACT is my goal. I will let you know how it goes, day-by-day on this forum, to help anyone else in the future who may come here for insight with a real-life case study on what it's like to embark upon the lonely NC highway... God Bless, Pray for me. Ozomega.
  6. My mom called today and wanted me to find out where a gambling anonymous meeting was, I found out and she said she is ready to get help. She called back and asked me if I could go with her, and I told her I didn't think I was allowed since I don't have a gambling addiction and said "you know like can't go with me to NA meetings." then she says "what's NA?" when I explained it was narcotics anonymous she freaked out on me. She knows (at least I think she should) that I was heavily addicted to drugs for a long time, she is the one who checked me into rehab 4 times, I guess she has "blocked it out" but she called her counselor who called me and was mad that I brought it up, I didn't know it was off limits. She says she isn't going to speak to me now (my mom) because she didn't know her daughter was a "druggie", I have been clean for a long time now, I don't think I am still a "druggie" and it makes me mad that she isn't going to speak to me, I mean I talk to her and she is right in the middle of her addiction, surely since I go to meetings to keep clean that's a good thing right? I know I can't control any of this and I am trying to remember that, but it just makes me mad.
  7. I just wanted to post a little bit about what I went through with my addiction. Maybe it will help somebody out in the long run if they hear my story. I think the first time I smoked marijuana was at 12. My mom always told me that "weed is a gateway drug" Yeah right whatever!!! HAHA.. boy was she ever write. I moved to Ohio when I was 14, my dad is an alcohalic and I felt I had to take care of him. WRONG CHOICE!!! When I was 17 I met a boy. At first it was soo good, nothing could go wrong. Well, I was always wondering why he would nodd off, or be really itchy at times. I finally asked him like 3 months later, and he's like do you want to try this pill? Well yeah. I mean who wouldn't. Then I started to get addicted. From Vikadin to Delatdids. That went on for about 3 1/2 years. I was so hooked, I wouldn't even get out of bed unless I had something. My back always hurt, I was just always in pain. I began to notice I was just like my father. That sucked! Pulled myself in even deeper, and started shooting up. I was shooting for about 1 year. My boyfriend was just absolutly insane. He was sooo bad on drugs, and sooo mean. Abusive, physical and verbal. But I was so hooked I didn't want to go anywhere, because those drugs were for free. Well I finally broke up with him in Feb. of 06'. It was like the BIGGEST relief off my shoulder I have ever had. Well, I moved in with his step dad and sister at their apartment. Started smoking crack. To this day I would never think I would be that person. I always said I will never do any other drug besides Weed. HA Forget that... Ive done everything under the sun. Like when I would look in the mirror at myself I would just want to puke, I hated myself. It got to the point where I didn't want to look anymore. Staying up for days, running around looking for * * * *. Just crazy how my life was. My X boyfriend and his sister went out one night on a 4 day crack beinge. That was it for me. I called my mom from a payphone and told her "Look mom I need you so bad right now, Im smoking crack, shootin pills and coke...PLEASE SAVE ME" She sent me to rehab. May 18, 2006 I got clean. That was the best and most scariest time of my life. I was sick of being sick and tired. I was scared to walk through those doors, scared of change, scared what it was like not to be drugged up, scared of everything. Rehab changed my life in more ways than I can count. I have been clean for 4 months TODAY, and Im a totally different person. If you would have known me BEFORE the drugs, you would have never thought I would be that type of person. I love my life now. I can look in the mirror now, and not be ashamed of seeing myself looking so deathly skinny. I love myself for once in my life. Life was hard, I always seemed to put myself in a situation where it would be difficult. But one thing I learned "God will never put anything in your life you can't handle." I attend N/A meetings regularly and they are great. They do help you. Well, that is my story. Just wanted to share, maybe it will help somebody. If you want to know more, cause' that was just a summary, just ask. Im not ashamed of what I went through. It only made me stronger. Thank you guys, Abby
  8. I sometimes don't even realize it, but I spend a lot of time in front of the computer screen on a daily basis. And I usually spend much of that time just alternating between a few websites; MySpace, email, and a couple forums. I've become so conditioned to it that it doesn't feel extreme, but I am starting to realize how addictive it has become. Several months ago I banned myself from a certain forum, and vowed not to come back for a while, because it was becoming to distracting. It was a great choice, because in that time frame I worked on other parts of my life that really needed to be worked on. Then one day I decided to come back and start posting again, but in small amounts. The hope was that I would post there every now and then, so it wouldn't be a problem. But simply an outlet. Unfortunately, as time went on, I found myself spending more and more time on there, posting, reading, just getting sucked back into it. So I am faced with the problem again. It has become addiction to the point of mental distraction, so I am forcing myself not to go there... again. MySpace is certainly the most addictive of websites. I used to use a regular account there, but stopped using it (and deleted it) maybe a few months afterwards because it was kind of boring for me, and it got really addicting. Since then, I've been simply using my music page. That helps me get a lot of exposure. But the problem is, I still spend a lot time on that website. Mainly checking for updates, new comments, etc. It's an unhealthy addiction. I certainly don't want to delete the account, because it's important that I have it up. So I guess I can come to the easily conclusion that I am addicted to the internet. The mental and psychological battle here is that, while being around something so accessable (the computer), I have to spend less time doing the thing that has become such a major part of my life. This isn't saying that all things on the internet are bad, it's just that I struggle to maintain that sense of balance. The good thing is, over the past couple of months I have become more disciplined about doing certain things that I don't want to do, but have to do because it is important. I am saying to myself, I know I don't want to do this, but I have to, because I have been procrastinating on doing it for so long. I just hope I can carry that onto this addiction so to speak. I know I can do it, but it's not so much a physical addiction as it is a mental one. I've been on summer vacation for the past couple of months, and with college starting again in a couple weeks, things are going to have to change. My habits, how I balance my time. I think that this is going to be the biggest fight thus far-- focusing a lot less on surfing the internet and spending MORE time doing what needs to get done through school and through other aspects of my life that SHOULD be more important. Has anyone else on this forum gone through something like this before?
  9. Tonight I gladly met my fate Choking on the ice Of cold Long Island's freezing waves I had to pay the price But hey, the cherry touch was nice Tingling after orgasm It went down very well The Russian laughed and took my cash To Blue Hawaiian hell And still addiction would compel Kamikaze, adios A zombie with a beer As Bloody Mary's red eyes stared I felt no pain or fear Just numb lips touching someone's ear Soaked in fuzzy memories I fell at 3 AM But when I see that sunrise sweet I'll do it all again And who will I be kissing then?
  10. Me and my GF have been together for fifteen months now. In the beginning everything felt perfect, I was always happy to be with her she made me feel better than anybody could ever make me feel. We used to go for walks every night and have casual conversations, we used to always be outside doing something, whether it be going for a walk or pushing eachother on the swings at the park. But recently things have been different, our relationship has about ten percent communication, the only time we're ever really talking nowadays she's telling me lies. I didn't see that our relationship was so deprived of communication until I got down to thinking about it three days ago, she was over at my house and we were in my room, I asked her to lay down with me so we could talk... It went good for about three minutes before she got up to use my computer... then her dad called and said she had to be home, so I went with her. Now we're at her house... but before I go any further let me explain this part. See, whenever I go to her house we're in the basement, the location of her computer. So when we're down there, she's on the computer... that's all she ever does. Recently she has become EXTREMELY addicted to The Sims which I know is an addicting game but she is so addicted to it, it's mind boggling. She rushes to play it every time i'm over, so I basically lay down on the couch down there and fall asleep, I just rot on the couch while she plays computer games. Now, back to my situation, we went to her house and before she could get to the computer I asked her to sit with me on the couch so we could have a conversation with no distractions... again, it went good for maybe five seconds before she asked me if she could get up to play the sims, so I just said "Whatever" so she stayed, we talked a little bit more and then she made an excuse to get up and play computer games her excuse was "You know, I haven't played internet games in a long time." And whenever I try to talk to her without arranging to talk she either says something sarcastic or makes some stupid random noise... it's so damn annoying. One other problem our relationship has (And this pisses me right the hell off) I find physical contact with her hard, not sex but simply hugging and kissing... it seems like every time I touch her now she screams and tells me it feels like i'm raping her when all I tried to do was hug her... She never used to be like that I don't know what I did wrong but I feel like I did something wrong to make her act like this. I feel like i've tried everything I possibly can to bring our relationship back to the level it was once on... I don't know what to do anymore, she's my first GF and i'm her first BF, I don't know how I would deal with a break-up if it were ever to happen, I don't want it to...
  11. OK, we all know about drugs, tobacco and alcohol, etc Seriously, my addiction is message boards. I usually find them so much more interesting than work and I worry that one day they'll suss out how much time I spend on them. I've previously been addicted to fishing.
  12. My brother is addicted to Oxycotin and has been for about 2 years. His dr won't prescribe it anymore. Now he gets them from a dealer. Well the dim wit used my cell phone the other night to call this dealer. My brother knows he is addicted. His life has turned since he became addicted. He failed out of University, he moved back with my parents, and he is in debt. If you had the number of the person who deals illegal prescriptions would you turn it over to the authorities?
  13. you close my eyes nobody will know you'll seal them off and you'll guard the post your days are rough because their in your mind an addiction they've become Fueled by your desire time is infinite, when you think of them like a life-long purgatory you don't want to let go Want to punish, punish for feeling punish for liking, loving, living you walk to your room, a shell of a place Fragmented memories, yell out to your brain You shut it out, turn on the tv put your head in a book, avoiding memories you walk to the kitchen get a glass to drink you'll turn the tap and think of them their arms pressed around you your lips meet their neck passionate embrace you feel like that will never be replaced you start to suffocate you must escape, you rush to your car start the ignition out the driveway your veer your radios blasting you listen to the song I know this one you say, our favorite and you try to sing along Your stammer, your sob Your tears cascade down you cant escape, this cant disappear But they'll be a point when you start to heal all the memories will fade, and tear just be strong, and don't give way tomorrow will always be a little easier than today
  14. At the stand of this love she is unfinished, an hour glass with sand still flowing. Suddenly shattered, tiny pieces of glass frightened and bleeding on the sheets, one lovers' beauty singing inside the other yet she can no longer answer though her mouth is hungry for the tongue that once flamed her into a dithering fool moaning, sighing, arching, doing anything needing to dissipate herself and her lover two parched nude bodies in flagrant lust. And one is quick to say that is all it is but she is a liar for there is more to us, there is this elusive unveiling, lifted with compassionate fingers, that won't be denied, a palpable thing wanting, needing our individual truths. Now the stronger lover is torn her lovers' body has become leaden she is too quiet no matter what she thinks, I will always creep upon her flesh anchor her to me without reserve but with a kind of love like that of an overturned vase, reckless spilling the scent of jasmine everywhere a gang of thorns and buds cool pain and hot pleasure, that becomes an addiction surging and sprouting. Washing her with myself, my being - I won't let her go. Not her wet kisses or her sleepy sighs, nor her murmuring love poems that make me feel desired and less alone.
  15. GOD Hey you home? I am waiting outside of your door? I would tear down the walls to understand your heart but it seems you've locked me out for a time.. thats fine with me I'll wait here all by myself I wont wait forever Hey is anyone home? Hey are my tears wasting here alone? I would tear down the walls to understand, the fears that live inside your heart Is anybody home? Am I wasting my time, did I pick the wrong door God, are you gonna open for me Are my tears wasting for you Are you living in the trees, are you living in the seas are you everywhere but here with me Is anybody home? Is god gonna let me in the door Hold my hand and guide me home I'll wait on the porch the futures in doubt. ------------------------------------ EXILE I'll alienate the world we see exile everything from view understand it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me I'll sit at the ocean drink in hand nursing an addiction to a promised land so lead me through the desert sands living on a diet on a steady blend I got an addiction to the way that I feel liquid courage in my veins, changing what appears I'm different, a confidant, I refuse to be weak maybe its wrong, but its what I think Except when I'm down and dreaming of you us sitting in a crystal booth speaking of love and forgotten muse oh I need this, to escape you Sitting at the bar, I take a drink forget who I am, change what I think believe not me for its what it takes I sit at the bar and I take a drink close my mind to what I think alienate the word with another buzz turn on the tv with the fuzz Relax and pretend everythings okay sitting here with nothing to say I turned off my soul with another drink
  16. All alone in the dark of the night. Wishing I had someone to hold me tight. Take away the cold with your warmth and touch. Is that asking way to much? What about asking for your love? Is it crazy to expect such? I gave myself to you. Expecting you to love me too. And then you used me. And the cycle continued, yet I was always to blind to see. No one is willing to love someone they call easy. No one ever bothered to look deep within, to see the beauty behind the skin. And before I knew it I was lost and alone. With sadness that was well known. I tried to take my life, to end the pain deep inside. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. Then fate stepped in from behind. Saved me for a lover that was all mine. Now the darkness has turned to light. Happiness consumes me every day. Though my past is always here to stay. I am often rather insecure and scared. No one ever stayed, I don't want to be betrayed. So hear my cries and hear my pleas. Don't leave me, don't hurt me. I am loyal, I am true. And just to show you what I'd do. I'd even die and go to hell for you.
  17. My boyfriend of 1 year, 3 months has done nothing wrong. He treats me respectfully and brilliantly, like a good friend as well as a lover. Our sex life is excellent - frequent, varied, open and commicative. I trust him, and his character-assessing abilities - he is happy with and honest in his desire to just be faithful to me/love me/marry me in next couple of years - I'm set to move in about November-time this year. We have been through illness, death, mental illness, major exams, holidays, day-to-day living, and seem to handle everything pretty well as a couple. I don't think - in fact, I know - that we have never had an argument. Emotive discussions about past experiences maybe, or things we arn't comfortable with...but its always been resolved, and such discussions arn't frequent at all. I like him as a person. I think he is a throughly genuine, honest individual who'd never intentionally hurt anybody. He's fairly amusing. And he's VERY attractive. On a superficial level, he also owns outright his own house, 2 cars and has a degree from a good university. I'm going to use the very kind of language I abhor in others (I know, and I'm sorry) - he's just a fantastic "all rounder", and I sincerely don't think I'd find anyone else I'd prefer to spend my life with. But...but. There's always a but, isn't there? 1) Committment phobia (mine, not his) 2) Infidelity Addiction (mine, not his) 1) Before I met my boyfriend, I was doing a lot of what people politely call "playing the field". I did it because I could, because I'd been considered "ugly and fat" when I was younger, it was as though I wanted to grab the whole world and get proof from everyone I could that I WAS attractive, I WAS good enough. I don't actually know how many people I've been with...which doesn't sit well with me, but I know why I did it. No responsibility, a whole lot of excitement, and a lot of, well, adoration. I'm ashamed, but I'm human? And I miss my old persona for that very reason. Whenever I was down, it'd only take a few hours of being with someone, making them feel as though I was brilliant, to make ME feel brilliant. Now that I'm with someone who knows my faults and so forth, I feel vulnerable to the point of being sick. I hate it, I cry a lot over this. It's not the fooling around with other people I want - its...I don't know. The feeling of reassurance that I was in complete control, I suppose. That I had more power to hurt than BE hurt, which is currently the case. I am chronically insecure and HATE my body, and this is at 18..in another ten years itll be much worse, and at 40...at this rate I'll be in my room sobbing because I'll be so ugly and worse, I'll have aged! Its now at the stage where, on my own, I'll have a minor crying attack when I see topshelf magazines, I'm just so friggin UGLY, I mean OBVIOUSLY. And he's only with me because he's not in a place to mix with really hot people. 5ft 7ins, 36C/D breasts, 139lbs, size 6-8 US, clear skin...and I LOATHE myself. I often think "I can't compete with 99% of women out there anyway, so I'll just leave him". But I love him, I don't want to. 2) Infidelity Addiction - relating to 1). I am not unfaithful to my boyfriend, but am addicted to reading msgboards (not just ENA) on Coping With Infidelity. Some days I'll act as though I've just been dumped and as though I'm going through No Contact with him. Its an addiction, and its insane. I don't feel I can really live with this a whole lot longer. Its a massive burden to me to have to cope with all of this, but then again..I love him, I don't WANT to leave him. But I am currently going mad. I have spoken of some of this to him, but I'm not stupid and know that "Jealousy and Insecurity" is NOT attractive, and I'm trying to get over it in my own time. I don't want to sleep with other people, but I don't really want the current situation either.
  18. I wish I knew the answer, because then I'd have a chance to find my way around it. My life sucks, plain and simple. Why? Well, there's a lot of reasons, I'll name a few…. For as long as I remember, I've always been depressed. I don't really know why. When you fall off the horse, you're supposed to pick yourself up and get back in the saddle. Why is this so hard for me? I'm an extremely "hyper-sensitive" person in the sense that I get hurt easily-- physically, emotionally, mentally. Which is rather odd as my whole family tends to be emotionally withdrawn. I don't think some people realize what this can do to a person, never having any sort of bond or contact with the people closest to you. It hurts. I hurt. Now, I don't know if my family's drug addictions has anything to do with it. It probably does, but I just don't care about it anymore. I've been around drugs my whole life, and it's getting harder and harder to resist. How the hell do you get away from something that is always around you and it's all you know? Addictions run in my family, from alcohol to gambling to drugs. It never goes away and I am terrified that I will end up like the rest of my family…. Addicted to some drug or other substance. I will not let myself end up like them. I will not become the one thing I loathe. But as my spirit begins to break, I fear it is beginning to seem like a solution to all my problems and heartache. I feel I should also tell you that 10 months ago, back in November, I stopped going to school. I just stopped going. I couldn't handle the stress anymore. I have always hated school. Since I first started going I've hated it. Back in elementary school, things were easier, yes. But I still hated being there. Junior high is where things started getting really bad for me and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I often missed about a day of school a week, and that gradually started to increase. And in high school, I cracked. I don't know why I hate school, I mean, I love learning. But being there was just something that wore me down and caused a huge stress in my life. I can't be in a place where everyone expects me to fail and stresses me out to the point where Im physically sick. It's like working at a dead-end job that you absolutely hate and going home feeling like [insert a word that's going to be bleeped out It doesn't matter who you are, being in a situation like that long enough will break you. Now, to the part where life kicks me once more. My dad has recently gotten sick and the doctors don't know what's wrong with him. He can't breathe, so he's on an oxygen tank and can't work. No work equals no money. His job pays nothing but peanuts that was spent on drugs anyway so it doesn't make much of a difference. until you factor in the fact that my mother has no job, refuses to get a job, and refuses to go out and apply for financial assistance, food stamps, etc. Now, there is a valid reason she stopped working at her last job, but she is being incredibly selfish now. She only cares about her self and doesn't care that her family is suffering. I got into a fight with her earlier today when I asked her to go out and apply for food stamps. We have no money and no food in the house, and she refused to do it and said she doesn't care. When I told her she was selfish and didn't care if the rest of us die she laughed! She laughed!!. I cant believe that woman! How could I possibly related to such a cold-hearted woman? Like I said, my life sucks. Sometimes I wonder if ending my life would solve all my problems. But I don't have the strength to do that. Whether that's a good or bad thing is left up to interpretation. ---------------------- Im sorry for the length of this post. I tryed not to carry on too much. I've been lurking these forums for about 3 years now, and decided it was time to post. With hope, Amber
  19. Some of you may remember reading my posts.For those that have,thanks.For those that have not,please bear with me. My ex and I were together for 10 years.We have a daughter 8,and a daughter 10(hers from another man,but she knows only me as dad) We've had some pretty hard times,and we've said some very hurtful things to eachother.However,I never stopped loving her and I assume she did'nt stop loving me.About 3 years ago I became addicted to pain killers.This was a real strain on our relationship.We grew apart,sex had become next to nothing,and I felt she just did'nt want me near her.I knew what my abuse was doing to our family but could'nt stop(on my own).We continued to have our ups and downs throughout my addiction days.I did alot of things that I regret and they still haunt me. After years of hurt from both sides,and all the put downs and cold shoulders.I found the help I needed!That was 6 months ago.I was clean,we could move on with our life together.I could give her all I promissed.My family had their daddy back. The damage was done,she had started talking to someone new a few weeks before my treatment.I found this out through email,and I was devastated.I had drove her to this.I left the home we rented to her,and I moved out.I think back and probably should've stayed to work it out. She and my girls stayed at that home for about a month then moved to her Moms house.Since then Misty has become somone else.She lost alot of weight and started going to bars.She has had a couple of boyfriends.(nothing to comeof them I hope)She loves the attention these men give her,even though she knows these guys are jerks.We have still seen eachother throughout all this.We have fun together,it's like it use to be when we dated.Since she has lost weight and become more confident,the sex is awesome.(I know we should'nt be,but 10 years together.c'mon) We have talked about working it out.She always says the same thing.She's just wild right now,and the men mean nothing to her.She thinks I'll wait for her,and we can pick up and move on. Is this possible?Can two people move on from all of this? I won't go into the details as this is a big read as it is. She knows I've started talking to,and looking at other girls.This drives her mad with jealousy.I've never loved anyone the way I love her.I miss what we did have,and want it back. I would like some comments on how to deal with all this.Is the damage too much to recover? I know it's a mess,but I've got to make sense of all these feelings. Thanks for your time.
  20. What constitutes an addiction for ya'll? I know my definition, but I'd like to know what everybody else thinks. My definition is simple: it's when you freak out when you don't have whatever your substance is or you feel more normal while under the influence than vice versa.
  21. I feel so good about myself right now. My father and I just got back from the doctor's and I passed my drug test. I've NEVER passed before, even though I've taken at least 15-20. I am quite elated. I also feel good about making my father proud, because he is the only one who has actually gives a crap about me. I feel so guilty that I've let him down so often, but now he is so proud of me. I enroll in another Rehab the 20th of this month. I am ready to go, finally after 5 long years of addiction. Don't know what I expect anyone to write, just had to get my feelings out!
  22. When he sees himself, he sees trouble. Trapped in dust and rubble, He smoked his life away. Waiting for the dawning day. The anger is quite subtle, Falls in a hole, made by his own shovel. He tumbles through in an angry abyss, He can't see through the condensed mist. He cuts himself, so he can cease to exist. Twirling in a downward spiral. Until he discovers a stone to mark his mile. Breaks through addiction with an iron fist Cuts on his arm disappear from his wrist. He sees the blinding light, But addiction won't depart without a fight. So darkness, yet again, returns. He starts to get sick, his stomache churns The pain embedded within him burns. Turns to shadows stays out of sight, He's cold, lonely on a quiet, dark night. He feels angry, abandoned, betrayed, He doesn't realize he's hidden in the shade. He's blind, he can't see. He finds himself having to flee. He runs from his problems that he already made, He comes accross a puzzle, only he has the key. He gives any will he has left to spare, Finds that recovery is not too rare. Gives his life over to a forgiving, higher power His resentments are pushed off this selfish tower, Discovers that he can live life, hour by hour. Amends his wrongs, and tries to care. So this isn't too bad for him to bare. His eyes are open, he is reborn. His life, his heart, no longer torn.
  23. I've been seeing a guy for a week. We've been together almost every night. It's really great. I'm not saying it's more than just sex, but I think there's something more. He's like an addiction to me at the moment. Should I text him and tell him so?
  24. I have an addictive personality, and I know this. Almost my entire family has/had some sort of addiction whether it be drugs, alcohol, or anything else. I've found myself Getting off of one thing and turning to another. I can't stop, and it's killing me inside. I feel liike part of me wants to drop everything and stop forever, yet another part of me ignores it and I do things without even thinking about it. What the hell is wrong with my mind? I feel like my mind is out to get me, like it's against me. I have a strong will to quit, but at the same time it's weak, because I always run back to it. I feel like if I'm not doing something harmful to my body, then I go insane. I probably am insane. But to hell with meds, psychiatrists, ect. How do I stop addiction? By the way, please don't say to substitute it with "Reading" or "Running".
  25. Hey gang,first post. I need to know if cheating is as bad as drug abuse?Here's the story. I was with this woman for 7 years when I became addicted to pain killers.(doctor over prescribed) We had lots of fights about it.I spent LOTS of money on it.I was on this rollercoaster for almost 3 years when I got the real help I needed to beat it. I was clean for 6 weeks when I found out she was talking to an ex-bf in prison and sending him money.I moved out of the house and she continued to see/talk to him.We've been apart for almost 5 months now and I think she wants to be back with me.While we were apart she did some things that hurt me deeply.She has been with 2 men that I know of since we separated. She DID deal with my addiction for quite some time.I feel I may owe her another chance for this alone. So I want to know what you all think.Is drug abuse as bad or worse than cheating? Thanks for any and all help,I really need it.
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