smackie9

21 minutes ago, Lost1Gravity said:

Since discussion is still happening I'd also like to add to this.. i was asleep when he first started groping and woke up because of it. Aka, I wasn't really awake. Half asleep.

 

Before this, I told him multiple times during our relationship that I wanted to take things slow and if we slept in the same bed it was only for convenience or at most cuddling. 

 

I didn't give mixed signals. I let him know where I stood from the very beginning.

I pushed his hands away during the groping but he still continued. Sure, I didn't say no because I was too frozen and quite frankly too drowsy from having just woken up, but I didn't say yes either.

 

Hope this clarifies some stuff!

 

My main problem I have is that the experience has a huge effect on me even after a month or two. Not only with him, but every man or person that touches me. 

And this is why you just don't put yourself in that position. Sure we can say all day not all men are like this...we all know that BUT as women, the sad reality is, we have to be aware and protective of ourselves practically 24/7. Man I can tell you stories of subtle perverse encounters, sexual harassment, sex assaults that had happened to me throughout my life. There are times no matter it's unavoidable no matter what. 

For example I was in a crowed waiting area with my husband at a restaurant. Lots of church people there. One middle aged churchie guy started pressing into me(gross), I turned around and gave him such a stink eye he jumped, and I had to get out of there. I didn't want to cause a scene, which always a reaction women will take because we all know no one would believe it. I told my husband later....not much reaction.

Release yourself in the shower daily should cover it until then. 

Her mom finding stuff out has snuffed her desire and traded it for feeling guilty. Have patience, this will pass.  

2 minutes ago, Eoigab7810 said:

Thank you for your answer. Yes I think you're right it's the right decision to make. I will try to have another in depth conversation with him before deciding to do. And thank you! Japan is beautiful and I have so much to discover

Wow Japan....my hairdresser told me about her stay there and it sounds so amazing! I hope to go someday. 

It doesn't sound like the right decision but end it anyways. When you come back you can try to rekindle the relationship. You are going to really enjoy yourself meeting new people, going to parties, etc. Worrying and fretting over a Bf's feelings is a waste of your youth. Seriously, embrace this time for yourself to experience new things. 

I met someone that did the same thing to me. I waited 3 months. He came back with he's staying with her because she gave him a ring for his birthday, so he felt obligated. I was pissed, and disappointed....then realizing I will never trust or invest in someone like that again. It was a stupid mistake. They can't be trusted. I say you better get over him fast because he ain't worth it. You got duped by an indecisive pinhead. 

So this is what you do....stop normalizing someone staying with their ex. Even tho people choose to do it, it's a big red flag to get involved. Keep life simple.... avoid him and anyone in that situation. You saw the repercussions, so learn, grow, move on, and feel strong about your decision. Take care. 

It's abuse to keep you down a notch/in your place. Some use small comments, some use manipulation/gaslighting, and some cases use physical abuse...even tho it's small non life threatening things, he's doing it to control you along with gaslighting to deflect what he is doing. He's being a bully. That's what abusers do....in larger aspects of the relationship it's good to keep you hooked/obligated while they get away with doing those things to you. They make sure that you feel guilty if you call them out on their behavior or try to leave. he's trying to pound down your self esteam...to keep you where he wants you...dependent/in love with him. It's a mental sickness. Over time it can escalate to violence. Since you have been calling him out on it, his defense is going to his family, making them believe it you that's being abusive, to hold up an innocent persona...playing the victim. he's becoming a dangerous guy OP. You need to quietly escape, find a safe place to get away from him. And when you do, do not have any kind of communication with him. He will pull out the guns on you, and become such a problem in your life. 

21 hours ago, ghost72 said:

Why was it so awkward then? Like multiple people looking at us and someone making a comment that are we going to end up together or something. Then she says the hand holding thing. 

Look I have worked in an office/warehouse for decades....I have seen my fair share of clowning around, teasing, ribbing, etc. Even stuff that would get you sent to HR these days. My observation is when you work with different personalities, you are going to get different reactions. With those reactions there will be misconceptions of what happened.

The manager/mom talk: That's why office gossip, spreading of rumors starts to distort things. Been there seen that. Keep kool, let it go, stay professional, focus on your job. 

If you have the confidence, then do it. At least try it once.

It's just coworkers goofing around/ doing a little ribbing. You are taking this way too seriously.

11 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Why the assumption she is keeping anything from you at all? Just because a person has a lowered sex drive or doesn't want to do a specific act, doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship. 

Has anything changed in her life recently? Has she experienced some kind of drama or been stressed? Is she going through any physical issues? Any of these things may be making her less interested in sex. Sex is just as emotional and mental as it is physical. If she is distracted by something in her life, it can make it diffficult to get in the mood and enjoy the things you used to. 

Best thing to do is provide a loving, supportive environment for her. When she's ready to talk, she will. And it may even help put her at ease so that she can start feeling more interested in that again.

We have no idea what, if anything, is going on with her. For all we know it could be something embarrassing that she is simply self conscious about and afraid to say out loud. Or it could be something painful that is difficult to speak about. An ultimatum of "talk about it or we have to take time apart" wouldn't be helpful and could even push her away. 

Then she can just it's embarrassing or it's too personal to talk about instead of just saying "it's nothing" And we don't know what results will be if he suggests time apart or whatever he chooses. He can just let this sit like this forever...if she can't have an honest conversation with her BF then what is the point of this relationship. It's not fair to him either as it is not fair to her.

22 hours ago, Lena333 said:

Yes it is, I made a second post about it because a lot of people didn’t understand my point fully, it may be controlling to not let him out but I don’t mean forever just till I can trust him again but this whole situation destroyed the image I had of him over the past year. I got the message three weeks ago and last week he went out again even though I told him to not go just for a bit because I’m still hurt by the situation and he still went and lied AGAIN. I just believe that his priorities aren’t in the relationship, it’s like he does want to be with me but he can’t live up to the consequence of his own action and fix the trust he broke. I just believe that after this he can’t have both going out and the relationship for a little while. Not saying forever.

The end advice is going to be the same. You two should end the relationship.

OK so you have a grown a$$ woman in her 50's that still tolerates her mother's opinions and let her dictate her life...what the hell is that? Then you have a mother that quizzes you about your education etc, and yet she has this daughter that has already had two failed marriages and is still pushed around by her own mother. Yikes. Damn you needed to be runnin away from that sir!

Leave him. Next time don't wait so long to end it. The sure sign of a man's commitment is his strong involvement of planning...he is actually physically putting putting money away, talk about how many kids he would like, where you would want to raise kids/live, having family involved etc. A ring on your finger within 2 years with a wedding date set. They say if nothing happens after 5 years, then most likely it ain't gonna happen.

They always seem to be on their best behaviour in the beginning, but when they get comfortable, the ugliness starts to come out and act like they don't care. That's the danger zone. Your gut instinct has been nibbling away at your conscience for two months now. Don't ignore it. You came here for other explanations, advice.....but I would say it's time to fold up your tent and leave this relationship.

Maybe that was his way of getting rid of you. Block this chump.

I think your parents are being a little harsh because you are troubled, and punishing you is only going to make you go down hill even more. Isolating you is going to do more damage, rather than protect you. What they should have done was actually sit down with you and talk this out. You are young, so thoughts and feelings can get confusing. So you vented a little darkness...lots of kids do that but most don't mean it. It's a cry for comfort and support...your parents have missed the mark on that. What you do about this is up to you. You know you need to do it but are you going to? Are you going to risk it? Maybe have some time to think about the consequences, hash out the pros and cons. 

I suggest you take up art or play an instrument to express yourself/ be creative during your time without devices. I think if you show them you can fill your time with positive things, and follow their instructions to breakup with him, you will probably get your phone back. 

next time he starts being all goo with you, you say "Does this mean we are exclusive?" 

8 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Surely you don't mean forcing her to accept a sex act? Giving an ultimatum seems rather harsh and unlikely to achieve a positive response/outcome. 

No, she just needs to be truthful to him. If she can't be open and honest then why be in a relationship. Ultimatum meaning that they may need time apart for her to rethink things about what's happening. He can ask reasonably...don't need to blow this out of proportion. 

Let her walk away. 

You just made a simple choice to adjust to your new situation. Not sure why there is anxiety surround this. My guess you are anxious about you investing so such in someone you haven't met yet. Yes you need to slow your roll before you end up completely disappointed. Dating is a crap shoot...always a gamble, but life would be boring if we didn't take risks. Whatever happens, like things don't work out...so what, The sun rises and sets, life goes on. 

You just simply don't accept her answer and tell her that. If it comes down to it, give her an ultimatum. 

It's good that you got your proof, and don't have to waste another minute of your time. Hope you find peace and happiness.