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Annia

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Everything posted by Annia

  1. I'm not used to snow. I live in a sort of "basement" apartment, so I have to always shovel the snow. I was glad that the snow melted away and it was just rain so I didn't have to deal with this for a whilek. But today it's snowing a lot. Here we go again. I wasn't made to winter in cold lands lol
  2. I just feel that I was convenient to you... just someone to be with and company until you found someone you really wanted. You try to pretend that you care and that you really want me to be happy but I just feel that you simply don't care and that you said the nice things you said just so that I didn't bother you and just so that you could live your relationship with her without me bothering you. So I will do what you want. I won't bother you. I'll go away and you won't even notice I'm alive and well. Be happy with her. Honestly I'm starting not to care. I'm not being that petty... I really want you to be happy and I think that you're nice, but I just don't see you in the same light anymore... you kind of disappointed me. I'll live with that and move on, but you saying we can be friends again because the connection you had was so special is just an illusion and something just to calm me. I don't need that... I'm realistic... it's over, friendship and love.
  3. I know you won't come back. And the more time it passes the more I realise it and little by little accept it.
  4. My problem now is not the urges of contacting him, it's more the urges of snooping his social media (I've deleted him but I still can see some things) and his website. So I'm posting here so that I won't do it. I have a 30 days challenge of no contact and no snooping ahead. Wish me luck lol
  5. Why do I want to win so much instead of living my life? You don't care... you're happy with someone you really like. Why do I want to compete in a game you're not playing? I still can't honestly wish you all the best with her. I'd love to and I'm trying but sometimes pettiness gets in my way.
  6. I keep playing fantasies on my mind about us or you deciding that you want me after all... you know, that holywood unreal type of stuff lol I miss the fantasy I created for us and how just being laid in bed with you made me feel so good and peaceful.
  7. I miss you, or is it the fantasy of you? I wish you happiness though I still feel hurt and my ego is still screaming. You might have hurt me, but you're still an amazing man regardless of that. You taught me so much, you were one of the reasons I started this journey of healing and self discovery, because you exposed me to my traumas and once again my abandonment issues. I want to be the best human being I can be, even if you're not there to see. I want that all my tears meant something, meant that I choose now a different path and that I finally live the life I always wanted to live. I don't want to hate you or be resentful. I don't want to end my love for you... what I want is to transform that love into a love in which I can love you even from a distance and even if you're not the person I wanted you to be. I want to love you, but not romantically.
  8. I've lost count but NC and all this is still to fresh in my mind. Maybe 2 weeks and a half days? Time passes very slow when we're going through this lol
  9. I just miss how we were before... before she came into the picture... before you started to back away from me. Sometimes I miss being in your arms.
  10. I'm steadly reaching my goal of moving on and stop missing you like crazy. I'm finally accepting for real that you moved on and are with the love of your life. Yes, I know you guys just started but I have this feeling that she's the one for you, or you wouldn't jumped into this like this, being the cautious person that you used to be. It still hurts me to know that you're happy in love with her, but each day I accept this more and cry less. I'm moving to another place, and moving on from you will be for the best. And knowing that you're totally unavailable with someone else will make it easier even if it hurts my ego at first. Maybe the universe will cross our paths someday and maybe then things will be different... but I don't hold that hope. If we ever meet again I'll be a different person... and you too probably. I can't look at you the same way anymore. It's naive from you to think we'll ever be normal close friends again. I know you just wanted to make me feel better when you said that. But I don't want to have that hope and it doesn't make me feel better that you say that you're there for me in case I need something... you know that if I need something or I'm feeling sad I won't reach to you. Not anymore. Go be happy with her and thank you.
  11. I'm going to be so resilient and turn my life around so much that if we ever meet again one day, you won't even recognise me. You were more like a fantasy on my mind. You're so special and apparently so irreplaceable to me just because my mind and neediness made you so. You're just a man, a normal one with his wants and desires like anyone else. Yes, you are special in your own way and I'm sure your girl is lucky to have you, but I need to take you off that pedestal and see you for what you truly are. Just a man.
  12. Sometimes I'm so selfish that I wish you and your girlfriend don't stay together. But then I remember that this is the girl you fell for and knew you wanted right from the day you met her while we were still "together" in whatever it was that we had. It just hurts. You say you know that we had was so special that you're sure we'll talk again and become friends... but that's exactly the opposite... I can't be your friend after everything I felt for you. I can't be your friend after feeling so easily replaced. I can't talk to you again like we used to... I can't share things with you. Not only because it hurts but by respect to your girlfriend. I hate that you hurt me and pretend you did a selfless thing... the best for us as you say and that one day I'll thank you and etc. Right now I don't want to thank you because I'm in pain. I cry everyday and it's been almost a month since you found her and ended things with me. I don't want to be petty but I can't... I'm still angry sometimes and today is one of those days.
  13. Part of me still can't believe that you really thought that you were doing the best for us. I think long term it is in fact the best for me, but you acted on your best interest and on what was more convenient for you. I was there holding your hand while you detached from me so that you could than find someone to move on to and really have something special. And that hurts me, and that used to cause me anger, an anger you don't understand. I know I was a willing participant in all this and that we didn't stand a chance but... can't a girl dream sometimes?
  14. I feel empty without your presence. I'm trying to fill that space up, I really am, but it's hard. Sometimes I wish your love, what I never had with you... and knowing that you're living that with someone else hurts, even though I'm leaving to live abroad. I'm always comparing men to you thinking that no one else compares or that I'll never find anyone as interesting and great as you. I'm romanticizing you just because I can't have you. I should be happy for you... but I'm not yet.
  15. I might not feel angry and respect your decision and I know we would never have work out, but I feel so sad today. I miss you, I miss talking to you, I miss having you there for me, I miss not thinking about the future, I miss being in your arms, I miss believing, I miss feeling I was special to you. I hate that all of this makes me feel selfish. I hate that I don't know where my ego and my feelings for you start and end.
  16. I miss you a lot... but I accept that you made this choice and it's ok because it has nothing to do with me. You don't have to cater to my ego or my feelings, you're a free human being. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we'll not, but one day I'll fully accept and move on. I wish you happiness from far away.
  17. It's awful... that's why I now delete their social media. I don't want to know while I'm healing. Good luck!
  18. You said you took things slow with caution and that you weren't the kind of displaying your relationships on social media. Guess what... some weeks later of being with her... lol
  19. I just felt that I held your hand and prepared you for the right girl and right away you took that chance. The woulda coulda shoulda are still killing me and I still miss how we were. But I have to move on.
  20. It's a song by Beyonce... I just felt it summed up how I'm starting to feel. It's this one: [video=youtube;FHp2KgyQUFk] ]
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