bellanoir

I tried to respond below.. my goal is that I want him back, and in the midst of the wreckage am trying to think of the most positive and successful way to do this.

I want him back. I'm trying to figure out the best way to accomplish this.

I felt a "change" in my relationship with my now ex bf, so I brought it up and he interrupted me by saying he was planning on telling me he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and wasn't sure what to do. I became furious he'd withheld that from me and said I was leaving (he lives far away and I was ready to leave to go home). He was shocked I was doing that, and wouldn't let me go, and then started on this whole thing about how we can be friends and for me to just stay the weekend as friends. Naturally, I became even more furious, after a few heated arguments and nothing being resolved I left. When I told him I didn't want to be friends he freaked out, starting crying, etc (but didn't freak out we were having problems...) This was over a month ago. Some emails have been exchanged and he won't answer the phone if I call. I have articulated my feelings better through the emails than I had at the time, both the good and the bad. I am still angry about what happened, but I really do care about him and still want to date him. The distance makes that impossible, and the no phone answering makes communication hard. I invited him up for Thanksgiving and made a couple of other potentially dire mistakes like spilling all of my feelings, both the good and bad (overload). As of this morning, I've decided on NC. Good idea? I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm fairly certain I have overwhelmed the situation. Go me.

I remembered that post on how to get your ex back, and I just re-read it. While it certainly won't work for everyone's situation, I think an important main idea in your advice that will work in any situation is the importance of viewing this as a process and a situation that involves a great deal of understanding. Sometimes it takes people awhile to realize that what they want really is worth fighting for; or, it takes them awhile to realize what they really want and need, period. A person must come to the realization that they want to do it. So must of what you said - like that begging and pleading to try to get them back doesn't work - rings true for that very reason. I'm glad this situation has worked out for you. Most importantly, you seem to have figured out the what and why - the reality of the importance of this person to you - and that this reality encompasses a lot of hard work and patience that sometimes a person doesn't realize while entertaining the fantasy of getting back together with someone. It sounds like you kept your wants and needs in mind during this process, which is important because if you don't stay true to yourself and look at what you need, you may end up eventually blowing everything in the end due to accumulated resentment. I appreciated hearing your advice on this forum and best of luck to you.

My main concern is that he may get together with someone else while "trying to figure things out." Now, here's where a person asks me "Why would you want to be with someone like that?" If he did that, then no, I absolutely wouldn't want to be with him. But I'd still just rather know the straight deal than hold out hope or put myself in a situation where I'd find out something like that third-hand and get crushed. He realizes that I'm someone who requests I hear the truth, so I'm not going to hit him over the head multiple times asking him what's going on. You're absolutely right - if he wants to come back, he will.

No, he didn't leave me for her.

I'm slightly younger than you, but have been there and still am. In fact, I've realized that all the problems in general won't get 'solved' anytime soon, but I can temper and manage them a lot better with various strategies. I don't know your exact issues, but I've dealt with generic relationship, familial, substance abuse, co-dependence problems.. More than that, but you get the point. I've been to Al-Anon and individual therapy. I've worked on developing a support network - people I can turn to for various things during times of crisis. Even with my old boyfriend I didn't rely on him for everything (e.g., all the emotional support I needed). I've found things I'm passionate about doing that make me feel good. It's been a slow and arduous process, but remember to take it slow. And if you don't allready, take plenty of time for yourself to reflect and contemplate.

My ex came a party where he knew I was going to be last weekend. He doesn't get along that well with the girl hosting it, but she invited him and he showed up (she told him I was going to be there). The ex and I had been discussing our relationship via email for the past couple of months and came to some realizations about how strongly we still felt about each other and why the relationship ended. I told him that I didn't want to get too into the discussions or start hanging out seeing as he had a girlfriend (basically, I wasn't going to be an 'out' to this relationship that wasn't working for him). Well, two weeks ago they broke up. Bottom line, we talked for hours past the point of everyone else leaving the party. He ended up kissing me. He told me that he'd told my friend (who was hosting the party) that I was the only girl he ever loved and the only one who'd ever understood him (no, he didn't try to take me home or anything like that). In return, I expressed to him how much I missed him. I know that he's a very sincere person but he's obviously on the rebound and just out of a relationship with someone, even if it was someone he admits to people he didn't love. I told him I didn't want to be an 'out' for him, and well, frankly I don't want to be a rebound either! I didn't hear from him at all this past week, and I believe in my heart that if he really wants to spend time with me or be with me, he'll call. He said last Saturday he'd talk to me soon. Honestly - should I even believe that he might need some time for himself and is trying to sort things out emotionally, or is he just not really interested and using me as a 'backup plan'? I figured I'd give it at most a few weeks, and if I don't hear from him I'm not going to pursue it - he's either pursuing someone else and / or was just going to his ex for comfort and convenience. Yes, I still have VERY strong feelings for him but I'm adamant about not being a doormat and trying to see things for what they are despite myself. I was going to go talk to someone for unbiased perspective about this but my health insurance is on hiatus, so ANY insight or shared experiences would be appreciated!!!

I would keep your options open. Don't rule him out as a possibility in the future, but it sounds like he's trying to distance himself from you because he was hurt. He wants to be friends because he cares about you, and he may truly want to get back together with you in the future, but wants the wound from your last breakup to heal first. Or maybe he's looking around at other possibilities at the moment, as well. In a way, the breach of trust is broken in a relationship when one person breaks things off. It takes time to rebuild the trust. So I'd definitely try to work on rebuilding that trust, but keep your options open for other guys. You could stumble accross someone better during this period.

I would take that as a sign that he hasn't contacted you. I don't know all the details but to me it sounds like he still cares, but doesn't want to get into anything too heavy or serious (i.e., a relationship) again. Do you know if he has a new girlfriend?

First of all, I can't believe I'm posting on an internet forum about a personal problem that's been plaguing me for almost 6 months, since the time my ex and I split. On the other hand, it's too hard to continue talking to my friends about this as I'm tired of hearing the whole "move on, get over it" speech. I ran into my ex over a week ago at a bar. We haven't talked at all since the breakup. He was with his new girlfriend, and I was with a friend of his whom I know (we are not romantically involved). My ex and I were friendly to one another and said hi, but later in the evening, my friend said that we should leave because the ex was uncomfortable. Later on, my friend tells me that he talked to my ex who said 1. He was uncomfortable because I didn't talk to him but yet 2. he was uncomfortable that I was there to begin with. He also asked if there was something going on between the friend and I. To me that sounds like he isn't over me. However.. He broke up with ME, and got together with someone within days of our breakup, according to multiple people. I've been too upset about it to contact him, even though I miss him terribly. Now I'm considering contacting him because I'm tired of hearing things about this situation through other people, and also because I'm CONFUSED. We were supposed to remain friends after the breakup, which I understand doesn't happen right away. So I've given it time, it's been six months. Why is he uncomfortable around me, STILL? We were together a little over a year. Also, I'm wondering if I try to contact him if he'll not want to talk to me, or be glad to hear from me. I'm sick of being this confused. Any opinions appreciated.