neils

And i would say this to her: I know u dont have an explanation cos you cant feel emotions like a normal person.I gave you everything and my life revolved around you from morning to night. Took all your troubles away and put your happiness before anything else in my life. I realise that it was a mistake cos youre not capable of appreciating or seeing the good things. You're never going to find someone who loved you and cared for you like I did. I wish u all the best in life.

Okay im posting here so i get some feedback about the situation cos no one replied earlier. Im having a lot of trouble blocking thoughts about her and a part of me wants her to text or call but i know that would be disastrous because shes an emotional abuser Heres the entire story. There was this girl who i loved a lot and I used to do everything for her and we got physical many times but she was in a relationship. I stopped her many times and told her that i don’t want her that way and i had a lot of love for her but after a point even I gave in (I know i am wrong too) She would relentlessly go on and on and would literally jump on me despite me saying No many times.We were very very emotionally close. She told me about all her problems and she did have a lot of family problems and was abused as a child too so i made it a point to be there for her whenever she needed me irrespective of what i was doing. As we got closer we spent a lot of time and got really close. We would talk all day and all night and text a lot too. We were literally talking all day. All this while she was dating him. She told me that was a namesake relationship but still was close to him. I have been reading a lot about emotional abuse and i think she was subject to it from him. Now coming to the point, She gave me a lot of trouble for not being there once for her because all I said was i will call you in 15 minutes. They then weren’t together and she told me i don’t want a relationship with anyone because it gets complicated.Just a few days before that she said she wanted to be with me. I was fine with it and said okay. She then got back with him after a few months. My friends then stopped talking to her and told me to keep my distance but i never listened to them cos i felt very close to this woman and didn’t wanna abandon her just cos she wasn’t dating me.And once I told her I have to move on from you. She gave me a lot of trouble for all these things. I was blinded so never saw through all this. I felt her need was so huge and she always made me feel like only Im there for her and can be there for her. I assumed since we talked all day and she told me everything, It was true. I never ever doubted what she said. I called her family. We were that close. She would often speak to my mom too on the phone. Now in hindsight, Something i notice is that every time i would go out she would come up with something and do emotional blackmail and be very needy. I happily gave in cos i never thought that she was being manipulative. She threatened suicide many many times because that would always get me very very worked up. I was scared that she would do something, I would always try to cheer her up and give her hope, Most of the time she would be pacified but then she started using that when i would go out also and i would feel very guilty for going out and i had stopped going for birthdays, dinners and all other outings with friends. I never never realised it but i was completely isolated from the world. It never bothered me cos i had her. She then started with this thing that i dont do enough and sometimes im not there for her when i have gone to lengths of staying up till 4am to finish her work presentation and travel to the other end of the city multiple times because she needed me. Since a few months she had stopped opening up to me and told me that i dont get her when infact i would do everything to try and understand her problems. When i asked her to explain what i dont get, she never actually did that.Everyday i would wonder where Ive gone wrong because she would get all my attention and love and care. I tried many times to get things better. I thought i was doing something majorly wrong because she would keep telling me i don’t understand anymore and the fear of losing her was unthinkable at that time for me and i think she knew that.Whenever i brought my fears and discomforts and insecurities she always put me down. Because of this i was always on tenterhooks always wondering if im saying the right thing or not.And she had this thing that she alwasy had a set answer of mine in her head and if i didnt say that same thing she would flip. I didnt understand what i was doing wrong because i was still trying to comfort her all day.I never realized then. Now that I am distanced i see all the flaws. I would say sorry for things that weren't even my fault, when i confronted her with her mistakes she would somehow turn it back onto me and i would at the end be apologizing.I always had to give her constant attention or it would spell trouble for me.There have been times where ive gone for a movie but dont even remember one scene cos she would keep texting and i would feel compelled to reply cos more often that not she would be talking about her problems and i always wanted to be there for her and not let her feel alone. I was very scared of losing her because i honestly felt like it was perfect. Now i realise it was fake from her side. All this while she had me hooked because she would always be leading me on in a subtle way. Recently, I felt she was hiding something, then i guessed that her boyfriend was coming.(He was in another country) I got very insecure and affected and told her u wont be there for me and wont care about me. He infact was coming down. He stays in a different country. This woman put a status on Blackberry messenger for HIM saying that she loves him more than anything. and the very next day she told me that she loves and cares about me more than anything so i was very very confused. I was getting very very affected and my studies were suffering very badly cos all i would think about is her. One morning she told me that she was touching herself the last night when she was talking to me. I was wondering why she would do that and wondered what kind of a girl is she doing that when her boyfriend is in town. That same afternoon she told me that she has feelings for me. I told a friend of mine and she told me that it is best to end this because its in the best interest of everyone. I thought that too but didn't act on it yet. I got suicidal that evening and called her but she once hung up cos she was with him and she told me these words " i don't want your blood on my hands" That did it for me and I stopped talking to her after that. It has been a month and 7 days now and i have come accross your website and it has really really helped me but to be honest i dont know why i keep thinking of her, dreaming of her and missing her. I am truly trying but i miss her a lot. There is a huge huge void because my entire day would go spending time or talking to her. I am not able to focus on anything. Please help me as to what I should do to move on and please reaffirm my decision of not talking to her if that is the right one. I am much better realising what she actually was but now i isolated myself in order to be there for her so now I have one huge void with no one left to fill it. I dont think there's any chance I will initiate communication or entertain it but she had or maybe has this power over me and i always used to succumb to her needs and problems till the day i stopped it completely and began no contact. In this period she has surprisingly called only once. She called from someone elses number so i didnt know it was her but I didnt talk for long. It was my birthday a few days ago and deep down I expected her to call but now I realise that she doesnt truly care about anything or anyone. In hindsight there have been many instances where i can safely say she has been very selfish or hard hearted or self centred but a part of me maybe still holds on to a small belief. I dont want to give her that power anymore. I know i have done something wrong too by aiding her in cheating but trust me i genuinely loved her a lot and my entire life revolved around her till the day i stopped talking. I told her many times that i didnt want it this way and i look at her in a different light and i wanted to be with her and share our lives as one. There was this one time we were talkng dirty she actually told me “U can have me in bed.” I was thinking to myself. I have been literally longing to be with this girl but she wont give me a relationship but she has no problems sleeping with me which i pointed out to her. Obviously i never slept with her because i would be disrespecting my own feelings for her but yes many other things happened physically before that. Please help me out cos i dont want to have weak moments and please help me with the isolation aspect because its the the only thing that i cannot handle and i dont want it to make me msg or call her. Particular instances i want to highlight: I liked her in the earlier years of college and she knew that. After confessing her i broke off contact cos i wanted to move on. We started talking again 8 months later. Within a month she wanted to get physical with me when she was at that time dating the guy. I pointed this out to her. She said nothing. She sent me a text saying i want to kiss you an hour after she was on the phone with her boyfriend and that poor guy was crying due to some of his issues. She always had different rules for me and her. If i went out i had to text her no matter what. If my battery died. I had to take a friends phone and do it cos i had done it once. She threatened suicide many times and said scary things like “your kids will play with my ghost” In hindsight, I feel that she always drifted topics when i opened up about my problems. She used to cut me in the middle of my conversations almost every day. Coming to the point, I obsess a lot and I don’t know how to overcome it. Please help me out.My entire life is at a stand still. I cannot eat cannot sleep and have forgotten the last time i even smiled. May sound corny but she really was everything to me and i don’t know how to get my life back on track.