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Unsure2012

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  1. Quick bio Me:25 him:27 Together 5 1/2yrs with 2 month break about a year ago. So this friend of his i have always had trouble with, they have known eachother for 10 years or so and are not very close, partner has says he just feels bad for her as she has no friends so catches up with her every so often. I have caught her doing very inappropriate, boundry crossing things while i am around. Trying to give him a shoulder rub, trying to hold his hand, when she hugs him she puts her breasts in his face etc. When i pointed these things out to my partner he said "shes had a ed up past she just doesnt know what shes doing" so i had a conversation with her and informed her of the boundreys she is crossing she apologized said she didnt mean it but it kept happening. Fast forward to our 2 month break, partner became very depressed with his job, family and it all became too much he decided to break it off with me. We didnt have a big falling out i just agreed that if thats how he felt then we wouldnt be together, i packed up my stuff and left. Fast forward again to now. We spoke again after two months and spoke honestly about everything spending weeks together just working through all the crazy. He admited that he slept with this girl friend because "she was easy and there". We have worked through everything else and now are happily living together.. All except this girl, i cant get past the betrayal of him choosing that girl after all the times i told him thats what she wanted from him. Its been driving me litrally crazy, i had been checking her facebook everyday and it was getting rediculous. I deleted and blocked her. My partner has always ignored her calls and texts when we are together and hasnt mentioned her for the last year. I was finally starting to feel less crazy about this women. I went away for 2 days last thursday morning. All was great i get home sunday. I was sitting playing a video game and grabbed his phone to use the internet to look something up as mine was dead, something we both do all the time. As i was swipping through the open apps to get to the internet i see a text message from this woman with an address. I click on it and find a message from thursday afternoon that my partner had sent asking what she was upto that afternoon. My heart broke. I went and found him and just cried, the first time we have been apart for more then a day since the break and he contacts this women who he knows i have an issue with. He said he felt bad because she called him while he was driving and she gave him a sad story of how they hadnt spoken in nearly a year and she missed him. So he took her for a four wheel drive and then dropped her home. He didnt tell me because he knew how angry i would get and he didnt want to ruin my trip or upset me. I pointed out that he has broken my trust and made me suspicious when i never was before. I trusted he would not do anything with this women.. It was just her i was worried about. Now im not so sure, by hiding this from me i just dont know what to feel. I told him if he wants to hang out with her, fine. Shes his friend they have been friends for 10 years, i will not be that women that makes him choose. The only things are i will not have anything to do with her, i will not be doing any driving in regards to her and he has to tell me when they are going to hang out. I told him i respect him too much to make him choose and he said that he hates how upset she makes me, that he should respect me enough to cut her out of his life. I told him that is his decicision and i will not infulence him on that. Im just so hurt and i dont know how to move forward. I love him and i do belive he loves me too. Its not a simple situation with a simple answer :/
  2. It is definitely my self confidence being a problem here. We do communicate better and hes always open for a conversation however my self confidence is the problem. I wasnt sure enough in myself to really really talk to him about it because i wasnt sure i had a leg to stand on. I came online to speak to someone on the outside of the situation and gain opinions on whether i was over reacting or not. Nothing like the brutally honest observations of strangers to help figure out situations like this 😂 I realise alot of my problems with this girl are caused by the things she represents. I know in my head that he wouldnt choose to be with me for 4 years (and choose to come back to me) if he didnt find me somewhat engaging and attractive. We spent 3 months figuring out if we still wanted to be in eachothers lives before calling it official. We spent many a night discussing the ins and outs and the problems we had and made comprimises but somehow managed to skip over this issue. I guess in a situation like this it is easy to forget we broke up at all. Its easy to fall back into the exact life we had before the break when in reality we have only been back doing this 6 months.. We do need to remeber that there was alot of hurt there.. He did break my heart and the hurt i felt then is very hard to forget and sometimes the unconfident, scared and sad side of my brain pipes up and reminds me i could go through all that again. I minimized that by making him be the one who choose to come back, but the hurt is still at the back of my mind and still needs time to be worked through. I guess writing my fears out here helps organise the thoughts in my head and enable me to clearly out line the problems.
  3. Hi, so quick reference: - In our mid 20's - Been together 4 years (we decided less then 2 months apart is nothing in the scheme of things) - Great communication and just fantastic relationship in general. - We broke up due to huge work and family stress on his part, he felt overwhelmed and couldnt deal with anything at the time. - While apart we both had sex with other people, 1 for myself and 2 for him. - One of the people he had sex with was a girl I had major problems with before we broke up, lets call her JANE. They have been friends for 10+ years. Dated when they were 15 for 2months - He had sex with her reguarly while we were broken up. - When we began rekindling things and working it out together he told her that the sex was over and that he and i were getting back together. However they would remain friends. So my problem is that I am finding it very hard to remain calm and ok with her being in his life still. The problems i had with her before the break up were that i felt she wanted my partner to be with her. She would constantly remain too close to him, try and hold his had, give him shoulder rubs when i was out of the room etc. My partner believes due to her past(sexual abuse and such) that she just isnt aware that those sort of things are unacceptable behaviour towards a male friend, that she isnt being malicious just ignorant. Fast forward to the break up and they begin sleeping together, my partner says he approached her and that he was lonely and that he regrets that he initiated it. He acknowledged without prompting that he just proved everything i had been saying for months before the break up. Understandably i was very mad at Jane and had refused to respond to her attempts to contact me wondering why i was not speaking to her. My ex(at this time) assured me she wasnt going to try and be with him again and that shes just lonely and has no friends to talk to..he says while he doesnt particually have any interest in her as a person he feels bad about ignoring her and feels like he should see her occasionally because he feels sorry for her. I felt like if i continued to be mad at her that i would ruin any hope in my partner and i getting back together so i compromised and spoke to jane in great lengths and very bluntly explained exactly why i had a problem with her. I told her the exact things she had done that were inappropriate and exactly what i would not stand for if they were to continue being friends, she assured me that she didnt know that she was being inappropriate. Fast forward again to now. My partner and i have been back together 6 months, just celebrated our 4 year anniversary and overall have decided the break was needed to re-evaluate things and now we have gained better skills in communication and are in a much healthier and happier place. I have decided that i simply do not like jane as a person even if you take the sexual history out of the picture. She is immature, plays games with my male friends pitting them against each other for her affections, enjoys drama and simply does not have anything in common with me at all. While discussing with my partner something she had done that really annoyed me i realised i still have alot of pent up insecurities about this women. - She is skinny and has long hair, she looks like every one of my partners previous exs, i dont seem to fit his type at all and cant help but feel like i am unattractive to him. - His attempts to make this easier on me just make me mad. For example one day he told me that so i didnt have to see her he would just take her to the beach with the dogs every couple of weeks -.- - She messages him all the time and he doesnt reply to her while im around but then does message her back eventuality.. Ive seen the texts and they arnt suspicious it just upsets me he feels like he has to hide it from me. - I am still undecided on whether she is malicious or ignorant. I hate that this is still a problem between my partner and i. It is the only thing in four years that has ever been a reaccuring problem and i dont know what to do about it. I have tried speaking to my partner about this however he always gets defensive about her.. He feels the need to protect her and that hurts me. I then feel bad because they have been friends since high school. I dont want to be that women who says their partner cant be friends with someone as thats just ridiculous, he once lashed out in anger and said he just wont have any female friends but her being female is not the problem.. The problem is she is interfering with our relationship and with my self esteem on a regular basis. I guess i just needed somewhere to get the whole story down and maybe get some advice. Thanks for reading this novel if you got this far 😂
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