vagabondme

I think the only lasting attachment I have is to your ghost. I know you are not real, and the only remotely good thoughts I have towards you are ones I lied to myself into thinking in the past. I know better than to contact you. I know that you don't give a crap about me, and that is fine because enough time has passed. I know that you will forever feel victorious, but the truth is, I absolutely knew I never loved you. There is a big difference between insecurity and love, and I knew very early on what an incredibly manipulative individual you were. I made a lot of bad judgment calls, and decided to think the best of you, despite my own discernment telling me otherwise (along with every close friend of mine). I know that I have such a big capacity to love, and truly give of myself and my character to others, and I held back and never wanted to fully be myself to you, because I knew you would let me down and what a shocker...you did. You gained a crowd of clowns, people who will amount to absolutely nothing, and that is fine, because I absolutely know the integrity and morality I possess. I know that people make mistakes but character isn't a skill that can be taught, you either have it or you don't. I have it, even though I momentarily got off track for sometime, it's definitely back. I think there is something oddly deranged about someone having absolutely no remorse for lying to the person they claim to love for so long, and then finding a way to put the blame on them. This is who you are, and you will never change, and I know you will be happy living in ignorance, surrounded by idiots who pump your artificial ego. Surround yourself with people of character, and you will quickly remember the nobody you are. Better not do that. Anyways, it may have taken me awhile, but I can admit now how insecure I was, and freely admit that you are a loser. You can talk a big talk, and even brainwash people into thinking otherwise, but I know you have contributed nothing worthwhile to anyone, and are a nobody and will always be a nobody. I'm not mad, I actually pity how someone can absolutely have no conscience. I don't care what anyone says, one day you will reap what you have sown.

So it's october, and despite all the insanity and stress and fear, with regards to you I no longer feel this grip hold on me. It is over and i'm not fighting it. I actually think that I will never be able to fully view you the same. I think back to all the other traumatic breakups i've had in my life, and realize you are on the list including other bipolar people who ultimately I cut out of my life. There isn't this sense of that though. I think I have just let it all fizzle out with time because I realize that nothing you have ever said was credible, and the moment I chose to ignore my conscience and tune out my inner voice, I knew I was making a major mistake. I just didn't know what it ultimately would cost me. I think i'll always care about you, even though I will never be with you or trust you again. My life is no longer run by hatred of you. What was a gaping,swelling wound, is now a fading bruise. It is weird. I find it still weird how i'm amazed when people call me attractive, or flirt.I'm amazed by my work ethic, when given a chance. I just believe I wasted time on you because you did not appreciate me or my personality, and that was your call. In hindsight I would have never gotten involved with you, and I don't say that with malice, I say that with the knowledge of knowing I completely disregarded my opinions and deep convictions, and tried to convince myself of things I clearly knew were not true. If there is karma or a sense of order to the universe, I do hope that one day you will feel sorry for that. Sorry for trying to convince me of things when you clearly knew they were lies. I know now though what it means to be in a destructive relationship, and quite honestly, it can only go uphill from the mess you left. I know now that I will never put my entire self worth into another person, and I knew better than to do that, but once again was persuaded of otherwise. I know now that different personalities can benefit one another, and even destructive personalities can mistakingly join together for what they think is good. I think that has more to do with your current life, but at the end of the day, you would never learn that or even be open to the idea that you are wrong. Regardless, yea, I'm pretty bruised up, but I can walk...and even if it's a slow limp, at least I have to desire to get up and move forward. I knew these days would eventually come. I knew that I really can trust myself now. I can trust my judgement, because I have always had good discernment of character, and it is only when I was too hard on myself that everything fell apart and I listened to other peoples voices and not my own.I wanted to live a life without regrets, and unfortunately I have many, but today, I stand with more confidence, knowing that even if I want to take risks, I will not allow anyone to take away from my self worth.

It's weird, whenever I give you a chance, or even mentally allow my guard down even a tiny inch, you always blindside me with hurtful actions and words. It's so daft of me, but I am continually amazed by how cruel and blatantly spiteful you are. I just don't want to believe someone would willingly and happily be that way. I don't care if I have my slip up's, I will never stop trying to move forward from this. I know we will never be friends. You threw that out the window with your latest antics, and the past alone should have taught me a lesson. Today I had a conversation with a new girl. She asked about my background and interests. We had a great conversation, and then she stopped and told me "You know, you are a really incredible and interesting person, I respect that." I sort of was dumbfounded and laughed a little and made no big deal of it...but it hit me, you never cared about anything I had to say. You would tell me how I never really fully opened up to you, yet would trail off while I was speaking, looking around at others, checking your phone, being rude and completely uninterested in the conversation. I beat myself up over your rudeness. I beat myself up because subconsciously I knew there was no point telling you anything personal about myself, because I knew you weren't even paying attention to what I would say. I always struggled with a feeling like I wasn't worth what other people were worth. I never expected gifts, or being treated royally or taken out...I never expected any of those things, and you made it clear that I shouldn't. Yet as soon as you dumped me, you lavished others, even before me you lavished others. You confirmed my worst fears, and I don't ever want to feel that way again. Space and silence is what will continue to heal me. You always held those things against me, and now they will be my saviors. I will not leave any door cracked open for you to hurt me again. You will have no place in my life to hurt me again. Likewise, I will stay completely clear of your life, and stay entirely away from you and ever contacting you. It isn't my place whatsoever, you are with someone else, and you have made it clear that they make you happier than I ever did. You have every right to enjoy them, and enjoy the fact that you will never have another chance with me again because of this decision. I always wondered what it would take to get me to completely forget the idea of you and me. This is it. I think seeing how low you have continually stooped, finally struck a chord in my brain that under no circumstances you are to be trusted. I initially felt that way when I met you, and now I know that my conscience and discernment was always valid, and I should have stuck with that. I am coming full circle, back to the person I once was in morals, and I know now I just needed healing. You have really tried to convince me that I am damaged goods and am this evil person now, but the fact is, taking a step back and turning around, walking back to what is right, I know I am that same moral girl. I am not worthless like you tried to brainwash me into thinking. I don't think we will necessarily ever be on good terms. I don't think there is any rescuing what you completely destroyed and abandoned. I forgive your humanity, but I do not forgive you personally. I know you knew what was right, and you chose to convince yourself of otherwise and to be selfish. You think you did the right thing, and I know that you have no remorse about trying to destroy my life. That is absolutely not love, that is selfish, and mean. You are the most mean person I have ever met in my life. I think you will continue to be rewarded in life, despite your destructive and selfish lying nature, but it does not involve me anymore because you will no longer have any place in my life whatsoever. The gig is up, your chapter is finished.

It's almost like clockwork how typical you are, actually how both of you are. But now that i'm privy to it, i'm suddenly...apathetic, it's strange. Knowing that you do this stuff to be vicious and arrogant...knowing I would see it all, I dunno, it sort of grosses me out. Anyways, I don't love you anymore. I don't think you are someone worth fighting for. In the grand scheme of things, we weren't even together all that long, and I know that at the heart of everything, you do have serious underlying psychological issues. None of it really matters anymore anyways, but all this to say...i'm glad I can finally close this book. Definitely didn't see this ending, but you're an idiot, lol. I forgot what a charismatic person I am, and how i have the ability to connect with totally diverse people on different levels. I lost that sense of myself, and what I have to offer. I don't even really have to try, it just comes naturally. You really wanted to break my spirit, and I don't understand why, but on some level, you must give a crap. You always have sought out that people who will look up to you, not anyone who would challenge you. I'm okay with never speaking again. I don't think I could have ever said that in the past, but now I know that you are spiteful and intentionally do things to be mean. I learned so much through all of these experiences.

So I just saw the usual. It has gotten to the point where it is comical. Comical and pathetic. I laugh at how ridiculous you and your people are. Awesome tv shows by the way lol. Thats pretty interesting that they're not friends, but whatever. No one ever told me to wait for you, actually you told me just the opposite, as did everyone else. I chose to believe one day you'd see the light, and things would finally be positive...but that's not reality. It's not necessarily reality as in life will never work out that way, rather, it's your choice to make these stupid decisions and ruin your life. I moaned for so long over feeling I ruined my life, but in hindsight...what relevance do those things hold in the future? none, I knew it was all temporary. I just hate change, and it was shoved in my face. It's weird. When I give up, it sort of feels like you won, but the fact is...you're not worth fighting for, you've lost worth, you've lost this prestige I was fighting to keep, you dropped me to the side long ago, and now that will be done to you. I held on to a lot of good thoughts and memories, but for what? i'm not sure. I've discarded many different people before in my life, and it's weird to have the chunk of time I spent with you now thrown away, but I think I needed to just get to that point for so long. You really weren't worth the fight I endured to keep you in my life. You weren't worth it. I regret the time wasted. I don't plan on ever even telling you that in the future, I don't think you deserve to ever have an explanation of why it all just abruptly stopped. You always knew I would come back, I trained you to treat me the way you did, like complete crap. I constantly forgave, and would run back to you, despite knowing better and knowing full well I was being used. I know in the back of your head you expect to hear from me in a couple weeks, and if you don't either way you don't care. You thought it would never end, that you were just too good for me to ever really let go of. Na uh...Not happening. I found the missing part of myself that is entirely capable of shutting out someones existence. For over a year it never stopped, this month, it did. This month was my beginning. Cycles are perfectly capable of ending, once you really decide that is what you want. I will never forget you, just like I've never forgotten other people and some places and areas are still linked with different memories. But I give up on you. I claimed I would never do that. I just don't think you're worth fighting for. I'd rather find someone better.

I always want to fix things. I always want to somehow redeem the situation, even if i've been treated horribly. The fact of the matter is...i've tried everything I could. I tried to be what you wanted, I tried to be there, I tried to save the situation, and it never worked. I always forget the little details because it's too painful to dwell on. But the fact remains, you abandoned me when I needed you most, and then you full on threw me into the line of fire. I'm hurt, I probably always will be. But it needs to be said...I really just need time. Months. Maybe even years. But probably months. I never really gave up on you, even after all of this time. It is absolutely absurd, but even if I have to lie for the rest of my life...I will. I will never say your name again, I will never bring you up in conversation, because there is no point. I can admit defeat, and if you won, they you won, but i'm not going to dwell on it for the rest of my life. You will have absolutely no connection to me for the rest of your life, because you chose that. You chose to believe the worst about me, and forget anything good about me. You used to tell me you couldn't imagine us not being in each others lives, but I know now that isn't the case. That was a lie. You lied a lot. I need months of silence, just time to figure out myself, figure out what i'm going to do. I am still so hurt and want to fix my broken life, but I can't. That is the part that destroys me, I can't fix what was broken, all I can do is just let go and accept that defeat. I really thought I had the power to change things but I don't. I will stay away. I never successfully was able to. A lot can happen in a year. It is time for me to let go, and live in that silence. I need a lot of time to pass. I need that silence, because there is nothing I could do or say to change anything.

After a year of chasing you, a year of lies you told me, I finally know this is dead and was never meant to be. I hate you for willingly hurting me, and not having any remorse, but I understand as you said yourself "That happens to everyone at some point". It took you 3 days to try to reach out to me, and after 3 days you decided that you'll delete my number and never speak to me again. I never gave up on you for the past 3 years, and yet 3 days was enough for you to decide that i'm not worth knowing. So enjoy your *****, and how happy you are that you cheated on me for her, and know that even though you're a player...I will never be an option again. You sure as hell will never find anyone who is like me, and reality may not ever kick in for you. But that's the one drop of confidence that I still have. I know that there is absolutely no one like me, and that it did not matter to you. I can't wait for the day, probably many many years from now, when you realize that all the shallow stupid selfish decisions you made ruined your life, and you are now stuck with those decisions. I forgive the fact that you're human, and everyone makes mistakes, but most people feel remorse, and therefore you are dead to me. You are not a normal human being with a sense of conscience. You will continue to surround yourself with fakes and meaningless people, and sure everyone is full of hype, but when push comes to shove, what will they really contribute to your life? absolutely nothing. I don't wish you well, and I do hope that someday I have the opportunity to see you face all the turmoil you brought to my life. I'm going to forget I ever knew you, and sure as hell forget I ever dated you. I just have confidence in the long run that the decisions you have made are going to ruin your life. You tried to ruin my life, and I lost everyone in my former life, but I am now rising above, and am going to more than you ever will be. You are empty, all of your words are hype, there is never any substance. I am excited that you can look forward to a future of misery, and you don't even realize it yet. peace