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BeenThere2

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  1. Our situations are vaguely similar, both in our ex's fear/reluctance and in our positions/attitudes. In fact it's only been truly RECENTLY where I've pretty much given up fighting against the current (you want to talk "stubborn"??). We also have a parallel regarding negative influence. My ex has a couple of those so you're in a slightly better position than I am. If your brother's girlfriend has a lot on her plate, maybe that'll limit her involvement? And yes I certainly get what you mean by holding on to false hope. But you're 100% right: there's NO WAY she could be completely over things in such a short time. Obviously there is plenty of denial and avoidance going on right now. At some point she's going to realize that. The impact you've had on her life in all those years will be felt. Hopefully that, along with the changes you're making, will help to steer her back your way. Good luck and I hope you have a nice holiday!
  2. Ok the scrapbook belonging to you BOTH makes more sense then. I still think being there when she's moving out may offer you a golden opportunity to have some deep heartfelt communication, but you are also right: if she's alone when going through everything, this may allow her thoughts to run wild with memories. Hopefully. It's also possible she'll just forge ahead on "autopilot" and get the job done as quickly as she can. I can't see how she could NOT think of things but God knows. I certainly understand your desire to avoid the weak/desperate image and show her you are moving on. I just want to reiterate that I think it's important that she knows you care and wish it could be different. Knowing that you love her but that you accept things as they are is vital I think. It kind of forces her to accept that this split comes down to her and her alone. I'm sure you know this as well, but her focusing on only the bad stuff is obviously her attempt to justify her actions. That's why it's significant that she knows you still care. It'll make it harder for her to hold on to that illusion.
  3. I'm not sure I understand the strategy. What is your end game? On the one hand you've maintained some communication and managed to keep her engaged with the issues at some level. That's good. You've also recently let her know you still love her and care for how she's feeling with yesterday's call, right? Ok so far I'm on board. She certainly seems to be responding positively. Now tomorrow she's coming over to (I'm assuming) move her stuff out of your place? I understand you telling her that you feel it's important that she be allowed her space (unless the original plan was specifically you two doing this together), but I'm curious as to what your reasons are for leaving behind the scrapbooks for her to "decide what she wants to do with". To me that's a fairly harsh slap in the face. You are telling her that these very personal gifts don't mean anything to you. The implication here now is you DON'T care. It's the opposite of what you've been trying to show her. Keep in mind, as you yourself have said, she is someone with low self esteem that suffers from depression. I don't see how this helps the situation. Are you hoping to terrify her back into your arms? To me that sounds cruel. What's more is that will only be a temporary solution. You can't manipulate someone into wanting to be with you. So unless I've misinterpreted your plan, I don't agree. Personally I think you should soften your approach. If you still feel the space thing is important, tell her you were thinking that perhaps she'd be more comfortable going through everything herself and you can make yourself scarce until she's done. Make it a question so she can decide how she wants to do it and make certain she feels that you are completely ok with it either way. If she wants you there, be there for her. You don't have to kiss @$$, but DO be nice and supportive. Show her your strength. This could work to your advantage as well because there will likely be a lot of memories and emotions stirred up so this will be another opportunity for communication. If you want her to know you are moving on, that's fine too but personally I think you should leave her with the knowledge that you DO love her, you DO care for her, you DO want to work things out but you also understand that things are as they are right now and you accept that. Look I am by no means an expert, so take my advice or leave it. I just don't see the advantage to playing games if this is someone you want in your life on a permanent basis.
  4. I think it was an excellent thing to do. Everything about a healthy relationship involves good communication. She may have gotten frustrated at certain points, but it sounds to me like she was very receptive to sitting down for a talk. The fact that she could openly admit to and discuss her lying is VERY encouraging in my mind. I think you're doing the right thing. Being direct and honest with your discussions without being pushy seems to keep her willing to communicate. Give her time and space to digest everything. Maybe in a few days she'll reach out again. My main concern is her lying when things aren't going smoothly. I mean let's face it, no long term relationship will always run smoothly so this is something you'll have to contend with if you two work things out. Do you think eventually she'd be open to seeing a therapist about all this?
  5. I apologize, I DO remember reading your story (see page #214 entry #2139 for my response). I have no experience dealing with someone who is clinically depressed, but my opinion is that she is extremely confused. It's likely that the stress of the fertility/adoption process was greatly compounded by her illness (if that's a proper term?). That very possibly could be the entire root of the breakup. At the very least a catalyst. Could her telling her friends that it's over be a defense mechanism? Yes but it's difficult to say with certainty. Maybe she meant it when she said it but I don't think that's important. What I think IS important is recognizing her current state of mind. Considering her medical issue and her highly uncharacteristic behavior, I'd say it's very obvious that she's confused and emotionally distraught. That said, I wouldn't give much credence to what she's saying right now. Emotions and opinions fluctuate with all of us, but particularly with someone who is so emotionally damaged. Was she admitting to you that she's confused during your talk? I'd say absolutely. I think talking to her calmly the way you did was exactly the right thing to do. I personally think if you are hoping to work things out with her, keeping the lines of communication open is vital. Yes giving her the space she asked for is important, but strict NC isn't the best approach here in my opinion. Sure she may have told you during the breakup that she doesn't want to see or talk to you unless absolutely necessary, but it seems to me that the Saturday event was her reaching out a bit. Certainly she had an impulse to make some sort of minor contact. All of this fluctuating behavior shows that she's confused/unsure. Don't pressure her in any way, but don't close her out with NC either (unless your intention is to walk away from her for good of course). If she "bumps into you" again, or contacts you in any way, feel free after the fact to send her a tiny little message "It was nice seeing you. Hope you're doing well" (or something like that). Just let her know you're there and you care.
  6. Well your Saturday experience aside, she broke up with you and said she does not want to see or talk to you unless absolutely necessary, correct? If that's the case then respect that and DO NOT give in to the impulse. It'll pass. Just write out your frustrations to us here. Unless you've already done so, go into a bit of detail about the relationship and the breakup. Why did she leave and why did she claim to want to not see or talk to you at all?
  7. I completely agree. There's no real plausible explanation other than she wanted to see you. Obviously this doesn't solve anything or means she's necessarily ready to work things out, but it DOES prove that she's clearly not done with you. I think how you reacted was perfect. Leave it at that for now and see what she does next.
  8. 100% true. I've had the majority of my exes come back over time to see if there might be a second chance. I guess that grass isn't so green once you get a good look at it.
  9. That's really the best thing you can do right now. Just accept things as they are at this moment and move forward. Thankfully it was only 2 months and not several years. You'll do fine. And honestly, who knows what lies around the next bend? Anything can happen. Believe me, when she sees you're over her and have moved on to some new cute girl, she may very likely start to second guess her decision.
  10. Well it sounds like the romance was a very brief one, and to be honest, at her age it's very common for people to be fickle and unsure about what and who they want. I don't know if either of you are in school or not, but college is also generally the time when many people feel they need to be free to see what else is out there. On the plus side, it sounds like the two of you have a friendship as your foundation so that means there's more to it than just 2 months of dating. Unfortunately, the truth is she wanted to end things. Whether there's someone else she's interested in or not is not overly relevant (although it FEELS relevant I know). The bottom line is you don't have much of a choice. You can either hang on and hope that something will develop between the two of you again, or you can cut your losses and move on. Personally speaking, given your age and the brief tenure of the relationship, I would advise you to move on. You have TONS of time ahead of you to meet the right girl. And who knows? Maybe somewhere down the road after you two have grown a bit you might meet up again and have a second chance at things.
  11. I guess it depends on your intentions. Do you want to put her behind you and move on? If so then yes NC is what you need to do. If, however, you are hoping to work on things with her and reconcile at some point, cutting off communication is a big mistake in my opinion. In a "normal" situation, where infidelity crops up in a long term relationship, it generally signals that there are unresolved issues and a breakdown in communication. In your situation you have the added difficulty of dealing with a woman who has been diagnosed with depression. I have no experience with anyone who is/was clinically depressed, so I'm afraid I can't help you there. However, if your intentions are to hopefully reconcile with this woman one day, or even just to help her, communication lines need to remain open. At this point what is her attitude towards you? You can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to, but you CAN be there if she initiates. The choice is yours and, as I said, depends on what you're trying to do. I'm sure, having lived with her condition, you know a thousand times more about depression than most of us, but is there someone close to her you can talk to? Friends or family? If she won't give you answers, maybe someone close to her can give you an idea about what this is all rooted in. As for her odd behavior and the guy she's with now? Yeah it sounds very much like a rebound situation. THIS I have experience with. It's an attempt to disengage from you and numb the pain at the same time. Complete avoidance of the problem. There's no way of guessing how long it will last, but your main concern is to understand where this is all coming from. You need to know all that before you have a hope of fixing things (this is of course assuming you aren't looking to leave everything behind and move on). Have you experienced any similar situations with her in the past? Has she ever broken things off before, or even threatened to? How has she behaved in the past when she is off medication or going through one of her episodes (forgive my terminology)?
  12. What's the point of NC? If you want to move on and forget about her, then that's the way to go (obviously seeking daily updates is counter-productive to that). However, if you want to get back with her, NC probably isn't the best way to go about it. Particularily since you are getting one-sided updates from FB or wherever. If you want to rebuild anything with her, you need to have some line of communication open. Relationships DO need room to breathe but they also need communication. Just my opinion. Is she receptive or has she completely shut you out?
  13. It doesn't sound like a mistake at all. I think ending things lovingly will leave a lasting impression. She knows how you feel and she knows why you can't stay in touch. Nothing at all wrong with the way you did it.
  14. These emotional ups and downs are all perfectly normal. You'll feel worse before you feel better I'm afraid, but you WILL feel better. You're going through all the same emotional thoughts and feelings I went through (and STILL do to some degree...and it's been over 9 months!). It's just the long painful process towards healing. That said, if you feel you need to still try and fight for him, then try to approach it logically for a minute. What will you need? Well to start with, eventually the lines of communication need to be open. I don't mean diving in right now and begging him to start over, I mean just friendly occasional communication that could develop into something more. Is he accepting? Do you know what his feelings towards talking with you are right now? Have any of your mutual friends given you any indication that he WOULD be open to talking? If you get that settled, that's one step down. Next, do you have any idea how this new relationship is going? It's relatively new so he'll likely be in that blissful beginners stage for awhile. Is this something you can handle? Do you want to try and wait it out? You can't do anything about it, and if you try, it'll likely blow up in your face. Decide what will help your cause or hinder it. I think the less you know the better, but that's just my personal feeling. My advice would be to sit back and seriously analyze the situation and decide what you really have and what you really want. If you still feel there's enough there to fight for, and you're willing to stick with it and risk additional hurt, then go for it. At least you'll know you gave it everything you had. But I wouldn't contact him directly without some assurance that he's good with it. Several weeks ago when you showed up in his building he had a negative reaction. Is his outlook basically the same (ie; you're seen as "interfering") or has his outlook softened? You don't want to come accross as pushy and clingy. See what friends you can trust have to say. Try and use less intrusive means like Facebook to keep the lines of communication slightly open for now. Post things that might make him laugh or smile, but don't be overly obvious right now by posting things about you and him! Just let him see your personality and the things he always loved. A picture of your hot little bod in that more revealing gym attire might make his head spin! Just don't be TOO obvious. Lastly, NC is NOT a tool to coax someone back. It really isn't. So if that's your intention (and let's face it, at this stage it probably is) forget about it. NC is all about helping you move on and heal. If you're not there yet, and you want to take the risk (I did too), then think about what you can do. Think SMART. Hope this half-assed post helps (I'm at work so this is probably a mess)! Contact me through messaging if you prefer.
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