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Everything posted by Pleasedonot5

  1. Yes, I agree with @Wiseman2. You are probably entitled to child support from him. How you go about getting child support depends on the law of your jurisdiction. As for kicking him out within a certain time-frame, his tenant rights likely depend on the laws of your jurisdiction. Consult a lawyer for both issues or, if that would be financially difficult, at least look up some law firm blogs online in your state/province/country before taking any action. Next time he tries to reconnect or reconcile, do not let him, lest this situation repeat itself a third time. Also, be more cautious before letting those who are not going to stay long-term live around your children. But for you letting someone who previously abandoned you move back in after a couple of months, this situation would not have repeated itself and you would not be wondering whether you should kick him out. Another point. He has gotten you pregnant twice. Are you both using protection (e.g., condoms) and doing so properly? Probably not. Talk to your doctor about how to take appropriate steps to prevent pregnancy when it is not the case that both partners want it to happen. This advice may help you avoid situations where you have to raise a child alone in the future. -- Last. I recognize the above advice is said with candor, but I am posting for your benefit. You deserve compassion. I am sorry that situation happened and that you are going through this once again. I do not envy your position and hope everything works out for you and your children.
  2. Alright, and then she said she needed space? Okay, then give her the space she has requested.
  3. I understand. So you either send one message which details what I recommended, or you remain silent. I do not think it is disrespectful to send one serious message to apologize and detail what you have done to rectify the situation, then give ample space.
  4. Yeah, OP. I echo the others. Put bluntly, you messed this up. The best thing you can do is apologize with more than just your words. - Swear off alcohol or resolve to limit drinking to one or two drinks at a time. You have thrown all bottles away -- good. - Delete your ex-girlfriend on social media / phone / wherever else. - Let your fiancée know you have taken these actions. Tell her that you are very sorry for last night: you acted awfully and being under the influence made it worse. You do not have feelings for your ex -- just for your fiancée (her). You have taken the above actions because she is very important to you and you want to ensure a night like that would never happen again. Then, if she does not respond, or she responds that it is over, give her space for an indefinite amount of time and move on. -- Hope this helps.
  5. It is incredibly disrespectful that your partner stormed off to this other guy in the middle of your fight, yes.
  6. I can speculate several possibilities from what you have told us. - She is unsure about your feelings for her and said that out of insecurity. - She is non-monogamous and trying to see if you would be okay with seeing others too. - She is trying to find an exit from the relationship. Maybe that was a subtle break-up or lead into one; or - Cultural barriers at play: perhaps she meant something completely different by it. -- Point is, all we can do is speculate. Given that you know her way better than we do, OP, your speculation is probably closer to the truth than ours. My advice is to communicate with your partner. Just reaffirm your pov: you are interested in the relationship. Then, ask her why she said that: it has been bothering you a little since she said it. You will have a better idea after that conversation.
  7. Hey, OP. You said there are no new messages, calls, or emails. This means he has not been in contact with her -- unless he is adept at hiding it. However, her number is still there. That probably means he never took the active step to delete her number the first time. When you found the infidelity back then, what ground rules were established moving forward? The expectation was probably that he should not be in contact with her again: no meetups, no calls, no messages, etc. But was it expected that he delete her name from the contact list in his phone? If so, of course, still having it there breaks the rules. If not, he may just not have thought deleting the contact info was expected or necessary. The reason I am coming about this in a different way than other posters is because I still have numbers of people with whom I have had fallings out. Ex-gfs, old flings, even the number of a recent date who disrespected me in the bedroom. Yet, I don't plan on calling or texting them moving forward. Keeping a number doesn't mean anything to me. In my eyes, it is just stored information. The only difference between having or not having a contact saved in one's phone is that if the subject person calls or texts, the recipient will probably know who it is. -- Hope this helps.
  8. This is great, OP. She will probably decline the friendship or be evasive on that point. If you want it, though, I'll be the squeaky wheel here: one should not hide their feelings or mask their intentions. If it helps -- the last time I had a situation like this, I said: "Hi [name]. I thought our last date was great, but I did not feel the full spark I am looking for in a long-term relationship (...). I had fun but I hope you understand. :)" She responded positively and thanked me for going out with her. Said it was fun getting to know me. -- Hope this helps.
  9. It is ridiculous how one's confidence can be shattered -- insecurities abound -- from one particularly demeaning or toxic experience in bed. It understandably effs one up to have a long-term friend and love interest laugh at you, tell you essentially that you are bad, and then lose all interest in you from one bedroom experience. Because of that, these last few days it has been difficult to reinforce my confidence. I've been sitting here, kind of depressed and insecure, wondering if my past partners didn't enjoy it either. Maybe it will help to list out counter-examples (in general details - no need to blind my readers) - ex-gfs, especially the most recent one, loved it - someone in college told me it was me and maybe one other guy in her past who could make her feel that good; I know she wasn't just saying that. - I remember another person in college who very frequently enjoyed when I helped her out like that - current fwb says she enjoys it - I'm sure there are more; just experiences that imo seemed to reinforce that I'm at least capable in that department. And I'm just thinking, too. I've had some go down on me, and it was alright, or sometimes, even not very good. But that never shattered my interest in someone I cared about or liked. You just tell the person what you like and carry on (or even, stop for the time being, carry on later). K obviously didn't care for me like that, hence the belittling laughter and desire to never do anything again. The interest must not have been there to begin with. This frankly awful experience isn't a reflection on me, my worth, or even my overall skill/attractiveness. Logically, that makes sense, and I am a logical person. Despite that, though, I am having considerable trouble convincing myself of that logic deep down.
  10. Your essay is due at the end of the week. APA citations and footnotes, please. Just kidding. OP, no one expects a dissertation. I understand you have love for him. However, you are clearly struggling in this relationship. You have even set an end-date. So, my question was to get you to think about what good qualities he has in earnest. If you answered with very few substantial positives he brings to you and the relationship, perhaps you would have a better idea about just how well the relationship is working for you. You do not need to justify your relationship to me, but if you cling to vague "he is a good partner in other ways" and then react defensively when asked for specifics, maybe you are worried there are not many good qualities? I could be wrong. Of course. I / we are on your side and just trying to help you. It can be difficult to be challenged by posters on ENA. I know that very well, because I felt that I laid myself bare on my recent thread. Then, I was criticized. But, keep in mind that we are posting on ENA for your benefit. We all want to help you and just have different ways of going about it.
  11. Without a better detailed pattern of examples, I agree that "abuser" is a bit strong. But when you, anon, fixate on the one word "mean," you miss the larger context. "Deep down, you are a mean person" is different than "you're (acting) mean." The former is an insult directed at the core of a person. It aims not to express frustration but to bring someone down. Imo, it shows a lack of respect and regard for one's partner. It is not okay to talk to a partner like that.
  12. Hey, ScaredofSpiders. The drinking started out fun, but ended up with you both continually having arguments. I think I missed the part where you both definitively agreed to an open relationship. When you discussed this initially, did you both reach a serious agreement or was it left up in the air? Because after that conversation, your partner and you were arguing, and then they stormed off to sleep with someone else. If there was no actual agreement, that is infidelity. Either way, listen: I think open relationships are fine, but not when one partner uses it as a vindictive tool. Even if your partner was not unfaithful, they used the "openness" of the relationship to gain one-up on you. Unless I misunderstand something, your partner mistreated you here. Then, the recent incident. It was a silly argument. But, you were both drunk. You both escalated the argument. Neither of you backed down. Your partner looked for their keys and you tried to stop them. Your motivation was probably reasonable: you did not want them to drive drunk. How you acted was a different story. I go back and forth with just how culpably you acted. On one hand, you have no right to confine or restrain someone like that: especially not in the way you did it: yelling, grabbing, and pinning. On the other, depending on how inebriated they were, they could have presented a major danger to themselves and the public. Further, what they were going to do is probably considerably illegal where you live. Your actions might have been more justifiable if you hid the keys, simply stood in front of the door while trying to talk them down, or took some other action of that sort. But you went over the top and, while drunk, you pinned and screamed at your partner. Anyway, although your partner was culpable in this too, you clearly crossed one of their boundaries or limits. The relationship looks to be over. And honestly, given their infidelity and the rising toxicity levels between the two of you (you do not bear all the blame for this), I think it is best for you to let this person go. If there is to be any possibility of reconciliation, you both have items to work on. - Cut the weekly drinking or limit the amount you drink. If one of you drinks a lot, keys must be surrendered (or other precaution). - Resolve to set unequivocal boundaries in your relationships when discussing what is acceptable and what is infidelity. No ambiguity or joking because you're nervous about what your partner may think. Some rules that might be appropriate for an open relationship are (1) no abusing the openness of the relationship; i.e., one partner should not go have sex with another to get back at their partner for an argument, (2) any people that are off limits, (3) std protection / testing; and whatever else. -Seek out advice or counseling for communicating better and controlling anger during arguments. As for how your (ex-) partner feels, they have said you scared them and they are not sure they can get over that. I don't think they hate you but I think you both crossed some boundaries in your relationship. The best thing you can do in my opinion is work on yourself and give space. Express your openness to fixing what went wrong (with definitive actions) and reconciliation if that is what you want and if it helps you heal. But either way, you should go no contact to heal and move on. -- Hope this helps.
  13. Career / School Related. My law school semester ended. I gave a final presentation (which was pretty solid). I finished up my last two externship tasks. I crammed for an exam (ironically, it is the only time I procrastinated readings then crammed: the class is called Professional Responsibility. Go figure, lol). Anyway, I did end up learning the material and I think I did well on the exam (we are graded against our peers). I would not be surprised if I earned an A (~top quarter of class). I was elated to be done with the summer law school work. The work this summer really started to weigh on me. Relationship-Related. Incorporating my last thread starting at this post. So, things turned sour with K. She disrespected me and made me feel awful. I stood up for myself, which is good. Still, this was a let-down and admittedly, when an attractive person laughs at you and tells you you are bad in bed during the act, any ordinary person would have their confidence shaken. I will admit I've been trying to work through ruminations, like what if previous partners were just pretending? It did not seem that they were. But, perhaps this is natural given what K said and how she said it. Oof. At least, I know she is not the right partner (come on, who treats others like that?) and I am no longer interested. I am free to find the right person now. I hope I do not end up in a situation (all dates included) like that ever again. Maybe there is a better way of telling what someone will be like before I pursue them. Or, maybe there is no clear way to tell: one simply has to roll with the punches. Misc. I wanted to share something for which I am grateful. Content warning: suicide. Last night, an old friend/acquaintance sent me a snapchat photo of himself having fun with some guy friends at a bar. In college, I stopped his suicide attempt. Someone said so-and-so was not doing well, so I went to his dorm to check on him. He was drunk and distraught. At one point, me trying to talk him down, he moved at himself with a knife. I had to physically restrain him. Here I was, at 18 or 19, restraining an amateur boxer who had a knife for around 15 minutes. Then, his roommates returned, found us, and they were able to help. They called the police (I had no free hand), and the police took him to the hospital. Judging by the after-midnight photo of him - huge smile - enjoying himself with guy friends at what looked like a bar, he is doing alright. He would not have had that night had I not intervened correctly. This is something weird to write about, even now. But, it helps me remember I put some good into the world. It reminds me that I am capable of generating even more good for others; this reminder is especially nice when I am feeling somewhat worthless or drained. In a bit of poetry, my friend sent the photo to me just as I was feeling that way: I had just posted about K and last night. I am not suicidal. But maybe he saved me in a way with that picture, even though he does not know it. I hope my old friend/acquaintance is doing well in earnest and that he continues to smile that big smile of his.
  14. All great replies. Yes, I agree that I dodged a bullet. And now I know the "what if" scenario with her and it is not for me. I no longer want her as a romantic partner. Last night's disrespect obliterated the interest I had in her. So that is the silver lining. What is not so good is that my confidence is a little bruised; pride too. And I have worries. She might tell mutual friends she thought I was bad in bed. Or, knowing her, she may still try to flirt or dance with me when that is absolutely not what I want. These things are possible and I do not know the best way to handle them. Rebuffing her is the obvious solution to the dancing problem, but I do not want a scene either. Edit: perhaps I am just speculating. I will probably deal with any such situations if they come up, reasonably.
  15. Hey, OP, you should not feel guilty. He imposed upon you in a very forward, unsettling, and creepy way. You could either tell him "It is weird that you sent me those unsolicited pictures. I am not interested." Or, you could simply not respond and block the number. Do not otherwise comment on the pictures, and without more, you do not need to do anything further. If he escalates the behavior, then consider contacting law enforcement. Ultimately, I agree with this advice:
  16. It is fine that you feel that way about your exes, OP. But you are not going to find the reassurance you want from us here. Most or all of us do not agree with what you did and feel bad for your (former) friend. However, simply stated, right or wrong, your actions have caused you to lose a friend. Acting similarly in the future will most likely lose you other friends. That is simply the reality of the situation.
  17. So, like over five years ago, I started probably what was my best relationship to date. "E" and I became somewhat intimate on date three. It felt natural though -- like we had known each other for so long already. We became exclusive shortly afterward and all was well for a long time. I may have treated this situation the same way -- but in fact it was different. It was not as natural. I acquiesced to someone and fear of messing up instead of following what felt natural. Of course, the thought of sex with K was a nice one. But, like I said: rushed, not natural. I am willing to wait and I usually do not want to rush anyway. I would (and have) waited before. Obviously, I did not initially plan to rush in here (see: the prior date). But then it happened last night for a variety of reasons described above. I guess I saw this scenario as the reverse of waiting. I thought, "if our intentions are aligned and she puts a higher value on sex early, then oh, well this is just her, let's have fun!" Well, we saw how that went. Eek. Thank you for the thoughtful and compassionate reply.
  18. Hey, OP. Your (former) friend's accusation may have been unfounded. However, she is not wrong to feel upset with you. I do not think she acted childish: she is obviously hurt that you are dating her ex. How long ago did they break up? Moving forward, you should understand that, in most cases, dating a friend's ex will end the friendship. It therefore becomes a value judgment: do you value the friend or the potential romantic endeavor more? Here, you chose the potential romantic endeavor, and your (former) friend is now hurt. Give her some space, and do not call her childish. She is understandably hurting while you benefit from her discomfort. Hope this helps.
  19. OP, the right person would not attack your person like this. He neither honored nor respected you in that moment. The right person would never say something like this to you. Franky, I think saying something like this is even worse that someone yelling and cursing. Just my opinion. Responses to reasons to stay. This feeling is not supported by the facts you have presented to us. Yet. There are indeed stronger connections out there for you. Which other ways? When a relationship does not work out, we all fear being alone forever. Saying these things can be self-deprecating and funny. I feel this way too, except I'm thinking about my own private island, lol. But, kidding aside, you know this likely is not what would happen. You would most likely find someone else. Yeah, that sucks. I miss my ex's family and animals. They were nice people and pets, respectively. Still, you are not in a relationship with them; they cannot form the basis on which you decide to stay. Like you said, you can do it. Financial security is not a sufficient reason to stay with someone long-term. Of course you love him: you have a long history together. But love and history are not sufficient to stay in a relationship that is not working. Reasons to consider breaking up. You are constantly doubting the relationship. Your gut and intuition tell you it is not right for you. You doubt the relationship so much that you set an "end date." If it does not work by X date, you will break up. I am only 26, but I have never had a relationship that ultimately worked when I have set an end date like that. He was not just irritated about your complaining about the item you bought, which would have been fine. He did not support your venting. Additionally, he did not just handle it inappropriately or yell; he insulted your character, which is worse in my opinion. He disregards your desire to communicate about things he said which hurt you, instead making it seem like you should not talk about it. I am glad that he eventually apologized. You two do not seem to communicate well. He turned your attempt to vent and relieve stress into something more stressful. He belittles, mopes, and acts like you are wrong for feeling hurt, instead of communicating in a healthy way. You have said that he is so stubborn to the detriment of the relationship.
  20. It is all pretty bizarre in retrospect, isn't it? What a weird situation I put myself into.
  21. Haha. Yes, I think you are right. Thankfully, I do not have future plans to compete at this time. That said, with social dancing I will dance more with other people.
  22. Thanks. I am telling you that I wanted (past tense) a romantic relationship with her. Of course, I like sex. Who doesn't. Those two things aren't always mutually exclusive. I figured "well, ok, she puts a lot of focus on sex. Cool." Thankfully, the next dance event is not until next month. Still, I am not looking forward to that. Thank you. I have had disappointing sexual encounters too. I reckon neither of us resorted to belittling or disrespect for the sexual partner, even if it did not end up working out. Anyway, you are right. The right person will be sexually compatible and will not treat me like that. Yes, I will not be pursuing this anymore. No ands, ifs, or buts.
  23. I responded to this in my last post. I understand what you mean. I am my own person. Of course I am. I said "I followed her lead" because Wiseman kept saying I was sadistically hurting someone who was vulnerable. My point there showed support [edit] that that was not the case. I wanted a long-term relationship. My crush told me let's leave, and we did. And there were concerns last date about rejecting her. So, I did not want to do that again. Of course, I also wanted sex. I figured that a relationship would not happen if she continually felt let down. Well, looks like she was let down again anyway. Fine, but she did not need to belittle / disrespect me like that. I am glad I stood up for myself and stopped the encounter after she did that.
  24. So, the thing is, we had known each other for a while. So, asking someone you know somewhat well for coffee can be a little lame. I understand through posting here that having what turned out to be a "first date" at my place was a bad idea. I did put in a lot of effort in cleaning and preparing a nice meal. It created, however, an expectation of sex in her mind. Meanwhile, the "first date" made me pump the breaks with regard to sex. So, things became weird. I understand that it seems like we were pursuing a sexual relationship, but I am telling you I wanted a long-term romance. I do not mind if my partner ends up wanting to have sex more or has a higher libido or something. I wanted a relationship (no rush), she said she wanted the same thing. It seemed like she had a different idea about how early we should have sex or how much it should happen. And look, if intentions were aligned, and then your attractive crush tells you, "hey, let's leave and head to your place ;)" -- and you'd received advice that you were acting in such a way that you had rejected your crush / caused the weirdness on the last date -- it starts to make sense why last night happened. In retrospect, this whole situation was full of mixed-messages, was confusing, and was not going well. Moving forward, well, I don't know. I won't let this exact situation happen again.
  25. I did not ask her to leave because she wasn't enjoying it. I asked her to leave because she laughed at me and told me I was bad in bed in a disrespectful way during the act. That was wrong. If I didn't stop after that, I wouldn't have had any self-respect. You clearly were not there but I've never felt disrespected like that before in the bedroom. I am telling you that I had romantic interest in her. I am telling you in my opinion, she wasn't into her last relationship anymore. I followed her lead with regard to dates and wanting sex early. It is difficult to call her a vulnerable, helpless party here when she is making most of the advances and then laughing at people in bed. Just because two people discuss what they like before the act doesn't mean either need to join a kink community. But yep, you caught me. My whole game here in trying to find love with someone whom I'd crushed on since meeting her, who turned out to have a focus on sex, was actually just to intentionally hurt her. /sarcasm.
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