austin

Oh about her starting a sideline - she is focused on me because my skills and education make my potential greater. She's an educator. I am a technical professional with entrepreneurial experience.

No, I'm not sure now. Before we got married I asked her to be sure that she would be satisfied with our money situation. A few days later she told me had taken my question seriously, had soul-searched and was satisfied that she would not become disappointed on that score. I believed her.

We are 50 y/o professionals looking to retire at 60. My wife says she won't be happy at retirement with the income we expect. She's looking to me to generate more income by starting a sideline business now. I am pretty happy with the retirement picture and I enjoy living in the moment rather than discussing ways to make more money. This is a huge polarizing impasse. I resent her expectation of me. She resents me for not being eager to plan to make money. This sounds petty, but I am afraid our differences on this subject are going to ruin our marriage. Any advice?

Thanks for your responses. In answer to your questions - Yes, this could be her emergence from rebound needs. As time passes she seems to be getting more and more remote. I think many of my qualities appealed to her when she was feeling wounded and hurt, but now that she is healing, I annoy her more and more frequently - not by any specific act, but by just being me. The "logistical problems" she mentioned had to do with getting the wedding invitations printed. She was on vacation for several weeks during the Christmas holidays. She wanted to select the invitations and make the printing arrangements. I asked her about it several times and she gave me plausible but vague answers as to why she was procrastinating. At the end of the holidays, she said she wanted to postpone the wedding because she didn't get the invitations done. I said ok, but when I tried to talk to her about setting a new date she was evasive. You are right in saying that I am tied up in knots - I get enough positive feelings from the relationship to keep me encouraged, and she says she loves me, but I can't understand why she is so harsh in her criticisms of me, especially since the criticisms go to traits that I value in myself. Last night I tried repeatedly to get her to talk to me about the areas where our personalities don't resonate. I didn't get defensive or act hurt or blame her, I just wanted her to talk about her feelings about my "female qualities", my narrative style, my goofy sense of humor, but she wouldn't talk. She just said she didn't want to substantiate conclusions I have drawn for myself. I pointed out that I drew the conclusions from her own words. The conversation faltered at that point. I told her I am uncomfortable because there are so many areas where we are not resonating, and that I have concerns about compatibility. I told her I would like to take a break to get some clarity. She said she is sure she would withdraw emotionally from the relationship if we take a break. This really makes me sad, because she is a good woman and I love her, but I am not willing to ignore the very troubling signs in our relationship. I am getting mixed messages that I suppose may be written off as typical pre-wedding cold feet. My inclination is to err on the side of generosity - I am not suspicious by nature, but I am having a hard time seeing this a "logistical problem" or as normal pre-wedding doubt. I am really concened about my well being in this relationship because my personality seems to grate on my partner and I can't get her to talk about it. I have decided to take a break - no contact, no dates. If she withdraws, I'll accept that.

I recently became engaged and set a wedding date. My fiancee postponed the wedding because of "logistical problems" getting the invitations out. She had been acting detached before the postponement. I found the following post on our computer from her discussion group. After reading it I became concerned for a couple of reasons. First, because I had tried to initiate a conversation about the subject of her post - she wouldn't talk. Second, the post explains her frequent irritation with me and makes me want to run away from the relationship. I am so heartsick I want to just leave. Am I overreacting? I am in a new town and I do not have friends here to talk to. I will appreciate any advice. Here's her post: Dream come true..........so why am I picking him to death? I have decided I don't like his sweetness, the way he laughs, his goofy sense of humor, his 'female' qualities that are probably the reason he does all the wonderful things he does, his southern style of story telling..............I am embarrassed and feel terribly childish to write this because it all sounds so petty. Why would I be doing this? Is this sabotage or inner being talking? OK I am guessing you will all say your inner being doesn't talk like that.But why are red flags waving that this isn't the man for me? And yet Iknow that since being with him I am more calm, centered, purposeful. (Life had been made chaotic by divorce 2 yrs. ago) I am beginning a book of positive aspects today for him. But I don't want to talk myself into something. Anyone have insight? Thanks, x

Realitybites, I appreciate your interest and I thank you for helping me sort this out. She's been divorced a couple years. When we started dating I had been single for about eight years and she for a year. I had serious concerns that this was rebound for her. We talked about it before we started dating and I told her I wanted to wait six months or so before dating. She assured me that the marriage (and her feelings about it) was over long before the divorce, but she agreed to wait. She called me six weeks later. She sounded good and I became convinced that is was ok for us to date. Now, based on the intensity of her feelings of post-marriage loss, we both know it was way too soon. We have discussed this, but not prescriptively. I think some of her observations about my friendships, interactions, etc. derive from blossoming rebound-awareness. Sometimes she makes remarks that make it seem that she is making new discoveries about me. I do not regard her observations about me as cruel or unfounded, but I am puzzled because I think my personality is fairly consistent, and I have been hurt a few times recently when she said she is disappointed in me (in ways that don't question my worth or goodness or go to actions or behaviors, but are hurtful nonetheless because the disappointment goes to essential components of my personality). For example, I value simplicity in my life and affairs. She values diversity and hustle-bustle.When we met I was living in a cottage that I built for myself. She told me she had dreamed of living a simple life too. Now she disparages my simplicity and I find myself wondering - did the post-divorce fallout leave her hungering temporarily for simplicity as an escape? I know above all she is an honest woman, so I can't imagine that she was engaging in ingratiating deception. So aside from the fact that she is reeling from post-divorce emotional trauma, we are both very worried that our relationship is not healthy for us because it may have had its origin in rebound. It's not easy to acknowledge and toss out the rebound component and see what's left that will make for compatibility.

Thanks, realitybites, for your perspective. I appreciate your point about focusing on the relationship rather than the marriage. I would like to clarify how the unprocessed grief is causing a problem for me. We recently observed Christmas and New Year's holidays together. My fiance cried many times and told me that she could not enjoy the holidays because she was thinking about all the fun her children were having visiting their paternal relatives in another state and how much she missed spending time with those relatives. She wants the former husband's family to know acknowledge that he behaved badly before and during the divorce. The source of my puzzlement is that I don't know how to focus on our relationship because my fiance is daily lost in perseverating sadness about the past. I feel no sense of an ongoing, maturing "us". She acknowledges this and says she is stuck as to how to move on.

Here's my situation: I've been in a new town for one year. I recently became engaged and moved in with my fiance. We bought a house. Her lack of enthusiasm about our wedding plans confused me. When I asked her she said she has unprocessed grief, loss and depression related to her first marriage. She apologized and told me that she has been "willing" herself to adopt a happier state of mind, but it's not working. Aside from the unprocessed grief, we both agree that we have fundamental personality differences. I'm low key, she's lively. I like quiet, she likes to "stir things up" (her words -I'm not trying to use pejorative descriptions). I have not formed a network of friends. The subject of friends and their importance comes up a lot. She told me she defines herself by her relationships with friends. I told her I don't, but that friends are important to me and I am looking forward to making friends here. I encourage her to go out with her friends, and we go out with other couples frequently. She is disappointed in my social interactions with her friends. I am happy with the interactions. My work is pretty easy. Hers is hard. She doesn't want much engagement when she comes home from work. She says her work is emotionally exhausting. Even a hug can upset her. She says I have an air of expectancy that is off-putting. I think I am just expressing joy at seeing her. She says my lack of friends and easy job leave me too focused on us. We agreed we can't marry in these circumstances. Our wedding, which was set for shortly after my move-in is now postponed indefinitely. She told me she was dreading the conversation about postponement and she was visibly relieved when the discussion turned to move-out plans. I told her I didn't want to act rashly. I felt some relief in knowing the causes of her lack of enthusiasm. She says she will see a counselor about the unprocessed grief. I have a deep investment in this relationship. We have dated for two years. A few days have elapsed since our wedding postponement and I can feel myself detaching from her. Given all the issues I have mentioned I am beginning to think I need to break up with her. I am lacking the desire to address the personality issues together with her because her sadness attaches to our relationship in a way that makes looking forward together impossible. I am trying to imagine possibilities other than a break-up, but the idea of suspending my hopes and plans while waiting to see what happens with her counseling makes me sad for myself and makes me question my self-esteem. Should I wait around to see is she will heal and be able to marry me? Is breaking up with her selfish or self-affirming?