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Lambert

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  1. Lambert's post in No sleepover when her kids are home was marked as the answer   
    In reading through this post and its replies, a few things stand out to me.
    1.  Arguments that lead to silent treatment for DAYS?  That's unacceptable in an adult relationship.  I am all for a cooling off period but the silent treatment is an immature manipulation tactic.
    2. Pulling back in this situation is passive aggressive.  You can't solve things by playing little games where one person has to figure out what the other person is trying to say.
    3. You are ignoring very obvious incompatibilities.  
    As others have stated- if you live together, that is your home, too.  Are you expected to leave when they come to visit?  
    Do you really want a partner that chooses to spend over 25% of their time staying away?  
    I think you are a boyfriend, not a partner.  She's using these excuses to keep you at arm's length but keep the comfort of a partner when she needs one.  Pretty good arrangement, if you can get it.  
    In your shoes, I would pick a time to talk to her about all of this and if she blows up on you and doesn't speak to you, you need to make a decision.  Is this the life you want? You're basically telling her, her needs are more important than yours.  
    It has nothing to do with loving her or her otherwise being a good person.  Your relationship is off kilter.  Her needs come before yours and if you don't like it, what's the response?  Take it or leave it?   
    Take some time to think about what YOU WANT.  You are your number one priority.  You can't hold up her end of the relationship.  
  2. Lambert's post in I've messed up the best relationship I've ever been in. Losing hope of ever being able to have a healthy relationship was marked as the answer   
    Our ability to have healthy relationships is in direct relation & response to how healthy our relationship with ourselves is.
    Unhealthy people can have long term relationships. One person in the relationship may be stronger, able to carry it for a time, but over compensating for someone else's mental health can become toxic.
    The only long term solution is for you to deal with your issues, to heal and learn coping strategies that don't involve abusing another person. 
    It's hard. You have own up to the BS of narrative you've been telling yourself to basically manipulate the situation.  Start seeing things for what they are and your role in them. 
    How do you get out of a hole? First, you stop digging.
    There is no easy fix. It takes tough love, parenting yourself,  so that you handle things differently going forward. Focusing more on your relationship with yourself. Being authentic with yourself has to happen first
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