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Everything posted by Lambert

  1. I would not move in with anyone while having doubts. The point of having doubts is you telling you to slow down. When you move in with someone it should be a super happy exciting time that you feel really good and confident about. You should not proceed with doubts. Continue to date her? Sure. See what happens. Don't just jump to the next level with a romantic partner because of time, pressure or convenience. You move to the next level when it feels right. 19 is very young to be living with someone. How old are you?
  2. Yes. @boltnrun I agree. Very brave. Good for you. You really don't need his crap. Flipping out and turning it on you, is not how healthy happy couples deal with things. Where did you go? Do you have friends or some support until you find a new place? I hope so.
  3. I guess I just wonder how close are you in other areas of your relationship? Why wouldn't he talk to you about this and why have you waited 3 weeks to even say anything? I think there could be a bigger problem. Why aren't you guys talking about this? Do you not share a lot as it is? Was it always this way?
  4. most of the time the right thing to do is the hard thing to do. I'm not sure why... maybe it's just the human condition. I would have a real problem with her saying whatever she wants to me. like calling you a liar and she can't trust you. Then turning it around like we need to work on these things and be better. No. she does. People who love, respect and value you find better ways to communicate than insults and manipulations to soothe their starving ego. It didn't work 5 years ago because she is a liar... but somehow now you are the liar. Dump her and learn to detach from people who hurt you.
  5. To me, it is the same as asking to be punished. Just not the same a being actually punished. When you are actually being grounded it's not just being able to do things. At least for me it wasn't cause my parents were mad or I was mad at them. Be glad you don't do things to that cause you to be in trouble.
  6. you're not an idiot. Anyone can jump in too fast. It's fun and hot and heavy.... but that's where experience comes in. Now you know. Focus on getting your own place. You moved in quick, move out quick. Wish her well and lesson learned.
  7. Mightxxx, I am sorry she did this to you. You had every right to ask her questions and email her like you did looking for answers. She was very cruel to do this to you. And then just block and walk away for you deal with the hurt. There is never a good way to end a relationship and you will never know the real story. But you can take some things from her behavior as fact... whatever it is or was she was not honest with you about it. She acted in a way that is not loving or caring for you as her boyfriend of 5 years. And if you really think about it, after your heart heals, that is all you need to know-- this person is a lying, cheating, selfish POS. She did you a favor. Although in a very cruel and public way (posting on snap chat, her sob story and having sex with you one last time.) I wish I could say I had never been cheated on or lied to or used by past partners. I never saw it coming and it definitely hurt like hell and it takes time. There's nothing you can do to protect yourself from these things happening. We say look for signs and observe actions over words and all that good advice. But the truth is sometimes people will let you down. The only thing you can really do is focus forward. Love yourself through this with compassion for whatever you feel and do. It is a hard and nutty time for you for sure. But this too shall pass. Get the STD tests and put this behind you. The vindictive part of me would want to email all her friends and family, "hey guys just wanted to let everyone know I didn't catch anything from name cheating on me. WHEW!" it is nice to fantasize about revenge. But don't do it. Maybe post some scathing word on the post here your ex thread. Hang in there❤️
  8. I would walk away from this person and friendship. Just one of your examples would be enough for me to tell her to beat it. But I do understand how over the years of friendship things can be forgiven or swept under the rug. That's friendship. but this is way over the top She's the one that should have been the bigger person re: your engagement. She was completely wrong to book the trip. And then to have the nerve to say the things she did. 3 strikes. I ended things with a friend recently.... after letting a few days pass. I eventually I just texted back that I wasn't ready to talk and sorry to say so over text but I need space. And I've been much better off. honestly. it does suck and mess with me a bit but I just couldn't take the neediness and the double standard anymore. As you said, I sacrificed more than she ever did and it still wasn't good enough! Save yourself. ❤
  9. in your shoes I would leave and work on myself... Trust issues need to be addressed not just lived with. Nor used as an excuse to turn a blind eye on bad behavior. The rub there is you can't trust yourself! I don't think there is much you can really say to make a person change. Especially, when the person can only express himself when he is mad. Been there! You can't expect people to handle things differently then they always have. Sounds like the only thing you can really do is change the situation for yourself. it's hard to leave what you know and have accepted for 7 years but sounds like you aren't happy and you haven't been. Maybe getting out on your own, fixing your personal issues is just what you need to do. no one can do it for you. There's a whole world of people places and things. You aren't married to this guy. Leave him. figure out what matters to you and if he's willing to change, great. if not, you have options. They're called YOU.
  10. It's ok! your are allowed to be a mess. It's actuality good to feel how you feel. have some self compassion. As for the Instagram posts, I would probably delete. As for going and meeting her, no. I would wait for her to text me and ask if now is a good time to call. Then I would just be honest and tell her I can't continue on. Her lack of participation etc It's for the best we just go our separate ways now. Wish her well and you can even say, of you want, if in the future if she wants to try again to call you. but friendship, seeing others or any other kind of limbo is no. As for having a hard time trusting a future partner DO NOT GIVE HER THIS POWER TO CHANGE YOU! She is one person. She is young! her brain isn't fully developed. She might be bi and she lives 2 hours away. You went younger bc of the biological clock with women your own age. Ok. Maybe you went too young and you let crazy sex from date one cloud your judgment. Don't take it out on the next girl... take time to heal and like yourself again. It's all gonna be ok. to thy own self be true....❤
  11. Well you observed some behavior that should give you pause. It's only confusing because you don't like what you know it means... he/this has no potential for a future. Any mentioning of exes on first dates and distracted by the opposite sex both big red flags. I'm not saying a person can't say "yeah my ex and I ended it 9 months ago" or look at another person in passing... but if it feels like more than that, it is! and you have to listen to your gut and feelings. Don't dismiss red flags. Especially ones big enough to make you write a post about it. Add in this was an ex of yours? Bye, boy. Bye!
  12. Without trust there isn't much left. That's why so many relationships end over cheating. People who are honest with themselves know, it's just too much to deal with. So here you are... checking his phone. Asking what a number means. It can mean anything. he has it just in case. he has it because he still sees her but is smart enough to delete the evidence. he forgot it was there... we don't know. only he does. how are you supposed to break from this and go on? I hope you find the strength to leave. This is no way to live.
  13. Honestly, you need to end this relationship. I don't think you are thinking straight... you got with him while going through a divorce. Its very easy to transfer unhealed emotions and hopes and dreams from your past relationship to the new one. 18 mos is probably about right to finding out who and how a person really is.... His past gay lifestyle or whatever you want to call it, is a much smaller problem when you are dealing with a healthy, happy man that wants to build with you. What you have in front of you is a lot of excuses to put the breaks on. You made a face. He needs time to not be hurt anymore. what? Oh and by the way, he's off his meds. This is not a good guy for you. He's making his problems your problems and a good partner doesn't do that. you apologized and that is all you can do. he's not answering your calls and making you crazy. Stop this. Wish him the best and move on. Be single for a while. Get your priorities for a life long relationship straight. You'll find someone better. This guy is not the guy. Don't entertain this nonsense.
  14. Ok.. think about this ... if you can't be yourself and she can't accept love and attention, then you're not compatible. It's ok... you will meet someone better. The best thing to do is to care for yourself. Don't let this drag out... dump her. Don't go to her best friend's wedding. Clean break. tell her you're really sorry but you can't go on like this. Then go no contact. You'll meet someone else. she's not that great. In time you'll see it. You're just hurting right now. Which sucks. but respect yourself and your feelings. Don't allow her to use you or jerk you around....
  15. I think when he says these things. You should put your foot down and stop him. Something along the lines of "I'm trying to communicate a problem and you're only response is it is all in my head. How do you think that makes me feel?" The truth here is and I'm sorry to say this to you so bluntly, but your relationship is not what you think it is. You've been accepting garbage to keep the peace and you know what that does? it makes the other person realize you aren't going anywhere. He doesn't want to bring you alongs to family things because of what? the ex wife is there? You're being disrespected and used. I would quietly plan my exit... hopefully you've got your own money and can get yourself out of this situation. Get your own place. Get set up and one day when he's at work move out.
  16. Always beware of people who tell you, "it's all in your head". Huge red flag. From what you wrote it seems to me he is not as committed to you as you are to him. Were you with him when you would have been at the gender reveal? Maybe he went without you. Maybe he is distancing himself to gain the confidence to end things. This is a grown man, with young adult children. After 3 years things should be leaning towards marriage. Of course if you don't want that, that's between the two of you. But you definitely deserve to feel included as a life partner. If I were you, I would first get clear on what you want this relationship to be. And what your needs are. Then determine what needs are being met and which are not. Decide what are acceptable and what deal breaker. once you know what you want and where you stand, you tell him. Listen to him all questions about how he feels about your needs and deal breakers.... give him a chance. Then decide- is this going to work? or is it better to end it and find someone that is better suited for you. You're adults. Handle it like an adult. Recognize it will suck to break up but staying in an unfulfilled relationship is worse.
  17. She is over reacting about a missed call. There are times when things come up and it was just a friendly call. Right? her dog didn't die or anything. Right? I would not tolerate this behavior from her. She can't trust you and blah blah. then on top if it she used something you confided in her against you to intentionally hurt you. deal breaker... I would dump this friend. Her feelings are so important and her rights must be respected. What about yours? She really needs to get a life 😩
  18. @poorlittlefish this is so good! Me too! I finally figured out, I don't have to associate with people that are not good to or for me. I don't have to tolerate it. I'm allowed to say, you have too many issues for me. So OP, in addition to getting professional help, look at why are you getting into relationships where you are saving everyone or doing more or even with someone with a mental health problem. I realize it is taboo or frowned upon to reject a person because of their problems, but I think this is wrong. I would not date a homeless person just to prove I'm not a snob. Sorry not sorry. To start I don't know that person enough to take on their issues. And that doesn't make me a heartless person.... If a person has a serious physical health or mental health or financial health problem, you have to think about can you handle this? What does it mean for the relationship? Are they capable of being a good partner? And you have to be honest about these things BEFORE you commit. talking through expectations and boundaries. And what you will do if a boundary is crossed. then you have to stick to it. So a lot of this is understanding yourself. What works and doesn't work for you.
  19. I agree with @Andrina be honest and clean break. Anything less will just muddy it all up on the long run... I really rather just hear its not there then any other excuse. I think most people if they are honest with themselves would agree. kinda like, don't waste my time. I can handle it.
  20. For what it's worth. maybe you have anxiety about moving in because you know it's too soon. you're not very confident in the strength of the relationship. Can you keep your place for a while and see how it goes? I think it's reasonable to acknowledge given the circumstances of covid, moving in makes sense, but because you're kind of rushing a very serious step. it also makes sense to have your own place. Then give a time frame. like in 6 months, you'll give up your place.
  21. He can't be honest with you and tell you what is going on because he doesn't want to. If you stop contacting him, he will contact you, eventually. He doesn't want to lose his ego boost. Stop kissing his butt and see how fast things fizzle out.
  22. Look at the parts I bolded. This is your actual problem. Not this guy. You don't love yourself. And as long as you keep chasing guys to prove to yourself your loveable, you will continue this pattern. You have to do something that is very hard and uncomfortable, you have to choose you. You have to decide you will be alone until someone that appreciates you comes along. You take all that understanding and compassion you keep texting to this dude and give to yourself. Write this done and read it a lot, "I'm going to love me through this. I deserve love. Whatever it takes I will support myself" Be OK with being alone... lean on your friends, family, and the people that reach out to you and invest in you! He's not investing in you. And it's not your fault. but what is your fault is allowing it. Stop texting him. and ignore him. you don't have to explain anything to him. The trick is, you have to sacrifice this pseudo connection to attract a real one. Stop telling yourself you're so connected to him. you're clearly not if he is only responding (not initiating). you are feeding yourself lies. I'm sorry it hurts but you're lying to yourself... you are loveable. you can do better than this. better is out there. Listen, the world is full of lousy, damaged people... but there are good ones, too. You gotta get yourself ready for a good one! and that means rejecting everyone else. Work on you. that is the answer.
  23. honestly OP... an end date that he has no idea is coming is a little game you're playing with yourself. like you need to feel you did something but the something you're doing is secret from him. If you have any chance of working this out you have to tell him. And not in a I need you to admit you're abusive. Think about that.... what abusive person is going to do that? All of a sudden they're just going to flip into other person? The relationship and person you want are not here. You have to see things for what they are... A book won't change anything. Not for a person that won't read it. There are so many instances of BOTH of you not really being respectful of the other. The damage is deep. I do think you both would be better off breaking up. And you're little joke about that being what you expect or whatever is not going to manipulate me into telling you what you want to hear. If you really want to work things out... you have to get honest with him. Instead of long examples of how he abuses you, you have to find out how he feels. What you're oing that's triggering in him. Which why would you do that to someone you believe abuses you? When someone is abusive you get the hell away from them. You don't say how can I fix them. You spent 7 years in a bad relationship... looks like you haven't learned anything from that. Sorry but your pro list is not that great. "I love him and see what it could be" is for fixer upper cars and the such. Not people. You need to be with someone that you can say, I love him because he respects me, he understands me and shows it to me all the time. That's love in the simplest terms, to me. When I think of the people in my life that truly love me and I them. This is what it is... Of course romantic love has romance included... that's not with everyone. lol. My point is you can't really have love without respect and understanding. At least to the point where the other person knows the difference between I'm venting and I'm blaming you. but if it was misconstrued it could easily be talked out. Conflict resolution is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. I think until you can talk to him and work together, nothing will change. One person can't do it alone. that is what makes you incompatible IMO.
  24. I think your feelings are pretty typical of a break up. And then you add in the mental health issues.... there's no way you would not feel like you need to know or need to check. But.... this is a big part of breaking up. Sure your feelings don't just shut off like a faucet. however, it's best to have a clean break and that line in the sand where you aren't there for her. This is where it starts. You start by talking to yourself with kindness. Like a good friend. Reassure yourself that she is or was at a hospital. The best place for her. She has her family and doctors. She will continue on her path. You are on yours. It is hard to know what to think, especially when dealing with someone with mental health issues. You don't know if she is saying things to get a reaction. So you have to be that good friend to yourself and control yourself. As that is the only thing you can control. Try spending some time with friends or family. Take a break from this. Care for yourself. Maybe go get a massage or buy something fun-- new shoes or a redecorate something. Create a little project for yourself. Get a pet if you don't have one. These are little distractions but they help. Because life goes on. Given time you will see. You just have to hold on for now. And keep the drama at bay. Break ups are horrible. Try to be an observer of your own life. Reserve judgment and just be chill with yourself. Until you can't. Then have a little cry. maybe a bowl of ice cream. it'll be ok. ❤️
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