Coily

I agree with Bolt, you can't fix him nor should you try. Right now the biggest things you can do is listen to him, let him feel that he's not alone or stuck in a cycle. This isn't "fixing" this isn't playing social worker, or anything else that is being gaslight to you right now. He has been feeling alone, isolated and terrified. No that's not you acting as a therapist, it's you caring. Don't let him wallow or drag you down with him, but be there. That's what he needs the most, someone who is there, not because they're paid to be there. Sometimes people need to see the open barrel top when they are scraping the bottom of it. Patience, compassion, and letting him know that there's more to life, that's the best things you can do.

Op, ignore some of the malicious advice. In a moment like this you need to navigate the next few days, not have this painted as you being an ATM by some here.

There a two things here I don't like. He is very pushy about sex, and sounds like a groomer. He is not a good guy from the comment of his, and you should put yourself very far away from him. The other is this murkiness about this sexual encounter the two of you had. You seem a little reluctant to either stick with forcible penetration (aka rape), or that you have regret due to your values and him being pushy. Either way is this the kind of dude-bro wastrel you want to spend more time with? Wouldn't you rather find someone who values line up with yours? Who you want to have sex with and feel no shame about it?

This is definitely a hard time for him to deal with. The big thing right now is to keep encouraging and listening to him, until it starts taking a toll on you; then you must stop. He needs someone he can be open with, if he is having suicidal ideation then a professional is needed. If that is the route he needs or wants, you can offer him rides or other forms of inactive support. I wouldn't push him to take the exam, but bring it up in a mix of other things he needs to consider exploring.

I have to agree this was a case of two people who went to two very different dates. Other than overdoing it with the flowers on a first date, I think you did everything you could have to impress her. There was just something that didn't spark for her, kiss or no kiss. In retrospect the kiss probably saved you from investing/wasting more time with her. You don't owe her a response, other than "thanks bye." Also since you have been out of the dating game for a while, the silliness and abruptness is something you'll have to re-learn. Best of luck finding a woman who clicks with you!

I can't respect your choice, I can understand it and have sympathy for your unfortunate position. So, the question is; outside of the physical gartification, and I'm sure there's a level of emotional affection is being filled as well; what long term benefit are you getting from having a mistress? You speak of protecting your child, but what about the impact on your mistress' three kids? I think you need to step back from all of this for a second and think of the risks involved for all. you are juggling seven lives here. I can appreciate the hell that you are navigating with your wife,.

So he hurt the OP , by letting her spend the money she earned?

Is this a flash point because you're struggling now? Has this been a situation in the past or just something in the here and now? I also don't think he's being selfish, you are getting the benefit of housing, maid services, and such at a decent price. It's a lifestyle you both have become accustomed to. Since he had a messy divorce, that taints a lot of people so I don't expect that to be any different for him. If you are having to have your struggles dragged out of you, he probably interpreted that as you having it under control, but stressed. This all boils down to him not understanding, because you haven't told him. He's not a mind reader. You are fully justified in being concerned, but i wouldn't ascribe malice to his being ignorant. Unless there is a lot more unwritten going on, you need to sit down and work on a budget together.

Sounds like you are having a rough go of it. Being in South Africa, probably has a lot of unique problems that we probably won't understand, so gains of salt. I'm guessing you haven't had uncles or grand fathers to look to for guidance? Where you work or live are there older married men who could mentor you, not just in finding a woman, but life in general? Are you religious or open, if so could you look into joining one near you that has a men's group? What do you do to get out socially? Lacking friends, you need to look at expanding your social opportunities, like sporting events, or camping/bush craft groups? Things that will have men and women involved. It's going to be uncomfortable and awkward initially, but that is often the first step towards getting out and chatting up women. On the topic of women, I suggest you start getting comfortable talking with them. you could look into those random chat apps, having a light conversation with a cashier etc. Cultivating how to talk to women you aren't interested in romantically, so when you start meeting women you want to date, it's not as intimidating.

Lo, Well you'll never stop worrying about her. It really sounds like she just adapts her wants and needs to be with the man she's currently seeing. Which you already know that you will never get an answer from her that you can ever fully trust. With as Dramatic as the tumult has been in the past, do you really want to continue being this invested in her dating life outside of family interactions? I'm thinking keep it light and cordial, and then suddenly have something you almost forgot when she turns to talking about her self inflicted dating woes. The big problem I see is that she seems to seek this chaos in relationships, it thrills her somehow. That won't change until she wants it to. Hang in there Lo, patience (supposedly) is a virtue.

And for one-up-manship

Fine fine. Here's another Nena in English.

Yep. Definitely agree that the open interpretation makes some songs more interesting. It lets the listener get lost.

Yes. LOL The Runaways had some catchy stuff. I'm a new wave kind of guy, with some old punk tunes i like. Some of Joan's covers are better than the originals I hate to say. (not really)

he clearly needs to work on an oil rig, very few if any women. Good that things are final, now you can have a life free of that clown show.

Ever listen to Joan from back in the Runaways?

Also remembered this odd one.

Nena... Yep I have some more listening to do on my drive home now.

Now we're getting somewhere. Are these things that previous cheaters did, and you are extra sensitive to these things? Where you could, as you said, perceive intents and actions as more hostile than he actually means? Curious about the value mismatch and what he says that are off putting for you. Are there specific things or general things? You don't have to expound on them here if you aren't comfortable. But I think some of this is really a core personality mismatch. This doesn't make him like your cheating exs, but that you could project on to him these attributes. Personally I think these therapists are just milking you for profit. From what you have told us, they aren't giving you the tools you need to develop a more healthy way of communication with your BF. Now I think you have enough good instincts to sniff out a gas leak from this guy; but you aren't engaging him in conversation to catch the signs. My question to you, is what do you want out of this situation?

I have to ask, is she still a single mother or is the second pregnancy with more than a sperm donor? I just wonder if that is playing into this whole situation. There are some women who wear that "single mother" badge as a right to be rude and obnoxious, and have people blindly defend her. (No, dear forum readers that's not a blanket statement; but I've seen it one time too many.) I will put it this way, I have a few relatives who treat me poorly and other family will defend them. I make no attempt to ever pretend to like one individual, I usually just tell them when they are trying to get snappy with me "I don't have time for your pettiness." and then walk off. Not saying that would work for you, but being dismissive of a jerk is acceptable.

Yikes. While it's not great you looked through his phone, I think you had enough evidence in your gut to think there was something off. A caveat on the phone thing, usually when it comes to snooping; it's the final nail in the coffin; when the conclusion is already hovering infront of you. One of those messages should have been enough to consider this a degree of infidelity. My question is what do you want to do now? Have some big blow up confrontation? That's not going to change him, or help you in the long run.

Nope just normal teacher stuff on his part. This is something that you would like to happen, it's not un heard of.

Does this guy or his friends have a black powder musket? If so it's a simple explanation, the guys went out, bought tampons and made flaming squirrels! Not sure why all the drama.

Yikes, she sounds insufferable. I can't say that I have experienced this level of hateful behavior from a relation, but I have had a few moments where they just want to be arrogant jerks. Usually there is some awful personality trait that they are over compensating for.

You have a lot of moving parts going on with your life right now. I'll start with the podcasting/blogging/journalism; it's a flooded market in a lot of ways. You have to take in what topics do you have expertise in, do you know anyone "inside" that field? Do you want to have it voice only? Or have yourself on screen? Are you ready for the trolls? Are you ready for the years of grinding making content before you get your break or give up? I don't want to discourage you, but I want you to look at this realistically as a 3 year project before it even comes close to break even. Or even something viable as a side job. It's a lot of fun, especially when you get an audience who is engaged and encouraging. It just takes a while to develop your brand so to speak when you're independent. Now to being single... It's hard and it sucks. I think you need to think of it this way what are you looking for long term? Companionship or family? Do you have a realistic view of who you can attract and be attracted to? Do you have an overly idealized partner or standards? What pool of potential dates do you have in mind vs who is available in your area? At 32 with no kids, you should be a high sought after woman. So maybe the guys you are looking at aren't really the types who want a serious relationship? There could be a way you present yourself to others that is unattractive? And no I don't think most men will fear or get turned off by being the primary bread winner or afraid of you getting baby rabies. I think there is a lot of this to do with the circles you move in. What are you doing to get yourself out there and available? Have you joined meet-up groups, looked into singles events in your area? What are you doing to get beyond online dating and with single people in your area? No, you are capable of finding someone. You just need to think of how to be approachable, or willing be to approach. What you have been trying and looking for isn't working you need to be willing to shake that up. You can do all of that while building a career. I really hope in a few months time you find some break in this routine of yours.