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stupid

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  1. Before I reply to your posts, I should clear something up. What I found on the net was posts my boyfriend made BEFORE he met me. He is a very special person, very honest, faithful.... and to him I'm his world. But just, to find out something that like, that has hurt me.
  2. Hello. This is my first post here. And at the moment, I am very very very down. I need help. Let me try and give you some basic background info first.... I'm a 19 year old female from Australia, been diagnosed as Schizo-Affective Disorder/ Schizotypal Personality Disorder/ Avoidant Personality Disorder. The reason I'm listing three there is because I have mixed traits from them all. I just quit seeing my old psychiatrist and will be seeing a new one in a few months. Seeing as they were just in the "diagnosis process", it's not very official what is actually wrong. But anyway, that's not relevant now. I am down because everything, and everyone affects me. My emotions are way out of balance, all my feelings are very overextreme. I live with my boyfriend and he's the only friend I have. Sometimes it's difficult with my mental problems, but I really want to spend the rest of my life with him. Problem... I cannot deal with his past. His past sexual experiences, everything. He always contradicts himself and I suspect something and it somehow always gets confirmed. This is hurting so bad. I can't deal with it at the moment. I just found something on the Internet that he wrote he really "wanted to get laid by some random person", and another post that he said he liked/ was after some girl. You might think this is a stupid, dumb issue a lot of people have. I don't know how to assure you that it's not.... It literally is tearing me apart. It's killing me inside. It's ripping my heart and emotional wellbeing into pieces, and this is affecting my physical health as well. Like I said before, I only have him, I used to have a lot of acquantances but they were just using me. I haven't found a real friend yet, I've never ever had one either. I've given up with society. But I know there are wonderful people out there, somewhere. So whenever there is an issue that affects me so bad (could be small), it's either to do with him, or my family, or external causes like the TV, Internet, etc. I cannot live a normal life, go outside or something affects me, I either feel extreme compassion that makes me want to cry, or I feel extremely happy for someone. Everything affects my mood, it's not me. Anything from people close to me to the other things I mentioned above. I'm meant to be on medication, but I just don't have a regular routine that I keep forgetting to take them at the right time. I feel I need someone to care for me, I can't seem to take care of myself. I even have to think about a bad memory in my head, my boyfriend's past, or something else painful, and my mood is ruined. I would say I feel suicidal without suicidal tendencies / wanting to kill myself. The pain is just so hard to deal with.... So intensely difficult. My mother was manic depressed and took this out on me, knowing how to hurt me and giving me a real bad self esteem. It's not a matter of hearing it anymore, it just belongs to me, I believe it, it IS my image about myself. Please don't try and say I should just shake it off. In the beginning of this year I was commited to hospital for three weeks but released myself, and I often wonder what is best for me. My mental state, is not healthy. I'm dying off inside. Things hurt me too much. I'm scared to be alone, but I also dislike most people, and find it hard to connect on an intellectual level seeing as I am so-called "highly gifted". I'm lonely..yet I want to be alone.... I'm so damned confused. I don't know what the point is to this message. I need support, I wish people cared for me, I don't want to be feeling this pain.
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