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Nebraskagirl14 last won the day on August 19 2019

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  1. Catfeeder - you always have the most amazing insight, seriously. I screenshot the quote on your profile about backing off. It has been a brilliant quote for me that I have returned to every time I need to distance myself from a situation. Not to hijack this thread but I always love reading your advice!
  2. I’m so sorry this happened to you. The same thing just happened to me actually. The only thing you can do is go no contact and keep moving forward.
  3. Here is the thing when you post here. You will have people empathize with you but you will also have people tell you that your marriage can’t possibly mean much to her, etc. This can be a really supportive and really harsh place to post. Just because there was someone else doesn’t mean your wife didn’t care. She might have her own issues that led her to cheat. People cheat for a lot of reasons... a lot of people think the grass is greener. A lot of people are codependent and are triggered by other people and leave to go fix them... who knows. Just take the feedback here with a grain of salt because no one here knows your relationship. They can only hypothesize and sometimes peoples’ hypotheses can be incorrect. I think the gist though is, now that this has happened, where do you go from here? It sounds like you’re good with the divorce and so I would say you are well on your way to healing. You will just have to move through the pain of wondering how she could do it, etc. but I have found that you can ask yourself that question all day, every day, for years and still never know the answer. Try to be forward thinking and think about how much clarity you have now about what you want in a relationship.
  4. Don’t DO IT! This is Mercury Retrograde and whether you believe in astrology or not, it’s a famous time for unearthing exes and all of your BS that you haven’t dealt with. If you do this, I can tell you that you will likely regret it. Exes come back at this time for closure - that’s all. Most relationships will not last and particularly because you aren’t “aren’t sure.” You are playing with fire here I think. If you are truly that confused, take a break from everyone right now to be fair to everyone involved. Look, I have made this mistake an exhausting number of times in my past. Someone still has a connection to an ex that they are denying and they are with someone else. Ex finds out, gets triggered, promises things will be different if you only PICK ME! F*ck, I could write a book on this. Don’t do it. If you are that confused, cut ties with everyone and be single until you are clear.
  5. I have to agree with the above. I guess the question is, how long do you want to long for her? As someone who completely understands your pain (lover left for her ex, yada yada...) I am not even entertaining talking to her right now. I am excellent at no contact and as painful as what happened is, and I know you probably feel like all of your dreams were dashed, if you stay friends, you will just keep yourself stuck and feeling terrible. Go no contact. If, when you no longer have feelings for her, you want to reconnect and you feel that it’s safe, knock yourself out. Take care of yourself first though and heal from this... you sound really kind-hearted. I really do feel your pain. I met someone during the pandemic, we got to know each other via technology, it was beautiful and wonderful and now she is gone. I get it. Take time away from her now so you can move on. Don’t torture yourself over her by staying in contact.
  6. There is catastrophe written all over this. As someone who was just left for an ex who she said a million times was just a friend, I am telling you to get to the bottom of this. Hanging out with someone that likes you is you not having boundaries or protecting your relationship. It’s essentially sending the message to the other person, “I‘m cool with you liking me even though I’m with someone else.” Major boundaries issues happening here or about to and as Hollyj stated, she clearly needs mega attention. I have been burned too many times and burned a few people in my past in this way.
  7. What Wiseman said. I wanted to reply after reading the title of your post and I am scratching my head. Do you want a healthy relationship? If you do, I would focus on not moving backward.
  8. Oh, I think a lot of people can have poor boundaries regardless of their sexual orientation... and I think a lot of people don’t have poor boundaries. Regardless, I don’t think this is cut and dry. I don’t think it’s like you and your husband where you met back up and sparks flew... but again, it doesn’t matter at this point. What she and I had was incredible and we both knew it. It wasn’t a mirage or wishful thinking and so saying that she just left for her ex makes it sound like she didn’t care like I thought she did but she did. I was an active participant in it. For me, I guess none of that matters as I find myself here without the relationship and she finds herself likely back with her ex and so trying to figure it out doesn’t help even though I wish it did.
  9. I understand what you are saying about the last part but she and I were mutually wooing of each other - 100%. Perhaps ghosted is not the right word, but we were equally on the same page in terms of our feelings and I don’t believe I’m in the dark about that. She would never have said what she said to me if she didn’t mean it. And then, even after the ex came back and pulled out all the stops, she still told me that she chooses me and is clear about that. Even the night before our last conversation. Then the next day, it was over. It’s a commonly known thing in the lesbian world that people stay friends with exes and at times, have poor boundaries, Which is why when she and I met, I asked her the question about any loose ends and she said she had none and I told her that I was not in anyway associated with any of my exes in close friendships. She said she had never left a relationship with her for someone else except for when she met her ex-wife. The thing is that she didn’t lie to me from the beginning. She and her ex had been only platonic friends for the last four months when they could’ve been more, but the ex didn’t lose it until this one started dating me. That is possessiveness. It’s not love. It’s someone afraid of losing something they think is theirs. Anyway, it doesn’t matter - the nature of their relationship - The one I was dating felt the need to save this other woman and I didn’t need her to save me. I wanted to show up as her equal.
  10. Bluecastle, Just reading your post makes me feel better, thank you so much, truly. I do feel that what I was able to take from this was that as badly as it felt to essentially be ghosted and for another woman which, in the past, would have thrown me into an abandonment tailspin, questioning every ounce of my self-worth, I was able to truly comprehend that I did everything I could do here to show up and that this is no reflection on me. That realization in itself is a gift that I have taken from this situation. I hope you’re right about people who walk the talk when it comes to exes. I think you’re correct in that. She had never gotten back together with anyone before which was why this whole thing was mind-boggling. But thank you for reminding me that my great match is out there looking for me. Hard to remember when you had the dream of someone specific, but so vitally important. Thank you again so so much!
  11. Thanks so much, Bluecastle :-) Always love hearing from you! Yes, at the very least, I can say that I showed up fully present and open-hearted and in a really healthy place which I felt like I hadn’t done in a relationship in years. She also felt like the best match for me that I have maybe ever met and that is what makes this so hard. But alas, I guess we just keep walking forward as better people and I know my heart will remain open even though it feels very broken at the moment.
  12. Thanks, Bolt. I’m sure she feels tenderly for her but I think the impetus to go back was that she felt that the woman NEEDED her in a big way. She has a strong sense of duty and to hear people out. Not making excuses but I think that is why she felt pulled.
  13. Thanks, ABB :-) Yes, really hard when they have a trail of exes around...
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