Beec

If you have tried everything, but hurting her, I do not know what to tell you.

Hang in there, and I hope it gets better.

That sounds very good.

It also sounds like this attitude of you doing what you want to do is maybe somehow working to make her want to do IT with you. Do what works, do what works for you, and if you can do what works on her.

Good luck.

Orlander,

You had a good date, with a woman you are not too sure about. it was good enough that you want a second one, but not so good that you think there is a real future.

In addition to that, she is out of a recent relationship, and you could be putting yourself in the position to be a rebound guy.

Either way, don't look for too much until you are sure you want it, and keep seeing her, maybe less frequently, until you know one way or another. This sounds to me like a good situation for some infrequent dating, and nothing serious. And when soemthing worth being serious comes along, go with that one.

If she is going to move back home, the one thing you will need to be able to do is trust that the insanity is over. She is going to have to prove that over time. So letting her right back in should not be an option.

When relationships go south, they need to be rebuilt. You don't just jump in at the point where things went bad. You must back up and get thigns right that have already been gotten right. the more things went wrong, the closer you go to the beginning.

If you want to date her a bit, you can try, but she should not move back in until you can really trust her to be the woman you want in your life.

Wow STB.

 

To be honest I am quite surprised that you are still in the house, still putting up with this kind of treatment.

 

I can understand the thought of divorce is scary and difficult, but is it really worse than what you and the children have endured over the last few months? This is not a healthy situation for any of you.

 

I think the mediator is a good idea, it's really time to get this divorce going- so that the children can have both their parents back and not have to watch and feel you ripping each other apart in the same house. Then you too will have a chance to heal and move on with your life too.

I very with Hope on the why are you still there comments? If she is still doing what she was doing, then she's still kind of walking all over you. That needs to end.

It's fine to be agreeing and doing as she wants when you first find things getting out of control, but it needs to end.

Life is good....

That's a good outlook to have.

Seems also like you are probably getting some help in trying not to be bitter.

Good luck.

How are you doing through all of this?

Good question.

Crushed, life has changed for you. I wish you luck in you changing your life into what youwould like it to be. Try to heal as mucha s you can and not to get too cynical.

Well, except for possibly calling you less, if I was asked to tell him what to do in order to get back with you, I would tell him to do what he is doing. I would tell him (AND YOU for that matter) that trying to move on and date others is not mutually exclusive with trying to get back togehter with an ex.

Not at this time, you're probbaly not ready to date, but working toward moving on helps you move on. Doing the things that you would do if you were moving on, helps you get over someone. And it also may attract them to come back. Ironic.

Sorry, but that's about all the help I have with regard to what you wrote. Other than to keep busy to keep your mind occupied.

Hang in there, it will get better. It takes time.

It seems to me like you have met a guy who has an awful lot on his plate, and he just does not have the time and energy to date, anyone we'd hope.

I think keeping contact with him from time to time, not every week, but space it out more, would be a decent idea, but otherwise, I like the plant o let him initiate, and to continue seeing others.

I know everything that you guys are writing is true, but that stupid/naive side of me thinks that w/help he can change - he wants to go to counseling. And this will sound ridiculous, but the fact that I'm SUPER attracted to him does not help AT ALL. My worst fear in life is to regret something...and I feel if I don't give him this chance knowing that he is willing to try - I'll always be like "Well, what if he did change?"

I think that if you still want to try, one of the best ideas I read that was suggested was to move out and only date him, to see how things go. Dating is an investigation, and if you want to investigate to see if he can change, then make sure you are not in a position that would allow you to become stuck or abused. His behavior bordered on that at least. Don't put you at risk.

First, yes, people can change. But any change in this regrd will probably require time and effort. A simple 12 week anger management course won't cure him. It could give him what he needs to cure himself, but he will need to put in effort over a couple years probably.

Whether you continue with him or let him try or not, that's your call. Your clothes folded or not should not be that much of threat to his life. This seems like a guy with control issues. Your clothes being in a heap should not bother him, unless it effects him in some way I don't get. If anything is out of place at all, then he feels out of control. Don't be controlled whatever you decide to do.

I have never been bothered by a woman's period during sex. Sex with a little mess or no sex is a simple choice. If I feel like having sex, then the mess is not an issue, ohter than to contain it. A towel beneath contains it, in my experience.

I would also say that many women are self-conscious or uncomfortable about having sex at that time. And some expect men to want to stay away. It have also been my experience that a woman is often very happy when the man is not one who wants to stay away from sex during those times.

Yes, seen it a few times, hgeard about it more often, and it will never get better, so long as you keep trying what you have been trying.

The person who keeps you on eggshells all the time, gets you addicted very much like they are a drug. At first things are good, but then the problems start. There are times when things are great and you feel an emotional high. But then, the find ways to drag you down, to mkae you feel sad, depressed, etc., and you walk on eggshells. Then, sometimes, they are seeming without rhyme or reason, nice, sweet, and you feel an emotional high again. And the lower they drive you down, the higher the highs feels. And those highs can be very addicting.

The first thing to do is recognize it. The second thing to do is think about how you are goign to break your addiction. Dump and run, or try to change things?

Yeah, I'm just really confused because she showed a lot of interest in me and seemed to like me. Then all of a sudden she just stops returning my calls. Why is dating so hard? lol

It may jsut be that she lost interest, and why may be that you waited too long to bust a move.

You should spend some time reading about and trying to figure out dating.

Well, you seem a bit depressed from the break up if your lvoe of skateboarding has gone missing. But, you should give her some space, and time, and see what happens. So, take a break form contact, or you will be forcing you on her, and that will not be good.

And keep yourself busy and mind of of her and the break up, and go skateboard soon.

No telling people about how you feel, early on. If you are head over heels for the guy, then you keep a lid on how you feel, as much as you can, until you can see from what he does that he has some real feelings toward you. In the interim, you tell him you are interested, do not want to rush things, will see how things go, and would like to see him again, more, and that time will tell. Vague answers are good.

Mixed signals are good.

Pay attention to body language.

No sex ever before the end of a third date, and that is early. But it is the earliest time anyone should consider. Sex before the couple has invested in the relationship leads to it burning out.

If you need sex, find an FBF situation, but that's got its own rules.

You can let him plan a couple dates, but by the fourth date, take some initiative, plan and finance the date, and if you are broke and need ideas, ask.

Listen, more than anything else, you listening is attractive. Make eye contact while listening. Do not interrupt, let them finish talking.

Try to let them talk, try not to talk more han half of the time, try not to about yourself too much.

Well, it seems very much to me that he doe shave something going on inside. He seems like he probably has gotten dependent while you are relatively more independent and that is getting him to feel needy. it might help for him to get some other activities to do, to build something independent of you in life, so he can some home from it to you.

If you cannot do that, I think he need some counseling.

Different people have very differnet attitudes toward porn.

OK, first of all, this is tough and it probbaly has little to do with you not being in shape. It probably has much to do with how you treat her, and how the two of you interact.

The first thing I would begin to do is agree with her. No fighting allowed. You need not succumb to all her wishes, but you do need to not fight. If you agree to do something, and blow it off, agree that you should not of when she complains. And act like anything she says and does bothers you not one iota. Then I would begin to build a life, for you and you alone, which consumes part of your time. Treat her as a friend, and nothign more, and certainly not the center of your life.

And then, I would begin to engage in some research. If you want your wife back, you really need to make her want to come back. The steps above are all about you not screwing it up until you figure out things to do to make her want to come back. Until you can begin to enact a plan. You need to figure out how to treat her so she wants you. Because she wants to want her man, not just share space with him. And I would not make any drastic changes without lots of thought.

I'm sure you wouldn't. But her husband did so this is a moot point really, isn't it? This IS where she is now. She tried to do what was expected of her and appear what some people consider "normal" so she wouldn't be judged like the above comments.

 

HOWEVER, her initial feelings are still there and she's conflicted.

 

I'm just saying this because I think we should try to offer suggestions that offer solutions rather than judgement.

Yes, wow! My comments are more directed at her entering into a marriage that really showed her as not living and loving with courage. With regard to the one other requirement to really love in a relationship, you msut do what is in the other person's best interests, and often that means that to love you must be self-sacrificing. So, my criticisms are directed at a lack of courage in her past choices, which have lead to more significant consequences than might have otherwise occurred, and a need to look out for her families best interests. I do not criticize because of her desire for a lesbian relationship. She made choices, and those choices should have been made with an idea that she was totally committed to them. Now, she seems to not want to be committed, and seems to have hardly ever been.

Her husband was idiotic, in my opinion, for letting her carry on her extracurricular relationships, and condoning then as consistent with their relationship, which it is not.

Any choices she makes from here on out must, simply must be amde with courage and with the best interests of others taken into serious consideration. From her description, these things have not been there as she made her choices. Poorly made choices should be criticised, mine as well as anyone's. And when I do it, I criticise. Her poorly made choices have created a situation that once might have invovled simply ostracism from her family and then of a relationship. Now, it involves the mental and possibly physical health of two children, lives of those two children as they grow, decisions that will affect how they are raised and treated by many people. These consequences are a result of poor choices made without courage and committment. It should not be missing from the next set of choices that are to be made.

No, I haven't called yet. I'm either going to call tonight or tomorrow night. I guess I'm still hoping that she calls back, even thought it doesn't seem very likely at this point.

 

When I do call (and hopefully talk to her) should I mention my earlier message or just go ahead and ask her out?

Don't mention the prior message yet.

When you ask, be vague about if it is a date.

Bust a move on her, during the date.

After she is responding to you, then take issue with her not responding to you, when she doesn't again.

Minus the bigger slice of the pie comment, true enough Clementine but I'm not sure where you're going with that.

 

I think if there is something one longs for most of their life without reaching for it could lead to a life of misery and regret.

Absolutely, but couldn't there also be a life of misery and regret for ruining her family, betraying her husband, making the life of her children much more difficult and ostracizing herself from her family.

And Lovisha, personally, I think your husband was an idiot to marry you, and I also think your thoughts show a lack of you understanding of what some, like me, think what a marriage committment should mean. I would not have married a woman and let her sneak around to have lesbian affairs. But, someone in your shows should have probably never married a man and had children. By both of you making the decisions that you made, you have created a situation that will cause even more pain when and if you break up.

Think very carefully before you act. If you must have your lesbian loves, perhaps you can find another woman similarly situated and have it only with her over the long term. Still a substitute, but it might be better.

Otherwise, welcome, please stick around. You are going to need someone to listen no matter what you decide to do.

But do just want to clarify few things. She did split up with him, after snogging someone else, and after saying she didn't fancy him anymore. It is not only me she has slept with since, and she initiated the sex. She sends me quite a lot of nice messages herself.

I think you wrote the above to clarifiy things for readers on the forum, but I want to make sure. Don't talk to her to clarify things. That will hurt your cause.

It might make sense, but it doesn't seem to work in most cases. That's not to say never, but it gets things out of order in the building of a relaitonship. In some ways, you get very intertwined in your life and very intimate, and then you have not met. If you had met and developed the relationship in a more traditional manner, then you would build it up in a different order. Your trust of each other would follow a pattern most of us follow. Your intimacy with each other, the sharing of your lives, etc., etc. The more involved you become on line, the more you mix up the order of building the relationship. It's like putting up a house, but not framing, wiring, plumbing, installig mechanicals, roofing, siding, putting up walls, for a house in a normal order and manner, but framing it all out, and adding the HVAC stuff, but no plumbing or wiring, siding some portions and leaving the others as bare bones.

Some people can do this, but for many the order matters.

And as far as trying to take out all the risks, you cannot. So meet the person and take a chance.

Just let him know yu are willing to try staying in touch and talking. Don't tell him anything else. He should not kow what's in your head.