dazed32

I hate who I am today, I hate wanting to cry all the time and wondering where you are and who you are with.. I hate how you left me, after six years on the floor as I attempted to pick up the pieces of a world I now consider a lie. HOW DARE you drop my stuff off at my front door without the decency to look at me in the face. You took our dog, a part of my family and my damn heart when you left. I don't understand, You said we didn't have what it takes to make it, that our life would be average? AVERAGE? What movie did you watch to figure out what "average' is. I hurt so bad, my life was planned with you.. YOU. I loved your family, your niece, you, and you just decide you can leave and say you've been thinking about it for a couple months? WHERE WAS THE RESPECT FOR ME? FOR US? I'm looking back over the last 2 months, and you never talked to me ONCE. Your reasons are the reasons of an immature 20 something year old, in love, cats and dogs don't matter. WE MATTERED. Our connection was there, just lost in life somewhere, I KNOW we could have regained it, it was SIX YEARS! Now I am the one who is here, feeling like I can't breathe and my heart is about to come out of my chest. It's one thing to be over, it's another to completely stomp on my heart and soul. I wish someone would tell me how to stop loving you.. that is what I need, I loved you for 6 years, how do i stop that? How do i act like you were never around? How do i go to sleep at night and not think about you, and not have you be my first thought every day... You told me to always have faith and hope in us, that you believed as long as i did we would be awesome. We laughed all the time, we snuggled.. DAMN YOU for taking the last years of my 20's and the first of my 30's.. DAMN you for telling me you were not a lier when all you did was lie.. DAMN YOU for killing me and my love, because I know somewhere I will love again, but I can't even imagine, because I truly thought you were my forever, I saw kids and saw our wedding. You tell me six years was not a regret, that they were great, LIER LIER LIER... all of it was a lie, because you refused to be challenged, you refused to grow up, you refused to be a MAN. But because of your refusal, I feel like an idiot, like the dumb girl who fell for the commitment phobia guy.. My sister was always right, if he wanted to marry me, you would have.. You were always so judgmental of all other relationships, yet, you were the worse of them all. All those others cared enough to fight, you are self centered, too worried about this life you live, too afraid to separate from it, to experience new things. Even though you have your hobbies, and your friends you can drink with, YOUR LIFE IS AVERAGE! you will NEVER know anything NEW, you will always be afraid, and I will forever be your issue, because you never DEALT with us, you ran away, and you can keep running, but what you did, how you reacted to us will FOREVER follow you.