aussiefirefighter

Hi everyone,hope someone can give me some answers as at the moment I'm going round in circles getting nowhere.I apologise but its a long story so here goes: I moved to Australia from England in jan 2002 with my wife to start a new life.In the Dec i joined a volunteer fire brigade.Over the past year made some good friends there and did a lot of training & courses etc devoted a lot of time there and fell into 'the life and camaraderie' of it, it quickly became everything for me.Initally there were 5 of us on recruit/basic training together and 1 of these(names changed) Julie and I became good friends.Her BF was already in the brigade & he quickly became a good mate.Got to the stage where there was a group of us all the same age bracket who were friends who would socialize outside the brigade etc.Julie & me were always the last ones to leave the Stn & were always hanging around after training etc just smoking,drinking coffee,& just talking about nothing in particular.About mid may I realised that my feelings 4 julie had changed,& that i felt strongly about her but realised nothing could ever happen as she was with Lee & i was married to claire & thats the way it would have to stay as Lee was also a good friend of mine.My wife was not really involved in the brigade.I had known 4 a couple of years that i was not particularly happy in my marriage and had tried but think we had just drifted apart.1 reason 4 moving to Aus was that I kinda hoped and thought a new,fresh start make things better.I finally decided that i would be better off ending my marriage as it wasn't fair on claire because i had feelings 4 someone else & i couldn't go on living a lie anymore.I told a couple of people how i felt & how unhappy I was & that i felt i was going to have to end my marriage(2 of these being julie&Lee) but no one seemed surprised as i was never at home & kinda avoided going home.I think what made me realise, was that i would rather hang out at the stn till late at night w julie than going home or spending any time with my wife.A few weeks later (I hadn't actually ended it at this stage) julie is saying to me how unhappy she is with Lee ect,etc and wants to leave.I had no idea & spent a couple of nights talking to her & trying to get her to talk to Lee & sort something out a I didn't want them to separate.she made her mind up & was adamant.Then she mentioned that her friend at work thought 'she would end up leaving Lee, i would leave claire & we'd end up together' (she was always talking to her friend at work & was always talking about me).This really blew me away as i'd not imagined or thought anywhere along these lines despite my feelings for her & anyway didn't know how she thought about me anyway.I didn't say much to that as I was pretty much in a state of shock.The next day at work I thought about that 1 comment all day and decided i was going to tell her exactly how i felt about her, which i did that night.She didn't say much, the next couple of days were a lot of emails going back and forth on what we felt.She couldn't promise how it would pan out, she did need space and we would have to wait and see, which was fine.She told lee she was leaving and he was devastated & didn't understand why, he thought everything was fine and was extemely upset.She moved out after a day or 2, she never really gave him a proper straight/answer, the penny finally dropped and he came to the conclusion that it was because we were going to get together even though nothing had happened and we weren't doing anything.We were still hanging out as mates though.I understand how he came to that conclusion though, as i probably would have.Things seem to go downhill after that,Lee wouldn't talk to me(understandably) and a lot of people got the wrong idea.I was supposed to be going home to England with claire to see family for 3 weeks even though we were not going to be spending any time together as such.As the time approached I more & more didn't want to go.I went and the whole time I was away was miserable coz i wasn't with julie.We were emailing/texting/phoning each other every day and things detireated back home and some people turned against julie,took sides i suppose.I eventually flew home 7 days early and she drove 100kms to the airport in the middle of the night to meet me even though my own car was parked up there.We spent all our time together & every night together, she was by this stage sharing a house with another girl from the brigade (we hadn't actually slept together).My wife flew home and i drove up to pick her up from the airport(we'd agreed to part some weeks before, so things were amicable between us as she wasn't happy either.)I told her on the way home that there was someone else i wanted to be with and that they felt the same way, she guessed straight away who it was as she kne about there split.She wan't too happy but understood,and was just glad that i had told her.I wanted to be fair to claire and everything to be out in the open.After that me and julie were together all the time, my wife moved out and rented a house of her own and that was that. Julie also has a 5 year old daughter from a marriage, and she has her 1 night a week and every weekend, so after that the 3 of us were together every w/end.I have never spent any time around children so was trying to fit in, but was happy at the prospect of her daughter around as i wanted a future with both of them.Julie wanted to see me all the time and i did as well but 1 or twice felt like i just needed a bit of time on my own as i felt things were moving a bit too fast at this stage, maybe she took this the wrong way, but things seemed good, i was just tryng too take it easy.I had always thought that i ended my marriage because i wasn't happy and had done it coz i had realised that i wanted to be with someone else, but in reality i did it because of julie.A couple of weeks ago starting on a monday julie didn't want to see me, made excuses about being sick, i was working shifts, previously it did'nt matter what time i finished she would want to see me.I put this down to her not being well,but after a couple of days tarted to get concerned.Saw her briefly on the wed night and then i got a text message later saying 'there was trouble in paradise etc etc and we need to talk'.On the friday at work i sent her flowers and said i hoped she was feeling better and that i loved her (i was always telling her that i loved her and vice versa)she text me saying thanks for the flowers,they were lovely and that i shouldn't have done that,and that she would see me that night after i got home from work.She came round, stayed the night, on sat morn she was going to pick up a washing machine (as she had decided that she was going to get her own place by this stage).Her bruv was going to help her pick it up despite me being more than happy to do it,came back about 4 hrs later and we spent the rest of the day down the outdoor swimming pool, had a good time and i thought things weregood.stayed in that night watching a DVD, i asked if she was staying over, she said no.I knew something was wrong, i asked did she want to be with me?long pause-don't know.Did she love me?long pause-don't know how she feels about me.She was sitting on the floor facing the TV, i asked if she could at least face me.She did,appeared upset, talked a bit and then she went.She went out the next day,over the next couple of days i was in a mess trying to work out what had gone wrong and why?I wrote a couple of long letters, from the heart, like i've never written before telling her exactly how i felt about her and explaining how much i loved her and jennifer an wanted to be with them and have a future with them.She came to see me that night after i dropped the 2nd letter off at her work, said she just didn't fel the same way about me now.Just don't know how you can go in a week from telling someone you love them all the time to this, and just cutting them dead.Have not really seen her much since.Have tried to give her space,am not texting her or anything, told her i would still like us to be friends, i knowshe may feel very isolated at the moment as not many friends.She has now moved to a house of her own, which coincidentally is just around the corner from mine which makes it even harder.She is currently keping away from the brigade quite a bit.I have now decided to do the same as i don't want to bump into her andher eel like i'm always turning up, give her space,don't want her to end up hating me.Don't really know what i've done or why she has gone like this.Don't want to push it as she is quite defensive and is adament, her attitude is you know why and that is that, end of story.So am just trying not to see and contact her at all at moment.Have never felt this strongly about anyone in my life,just want her back as i love her so much and she is the love of my life.Would give everything up to be with her as nothing else matters.Don't even think about my wife which sounds bad as she is a very good, decent and caring person and w are still friends.All i think about is julie 24/7 and what has happened and why.I know this isa mega long story but have tried to tell it the way ithappened so people can hopefully understand the background and get an idea of what is going on.Julie now feels i can get back with being friends with all the others(ones she fell out within the brigade), but i have told her i'm not going to ignore or desert her as she is still my best friend and iwill always be there for her and jennifer.ABOUT JULIE:26 yrs old,was with someone from 19/20 for 5 yrs,had daughter,not happy relationship.Married for last 6-12mths,then walked out.Got with Lee who had known for yrs thru her brother.He was in a unhappy relationship of 8 yrs,left her for julie,got together pretty quick after leaving her marriage,was with Lee for 12mths,9 of them living together.Left Lee, ended up with me and now has left me and is living on her own. ABOUT ME: 32 yrs old,married 2 yrs, together 8 yrs but not happy for probably 3 yrs at least,married now for probably wrong reasons(i know its a cop out) but thought it would be work and getting maried would sort it out.Still care for my wife, but not in love with her. Don't know if julie is following a pattern, don't want to believe that.(love is blind as they say.)Know she doesn't have many friends at moment or family to talk too, but then again she doesn't really talk about her feelings.Keeps to herself, hard to get anything or a straight answer out of her regarding what she is feeling/thinking.I have no family here at all, so feel pretty isolated, would appreciate any thoughts/ideas on what is going on.Any questions any one wants to ask, go ahead and i will answer them truthfully as i have never lied to anyone about how or why this happened.I know we were only together about 6 weeks which is not long, but we had known each other since Dec/Jan2003 and got very close and become good friends 1st because of our involvement as firefighters.Does seem like she has jumped from one relationship to another, but thought we were different- more like soulmates, a lot has gone on in the last couple of months, just don't know where it has gone wrong or why.would do ANYTHING for her as never felt like this about ANYONE in my life. Regards, Aussie Firefigter.