Nazz

Day 66 That's all, I have nothing to say.

Brought tears to my eyes..

It crushes me every time people say that the reason you haven't tried to contact me back after all this time is because you might be seeing someone new. I really hope it isn't true.

I had an early morning dream of you. It kind of put me in an odd mood, because it had been days since I last dreamt of you so it kind of put me on edge. I had thought that the dreams were finally slowing down, hopefully coming to a stop..but nope, I was wrong. In the dream, you finally replied to my email, saying how hurt you were and that for right now we are broken up, but as for the future..who knows. Ironic thing is, I really did send you an email a month ago, you never responded. I know you won't. Whenever something triggers me to think of you right in the morning, you manage to stay on my mind for the entire day. So I have to do stuff to keep myself busy today. It's a beautiful day outside, still a bit cold, but the sun is shining and it looks like Spring! I'm going to go to the beach with a friend today, for a leisurely stroll along the water. Then we're going to have lunch down there, so it should be a good day. I still wonder what you do on weekends now that you're living with your brother. I know it doesn't matter anymore and there's no reason for me to care, but I still question - do you go out? Mall? Bars? Clubs? Have you met anyone knew? Hah, actually i'd rather not know the answer to the last one. Anyways, hope you have a good day, because i'll be trying my best to.

It's been a couple of days since I posted on here. I was doing really well, but I woke up this morning and knew I was going to have one of those 'blah' days. I don't know what triggered it, but it started right from the moment I woke up. Maybe I subconsciously dreamt of you? Who knows. I was feeling down and out all day at work, it didn't help that time felt like it was just dragging on. I came home, tried taking a nap, couldn't get you out of my head, finally managed to get 45 mins of snooze time, and now i'm awake and feeling a lot better. Sometimes all it takes for me is a nap to refresh my mind. Today makes it 40 days. It's pretty crazy how much time has already passed, it feels as if the break up just happened a week ago. Oh well, I guess that's a good thing. Anyways..I still miss you and I wish you the best. Hope you're happy wherever you are, doing whatever you're doing.

This guy i'm talking to is doing wonders with taking my mind off you. He's such a huge distraction, I love it. I'm going on a 'date' with him next weekend and there's a pretty good chance we're going to hook up. We're both down for it. He's been single for the last three months or so and is finally starting to get over his ex. It's funny, he's the one that broke up with her too. So we're basically going to be each others rebounds. This weekend has been pretty good. Unlike the last couple, i've done a pretty good job with keeping my mind off you. I haven't been dreaming about you lately either. I'm at the point where if for some reason you were to contact me, I wouldn't take you back anymore. Ask me a week ago and I would have..in a heartbeat. Weird how fast things change. Oh well, clearly i'm on my way to moving on. I'm actually pretty content right now. Go me.

I finally did it. I removed you as a contact off my phone. I deleted the pictures of/associated with you on my phone. I unfriended and blocked you on Facebook. It took me a month after our break up to do it, but i'm proud of myself for actually going through with it. I had my mind up and I stuck with it. It feels like a whole weight is lifted off my shoulders. In a way, I feel free. If you ever do need to contact me for whatever reason, you still have ways of getting a hold of me - I haven't changed my phone number or email address. But what are the chances? Slim to none. I guess up to a month after, I still had 'hope' that you might come back. But don't worry, all that 'hope' has diminished. There's absolutely none left. It's been 35 days since the break up. At least I can't say I never tried to get you back. I've tried for the last month, but what's a girl to do if she gets absolutely no response? The way I see it, you've moved on..either by yourself or with someone else. There's nothing I can do but move forward now. Don't get me wrong, I still ache inside because I question everything, but why should I be the only one hurting? What's done is done and now it's time for both of us to move along this path..separately.

Today is exactly a month since I broke up with you. It doesn't feel like it's getting any easier, but I know with time it will. I'm starting to miss you more and more as each day goes by. All the negative things about our relationship seem to be fading, and i'm only left with the positive memories. I miss talking to you everyday. I miss seeing you. I miss your texts - the 'good morning,' 'good night,' 'I miss you,' 'just thinking about you,' ones. I miss you calling me your little 'nerdling.' I miss your smile. I miss running my fingers through your hair. I miss your presence - without you, it actually feels like there's an empty space and it can't be filled with anything else besides your return. I miss how 'awkward' your hands were - how both looked so different from each other that you wouldn't think they belonged to the same person. I miss your laugh. I miss the twinkle in your eyes. I miss your fingers interlacing with mine. I miss your passionate kisses. I miss your beastly hugs. I miss you grabbing my waist from behind. I miss you placing your head in the crook of my neck. I miss how you wouldn't let me go until I kissed you and when I refused to, you'd always 'force' yourself to. See, being in a relationship is not what I miss - it's you, my love.

So I went the party last night. The guy i've been talking to was there. We didn't really talk, just said 'hi,' and he gave a hug..or two. It's weird. I feel like i'm 'cheating' on you by going out and talking to other guys. It doesn't make any sense because we're not together anymore, so i'm free to do whatever I want. But I can't. It doesn't feel 'natural' like it did with you. I feel like i'm forcing myself to talk to him, just to get you off my mind. I hope you're happy, because of you I couldn't even have a good time. I was the quietest one there. You were on my mind the entire night. I know I shouldn't be talking to guys right now, because all they want to do is hook up. I should let myself heal before getting into anything, but they're good distractions (at least for a short while). I know I shouldn't even be thinking about hooking up with anyone, and I know i'd regret it, but * * * * it..that just may be the way I want to deal with things. Thanks for making me into this person who just doesn't give a * * * * anymore.

So I called you last night. It rang about five times and then said 'the customer you're trying to reach is not available right now. Please try again later.' You don't have voicemail anymore, so I couldn't leave a message. Obviously you got a 'missed' call on your phone. It's the next afternoon now and I haven't heard from you. I KNOW I won't be hearing from you. I guess it's too late for me to try and fix things. Maybe I should have tried calling you earlier, like within the first week or so that I broke up with you. But that's the thing, at first I felt relieved and empowered. But then the third week hit and the 'you don't know what you have until it's gone,' phrase hit. I feel like a weight is off my shoulders now though, because at least I got the 'what if?' out of the way. The ball is entirely in your court now, and I know you're not going to even try to dribble, you'll just leave it there. Oh well. I was hoping for an answer, whether it be a 'yes' or 'no.' But this silence clearly says it all. So i've done what I could and i'm going to back off now..for good. It's time for me to start living life and not dweling on whether you're coming back or not. I'm going to a party tonight. This guy that i've been talking to for the last week is going to be there. I have no intentions of hooking up with him or anything, I know he'd just be a rebound considering it's only been a month since our break up. But I guess we'll see what happens. Anyways, I wish you the best in the future and thanks for the last 11 months or so. Goodbye. P.S. I forgot to mention that I had another dream about you. This one was actually more of a nightmare though. All the dreams i've had about you have had to do with us getting back together, but this one..you refused to. You were sinister and rude. I'm taking it as a sign.

Apparently you didn't change your phone number. I tried calling you again today 'blocked,' and it rang, but I hung up before you could answer. Last night when I tried it said 'this number is temporarily out of service,' so I assumed you changed your number. Tonight's the night i'm gonna do it - call you. I broke up with you a month ago and during that time i've sent two texts and one email, but I haven't actually tried calling you. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to do it because I need to apologize and let you know that I want to be with you again. If you decide to not want to get back together with me, i'll understand. I'll feel good knowing that I at least got an answer. I know that if I don't call you and let things remain the way they are now, i'll always wonder 'what if?' I'd be happier getting a direct negative response from you than nothing at all. The silence is killer. My worst fear is that you won't pick up though. I pray that you do. If it goes to your voicemail, i'll leave a message, but i'm almost 100% certain that you wouldn't call back. Please pick up your phone. You need to hear what I have to say, it'll help us both.

I just came back from having coffee with my cousin and her boyfriend. I talked to them a lot about our break up and how I want you back but my efforts are getting nowhere because you're just 'ignoring' me. They told me everything I basically didn't want to hear. They told me all these negative things that I really don't think are true because only I know you, not them. But now they've got me questioning things. They both agreed that if you actually loved me like you said you did, you would have tried to contact me by now, even if I was the one who dumped you. Since breaking up with you, i'm the most upset right now. I feel like crap. I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers until someone wakes me up and tells me this was all a bad dream. It's going to be a long night. I miss you so, so, so, so much. My eyes are welling up now.

I thought I was making progress because it had been two nights since I dreamed of you, but last night you appeared briefly in my dreams. I guess it's going to be on and off, some nights will be good while others not so much. I'm still missing you like crazy.

Two nights gone by and I haven't dreamed of you. I guess that's a good thing, sort of a step in the right direction. I miss you tons. I still wonder if you even think of me or miss me. I mean, how could you not? How can you just erase the last 11.5 months from your memory? It can't be possible. But if you missed me, you would have reached out, right? It's been almost a month and you haven't, so that must mean you're done for good. I'm nothing to you anymore, it's like I never existed. It hurts, but what can I do? I'm the dumper.

You just started using 'Facebook Messenger for Android,' which means you have a new cell. While we were together, you had a Nokia. I wonder if you changed your number. A huge part of me wants to find out by hiding my caller ID and then calling you just to see if I get through, but i'm too scared. Scared that I might hear 'this number is not in service.' That would crush me. What can I do though? Being your ex, I can't expect you to give me your new number. It also makes me wonder if you received the two texts that I sent you two and a half weeks ago. Maybe you didn't have any cell then. Maybe you just recently got your Android. Who knows.